Do I choose my kids or spouse first?

My response to this topic "who should come first, kids or spouse" is always a, "really?!" Like they can't believe that I feel the way I do.

When we were first married choosing each other as first priority was easy. It was just him and I! But after I had my first child my husband was enamored with him. His son engrossed his time when he was not at work... and I was jealous. I WAS! It was a very petty and selfish thing but it was how I felt. So I sat him down one night and told him how I felt. (Half of that was the baby blues, which happens to be 1 of 3 times I've ever been depressed) We had a great discussion and he said, "Shelle you are always and will always be my number one. I will try harder to show that by my actions, but YOU are the most important thing to me. It's you and me forever... sometimes that sucks huh?" and then he laughed. But I felt so much better knowing that is where I stood and it became kind of our motto.

So let me just say, I always choose my spouse first. He is priority over everything but my Father in Heaven, even dare I say, my kids. *Gasp*

I know. Sounds brutal right? My spouse is an adult, he doesn't need me to pamper him and take care of his needs before my kids and others, and he doesn't, he IS an adult. That is not necessarily what I mean.

I mean that anyone and everyone who knows me knows that my husband is priority. If I am on the phone with someone and he rings in, then I get off to answer his call. My kids know that we share everything. We have no secrets. They know that eventually, something they tell to me will be shared with their father. Not always right when they tell me, but at the proper time and place so that my kids still feel comfortable talking with me.

I make it a point to contact my husband somehow everyday just to see how his day is going, in return I also get IM or called or Google chatted with during my day.

That doesn't mean that my children are neglected or that I don't love my children. I love them, just differently then I love my husband.

You see someday my kids are going to grow up and find their own love, their own someone special, their own significant other. I don't want them to love me the same or more than that person... I will expect that person to be their number one, like my husband is my number one. If I am so wrapped up in my children's lives and always put them first... then that day when my kids leave and I turn around, take a deep breath and focus my attention on my husband, I'm afraid I will find a stranger instead.

Everyday your spouse is going through experiences. Everyday they become different, maybe slightly, maybe majorly, but they change. If he isn't my number one and I don't take the time to make him my number one he will be a different person by the time I make him a priority, and maybe it will be to late then.

Maybe he will have changed so much that we won't have anything in common anymore? I'm not willing to take that risk. He is the one I chose to be with forever. To share everything with. To be my number one. I don't think that has to change or should change because I have kids.

This doesn't mean that I don't give my kids their time. Obviously my kids run me ragged and I am driving them to this or that or I'm teaching them something at home or they just need a moment for me to hold them, joke with them, and show them that I love them. I am there for them and they mean the world to me. I mean, its not like there aren't exceptions, there are times, of course, where I have to attend to my children because of whatever and I smile, kiss my husband, and attend to what I have to attend to.

But if we are doing their homework and my guy walks through the front door, homework gets put on hold so that I can kiss, hug, and love my husband.

My husband shows me the same respect. I know I am his number one, I KNOW that he loves me, I know that the changes I am going through drive him crazy and make him laugh all at the same time.

We fight and we argue, but we are friends as well as lovers and parents. I choose him. He is my number one, then my kids.

If I'm honest, most of the people that can't wrap their minds around this concept are those that are single, because their kids mean and should mean EVERYTHING to them because they only have each other at the moment or time.

And also I can say that I am not perfect at this concept. I may not always show in my actions that he is my priority, maybe one day I forget, maybe something comes up and I neglect him. Life happens, things aren't perfect, but in general I try to live my life so that I am always that person that he wants as his priority and show him that HE IS my priority, nothing is worth losing him over. Period.

Okay, WOW, so let me have it. What do you think? Am I completely off? Let's discuss in comments.

Love,

My Wife Puts the kids First....................!!!!!!

.....and I think it should be that way.

(I do my very best to be ummmm understanding here and not be to tough on others and their point of view, or to be condescending!)

Well I often hear about people with different opinions on this but as I have stated before and as is my rock solid position when we were married we decided that what we do would always be what was in the best interest of our kids. I will honestly say that I truly don't understand folks (men especially) that say/feel like they should be first, above their kids. This is just my opinion but the men I know personally that have this as a public stance are ummmm softer than the rest. Needy. More sissyfied. That being said I can understand their take IF the man does the majority of the parenting. If say the man is in an stay at home dad situation then I can see it.

