Working Mom, Stay-at-home Dad

Household roles are changing all the time and it's a new world when trying to find the right balance. Here's how things work for us.

I am actually pretty lucky in this department. I work full-time and hubby stays at home with our girls (ages 6 and 9). He gets them off to school, cooks all of our meals, washes and dries laundry, gets the garbage out, and does the outside chores as needed. I work, commute, do most of the cleaning, the dishes, the bills, the school meetings, etc. One trick, since I’m able to work from home one day per week, is using my lunch break to do dishes so that I’m ahead of the game for that evening. Our kids also have chores and when they get them done, it works amazingly well.

Sometimes we even have someone come in and clean once a week. This is mainly because my stress level is directly related to the messiness of the house. Since I work full-time and commute 2 hours per day, I don’t want to have to clean everyday when I get home. I’d rather be playing with my kids or watching their sporting practices/events.

We also split up the homework help into the subjects that we each enjoy the most. I help the girls with reading, writing and math; he helps them with science and history. We’ve been married for 11 years and this seems to work pretty well for us so far…that is, until the kids are smarter than us.

Our plan is not always perfect, but I feel that we’re a lot closer to 50/50 than most couples.

How do you balance the workload and make it work best in your relationship? Any suggestions to help others looking to find a better balance?

Thanks for reading.
I write over at Domestically Disabled

Who's The Man Around Here

Topic: How about household roles of men and women and how it is changing with working at home, and the concept in our modern world of being equals.

When I decided to take on the above topic, I hesitated. I said to myself… "I don't work at home, so this doesn't apply to me". But the rest of the topic was very appealing, so I had to run with it.

I must admit that I adore domesticity. Be it from parenting to cooking— I love it. I do not know how many men share this (even if it is secretly), but I am not ashamed of it at all. I think that we tend to place household roles into stereotypical roles and are embarrassed to "cross the line".

You used to hear statements like "A woman's place is in the home"— but this is no longer the case. Probably starting with Rosy the Riveter women started to work outside the home and became more empowered. With the advent of Women's Liberation in the 70's women started to demand equality. Is this equality changing women into men, and vice versa?

When I was a teenager, my mother insisted that I do my own laundry. I find it interesting to hear about women who do all the laundry for the men in the house. I wonder if those men were told to do their own laundry that they wouldn't mind doing it once and a while.

I love to cook. Perhaps it is the satisfaction of being able to give something to somebody and seeing them enjoy it that makes me love it so much. I have spoken to several women who admit to me that they do not cook. I have even heard them exclaim that they would like to find a man who loves to cook so that they do not have to.

My wife does cook. In fact, I feel that she cooks a lot better than I do. She allows me to cook because it gives her a break from cooking. She used to joke that she did all the cooking for years before she met me and welcomes the break. Perhaps the roles have reversed in this sense. I now find that I come home and my wife asks me what we are having for dinner.

I learned early on that dishes are part of cooking. You can't just cook and leave a dirty sink. So I wind up making dinner and doing the dishes after I am done serving. As I am doing the dishes, my wife is in the living room watching TV. Now I understand the frustration that women have when the man is in the other room and they are stuck in the kitchen. This does not mean that she refuses to do the dishes. In fact there have been many times that she has done the dishes and not after any prompting either.

My wife and I do not mind sharing the household chores. I believe that because I am comfortable doing those chores, that I can take on any of the chores without complaint. This makes our home more equal and allows each of us to be able to take on other tasks because our partner can do any of the chores that need to be done.

Do you and your partner share the responsibilities of the house? Are there some chores that you refuse to do? Do you take on those chores that are stereotypically associated with the opposite sex? Do you teach your children that they can do any chore— even if it is typically done by someone of the opposite sex?

—CaJoh

Zen-troversion

ZenMom

The ZenHusband and I take turns picking up the 5-year-old Minion from kindergarten. The other day, we were comparing notes and an interesting fact came up:

He has had several complete conversations with many of the other kindergarten parents waiting to pick up their kids.

I've never said so much as a word to any one of them.

That pretty much sums up one of the biggest differences between me and my husband:

He is an extrovert - a bonhomie for whom it is easy and natural to strike up a conversation with darn-near anyone.

And I am the introvert - I'm borderline anti-social when it comes to meeting new people. "Socializing" does not come naturally to me; and most social gatherings are just varying degrees of uncomfortable for me.

