Guest Post-SCIFI Dad

SciFi Dad has his own blog where he talks about his two children and his wife who he calls MultiTaskingMommy or (MTM)... He's funny, witty, and sometimes downright to honest. But he's always interesting and so is his writing! I'm so happy that he decided to write a guest post on our site... we are humbled! Enjoy guys, it's a good one... it might just make you laugh! :)

This the story of the first time I stayed at my in-laws' cottage, which is also the first time I met them for more than two minutes in a doorway.

It was the August long weekend. I had met my wife the previous June, so we had been together for a couple of months. We drove up in her car since I did not know the way (and believe me, it is no easy task to find this place). This allowed me to keep a close eye on what I had believed would be my saving grace that weekend: my cell phone. You see, my wife explained to me that I could not, under any circumstances go out wandering in the bush by myself. I shrugged it off and said that I'd have my cell phone with me and if I got lost I could just call for help. For the last thirty minutes of the drive, my cell phone said two words to me, over and over, "No Signal". It was around this time I started to hear the banjos from Deliverance in my head.

We rolled down the dirt road (that was a far more of an uncomfortable slope than I was used to) and approached the building. I can call it a building because the place is bigger than the house my parents raised three kids in. I would later learn it stands as a testament to how far one man will go to convince his wife to live in the middle of nowhere for their retirement. (Aside: they are never moving up there full time.) It was beautiful. It was scenic. It was picturesque. Of course, I have to take my wife's word for all that - I was still staring at my cell phone and realizing that there was a definite chance my future FIL could kill me and dispose of the body and no one would ever know.

You have to understand something about SciFi Dad. I grew up in the city. I mean, the real city. My parents' house isn't really located in a suburb, just a residential area of a city. And we were across the border from a very big city - one that was the murder capital for a while. Going there was my idea of adventure, not running into the woods and hoping nothing ate me. Crazy people shoot at you for a reason; animals just eat you because you're fleshy and slow moving.

Once I came to terms with the fact that I was completely dependent on my wife for the weekend, and that without her I would surely die (because we both knew if I wasn't with her my inlaws would have left me out in the bush to be eaten by the fishers) we went inside.

A few events stand out from that first weekend. I'll never forget that my wife, in an effort to force us to bond, left her father and I to make up the futons for us to sleep on while she went to get ready for bed. This allowed the following to happen:

FIL: "So should I make up one bed or two?"

Me: "Uh, two, sir."

"Because I know you don't have two bedrooms at your apartment."

Silence. Awkward, painful, silence.

"So two beds then."

"Yes sir."

If my memory serves me correctly, I did not allow my wife to use the bathroom by herself the rest of the weekend.

The next wonderfully fun anecdote from that weekend came the next morning. I awoke to learn that my snoring had kept.everyone.awake. So now on top of being the asshole who was sharing a bed with their daughter, I was also the guy who kept everyone up all night. Nice. I slept the last two nights on the screened in porch on an air mattress. From the vantage point of the present, the only solace I have in looking back at that story is that now my MIL sleeps on the same air mattress in our office whenever they stay at our place.

And to put a foul smelling cherry on the whole experience, the septic tank began to leak. It wasn't full (the cottage was only a couple of years old) but something went wrong and there was a brown hole on the property with a less than amiable smell emanating from it. And since it was August and there was no a/c, the windows remained open.

To recap:

• city boy in the woods
• unflappable thoughts of Deliverance
• "One bed or two?"
• sleeping on the porch
• warm air + septic problems

and I still married her... does that give you a sense of how amazing that woman is?

What about you? How did the first time you met your future spouse's parents go? (Go ahead and say it: "Not as bad as yours." I know most (all?) of you will.)

SciFi Dad

Missy Talks About Sex part 3

Wrapping up my discussion on sex and making it work for our marriage.



Let's Talk About Sex Part 3

Starting out small

Wives-Your husband wants more sex. Chances are you want to be having more sex with your husband. What are you going to do about it? Try to take note of the things that are getting in the way of it. If you feel a headache coming after dinner, do something to ward it off. Take an aspirin, take a shower. Whatever it is that helps you.

If your children have stressed you out by dinner time, set up the hour before dinner as quiet reading time. Put your foot down, and don't take no for an answer.

Is there something your husband could do to help your mood? Tell him about it.

Truly just not feeling arousable as though nothing could get you in the mood. Figure out what will, and partake in it. Do romantic movies leave you feeling like you want to make love to your husband? Maybe some erotic stories will help. They sell them at all the book stores.

Figure out what is standing in the way of your sex life and move it!

Husbands-Your wife loves you and wants to make you happy. Take a step back and try to observe her life. Don't bring up the subject of sex in words. Take note of what is going on in your house when your wife Does want to have sex.