I can also see a girl, female, woman feeling differently. Especially if they do the bulk of the parenting. I can see their take being "I tend the kids, they are fed, clothed and where they are sposed to be when they are sposed to be there, now someone needs to put me first!" And lets face it women see things differently, and they feel more and other reasons I just can't understand. Not negatives just the way it is.

It is my belief that if you choose to breed and give birth then that life IS the reason you do whatever it is you do. That life is the veto power in all your decisions. If the best thing for the kids is opposed to what you want to do then the best for the kids veto's your other desire. Of course people need time alone and for themselves and together without the kids. THAT is in the kids best interest so that mom or dad doesn't punt them to the moon!

The reason I am for the bride putting my kids first is because I am a grown azzed man. Now it should be said that I never look to her or anyone else to do things for me, I don't ask for help even if I need it. Hard headed I reckon, who'da thunk it?

Kids, all kids, need to be put first in my opinion. They need to know that their best interests are being placed at the top of both parent's list and both parents need to back that up. It is my hope that the bride, when asked "why wasn't daddy at my game like XYZ's daddy?", she replies "because son your daddy is out of town so he can earn money so we can have/do this that or the other."

That goes both ways.

Well all that is to say I never would want the bride to put me first. She doesn't. I would be disappointed if she did.

I think that's the way it should be............ what do you think? Do grown folks that feel like they should be or need to be placed atop the list selfish? Are they lacking confidence? Are they suffering from low self esteem? Let me know what you think.

Group Therapy-Switch cell phones for a day???

So the ever so cool TysDaddy from Cheek of God wrote me an email last week:

"Here’s the question they’re asking on my local morning show this morning . . .

'Would you switch cell phones with your mate for a whole day?' Apparently, a friend of the host is going through marriage counseling, and the doc suggested this, to build trust.

Interesting . . ."

Interesting indeed, I thought this would be a perfect TOPIC for our Group Therapy Discussion this week!

I have pushed some of the other questions/topics back and posted this one!

So, would you guys? Would you switch cell phones with your mate for a WHOLE DAY to show your TRUST?

Let us know in the comments. Feel free to comment anonymous! This should be fun...

P.S. If you have any questions or problems you would like to have discussed in Group Therapy please email them to blokthoughts @ gmail dot com.

Thanks!

Sex with the Wife

I put up this topic and thought instantly of this blog I had been reading. So I gathered up the courage and asked Mr. B if I might use snippets of his blog Sex with the Wife to tell the guys perspective for this issue:

***What do you do when your significant other just doesn't want to be intimate. Are YOU the one that doesn't want to be intimate? why?

Instead he emailed me his answers-this was his reply to my email:

I'm going to give you two answers: "what I do" and "what I should do".

What I do: Stay away. I find that if my wife doesn't want to be intimate (and I do) then I tend to smother her. I am overly touchy. I give her unwanted kisses on the back of her neck. I pat her tush every time I pass her in the hallway. This is not well received and generally felt to be pushy. To avoid this, I just keep my distance. I wait until my wife is done in the bathroom before I go brush my teeth. I watch TV in the other room. I just stay away from her until she comes looking for me to see where I've gone. Sometimes this takes days before she notices I'm avoiding her, but generally it does the job.

What I should do: Keep busy. Much like what I do, but more productive. The house is full of projects that need to be done. Organize my work bench. Winterize the camper. Pick up the office. When I am trying to avoid my wife I should do those things and get really involved in them so that I forget the fact that my wife is sexually 'off' at the moment. It's great when I can do this, so it doesn't feel like I'm sulking about my wife leaving me to my own devices.

I loved these answers. He's so honest and open about the issues going on with his wife. In fact, his profile states, "my wife went into therapy for depression and messed up hormone levels...Now people have started to read the blog and I have found a whole community of guys who aren't having sex with their wives and still aren't cheating on them. I guess I am just another guy frustrated at not having sex but is trying to be a man about it."

Here is a snippet of a weekend he was hopeful for but it didn't turn out so well:

"My wife and I were in bed around 9:00 pm. Unfortunately, my wife stomach was pretty gassy and she couldn't relax. I rubbed her shoulders a little to help her relax, and did some soft touching exercises, but the bloated feeling in her stomach was too much of a distraction and she wasn't able to get aroused. Eventually she asked me to stop.

