Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Group Therapy-Spouse or Friends?

WELCOME TO GROUP THERAPY!!!


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Someone wrote a post similar to my concern, but my husband when he is around his friends or OUR friends is a different person than when he's just with me. That isn't to say he's horrible with me, but let's say we are in an arguement and he decides to play the silent treatment with me, he would go on for days if I allowed it! But as soon as we see a friend or someone he knows he's all chipper and talking about life and even how proud he is of me. Or let's say one of his buddies get's on his nerves, they argue a bit, he doesn't play silent treatment to them? He forgives them so much more easily than he forgives me. Does this makes sense? Why am I the one that has to deal with that? Is this selfish of me? Is it just part of marriage? I just feel like I should be given more leniency and easier forgiveness then he gives his friends or acquaintenances. What do you guys think? I want your opinion? Am I the only one that feels this way?



Thank you.


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If you have an issue you would like to post for Group Therapy email me at blokthoughts at gmail dot com.

10 comments:

tysdaddy said...

My guess? When he is all chipper with others or more forgiving of his friends, he is not being real. He obviously believes he has some sort of reputation to uphold as an outgoing and forgiving and roll-with-it kind of guy, so he puts up the front around others. But who he is with you is the real deal, and he needs to deal with this issue soon . . .

You ask if it is a part of marriage. I believe so. He is obviously comfortable around you and therefore chooses not to play the part he plays when around others. He probably believes your affections for him are not going to change regardless of how he acts, or what sort of show he puts on, so he just doesn't try to impress you anymore. What you see is what you're going to get when it's just you and him . . .

I hope that makes sense. As far as what you can do? Just be honest with him. Tell him that you understand his reticence, but that it is misleading, and the signals you're receiving are mixed. Ask him point blank . . . why do you treat me differently than others? And be ready to demonstrate how you interpret his actions when around you. He may not even realize he's doing it . . .

Hope that helps. I'm sure more advice will roll in over the course of the day, so don't take mine as the end of the discussion.

Thanks for your willingness to share your predicament and allow us to offer words of encouragement and advice . . .

ShellSpann said...

That would totally piss me off!

I definitely think you should discuss this with him and tell him how you feel about it.

Missy said...

Before I begin, let me say it was a long time before I was brave enough to tell my hubby what was really on my mind. But once I did, it sort of opened both our eyes.

He didn't realize that he was taking out his daily stresses on me. When I finally built up the nerve to say to him "What the hell is your problem? It not fair to me that you are angry about work and come home and scream at me. I hope you scream at your boss the same way. Because that is what your actually mad about."

Now I see that it's not the same thing, entirely. But it's the same point. He acts different for others than he does with you. My husband didn't realize what he was doing. But the basic explanation was "My boss will fire me." It a lot harder for me to leave him than for his boss to fire him. He felt a little to secure in his right to yell at me. But pointing it out helped.

Your husband is not fighting fair. He needs to be reminded that you are a team and in this life together. Your the most special person in his life, and he needs to treat you as such. Yes couples argue, but it makes for a miserable existence when the fight goes on for days.

With some guys, you just have to point out the obvious.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I think a lot of people are like this, I bet if you step back and look at how you treat others vs your spouse you would realize you are similar.

Having said that? It isn't excusable.

I agree with the others, just pointing it out, not accusing but just letting know how you fell will go along way.

It's easier to be more honest with your partner and spouse that it is other people and nobody wants to be a downer when they see other people.

But either does a spouse want to live witha downer... Right? :)

Missty said...

I wouldn't be happy about his behavior. And I would tell him. Seriously he should be treating you far better than friends, etc. And same with you. We treat family with our best. Not worse than strangers or friends.

I would have a nice talk with him, maybe he hasn't even noticed? And giving you the silent treatment for days is unacceptable as well... forget that nonesense. He sounds like a spoiled brat. I would let him know, he has about ___ hours to get mad and then get over whatever it was. lol he kinda sounds like some women. (man I hate saying that!) lol

Good luck. That type of behavior would drive me crazy.

Just Jules said...

You let him do it. I do too. I find that when I plant my feet and tell my husband I am done with this sort of treatment that it ends much sooner. Don't let it go for days. Tell him it is time to deal with it now (as long as he has had a bit of cooling down time) I know from my life this is easier to say then do... but it does work to not allow it. You deserve to be treated as an adult...

My hubby and I make the BEST couple in public. You would call us the poster child for relationships if you saw us. We know how to play the game - who doesn't right? But it is how we act behind close doors that we need to control.

Just Jules said...

You let him do it. I do too. I find that when I plant my feet and tell my husband I am done with this sort of treatment that it ends much sooner. Don't let it go for days. Tell him it is time to deal with it now (as long as he has had a bit of cooling down time) I know from my life this is easier to say then do... but it does work to not allow it. You deserve to be treated as an adult...

My hubby and I make the BEST couple in public. You would call us the poster child for relationships if you saw us. We know how to play the game - who doesn't right? But it is how we act behind close doors that we need to control.

Joanna Cake said...

I can remember by Mum complaining because my Dad was always the 'life and soul of the party' when he was out and when he was at home, he wasnt. Mind you, she didnt always bring out his best side.

I think, with Ruf, I have tried to ensure that I am the same happy person outside and indoors. Of course, it's easier because we dont see each other all the time so we dont want to waste any of it by being difficult with each other.

Ive found that the best way to deal with things that irritate is to actually say it straight out, rather than sulking and letting it fester. The silent treatment is never good for anyone.

Say what's on your mind, get it out and clear the air. My feeling is that you should tell him how you feel and if he can't behave better towards you when he's with you then perhaps you shouldnt be with him.

Respectfully Yours said...

My mom once told me that she thought giving someone the silent treatment is a form of abuse. It is such a cruel treatment because the person has no opportunity to defend themselves or communicate. It is so frustrating and demoralizing.....definitely try talking to him. I am following you now...

ATV WEB SOLUTION said...

Group therapy gives individuals a safe and comfortable place where they can work out problems and emotional issues with others. It takes place in small groups of patients that meet regularly to talk, interact, and discuss problemswith each other and the group leader (therapist).

WE BELONG