Did you cook on the grill and use paper plates, so that there is no mess in the kitchen? Did your kids go to bed without a fight? Are all the bills paid? Maybe it was something as simple as bringing her her favorite candy bar, telling her she is beautiful. Did she overhear you tell your buddy how great of a mother she is? Did you spend time together doing something fun?

Maybe she doesn't even realize what "puts her in the mood". Are you going to be her knight in shining armor and figure it out for yourself?

I am no expert in the subject, aside from being a wife to a husband who wants more sex. I realized that I wanted more sex with my husband, but by the time we got around to it, I didn't want it anymore. Then I decided to figure out why. Fixing the problem(s) was easy, once I knew what they were.

Some of the problems holding us back were easier to fix than others.

Getting him to stop bugging me, about the sex.

Remodeling our house so that it feels more like a home. (Still working on that, but the closer we get, the more sex I want!)

When I realized the mess in my kids room was stressing me out, I moved them around. I put their bunks back together in 1 room. Put all the toys in the other, call it a playroom and shut the door when I don't want to look at it.

The baby turned 5 this year, and will go into kindergarten in the fall. I am not nearly as stressed out and tired as I was when my kids were younger. That helps.

Doing things that I love; sewing, writing a book. I can't explain how, I just know that it helps.

Taking back control of my household from my kids. They know if they continue to fight, they might just get put to bed early.

Then there are the problems that took honest hard work.

Fighting used to be a weekly (if not more) event for us. It took me a long time to realize the problems weren't what we were fighting about. I also realized his anger wasn't mine to fix. We were separated for a while. And while faced with loosing his wife and 2 little girls he decided to seek counseling.

We are in a much better place now. I am sorry it took so long to get here. We still fight. But I can count on 1 hand the number of fights we have in a year.

My husband and I have a great sex life. We have more sex than most couples, though he doesn't always agree. We are not the same people we were when we first got married. We have evolved into grown-ups, as scary as that sounds, and we appreciate each other.

Missy

Life in Left Field

I love to tease my man

Yesterday was all about flirting.... which I am. But I am also a tease! What is a tease, its a step above flirting, a little more provocative or risque you know to Tantalize. But only with my husband.

Why not its fun. I LOVE to tease my husband. I like to send him a little sex texting every now and then. Or maybe a provocative picture... you know the ones.

Sometimes I can be a bit risqué, but he LOVES it. What guy doesn’t want to hear that his girl is waiting for him when he gets home, or what she is going to do with him when he walks in the door? ;0) Or what she is wearing under that cute skirt?


I love to text Matt something wild.... while he is in a meeting. I always get a quick text back "are you trying to kill me." lol

Sometimes it can be hard to turn the “mommy” off and turn the sexy wife on. But it can be done. And teasing and flirting a bit during the day with a simple phone call, text or email can get things started. Nothing wrong with teasing your man a bit, he will be wild thinking about you all day. And you will be excited thinking about him, and what you just texted or emailed him.

I can tell you, your man will be home in a split second from work if he thinks you are waiting patiently for him. And are ready to do what you texted him earlier in the day. And why not give him a little “appetizer” while dinner is cooking? It’s the perfect time to sit the kids down in front of the TV with their favorite DVD. (That’s what they were invented for)

So, tell me, Do you tease? Is it something you did before you were married and now you don’t?

And don't forget, us Ladies love to have a man tease with us!

If you’re a guy - Do you dig it as much as my man does? Do you wish your wife would tease you?

So, give us some ideas of what teasing you do to get in the mood?

And guys we want some info here. Now's your chance to tell us ladies what really turns you on, and what you wish we would do? Do you dig the sexy texts, etc?

**And if you don't tease, do it RIGHT now. Seriously right now. And tell us what your spouses response was. Enquiring minds want to know.


Missty over at

Life is good

Flirt!

Do you flirt?

I think you should.

In fact, I think flirting can be good for your marriage (or other long-term relationship). No, seriously.

My favorite person to flirt with is my husband, of course. And I most definitely advocate flirting with your spouse every chance you get!

But, I also see the fun and benefits of a bit of innocent flirting with other people, as well.

Now, let me say, right up front, that there IS a line where "innocent" flirting becomes something else. And that's bad. I can't tell you where that line is - it's going to be a little different for every couple. But, I think, deep down, you know where it is, anyway.

But, for me, personally, giving myself permission to flirt again has improved my marriage and our love life.

The fabulous ZenHusband tells me and shows me all the time that I am beautiful and sexy and desired - and that is a WONDERFUL thing. But, at the same time, I know that he is my husband and, really, it's kind of his job to say and do that - to love me even when I'm not at my most attractive.

But, when someone else flirts with you, well that can be just that little bit of external validation you need to boost your confidence - and your libido.