After that I had a very hard time going to sleep. I tossed and turned much of the night. The bed in her rental house is smaller than our bed back home and not as firm. My back was a little sore from the soft bed and I couldn't sleep for more than two hours at a time. I kept waking up with a distracting erection, needing to go use the toilet before it would go away. All of my tossing and turning kept my wife awake, but she didn't want to hold each other or be close in bed; she just wanted to sleep.

This is one of the sources of conflict for us. If I get to hopeful about sex, I don't sleep well in bed with my wife. I keep thinking about the beautiful woman lying two feet away from me, whom I am not allowed to touch. I can't sleep. Then my tossing and turning keeps my wife awake. Then when we go to bed she can't get aroused, because she is too tired. But I can't sleep because I am too aroused. And so goes the vicious cycle. I am hopeful we will have more success with this during our weekend, but so far Iowa City has not been kind to us."

And from THIS post he writes:

"My wife, in her quest for self-discovery, has decided that she does not like multiple forms of stimulation at the same time.

This is very hard for me to remember in the heat of the moment. I enjoy lots of stimulation (Of course I do; I'm a man.) so I have to keep reminding myself to go slowly and be careful not to overstimulate her body. When I haven't seen my wife in a week, and I haven't been naked with her in a few weeks, it is especially easy for me to get overly distracted.

I have also discussed that my wife has difficulties with sexual intimacy because she is unable to get lost on the moment. She always has the concerns of the day hanging over her distracting her from our love-making. By contrast I have to work hard not to get lost in the moment. If I get lost in the moment and make love instinctually, I am likely to do something wrong, make a mistake, touch my wife in a way that is annoying and not arousing. I am constantly working to stay detached and not get lost in the moment. This is not easy.

Again he is honest and straight forward about the issues in their marriage and how he is dealing with them. I love the fact that with each post you can feel his love for her. He states in many posts how his wife is his best friend. It's a difficult issue to work through, yet they are making the effort. His wife is seeing a therapist and he continues to be sensitive and understanding to that.

Thanks Mr. B for allowing me (Shelle) to introduce you to the Real World Blog. I know I have learned so much as a wife reading your blog. I find that I myself have done the things that your wife does said the things that she has said because I just wasn't in the mood, I felt so bad after reading how it made you feel and how it messes sometimes with your confidence in performing well for her. If I step back and look at my husband and is trepidation sometimes to start something I can see that the many years I slapped his hand away or told him "not now" really effected his confidence. I definitely have a LOT of making up to do, I really wish I would have heard it from "his" perspective sooner.

I think that is what Mr. B's blog will do for women.

So how do you see yourself and your intimacy as a couple? What do YOU do when your Significant Other doesn't want to be intimate? Is it similar to Mr. B's? How does it differ?

Level Playing Field

I find it more than a little ironic that men hit their sexual peak beginning in their late teens and women hit their peak anytime in their 30's and/or 40's. Who thought this was a good idea?

Maybe it is helpful to keep our peaks at different times to keep us from being cooped up in bed for 10 years or so.

Okay- so here is the topic- what do you do if your spouse is not as interested in sex as you are? I had a very interesting discussion with FiM about this as I was pondering what exactly to write. The topic, which usually ends up making me giggle as we open up to each other, brought on a serious discussion. So I am gonna tell y'all how it was for us. Hope you won't mind the personal touch to this post.

When we were first married FiM was a horny devil. Who wouldn't be, he was a virgin and was SO ready to get rid of that title. Plus, he is a man. Of course he was constantly horny. I, on the other hand, had some baggage that I brought into the marriage (but still a virgin) and was very scared of the prospect. So, here we are, on different spheres, trying to make the intimacy thing work for us.

I majored in Human Development, minored in Social Work. Had to take a lot of classes on the human body and on relationships, emotional as well as physical. I know about the needs of men and women. But it is totally different understanding the different needs.

There were MANY times I was so proud of myself. I would take one for the Gipper... "giving in" to his needs. I thought I was a fabulous wife, helping him fulfill his needs, not realizing the many times he let one go for the Gipper, knowing that I was not up for sex.

