I'm the Hero type

I posted on Monday (go read it first!) about how my father harassed me for 6 months straight. I didn't mention why it suddenly stopped. It stopped only because he slipped up and I caught him right away. He was drunker than usual and forgot to "hold his place" on the whole bumper thing.

I was complaining about how the bumper kept falling "in" on my car and I had to pull it out. I asked him why it cost $100 to fix when the mechanic didn't do the job properly. He said, "Oh, I had the mechanic pull it out and it was good enough. Didn't have to pay $100 to fix it after all - it was free."

WHAT?!? I jumped on him with "You mean to tell me that you've been making me tell you how much it cost to fix both cars when you didn't pay anything on my car?" My father realized that he had made a blunder and tried to convince me that he did pay for my car. Too late.

He slipped up. He had been lying to me for 6 months. I had enough of his drinking and I actually went home the next day. I was too angry to stay for the rest of the weekend. That was the last weekend I ever spent at his house.

I did some introspective thinking. That's when I realized that the role I created for myself was not working at all. A year and half earlier, I attended the Alateens (part of Al-Anon) meetings at my mother's urging and in one of the meetings, a counselor passed around a brochure on roles children of alcoholics tended to be in.

The Ghost
The Responsible Child
The Rebel
The Hero
The Problem Child
The Scapegoat
The Attention-Seeker

The Caretaker
The Bully
The Clown

I'm sure there are more roles I didn't list, but the point was the roles were our defense mechanism for alcoholism in the family. The roles were ultimately detrimental to those who chose it. My sister was more of the Attention-Seeker.

Me? I was the Hero. The description jumped out at me right away..."The child tries to save everyone by fixing their problems." It's true - I tried to save everyone. I thought that by staying at my father's house every weekend, I could somehow control his destructive patterns. I tried to fix everyone's problems. I tried to solve the mess of my parents' divorce.

I'd set aside my problems to go save someone. It was detrimental to me because I wasn't fixing MY problems. I wasn't saving ME. My role was masking my true feelings and was hindering the communication.

It took another 4 years before I finally told my father off about his drinking, how it destroyed our family, and how he made me feel...small. I remember his reaction - he said sarcastically, "I'm sorry I made you feel SMALL."

I was able to overcome the role I created, but sometimes it's hard for me. I'd see someone having a problem that is so SO SO easy to fix and all I have to do is step in. That's when I must remind myself, "You must save yourself first."

Because I was able to overcome my self-imposed role and how much I despised what not communicating did to me (and my loved ones), I have been honest and open in my relationships.

Granted, I have issues with my loved ones getting sarcastic on me, but they're minor.

• I cannot distinguish the difference between being mean-spirited and being sarcastic (thanks, Dad for obliterating that fine line)
• I don't tolerate drunks trying to have a conversation with me - they NEVER make sense and yet it makes perfect sense in their pickled minds
• I am judgmental of those who choose to drink and drive

What makes me think I have succeeded?

• I am not co-dependent
• I don't drink
• I don't smoke
• I don't use drugs
• I am not abusive or manipulative.

However, all of above won't mean a thing if I persist on being the Hero. The slope can be slippery, but don't fret...I have my ice cleats on. ;)

Meet The Blogger: Daddy Can't Hear You

Meet The Blogger

Name: DCHY (short for Daddy Can't Hear You)

Age: 40's

Kids #, age & sex:  I have 2 girls who loves me and drives me NUTS.  ;)  Their ages are in single digits.

Maritial status: Married

1. How many years in your current relationship: 10 years 

of marriage...a breeze

2. Have you ever been divorced?: No

3. What do you do for work: I work for a college, in two different positions...as a tutor and as a gopher for a faculty member in charge of international student exchange program

4. Education: Bachelor's in Communications

5. Blogs you contribute to: Real World Venus vs Mars

main blog: Daddycanthearyou.blogspot.com

6. Religion: Who cares?  My beliefs are mine and your beliefs are yours

7. Political affiliation - (Republican, Democrat, Libertarian): Democrat

8. Basic philosophical leanings (liberal, conservative, confused): I am an open-minded person who has had unusual experiences in life and I wish every single person is open-minded like me.  Sadly, that is not the case as I have experienced over and over.