After my sons were born, I was feeling just about as un-sexy as you can feel. I don't care how "easy" a pregnancy was, getting used to your post-partum body is not easy for anybody. Throw in a breastfeeding baby, a growing toddler, perpetual lack of sleep, and re-balancing hormones and you've got an anti-libido cocktail with a fatigue chaser that can pretty much kill even the best sex life.

But, then a funny thing happened when I went back to work after Minion 2 was born: My work brought me into occasional contact with a very handsome man who consistently flirted with me. Nothing overt or inappropriate: Just a little extended eye contact here, an extra smile there, a casual touch, a compliment, some light banter ... and that little bit of attention and attraction - from someone who was not my husband - was just the ego boost I needed to start feeling like an attractive woman again - and not just somebody's mom.

I used to flirt when I was single. But, after I got married ... if a man started flirting with me, I would feel a uncomfortable or guilty - like I must be doing something wrong to acknowledge or encourage it because OMG-I'm-married!

But, somewhere along the way, I've realized married does not equal dead ... and that flirting does not equal infidelity.

Now, when a man flirts with me, I take it as a compliment. It makes me feel attractive and appreciated. And when I flirt back, I feel confident and invigorated.

Ladies: Do you ever put on that perfect pair of jeans or wear those sexy shoes or have that great hair day, and you just walk around feeling like a million bucks all day? I think flirting is like that. It makes you feel good about yourself.

And when that bit of innocent flirting is over - I take those feelings of confidence and attractiveness home with me. To my husband. Who is also very appreciative of the resultant energy and enthusiasm.

The very important caveat is, of course, that you have to be sensitive to your partner's feelings. You have to make sure your level of flirting is within your partner's comfort zone - if your flirting is pushing buttons of jealousy or insecurity - time to stop or dial back!

And, you have to be comfortable with the quid pro quo - don't think that you get a free pass to flash some cleavage to the UPS guy and then turn around and scold your partner for winking at your local barista.

But ... if you are both secure and comfortable - go ahead and flirt a little! You might find that it's good for both of you!

But, hey, that's just my opinion. What do you think?

Are we talking sex still?

So as not to disappoint anyone I had to get in on the sex talk...again. Cuz, apparently I think about it a lot.

What do you do to prep for that special time? Shower? Put on cologne? Strip down? Suck on a .... Breath mint. (sick minds)

Well, lately Hubby has been in heaven. He knows the hormones are whacked and I'm up for anything every night. I know if he is up for me waking him up when I get home from work if I smell cologne on him when I climb into bed. Good signals going on here.

I have a sister who has a code word she and her hubby use to signal they are feeling frisky.

Some people put out the red light on their front porch saying they are open for business.

What do you do to let your significant other know the welcome mat is out?

How I Met Your Father

Isn't it funny how you always seem to find what you need just when you're not looking for it?

I'd sworn off men. Hadn't been on a date in almost a year - hadn't been physically intimate with anyone for 2 years. I was coming off of a series of "bad" relationships and I was not interested in starting a new one.

But, the universe, it seems had other ideas.

It was St. Patrick's Day. I hadn't planned on going to that local bar and grill that night. Turns out, he hadn't either. But we both ended up there anyway.

I was with my roommate. After getting a couple of girly umbrella drinks at the bar (and getting hit on by a couple of nice-but-no-thank-you guys), we took our drinks out to the patio to enjoy the unseasonably warm evening and to avoid the more meat-market feel of the bar area.

We were chatting and laughing when I heard this deep, rumbling voice behind me ask if I he could join us. So, I turned in my chair and saw ...

... a lumberjack.

Seriously. That was my first impression: This tall, broad-chested, dark-haired, red-cheeked, brown-eyed, long-lashed, baritone with a red plaid shirt, blue jeans and a friendly smile - He looked like he belonged on a package of Brawny towels.

I said yes.

For the record, my Darling Husband tells me his first impression of me was "Nice Rack."

Awww. Innit-he-sweet?

So, he and his friend (who, a few years later would serve as our Best Man) did join our table and we had a nice chat about work, beer, pets, family, our town, and so on.

That first impression stuck for a while. My roommate would tell me "your sexy lumberjack called" or ask if I was going out with "Mr. Brawny" again. Which, of course, I did.

Our first date was coffee; the second was a B.B. King Concert. Thereafter followed by the usual ... movies ... a candlelight homemade dinner (Don't worry: He cooked, not me!) ... a day hike in Yosemite ... dinner with his family ... Easter brunch with my family.

Still a bit gun-shy, I was taking things one day at a time. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I kept expecting it all to end.

But it didn't. And, before I knew it, I was agreeing to be Mrs. Lumberjack.

It's been 12 years since the night we met. And we are still working on our happily ever after one day at a time.

###

How did you meet your significant other? Did you "know" he/she was the one?

Missy Talks About Sex part 2

Continuing on our discussion of sex and making it work better for our marriage...