So much so that strangers and casual acquaintances have described me as unfriendly and even snobby. I don't think that's accurate. I like to think I'm actually quite a nice person, when you get to know me. :)

But I understand why I come off that way - I don't make it at all easy for people to know me.

Let me clarify here: I'm not shy. I'm introverted - two different things. "Shy" describes someone who avoids social interaction because of nervousness. Shy people want to interact, but they are anxious about it. Introverts are not nervous about social interaction - they just don't enjoy it.

In other words: A shy person is lonely. An introvert is just alone.

For me, there are some exceptions: With friends and close family, I can be very friendly and talkative - it can sometimes be hard to shut me up! At work, I'm never slow to speak up - in fact, formal and informal communication with all kinds of people is a key element of my job. A job that I happen to be pretty good at.

And yet, I'm the last person in the world who would strike up a casual conversation with a stranger. In fact, I'm more likely to be the person striding purposefully, headphones in my ears, avoiding eye contact with passersby.

Random chit-chat with strangers? Casual communication without purpose?

Meh. I'll pass.

I just don't have the inclination for "small talk" - it doesn't interest me. It feels forced and uncomfortable. It drains me. I'd really rather not do it.

That's where the (mis?)perception that I'm a snob comes from, I know. But it's true: If I'm not really motivated to get to know you for some reason, I'm not going to waste my time and energy - or yours - with idle conversation.

And then there's the internet ...

Where I bare my thoughts and ideas and opinions on a regular basis; where I engage perfect strangers in blog comments; where I strike up up random conversations on Twitter; where I trade jokes with Facebook friends.

For an anti-social person, I'm curiously entrenched in social media.

If you only "know" me online, I'd be curious to hear what your perception of my "socialness" is. Because I find it a lot more enjoyable to "talk" to people online than I do in person.

And I'm not sure why that is.

Why is it relatively easily for me to communicate with people online and yet I find personal engagement so uncomfortable? How can I have developed such strong bonds though a computer (and, yes, a few of my online friends have become very good IRL friends, too) ... and yet feel so completely removed from people I see every week - like the parents at my son's school?

Yeah, yeah, I know: It's not an unusual phenomenon. I gather there are many people like me - more comfortable conversing through a computer than face-to-face. There's probably even a name (and maybe even a pill, considering the state of things today) for it.

But, hey, this is my blog, I can naval-gaze if I want to. ;)

Whatever it is, I don't see it changing anytime soon. It seems like the older I get the less inclined I am to stretch outside my comfort zone and make the effort - and yes, for me it takes a great deal of effort - to "socialize" with new people.

And, you know, I'm really okay with that. As much as I love my darling, extroverted husband, I'm just not interested in sliding over to meet him on the extroversion-introversion scale - I'm not broken. I don't need fixing. 

Yes, I'm probably missing out on some interesting people in real life because of my (anti-)social quirks. But I'm pretty happy where I am - even if it is mostly in my own head.

So, I'll leave the socializing to The ZenHusband and he can leave the blogging to me. Maybe eventually he can introduce me to the other kindergarten moms.


What about you? Are you more introverted or extroverted? Is it easier for you to talk to people online then in person? Or am I just a weirdo? :)

HE said She Said: To stay or not to stay

Okay everyone, this is our very first He Said She Said post. All I asked of the contributors is that they take one side of the issue and tell us why they believe that! Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to illicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!

TOPIC: Should you stay in an Unhappy Marriage?

He Said:

Well there is not a lot of talk about the divorce rate really and I think their should be. I think that most of the problems in the country today are not due to the over reaching, socialistic, Democrats we currently have spending us into unmanageable debt, taking away our rights and generally being the worst administration since Washington won the war. No it isn't those people, it isn't even the 7 smart people that actually voted for these idiots. The root cause of the problems in this country (hey this is the only country I know anything about, it might be universal but since I deal in facts I'll just tell you the deal here) is the breakdown of the family. This is due to sorry assed men and women who make poor assed decisions. This is also due to the ease of divorce.