9. What is your motto in life?: Be kind, you never know what may come back to you

10. Who has had the most influence in your life?: Funny thing is, not a single deaf person has had the most influence on my life.  My mother is.  She fought for my rights and made sacrifices for me.

11. Why did you start Blogging?  (100 words or less): I was encouraged by Shelle from BlokThoughts to write about my deafness.  I admit that I was scared to write about being deaf because I always encounter prejudice in real life when they find out I am deaf.  This has not been the case in the blogosphere.

*What is the most favorite post you have written on any blog you contribute to?:

That would be HSSS: Parenting the neighborhood kids

12. Tell us in 100 words about your current relationship: My wife is fluent in sign language.  In fact, she is better at it...and she is hearing.  She never lets me live it down.  ;)

13. BONUS or OPTIONAL: Tell us something we need to know about you that we haven't covered above. 50 words or less: Hearing people CAN suck (discrimination, anyone?), but I know many who don't.  Thanks for being understanding with me as a deaf person.

He Said She Said: What the working parent expect of the SAHP

Two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to elicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!

TOPIC: My spouse expected me to do the house tidying when I was out of a job and at home (always bugs me when she is the one who trashes the house and expects me to clean her mess up).

She Said: Nitebyrd

This statement brings a plethora of questions to mind regarding the definition of “trashing the house.” Unless the employed spouse has a hobby of doing chainsaw sculptures in the living room, allows their pet goats free rein in the house or entertains rock bands for tequila tastings in the evening, then “trashing” begs further description.

I’m going to assume that the employed spouse does none of the aforementioned things and that “trashing” consists of more minor transgressions such as, leaving dishes in the sink, the morning paper spread out over the table, uncapped toothpaste tubes and overflowing garbage cans. Should the employed person expect clean up of these types of things? Well, YES! Yes, they should.

Let’s face if folks, no matter how hard we try, household and child care chores are not now nor will they ever be a 50-50 deal for most people. One person always gets more of the burden. Usually, this is the woman in a regular hetero relationship. If the woman is employed and the male is not, then expecting him to maintain regular household chores whilst still looking for suitable employment is not asking too much. Most days, you are not spending eight to 1- hours job hunting. Having the house stand up to “white-glove inspection” or having gourmet meals prepared each evening isn’t what I’m saying. But expecting to come home to a tidy/clean house, laundry done, kids not filthy, homework started or done and dinner ready, seems reasonable to me. After all, stay-at-home parents and/or spouses are expected to get all that done and more.

The stress of losing a necessary income and bearing the weight of the family’s financial welfare is difficult, to say the least. Add on coming home to a messy house, children that are dirty and hungry, laundry piling up, dogs needing to be walked and a spouse who’s first question, after a day at home is, “What’s for dinner?” and you are looking a potentially homicidal situation. So, would hanging up the wet towels, wiping toothpaste off the counter, washing dishes, dusting, vacuuming and learning how to work that machine that cleans the clothes be too much to ask for making home life less volatile?

I think not.

Nitebyrd

He Said: DCHY

As most of you know, I am a SAHP. I used to work for a living. The terms, while I was gainfully employed, was different. What I meant by "terms" was who did what with the housework.

My wife and I shared equally at the time. Sometimes, she would complain that I wasn't doing my part. The truth was she contributed more to the mess than I did and she thought I wasn't doing my part.

We had our discussions (yes, plural) about that and I coined the term/phrase for what she did - "I'll do it later" and she realized that she was looking at so many of her "I'll do it later" piles. Then, I didn't have a job anymore...

I have a slight touch of OCD and seeing the mess everywhere drives me NUTS. She even created catch-all drawers (there are 6 now) to deal with them later. I tried my best to avoid all the "I'll do it later" piles and just clean the rest up.

I'm telling you...the piles breed faster than the rabbits! As I sit typing this, there's a collective mess of my girls' toys and whatnots all over the living room to my left...and a bit more of the same in the TV room to my right...and toys strewn all over the dining room behind me.

There's clothes all over the couch in the TV room and in the hampers, all for my wife and my girls. My youngest is only 3 years old and cannot possibly put her clothes away. I would do it, but her closet is stuffed full of "I'll do it later". Argh.

