Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Shelle's Love Definition-which is WAY better than Sage's!

So you read Sage's take on LOVE yesterday? If not, don't waste your time--you won't get anything out of it ;)

If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought my husband wrote it.

So I thought I'd kinda respond on what I think LOVE is. From my perspective. Even though nobody asked me! :)

Every relationship I've ever been in I'm IN because I like the person. When it came to boyfriends I liked them AND I lusted after them which can often be confused with LOVING THEM and often is, especially when we are young and have learned "love" through media. But having now been married to the same person for 10 years I realize that he is the only person I have EVER truly LOVED that wasn't my family.

Sage asks in his post: "First what is it? I mean how do you know you have it? It always seemed to me that everyone that ever had or was in love cried all the time. How could that be good enough to want it? Why would anyone have it?" and later on he asks these questions, "how would I know? I mean do b
ells go off? Do I get something? Does my stomach feel like I'm gonna have the squirts?" (he has a way with words right? *snort* at squirts)

So... here is how I see love. Or how I KNOW I love my husband. Even though in no way did anyone ask me. I just want to share my opinion!

Love is built upon--Lust or Like. But like and lust are fickle. It's ever changing and doesn't last, but that is how most relationships start. You either lust after them or you like them enough to hang out with them more than once. (exception being your own kids. Most parents will agree that you LOVE them first)

Most people confuse love for wanting to be with a person all.the.time or wanting to jump on them and have their way with them or something like that. But to me, that is lust or a lot a lot of like. But not love. I was like that with a lot of people in my life. Especially guys I liked. I just HAD to talk to them or be
around them and if we dated and then kissed a lot...BOOM I thought I was in LOVE! Then after just a few weeks I'd get sick of them. The newness died away and life would interfere. Or they might have gotten sick of me (Pshaw! yea right! I just had to put that in there so you didn't feel I was cocky). Or I met someone else that I liked (lusted after) more. So I was never really in love. But by society's definition I was. I had my fair share of crying over people leaving my life... but I realized it was mostly because I didn't control their leaving. Funny right? With every situation like that I was already trying to find a way out myself, but the fact that I didn't control when it happened I felt more vulnerable... does that makes sense? So I cried over hurt pride not necessarily the person.

Or they confuse LOVE with Romance. That can't be true though. A person could never have someone do roman
tic things for them and yet still be shown love or feel love. And on the reverse, someone could be showered with romance and still feel as though they haven't been loved or been shown love. Romance is an added bonus for sure, but unnecessary to love someone.

So now that I have separated what most people deem as love. Here is what I think it means.

Love to me isn't as much an emotion, as it is an action. Do I love to hear my husband whisper in my ear, "I love you". YES! Very much so! But if he hadn't of already showed me he loved me, he could whisper until he was blue in the face--but I'd never believe it. For example: my weight. My husband tells me how beautiful my body is to him but in my mind I see my body differently. I don't believe it, so therefore I don't believe him. Get it?

Love for me is the things he does to SHOW me he wants me in his life by taking care of me. He protects me. He provides for me. He does random things to make my life easier. He will do things I ask him to do even though I KNOW he would rather be doing something else, meaning he would be ANYWHERE else rather than where he is. He respects me and treats me that way. He forgives me when I do things that I'm sorry for. He sees a need of mine and takes care of it and sometimes even my wants. He shoves me out the door when I need GIRL time or MY time. He is supportive when I try something new.

But also I know he loves me because at times he DOESN'T like me, yet he still loves me. I drive him crazy. He'll fight with me to defend his position. I'm almost sure he's held back from knocking me upside the head.

And see... I LOVE him because I want and I do those same things for him.

Also, love for me is the person I don't ever want out of my life even during those times I'm mad or angry at them. I'd rather be mad at them with them in my life then to not have them at all. I KNOW I love my husband because if he ever left me by death or some other way I wouldn't and couldn't just forget about him. Sure I'd still live my life, kind of like when you lose someone you love by death, you still continue to live your life after they are gone, but they aren't forgettable They are ingrained in memories that involve action and smell, they are always one thought away. My husband is the reason for most ups in my life and the reason for most downs. He is both the good and the bad. I think love encompasses both.

I don't know if any of that makes sense really to you guys... and I definitely think Sage was lost as soon as I said the word LOVE.

But in a nutshell. Love is an action more than an emotion. It is what you do daily in your life for the people you don't want out of your life.

What about you guys? How do you feel about it? How do you define it?

Late EDIT: Go ahead and add your list of what you think LOVE entails!


Kat said...

OH Shelle! You are married to my Dear Hubby! Seriously, I love your description of love, and I think I'm going to follow you now and sometime this week talk about love and send people this way to read your description...

Anonymous said...

Fantastic post Shelle :) I love your definition of Love, both Society's definition and your definition.

I also wanted to add that I believe Love is also when you can let someone go because they want to go. You don't fight or argue over it. If he (or she) doesn't want to be IN anymore or doesn't share your feelings, you can let them walk away without it changing how you feel about them.

Barbaloot said...

I totally agree with what you said at the end: "It is what you do daily in your life for the people you don't want out of your life." That seems so perfect.

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

"Love for me is the things he does to SHOW me he wants me in his life by taking care of me. He protects me." Right there with ya sista! When I tell my Hubby a crazy story about how I thought a creepy guy was following me from the library and he gets that worried look in his eye and says you can keep the door locked until I get here. I just melt. I know he loves me because he doesn't tell me I'm crazy or want me to leave the door unlocked because it is annoying to stand outside your home and wait for your wife to unlock the door when you want to go in. He wants me safe because he wants me in his life forever because he loves me. You quoted that part from Sage's post about the crying. I forgot that I disagreed with that! Yes I cry sometimes because I'm happy or because Hubby and I hurt each other's feelings, but that is rare! I even see people crying and emotional at their weddings. Does Sage think those people love each other more or less than people who don't cry?

