Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Spouse: Overly positive or negative?

When I informed my wife of my impending post, she hung her head in shame.

I grinned at the act of her lowering her head because she wanted to avoid my steady and unblinking gaze. We both knew right away who was who.

My wife is the negative one. I am the positive one. We balance each other out.

There have been days where she has had a bad start in the morning. It gets hard for her. She can go into a downward spiral. Sometimes, she will crash 'n' burn and she just hates it when that happens.

When I have a bad start, I relax and focus on the positive. Sometimes, I will talk to someone and that does the job. My wife has asked me how the hell I can find my center so easily. I've told her that it comes to me naturally. Sure, I will go into a downward spiral but that is rare.

There have been times when my wife's negativity overwhelms me. No matter how hard I try to stay positive, I will lose to that once in a while. Granted, I don't like "losing" but the latest defeat is that...a temporary setback. I know she will appreciate what I tried to do for her. She has admitted that she couldn't have made it through some days without my support. We complement each other because it takes teamwork to make that happen.

I absolutely love teamwork. If you asked me to play a game with you, I will always answer with "Can we be on the same team?" You will always hear from me things like "Good job!" or "That was great!". I can engage in trash talk on a friendly term. Sometimes after my wife and I have said all the things we needed to say during a fight, I will say something out of the blue just to lighten up the mood. That always gets her and we are good once again. Nothing like teamwork.

Can a spouse be overly positive or negative? Yes. What can we do about that? We show support. What if support isn't enough? Use the teamwork - work with your spouse to find the common ground/goal. What if all of that doesn't work? You've stayed with your spouse all this time and there has to be a reason for that, so use humor and love.

Psst...did you see what I did? How I wrote this post? The style of writing? Didn't you notice that each subsequent paragraph had one sentence more than the previous one? Go ahead...scroll back and count. I won't be offended. I had an idea and I felt positive that I could do it. I achieved what I set out to do. See how positivity can prevail in the odds of adversity?


Mommies-Miracles said...

Great post and so true, teamwork definitely has advantages!

Anonymous said...

Outside of serious tragedy beyond our control everyone wakes up every morning and makes a decision on what kind of day they will have.
Some people like being miserable, it is just how they roll.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Sage. So many morning, I forget that most of what will happen during a day is beyond my control, but how I respond to that stuff, and use it to shape future events, is all on me.

Excellent post. Even without all that sentence counting, it made perfect sense . . .

In our relationship, I admit to being the negative one. And yet my wife is a rock of encouragement, always pointing out the good, or steering an emotional path through the brambles. We've gotten good at the teamwork concept, and use it to our advantage . . .

Anonymous said...

@ Sage - Right, because I just LOVE being upset and I just LOVE crying and I just LOVE being negative and I just LOVE being so upset that it starts to affect my husband and kids.

Sorry but newsflash handsome, not EVERYONE who is more negative than positive "likes being miserable".

@ NV - That was a very lovely post. Hubby and I are very similar. He is the more positive one and I'm the more negative one. I've been trying very hard these last few months to not dwell upon the negatives but to also acknowledge them. One of the problems I have with hubby is that he rarely (if ever) verbally acknowledges the negatives, the problems, the issues. And then I feel like he really just doesn't care, that he lives with Rosey Coloured Glasses on. We've had arguements over this before.

Anyhoo, I like how, despite making it clear who was who in the relationship, you were still talking about your wife in a positive light. Does that make sense? I'm sure it does lol you know my language ;)

I like what you said, particularly "We balance each other out."

I think, as long as the couple balances each other out than it works and it can work really well. When the balance starts to tilt towards the negative side and continues to tilt (because, sure, it happens once in a while) then there is an issue that needs to be dealt with.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I married some one that is way laid back. Until recently with stress from school and a job made him more negative then he's ever been... which is really not even that bad--we have a relatively good thing going.

We don't have to balance each other out because we are booth more on the positive side then the negative.

Life happens so at time negativity is there, but rarely stays long.

I'm not a person that let's it get to me for very long... something might happen during the day that really makes me mad or bugged, but I can't hold on to that feeling to save my life--I'm not patting myself on the back... that is just how I am and have always been--mostly I can't remember what I was mad about or that I really even care that much to be mad anymore.

Even during the death of my nephew where I cried and bawled until I couldn't hardly breathe... I"d be laughing not to long after... it's how I deal with things. I have to find hope or the positive... it's kinda how I am and how I roll.

I couldn't be around someone that was always depressed or negative... I couldn't live like that.

Just Jules said...

Alex - being miserable is working for you in some way or the other OR you would find a way to change it/ fix it.

Just Jules said...

I am the positive one. My husband is the "realist" as he calls it - I call it negative. Problem, it is catchy...... I try to fight it, yet at times get sucked in.

I still prevail on most days being happy and positive, it works better. I have issues and I have problems and there are days they get me down. But, always I pick myself up and I try it again.

I decided on this is college after not leaving my apartment for four days. Forget it, I was doing it to myself. I had to fix what was wrong OR not complain about it. NO one is going to take your troubles and deal with them - not if you are a functioning adult anyway.

Nolens Volens said...

Mommies-Miracles - thanks!

Sage - I wake up and I am ready to go. That's how I roll.

Tysdaddy - thank you. Teamwork is essential to making a relationship work. Always.

Alex - yep, I was talking about my wife in a positive light despite her faults. Hehe. What you just said about tilting towards to the negative...that was good because I've found myself on a tilt and I need to fight that. Too easy to give in...to the dark side. ;)

Shelle - humor is my defense mechanism. Even in the face of death. When I am stressed, angry, tired, or bonkers...I turn to humor for relief.

Just Jules - I remember college days. Funny thing was...I was homesick a month later, but I took to the dorm life like a duck to water because of the opportunities to prank people. Man, do I have stories to tell! LOL

SheSaid/HeSaid said...

In my marriage, I don't see it as one of is one thing and one of us is the other. For us, who is the more optimistic depends on the situation, the day or the subject matter. On rare occasions, we both may wake up on the negative side - but we usually recognize that we need to pull each other up - and strive to make it happen. Other times, we both have great days and then we ride the wave and enjoy the moment. It's teamwork - we need each other and rely on each other.

Missy said...

My hubby and I are very much the same. I am positive and he is more negative. I will ask him what is wrong, and if he wants to talk about it, I can do that. Otherwise I just have to let him fizzle out.

I am the person who will always look for the good in things. Because dwelling on negativity just won't get anything done.

KLZ said...

I really feel like my hubby and I share the positive/negative. If one goes up the other goes down (not like that). It's a good balance but some days it can be really frustrating. I mean, how irritating is it when you're in a good funk and you have to deal with someone who's so damned happy? Or when you're on top of the world and someone wants to burst your bubble.

Usually it works for us, is what I'm saying. But every relationship has things and moments they need to work on.

Anonymous said...

Jules - it may work for me from time to time but that doesn't mean I LIKE it and that's what I was getting at. Sage specifically said (and I quote) "Some people like being miserable."

Also, I think there is a difference between being negative and being miserable.

I don't LIKE being negative. I don't like being the one to constantly have to remind my husband that there is a negative to things, just as there is a positive. I am realistic. I see the negative, I acknowledge the negative and I try very hard to see and acknowledge the positive. But SOMEONE in the relationship has to acknowledge the negatives (they don't HAVE to dwell upon them though, and most times they choose to) or else the world would be filled with rose coloured glasses and the extreme of both ends is NOT a good idea.

But :P that's my opinion haha