I think it is much to easy. Now I have no clue what it takes to get divorced but if it is a coin toss on your wedding day as to weather or not you will be getting divorced then it must be pretty damn easy. I think people should stay married if it is at all possible. YOU made a commitment. What does it say of a society when 50% of its of age population doesn't have a good word? 50% you can't rust to do what they said they would do? See my dad told me way back when I was young "Son you only come into the world with two things your name and your word, you need to be damn sure you leave it with both of them being good." Now he used "word" to mean your reputation of being a good person, your word being your bond, saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

Evidently everyone wasn't raised by my dad because evidently 1/2 of the folks word ain't good. Now I am sure that everyone has a good reason to get divorced. Yeah, I'm positive. The root cause is the one thing I harp on repeatedly, PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. People don't care anymore, they don't have to be responsible for their actions so they aren't. They just do whatever feels good now. They strive for personal gratification with no long term thoughts. They don't give a damn what it does to their kids, who of course are much better off with a loving father and mother (or 2 same sex people), the same two people consistently for their whole life, than they are splitting time with parents. What does that teach your kids? Well kid if it does go just exactly like you want it then F it, just quit. What kind of parenting is that? Quitters. Thats the easy way out. When the going gets tough, the quitters get divorced.

Marriage is tough, damn tough. If you are gong to hop off the first time their is turbulence then it prolly ain't for you. You should get a government job and vote Democrat.

Put you big girl panties on people and suck it up. You decided to marry that person, I'm sure after months and years of studying the pro's and con's of being married till death to that person, having long long talks and recording for the future the promises YOU made to that person and they made to you so you should be sure by the time you walk the aisle. People seldom change, very seldom. Thats who you chose to marry. Everyone has hard times, some win the others quit. There are no losers just quitters.

Sage is out. (NSFW)

She Said:

"Some say that marriage is an institution. The last time I looked up the definition of an institution was, it is hardly something that I would consider what a marriage should be like. As defined by the dictionary – an institution is “an organization, establishment, foundation, society, or the like, devoted to the promotion of a particular cause or program, esp. one of a public, educational, or charitable character” the other definition: “is a public or private place for the care or confinement of inmates, esp. mental patients or other disabled or handicapped persons.”

Scary if that is what a marriage should be like. Not exactly how I would like my marriage to be. I define marriage as ongoing efforts of two people to build and establish a happy, satisfying and sustainable relationship. Some people succeed in building this relationship and some do not. Once two people no longer wish to put in the effort and the relationship is no longer happy then it is time to go.

I am not by any means advocating an easy way out, that should there be a disagreement or a crisis then just bail. What I am referring to is that there seems to be a lot of bickering over nothing; you seem to be withdrawing from each other and when the other individual is communicating their thoughts and feelings, you are rolling your eyes disrespectfully. In addition, I am also talking about, you no longer fight fair, you no longer have fun together, you have nothing nice to say to each other, you do not talk about your individual problems to each other, you no longer trust each other and need to put a gps to track each other’s ass.

The words “I do” does not necessarily mean a life sentence for two people. Granted somewhere along the line, they happen to have children and find themselves in an unhappy marriage, the children should not have to live a miserable existence wherein they witness their parents hurl insults at each other and argue because their parents uttered the words “till death do us part”.

Children also live what they learn. Children fair better experiencing and witnessing their parents separate and eventually try and establish some form of amicable relationship rather than being in a consistently volatile environment. Children who grow up in a household where there are consistent arguments and tension tend to not do very well managing their own lives.

There are usually questions one can ask oneself whether or not one should stay or not stay in an unhappy relationship and some of these are.

1. Are the two of you fussing with one another over trivial matters?

2. Does just about everything about your spouse irritate you?

3. Has your spouse physically or emotionally abused you? Are you afraid of your spouse?

4. Do you believe that your love, patience and hope have just all run out?\

5. Can you communicate about anything or do you always end up in a disagreement? When you fight, do you fight fair? Do either of you bring up past hurts?

6. When was the last time you had fun together? When was the last time you felt sexually attracted to each other? Do you still make love?

7. Do the same problems keep resurfacing again and again? Have you tried counseling? Can you accept that your personal unhappiness is your own responsibility?

8. Does your spouse constantly put you down, attack your self-esteem, and/or criticize you? Do you have any respect for your spouse? Does your spouse respect you?

9. Are you willing to co-parent the rearing of your children with your ex-spouse?

10. Have your goals and values outgrown each other.

11. Can you compromise on important issues?

12. Has your spouse been unfaithful, in your terms?

13. Do the same problems keep resurfacing again and again?

If you answered Yes and had to qualify the answer with a but, then it is time to hit the road jack or jill and get a government job and vote democrats….