Anonymous said...

Sure, there are emotions involved with Love. However, I also see it as a conscious choice/decision that has a direct correlation with actions. It is often the driving force behind the things that we do for others. It can also give one the greatest sense of joy and well-being. Sure, there is the flip side of the coin where those we love may also cause pain and vice versa. For me, the rewards are worth the risks ten times over. Usually when real love is involved, there is also understanding and forgiveness if needed to mend those relationships that are of utmost importance.

I also agree with Alex in some cases that may mean that you love someone enough to let them go, if that is the right thing to do.

I choose to love, because to me, it is a rich part of the human experience that I don't want to miss out on. Not everyone is going to express or feel things in the same way. However, to me, living life without love seems to be contrary to the fundamental point of human existence.

Anjeny said...

You're right..your version is WAAAAY better than Sage's..take that Sage! :p

Seriously, I love it the first time I read it and even more the second time around. Love that you have an added photo on here.

Love is also knowing when to back down or walk away during an argument. Even more, to learn to say "sorry" even if you feel you're not at fault.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Kat! That would be awesome! Thanks so much. It's funny how when we read something it just makes sense... unlike reading Sage's version on Love ;)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

"I also wanted to add that I believe Love is also when you can let someone go because they want to go."

Sure... but I can also just LIKE someone enough to do that.

But I get your meaning.

I think societies definition is unrealistic... more of a fantasy.

LOVE is hard... ya know?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Barb--It's completely how I feel in one sentence about it.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Meagan- "Does Sage think those people love each other more or less than people who don't cry?" I don't know for sure? I think he just doesn't tie emotion into Love at all. Or anything for that matter.

I do agree that he shows he cares and loves you a lot when he will even LISTEN that some guy made you nervous so he suggests locking the door.

I remember bawling to my hubs while he was at work that my kid POO'D all over his bedroom and "WHY o WHY" did I have to clean it up! Crying, dry heaving... bleh. But he listened and didn't laugh in my face... Love I tell ya! :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

ANON 1 "Usually when real love is involved, there is also understanding and forgiveness if needed to mend those relationships that are of utmost importance."

So true. I think you do look past things because you want to. You make a choice everyday to stay in love with them. You Forgive them for driving you crazy... they forgive you.

Real love that is.

Fickle and not real love means you won't forgive and you give up.

To me anyway. Great comment!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

ANj-Girl I know you got my back! hehehehe

"Love is also knowing when to back down or walk away during an argument. Even more, to learn to say "sorry" even if you feel you're not at fault."

Also totally agree! There are many times I say "I'm Sorry" because I just don't want to argue about it and it's menial to me but I can tell it's a big deal for him. Same with arguing... sometimes, the fight just isn't worth the big picture!

Nolens Volens said...

My fave sentence in your post? "He forgives me when I do things that I'm sorry for." Why? I've done on both sides. Very good post. :)

Just Jules said...

Is it a coincidence you post this on the day Sage was on the road ????? ;) hahaha! j/k - totally.

I think love is caring deeply for someone. I can lust after, like, and desire someone but do I actually LOVE them- no because my care for them or their life of what makes them - them.. isn't there. I just like their bod or eyes or they are fun etc.

I have been thinking about this a lot since Sage's post. It is hard for men and woman to agree on this because our brains truly and physically do fire on opposite sides - so it IS different for men and women. thank god or we would all kill our husbands in their sleep and bury them in the garden I believe at one point or another in our relationships.

CaJoh said...

OK… Love for me is a realization. I realize that I am in love with someone and that is when I tell them. It is my way of discerning the difference between the Lust and the Social definitions that you mentioned.

And for me Relationships Relate. That means that we relate to someone and that is what a relationship is to me— how we relate to the other person. Being in a relationship does not necessarily require Love (I relate to my co-workers but don't need to Love them), but Love does bind a relationship in a way that makes relating with someone a lot easier when the challenges in life come your way.

I best stop before I write a post (and I can if you want to hear more).

Anonymous said...

Oh blah blah Shelle :P Yes, I know, if you like someone you can do the same thing but we're talking about LOVE. Also, it's consideribly more hard to do this when you LOVE the person.

So there :P

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

NV- thanks. I think we have all been on both sides huh?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Jules-- oh for sure that is why I posted today :). You weren't suppose to point it out! Hehehehe

Most Men and Women think a like. But if a man is emotional then he is judges and called, "gay" and if a woman is unemotional she is called "hard" "cold" like "stone" I wonder why that is?


Great comment though

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Cajoh- that is perfect! Realization that you love them. Realization when you fight you still love them. Realization because they are gone they are still fresh in your mind...

That was good.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Alex- lol...okay very true! It is harder if you LOVE them :)

T said...

I agree with Shelle

and no, not just because she told me to come over and say exactly that.

I love my husband - and while I appreciate ALL of the ways he shows his love, I think those little gestures like dishes and filling my care up with gas make me smile the most... because he didn't have to - he wanted to.

And when I'm not being a crabby meanie-head I reciprocate well and show HIM the love in his favorite ways. (he doesn't care if I do the dishes for him... weird.)

Always Home and Uncool said...

"Love is an action more than an emotion."

OK, Shelle. You got me with that one, oh Queen of Google Buzz.

Kat said...

I told you I'd write something and link to you and I did :) I hope it's ok!


Joanna Cake said...

Also, love for me is the person I don't ever want out of my life even during those times I'm mad or angry at them

That's when I knew it was time to leave. When I didnt have that 'anxious' upset feeling in my chest about not having him in my life any more. And when I stopped thinking 'I must tell ** that' if something interesting happened during my day.