Now, here we are... 10 years into a great marriage, 4 kids later, and I have hit my peak. WOW! I think I am finally beginning to understand the need FiM felt. And, with that understanding I feel HORRIBLE! The physical need that I am constantly feeling is overwhelming. If he felt like this, I have to say, he is the best man to ever live. He set aside his needs when he knew I wasn't up for it. Never demanding...even when I would offer to "just lay there". We are finally on somewhat level playing field and I am grateful I understand him better. I know that he understands me and my needs.

K- so now that you know WAY too much about me... I want to put it out there... does this sound familiar? Was there ever a point of realization when you or your spouse really understood the needs of the other? How did you and your spouse deal with the differences in desire and drive??? Let's discuss...

Socially Inept?

The question is:
What do you do when your significant other is socially inept? Does that affect what you do as a couple together? Is it a problem or not?

First lets look at the definition of inept

I don't think that accurately describes my husband. I think the word "retarded" is more appropriate. Hi my name is Missy, and my husband is Socially Retarded. Which is a stark contrast to myself. I am a take charge, get in there, get the party started, kinda girl.

In his defense, he has always been that way. When I met him, he had 1 friend. The same friend he has had since Jr. High. Funny thing is, the friend is more like me than hubby. Outgoing and social.

He does not: 1) like big crowds 2) new people 3) bars or clubs 4) change 5) my family. My family has grown on him, but it's taken 8 years.

This used to be a problem for us in the beginning. And it still can be on occasion. But mostly, those of us around him, know how he is, and we just deal with it.

He would much rather have the family cookout at our house than go to my Mom's. I think he feels more secure and in control when he is the host. Plus he loves to cook and it gives him something to do rather than talk to everyone. Somehow it works out.

I think this one comes back to compromise. Sometimes he goes with me and the girls to family events or outings. Sometimes we go without him. If he is feeling particularly grumpy, I'm just fine with him staying behind. If I force him to go he is just going to be miserable and crabby. Why bother?

The good news is, since he met me he has doubled his friends... He has 2 now!

Missy
Life in Left Field

P.S. I am having a Giveaway on my blog.

Male View: Why Be Shy

I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and tackle the topic posed bye Shelle:
What do you do when your significant other is socially inept? Does that affect what you do as a couple together? Is it a problem or not?

So often when we attend a wedding we are asked which side of the aisle to sit on. This may be easy if you only know either the bride or the groom, but if you know each equally as well you're not sure where to sit so that you do not offend the other. How often do we list couples in a certain order. "Oh, Dick and Jane are coming to dinner". In what order to you tend to view couples you know? Is it in the order in which you met, or is it by who is the more predominant of the two? I tend to think that when it comes to meeting a couple for the first time it is the second that holds true.

I have the fortunate/unfortunate ability to be able to speak to anybody. My wife tends to be shy when speaking to strangers. I do try to encourage my wife to speak to others so that she does not feel left out of the conversation— but this may not be the root of the problem. I believe that we both have different approaches when it comes to meeting people. I tend to want to join in, where she would much rather sit back and wait for people to ask us to join them. This may be good in itself, but you need to have a very approachable charisma that lends itself to having people want to spend time with you. If either or both of you have low self esteem, this can effect how you are viewed charismatically as a couple. Also, you need to be viewed as the kind of couple who likes to go out in order for people to either accept your invitation, or invite you to join them.

I must admit that sometimes I enjoy being a homebody— but there are times that I wish that we could socialize as a couple. I cannot say that we do not go out… we do, but we only seem to go out together and not with other people. Whenever my wife says: "We have no friends" I have to hold my tongue because we do have friends, but probably not couple friends. We tend to hesitate always asking our single friends out with us because we do not want them to feel like a fifth wheel. We somehow need to meet new couples out there and have a fresh slate in doing so.

We love to eat out, so I have decided to join a food related group that has activities that we can participate together with. I have met with some resistance because I was the one who thought this was a good idea. You have to realize my wife likes being the social director and planning things— so taking this privilege away makes her feel less empowered. I am hoping that my efforts to meet new couples through this group helps build our confidence as a couple so that people can refer to us as that couple that everybody wants to go out with.

Looking back on the question, I do not believe that either of us are socially inept, but we do struggle with being social. But that is what being in a relationship is all about: "relating"— be it relating with each other, or relating with other people as a couple.

Are you the social one or is your significant other??? How do you guys handle it?

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—CaJoh
To hear what I'm thinking… read my blog:
http://cajoh.blogspot.com