WannabeVirginia out... (WannabeViginia is a Guest Contributor who I asked to write her opinion because of a personal experience of hers. Thanks WV!)

** One note, of course nobody should be in an physically abusive situation, I try not to state the obvious in my posts but people will call me out sometimes if I don't. SS

Group Therapy: What parent "babysits" their kids?

Welcome to Group Therapy:

No emails today so I have something that I'd like your guys' wise brains to discuss...

I was on Working Mommy's Blog and came across THIS post and she found this article on Yahoo that is entitled, "10 Things Husband's Should Never Do".

Some of them I agreed with but the one that if I were an irkable person would irk me is #1 which states:

Offer to “babysit” your own kids.

I honestly hate when I hear my friend's husbands say stuff like that. (My husband would rather play with the kids then do almost anything else so I never have this problem nor has he ever said this to me).

For example, one of my good friends wanted to join me and another friend for a movie. I happen to still be at her house chatting when her husband got home, this is how the conversation went:

My Friend: "Hey hunny, I think I'm planning an impromtu girls night tonight and going to watch that chick flick with Shelle and So and So."

Husband: Looks at her in shock, "So what? I have to babysit the kids?"

Me in my head: "Oh no you didn't!? You get to spend quality time with your kids while your wife takes a break for herself." (honestly the girl is one of those girls that feels bad that she gets to stay at home so never takes time for herself! Reminds me of a fellow blogger we all love... JULES :)

My Friend: "I'll make sure they are in bed before I leave."

Husband: "Okay then."

I kid you not people.

So what do you think? Is it babysitting if the husband is watching the kids? Guys, Gals, what do you think?

Shelle-BlokThoughts

***Tomorrow is our first He Said/ She Said post so stay tuned for that and make sure to see what side YOU take! :)

***If you have any questions or problems that you would like to have addressed in Group Therapy please email me at blokthoughts@gmail dot com orrealworldvenusmars @ gmail dot com.

Leave your advice in the comments, comment on other comments, and feel free to comment Anonymously.

In-Laws Involvement with Grandkids or Lack of It

First, I want to let Sage know that I enjoyed his post on this topic tremendously. Which brings me to do a flip side post for the topic.

See, my family {meaning my hub, kids and myself} live in Hawaii which is practically a halfway point from each side of our family {his side of the family and my side of the family}. The only way either parents or grandparents in my kids' case can get involved with the kids is through air which we all know can be very costly. And of course, my hub and I like it just fine this way. I like having to do this parenting all on my own with the help of the hubby without any other interference from either parents. Oh don't get me wrong, I don't mind a few word of advice here and there but just the thought of my MIL or my mom undermining my authority when it comes to my kids is enough to drive me bonkers.

On the other hand, my MIL had taken this non-involvement to a whole new level. We've been living in our current place of residency for seventeen years and in all that time, she's only visited three times and each of those visits, the longest she ever stay was a total of one week. She had recently gained custody of her daughter's (my SIL's) two boys so basically her life is pretty much wrapped up around those boys. So the last time she came to visit, which was this past May for my daughter's high school graduation, she brought one of the grandson with her. That was a little on the hurtful side because her attention is not all focused on my kids, but on her other grandson who by the way lives with her and is therefore not deprived of her attention.

She used to be sooo good when it comes to Christmas and birthdays...she sends all of her grandchildren, not just the ones living here in Hawaii but all the other ones on the mainland, Birthday and Christmas gifts on time but since she had decided to play legal guardian to her other grandkids, she's totally slacked off. My kids would be lucky if MIL actually remember to give them a call on their birthdays.

I am grateful that my MIL is not too involved with my kids when it comes to parenting but I'm not too happy about the fact that she basically isn't playing her grandmotherly duty too well. Correct me if I'm mistaken, but in my opinion or from what I know, the grandparents are famous for doting and spoiling their grandchildrent...so yes, I feel cheated in a way that my In-Laws are not doing that to my kids.

Which brings me this question...do grandparents only tote on their grandchildren if they're allowed to take part in the discipline part?

It must be AWFUL to be a girl...

Happy 2010 Everyone!

No Truer Words were spoken... :)-- Click on it if you want to see it bigger!!!



Calvin and Hobbes has to be one of my favorite comic strips...