HSSS: Open Marriages

Two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to elicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!


Topic:  Open Marriage

She Said (Gucci Mama):
I'm a pretty smart girl. I mean, let's just face it; I'm brilliant. But, and this may surprise some of you, there are some things I just don't understand. One of those things is this concept of "open marriage". It seems there are many couples who just, ah, have sex with other people! Sometimes while everyone is right there in the room. Is it naive that this shocks me? I just have no frame of reference for this kind of thing. I can't imagine.

Maybe it's that I've been devastated in the past by infidelity. Maybe it's because it's my hopelessly romantic (in clear spite of my real world experience) belief that sex between a man and his wife is about more than physical pleasure. It's about connection and intimacy and expressing love that is saved for just one person. I don't understand, if one is in a relationship that is connected and intimate and full of love - as most people open marriages say they are - then why look elsewhere?

I have other questions. Some are just logistical, like, how does one go about finding other couples who want to participate? It seems the potential for rejection and humiliation and maybe even being ostracized is pretty significant. I wonder if anyone ever gets jealous, seeing or knowing about their spouse with another person. And then, what about the kids, if there are any? Do they know about the lifestyle and if so, what does that teach them about the value of commitment and love and the sanctity of marriage?

I just don't get it. Splain it, NV, baby.

He Said (Nolens Volens):
Not trying to be a smart-ass here, but I wanted to get the definition of what the phrase "open marriage" means so I can 'splain better.

As seen on Miriam Webster online, the definition is "a marriage in which the partners agree to let each other have sexual partners outside the marriage" and MW lists the first appearance of that phrase in print as early as 1971.  That's clearly different than being a swinger - definition of "swinger" on MW is "one who engages freely in sex".  That word has been around since 1543.

How is that different?  The concept of open marriage is that the partners have to get approval first before having sex with someone.  Swingers tend to go together and they tend to do whatever they feel comfortable doing. I'm also saying that it's not always the case with every swinger or with open marriages.

I must confess that I am not a typical swinger or participant of an open marriage.  I would say that ours is more of a part-time open marriage.  We do not play with others without expressed permission by either one of us.  We may have people who would love to play with either me, my wife, or both of us, but we do not cross the line.

For my wife and me, this is a marriage enhancer. We've been together almost 12 years, 10 married, and we're much more physically in-tune with each other now and emotionally bonded than we were before. Would we have become so bonded without opening our marriage? Perhaps. We'll never know.

There are no feelings of jealousy or rejection because this is a mutual arrangement. We enjoy sex SO much (and my wife is bisexual) that we want to share it with others. We don't have sex with just anybody, either. She and I have developed a very long list of rules over the years for our partners and we follow them, to a T, no matter what.

As for my wife, she has told me that our intimacy is just as sacred now as it's ever been. The idea of saving yourself for just one person is still an idea we hold dear, we just chose to express it differently. My wife's not as passionate with others as she is with me, her emotions aren't the same, she's not as free with her body and her desires as she is when there are just us 2. It's the same for me. I can't ever look at or have sex with anyone else the same way as I do with my wife.

How's that as an explanation?   ;)

Okay... comment away!

My spouse has changed since we got married...is that good or bad?

This is an interesting topic and I wanted it because of how I viewed things growing up...and I get to share that with you.

When I was young and naive, I thought that people change because they got married; as if they went through some sort of metamorphosis, just like caterpillars becoming butterflies. As I got older, I changed that to "they change because they were made to do so".

And now that I got to experience firsthand of marriage? It's a bit of both with a heaping of love and a dash of adjustment. I thought it would be hard to adjust to the idea of being married to someone. I had it almost right..."being married to someone", but I learned it was more like "being married to someone who has own ideas and beliefs".

My wife has changed since we got married, and so have I. We changed with the times, with the arrival of our first child, second child, jobs, and everything in between. To answer the question, I must say "Both good and bad". Adjusting to each other was hard but nothing beats surprises like learning about your wife's fondness for "Superman" movie. ;)

She changed through love and sacrifices and so did I. Mutually benefitted each other. Worked against each other. Who said being married is easy? We both know that we must work on our marriage all the time and if we must change, then we change. For better or for worse.

Here's the order of my list that it's in . . .

It IS Monday, right?!

;-)

According to Our Fearless Leader, our topic today is:

Ten things my spouse does that I LOVE and 10 things about my spouse I HATE.

Let's see . . . Love/Hate. Very strong words. Love, I can handle. Hate? We'll see . . .

And this question is really looking for two very different kinds of responses. One is about doing, a very ethical sort of inquiry. The other is about essence. Actions vs. Being. Hmm . . .

Alrighty, then.

LOVE

1) She is a great kisser. From the first clumsy effort, over piping hot pizza, I was hooked.

2) She asks questions . . . When it matters, she asks for clarification.

3) . . . but not too many questions. The devil is in the details, after all.

4) She makes kickass mashed potatoes.

5) And gravy.

6) She smiles a lot. It ties the room together.

7) She scrubs my back in the shower. Despite all the hair and age spots, I might add. And she uses a scrunchie. Score!

8) She volunteers. Whether it's building sets for the school play or helping the new art teacher get acclimated to Little Johnnie's Post Nasal Drip, she's on it. And never expects a Thank You.

9) She lets me drive. Even if it's merely over the river and through the woods, I get to sit in the Captain's Chair. And she feeds me cookies and chats me up to keep me awake.

10) She plays Guitar Hero. Even the really hard Tool songs. She immerses herself in the things others enjoy, and makes them that much more fun.

HATE

1) Her heart is large. She loves everyone. Even the people I tend to loathe with more than a small amount of passion. I wish she'd hate people more.

2) Her hands are tender. They touch things with a tenderness and compassion I often lack. I wish she'd smack me around more. (No, not like that!)

3) Her eyes are focused. She sees all and never looks away. I wish she'd blink every once in a while so I could get away with more stuff.

4) Her mind is young. Not in a childish way, but in an innocent way. I wish she'd share my frequent cynicism.

5) Her brain is sharp. She gets A's on Big Brain Academy. Me? I keep searching in vain for the pass/fail option.

6) Her feet are quick. She runs ahead, looking for adventure. I wish she'd stop for a minute and let me catch up.

7) Her lips are sealed. She refuses to gossip or belittle anyone. I wish she'd let fly more.

8) Her legs are strong. Harper legs, we call them. Hers carry the weight of it all and never grow weary. I wish she'd stumble occasionally.

9) Her ears are tuned. She hears the good and filters the bad. I wish she'd listen to me when I whine.

10) Her body is a temple. She looks great all the freaking time. I wish she'd get older already.

In sum: My mama didn't raise no fool. I do indeed know how to pick 'em, no?