Tell me this - should I still clean up all the "I'll do it later" mess or accept my thankless role of being a SAHP and clean?

DCHY

Okay everyone! What do you have to say?

He Said She Said: Parenting the neighborhood kids

Two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to elicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!


TOPIC: Parenting the neighborhood Kids.


He Said:

Two years ago when I was dismissed from my job, I noticed a phenomena when I became a SAHP. As you can guess from the title of the topic, I was suddenly everyone's parent while their parents worked or basically neglected them.

No, I wasn't the cool person...I was just emotionally available to anyone and everyone. I was okay with that and I was consistent with everyone on what is and is not acceptable in terms of behavior. Wipe your feet before you come in. Say "please" and "thank you". Ask your parents first before asking me if you can sleep over.

At first, some of the kids didn't like the expectations I placed on them...but they eventually understood that if they showed respect or behaved properly, I would be more receptive to them. However, there was this one thing that drove me nuts every day.

They kept coming over at lunchtime, which meant they expected me to feed them. I tried to get their parents to feed them. Uh-uh. I tried sending my girls over to be fed by them. Uh-uh. I tried getting the kids to brown-bag their lunch. Uh-uh. That's when I had enough and I told everyone since none of them were willing to feed my girls, I would not feed them anymore.

Oh, there was a bit of a fallout all over the neighborhood, but I refused to cave in. I stood my ground and every time a kid came over "hungry", I would gently remind the kid that there is food at her/his home and point the way. One house stopped talking to me (I didn't care since their sons were nothing but trouble and wouldn't stop cussing) and another stopped sending the kids over.

The kids still stop by, but they don't expect to be fed - they play with my girls. My sanity was restored. As for my relationship with the girls, things got much better. I no longer felt anxious about the possibility of them bringing their friends over.

Do you think my decision did some damage to their relationship with their friends?

DCHY

She Said:

Neighbors are why I live forty miles from the nearest city in a gated community with a ten foot fence around my property. I'm not exactly known for my ability to play well with others. One of my biggest anxieties about having children was that I'd have to deal with other parents. Seriously. I may seem like a bundle of sweetness and beauty, and I certainly am, but I like people to keep their distance. I don't let people in. Sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, I have difficulty with even superficial relationships.

So I get this.

I found that I even have it in me not only to dislike other people, but to dislike their children. Who dislikes a child? I do, apparently. I've had these kinds of kids at my house. They're rude, they're messy, they're always hungry, they're disrespectful, and they are teaching my children things I don't want them to learn. They don't respond well to rules. And I just wanted them to go away.

I laid down the law. The kids who didn't follow my rules were no longer allowed to play in my home. I was gentle, but firm. I tolerated them, though they made me grind my teeth and their parents made me stabby. I fed them, I entertained them, and showed them the love and attention a lot of them were looking for and not finding at home. I might have even learned to like them a little better.

And because I didn't follow my instincts, which were to erect an electric fence around my house and laugh as people were delivered a nonlethal jolt when they tried to get in, I learned that I can be someone for these kids that their parents can't or won't be. I can feed them and entertain them and let them raid my fridge and admonish them for getting dirt on my floor even if their parents aren't willing to do the same for me.

I have the choice to let it piss me off, which it certainly did at first, but instead I decided that the kids are not responsible for their parents idiocy. They can't help it that their parents dumped them off on me, expected me to take care of them out of the goodness of my heart. They're just kids and they clearly need a positive adult role model in their lives since their parents can't be bothered to be decent human beings.

So I suck it up, I take them in knowing my kindness is not going to be reciprocated, and I hope that what I teach the little heathens about behaving themselves will stick at least as long as they're playing with my children, maybe even a little longer if I'm lucky. And of course, when their parents are extra horrible, I fall back on one of my favorite pastimes. Writing letters and issuing penalties as the fictitious president of the homeowner's association.

Gucci Mama

My spouse and the animals

Sometimes I think we are at an impasse when it comes to having pets...and then we don't.