Let's Talk About Sex Part 2

What else is standing in the way of a great sex life?

Exhaustion? Even if the wife doesn't leave the home, she has also worked all day. If you have young kids at home, you should resign yourself to the fact that your sex life is going to change.

Stress? If there is a lot of crap going on, kids having a hard time in school, car payment is going to be late, Mother-in-law is coming for a visit, it's hard to put it out of our heads sometimes. Remember women are initially aroused in their brain, as opposed to visually, like men.

Anxiety about sex itself? Knowing that your husband/wife is expecting sex can be stressful. This is when it begins to feel like just one more thing he or she is expected to get done in a day.

Environment? I know that I am not aroused, when my house is a mess. A messy house is very stressful to me. I feel like everyone should pitch in, even if I am responsible for keeping the house nice. It makes me angry when my family makes a mess without cleaning it up. Especially when they seem to have no regard for my feelings. If I am feeling like the unappreciated maid, I won't be feeling like a lover.

Fighting? Fighting amongst yourselves is a sex killer. I have heard “The best part of fighting is making up.” But I don't believe it. In fact, I have never met one couple who ended a fight with sex.

What can be done about the things getting in the way?

Exhaustion: Even if you don't feel like your wife works, trust me-she does! Your not going to change her mind about this. The sooner your on her page, the better off you'll be. She wants to feel as though her work is recognized and appreciated. And, every now and then, she needs a break. A bubble bath is probably not the ticket, unless you can guarantee the kids won't be screaming at each other, or bothering her.

At least one day a week, I leave the house and do something, by.my.self! I am not a complicated person. Sometimes it's just grocery shopping without the kids. If my husband checks the mail and finds a flier from our local fabric store, he will give me 20 bucks and tell me to go have some 'me time'. Whats important about that is, it was his own idea. And when the kids fuss because they want to go, he explains to them that I need time away by myself. Big points for Sexy Papa. Fabric shopping by myself-very arousing. If he has put the kids to bed by the time I get home, bonus points.

Stress: Very often there isn't anything we can do to eliminate stress. Understanding when your partner is stressed out is key. Maybe instead of thinking about sex, the husband and wife talk about the stress and try to come up with a plan to battle it. There is no harm in trying. Maybe all the time spent together, talking, will lead to sex later. Maybe the problem gets solved and you have sex to celebrate.

Stress in men is often alleviated by some down time. I think it's important for my husband to have some time to himself when he gets home. So if he doesn't start talking to me right when he gets home, I don't go yack his ear off with my day to day crap, unless it's important. We'll have time to talk later when the kids go to bed. He needs to get over the stress from work before he can even hear about the stress at home.

Anxiety about sex itself: My wife should give me sex whenever I want it. Not so long ago, my husband belonged to that school of thought. Guess where that got him?
While he was feeling entitled, I was feeling like it was another chore. Chores=not fun. I resisted, he became grumpy. "I guess I'll go to bed, not like I'm getting sex anyway." I heard that a lot. Finally one day I turned to him and said "talking about all the sex your not getting is not a turn on to me." His pouting like a 2 year old before he even tried to coax me always made me go cold. The light bulb started to flicker for him.

Stop bugging your wife for sex. Matter of fact, try to go a couple of days without bringing it up. Just to see what happens. I can tell you, my husband is a much happier boy. He still pouts on occasion, but only if it's been a really long time.

While we're on the subject, a long time is MORE than 14 days. Most married people don't have sex everyday. The average amount of times married couples have sex is slightly more than once per week. Look it up!

Environment: Try pulling your weight around the house without expecting sex as a reward. No married couple should be using sex as a tool. Occasionally my husband will pitch in on a marathon cleaning session. Somehow he has figured out that if the house is clean by Sat. night, he is more likely to get Sunday morning sex. If he is home when I pull out the vacuum, he offers to do it, because he knows it hurts my knees. Those little things make a big difference to me.

Fighting: Screaming, throwing things, slamming doors. These things create a terrorizing environment. Gaven DeBecker wrote something that basically stated: Men fear that a woman will reject him. Where as a woman fears that he will kill her. We aren't so far removed from the past that we don't realize that it can happen. And if your screaming at your wife a lot, she is wondering when it will get turned up a notch. She is wondering if your going to hit her.

Think about the reason for your fighting. Determine it's weight in your relationship. Is the thing your fighting about important enough to wager your marriage on? There is a time in every relationship where the issues are important enough to fight about. That being said, fighting should not be a weekly event.

Would you scream at your boss the way your scream at each other? How about your mother, or even a stranger on the street? Doesn't the person you love deserve at least as much respect as you would show a passing stranger?

How often do problems get solved by fighting? I know I didn't feel satisfied after a good screaming match. Neither did my husband.

Whatever it is you can do to get away from this scenario, DO IT!

Missy

Life in Left Field