Let me back up a bit. My wife is a dog lover and I am a cat person. Few years ago when my older daughter was born, my wife let me know that our cats had to go. She was afraid of the baby getting taxoplasmosis despite my assurances that this wouldn't happen if we clean the cat litter regularly. She wouldn't hear me out.

We made a deal - in exchange of the cats going, she would not get another dog when her dog dies. Her dog died 6 months ago after living with her for 14 years. We got another dog 2 months ago. So how do I deal with that?

Yes, I felt negatively about my wife not keeping her part of the deal...but the girls WANT a dog. Never mind the fact that she was "encouraging" them to beg me for a dog. I knew I was creating an impasse by not going along with this.

She let me know that she was going to do this anyway and I let her know that I was still against this. The perceived impasse (in my mind, that is) was not an impasse after all - she had every intention of going through with adopting a dog. This did create some stress in our relationship...before, during, and after the adoption...and I resented the dog even though it was not the dog's fault.

However, the dog was not calm or respectful. Kept getting into things, chewed things up, ate things, playfully bite us (sometimes too hard), and all kinds of unwanted behavior patterns. I decided to take the high road and I rented a whole bunch of DVDs of The Dog Whisperer...and they really didn't bother to watch any episode of it.

Sighs. I have to instruct everyone on how to address the unwanted behavior patterns after I watch Cesar Milan every week. The problem is the dog focuses on me more than others when she wants to play...and how does she let me know? She barks at me or lunges for my hand. If only she would stay calm...

I do hope that the dog learns because I am willing to meet not only my wife halfway, but the dog too. We have this family dynamic relationship and I have to balance my resentment with patience and kindness.

My spouse has changed since we got married...is that good or bad?

This is an interesting topic and I wanted it because of how I viewed things growing up...and I get to share that with you.

When I was young and naive, I thought that people change because they got married; as if they went through some sort of metamorphosis, just like caterpillars becoming butterflies. As I got older, I changed that to "they change because they were made to do so".

And now that I got to experience firsthand of marriage? It's a bit of both with a heaping of love and a dash of adjustment. I thought it would be hard to adjust to the idea of being married to someone. I had it almost right..."being married to someone", but I learned it was more like "being married to someone who has own ideas and beliefs".

My wife has changed since we got married, and so have I. We changed with the times, with the arrival of our first child, second child, jobs, and everything in between. To answer the question, I must say "Both good and bad". Adjusting to each other was hard but nothing beats surprises like learning about your wife's fondness for "Superman" movie. ;)

She changed through love and sacrifices and so did I. Mutually benefitted each other. Worked against each other. Who said being married is easy? We both know that we must work on our marriage all the time and if we must change, then we change. For better or for worse.

Honey Do List

The first time I heard of the phrase "Honey do list" was at work and that was just 5 years ago. After it was explained to me by a colleague, I thought about how my wife would get me to do things.

First of all, I am not mechanically inclined. Second of all, just thinking about doing a home DIY project scares me. Third of all, I'm smart enough to find a way out of doing things. She knows that she can't resort to tricks, so she resorts to tricks. Confusing? Hehe.

Her favorite tactic is to piss me off because I usually do not want to talk to her when I am mad and I do not like to sit in my chair and stew. She knows that this can backfire on her and it has few times.

Her second tactic is using the "We" method. Instead of saying "I need (blank)", statements like "We need milk" or "We need some potatoes" or "We need tampons"are used. Does that sound familiar to you guys? LOL

Next in line is asking me politely. I am a nice person and she knows that by asking me politely this way, it appeals to my nature and I want to help/please her. Close behind that is asking me sweetly when I am either in a good mood or in a bad mood.

Why do we curse/dread the Honey Do lists so much? We can blame our ancestors for not weeding out the hunter/gatherer genes. Too hard to suppress that naturally evolved instinct when we get to grunt and feel manly all over at the gatherer's request. ;)

How do you "trick" your spouse into getting that Honey Do List done?

Daddy Can't Hear You!

Shelle's Note: DCHY has just started his blog click HERE. If you have ever wondered what it is like to raise a family and enjoy your spouse all while deaf, Daddy Can't Hear You will be just the blog for you. The posts all ready are just setting us up for some great blog reading...so go check him out and follow, it definitely will be interesting!