First off, thanks so much to Sage and Shelle for letting me do this post. It is my first guest post and I'm super excited! Second, I haven't been blogging for the purpose of people actually reading it that long, so I'm still working on my natural wit coming through on a computer screen... Third, it's shameless-plug-of-my-own-blogs time! A Researcher of Life My Life's Love Medley
This blog post is going to be specifically about my current relationship (informed by past ones). I think that all this social media (or the lack of it) has been fantastically wonderful for my relationship. Fantastically wonderful might be over-reaching, but I stand by it.
The guy I'm currently seeing is different from previous guys. Some differences include: very busy; very involved in his career; divorced with a kid; slightly older. These things make it a bit difficult for me, as I am used to being is somewhat consuming relationships. This guy, we'll call him PT, doesn't have the time for (and probably doesn't want) a consuming relationship.
BLOGGING. There is a big adjustment factor there for me. When I want to see him or talk to him and he can't get back to me for hours or maybe even days, I begin to think mutinous thoughts. I think out entire monologues worth of rude voice mails designed to evoke unpleasant images. I plan (out loud) entire tomes of rude e-mails designed to express my frustrations like he's never heard before. But then I don't do it. I blog. I type out my frustrations, realize they sound bitter and sad, and fix them so they only sound a bit that way. It buys him some extra time to get un-busy without knowing I have an all-consuming person lurking underneath the surface. And I'm becoming less that way as I read back some older posts. All I can think is, "who is that person??" and "no wonder I'm not married yet!"" But blogging about the bad stuff makes blogging about the good stuff feel all the much better.
Why not just tell him I want more time and see if he can fix it? Because I want to do things different with this guy. I don't want to demand more from him than he can give. And he's only been divorced for about two years. I think he could use a break from someone fussing at him and pointing out his flaws for a while. So, blogging helps me to be a better half of the relationship and gives him more time to do him.
FACEBOOK. I had a Facebook account, he didn't. This was great! I didn't have to see pictures of him with his ex, all hugged up and super happy. I know I can't be alone in loathing that first glance at the Facebook page of the new man in your life. And because he didn't have an account, I didn't have to worry about the content on mine. There's nothing too bad on my page, but there were a couple of things I was glad to not try to pre-emptively explain. You know, why I'm sitting on that guy's lap and the picture is dated a month after we started dating. It's easily enough explained, the picture is older than that, but the person just now posted it, and besides that guy is just a friend. I've heard stories of these convos way too often to want to engage in them. It's the same with MySpace. He doesn't have a MySpace account either.
SKYPE. Best. Invention. Ever. I figured it would suck to date someone who lived in a different city than myself. But PT suggested Skype as a way for us to still see each other. The hopeless romantic in me immediately began envisioning internet "dates" where we make the same meal and sit down and eat together, drinking wine and talking. Or when we just have Skype up and are talking and also doing other things, just to feel like we're in the same place. It hasn't nearly lived up to those sky-high standards, but it's been a useful tool to actually see his face and spend some time learning his reactions. It was nice to know what he looked like when he got sleepy, turned on, amused, and distracted. I learned all of this before we had even been on a proper date because we met right before I went back to my town for a month and a half.
OTHERS. Even though it's not officially social media, instant messaging, texting, voice mail, and e-mailing is the saving grace of our relationship. Seriously. It has allowed us time to get to know each other. My favorite is when he instant messages me from work whenever he sits in on a class. It's an interesting running commentary. If only his students could see what he was typing. And we text when we're busy just to say hi. And I have a very intimate relationship with his voice mail. Interestingly, I've never checked to be sure that he actually checks his voicemail? That could come in handy in case I ever do leave a mutinous voice mail one day...CeCe
15 comments:
Love my blog...and love the fact that my man is also a blogger, but it has created some problems in that neither one of us have that "refuge" in which to work out our issues with relative anonymity. But on the other hand, it has helped us IMMENSELY with our communication.
I guess there's pluses and minuses to both.
Yes Skype is a great invention, one which I should more often since I have friends all over the world.
I blog, twitter, FB and twitter but my husband doesn't. No matter it doesn't stop me. But... he doesn't get it. Not like oh well he doesn't do it. We have had arguements.. him, "you on the computer still/again"... me. "so"
He likes fishing, I don't.. me, "you off fishing again,"
We do have things in common but out two biggest passions [other than the kids] we don't.
Will he ever get it? I don't know but I did used to fish and get why he does it.
I'm not sure that social media has Helped my relationship much... but I've been careful to not let it do us any harm.
ManOfTheHouse doesn't regularly read my blog - but his sisters do, and some of the men he sees at church do... and frankly - I find other ways to "vent"
Facebook? He doesn't have an account, doesn't really want one - and mine was started basically to keep tabs on our teenage kids and their FB activities. I DO have to make a conscious effort to limit my time on the computer though - or he starts feeling neglected :)
I was the one who got the FB account first. It was through the prodding and encouragement of her kids that made her take the leap. Now I keep hearing comments like "did you hear what so and so said", and I must admit that I did not (mostly due to the fact that I'm not on FB as much as she is), then have to scramble to see just what they said so that I don't feel out of the loop.
Congratulations on your first Guest post. Hope to hear more from you.
I think if it was a long distance relationship like yours then all of this stuff you mentioned would be beneficial. I am in the same boat as Vodka Logic... He doesn't understand why I like it so much.
Although I will admit I was on too much when I first blogged, but now I'm finally finding my happy medium I think.
But when we were dating? this stuff would have been fabulous because we were long distance.
I tend to stay off face book I only use it to respond not to put it out there personally. Texting though.... i did 4326 last month! i have 2 blackberries and no thumbs left
I'm pretty sure PT doesn't actually know I have a blog... And he doesn't know I no longer have a Facebook account. Because we're still new, he'd probably respond with, "spend your time how you'd like. Just be yourself." So I think it'd be fine. At least I hope, lol.
Doesn't that feel dishonest to anyone? To have a blog and not tell your significant other about it?
I almost wish my family didn't know about the blog it wouldn't restrict me... but twitter and FB and esp Skype would have been great 30 [sigh] years ago since my hubs and I dated long distance for 4 years.. maybe then he would understand now.
Momma Sunshine--I think with CeCe's case it's not really dishonest because it's early... according to her.
Everyone has their right to have their own thing. However, in my relationship, it wouldn't be okay to keep anything from my husband... to me it seems dishonest. But then again, I use to keep a journal that he didn't know about, until he did, (not that I kept it away from him on purpose, just never said anything about it) yet he wasn't allowed to read it, maybe some people that is what keeps them sane, to get everything out on their "blog" "journal" and they can vent about whatever, no holds bar... do you know what I mean?
But with my personal experience, I can't keep things from my husband it's impossible--I'm a trash can of information about myself and anybody when it comes to him... he's my go to guy, the one I vomit all my information to to unload it off my brain.
But I know a lot of people that like to have their own thing... maybe that is a blog for some people?
What do others think?
Heck, I'm in a long distance relationship, I get the whole, "doing my own thing" thing. I'm honestly just curious, in particular, about those people for whom blogging is a big part of their lives, and they choose to keep it from their spouse. It's just interesting to me.
When CBG and I were broken up for our 2-ish month break, I dated a few other people casually. I mentioned to a couple of them that I blogged, but that I wanted to keep it private. I think that one's partner should respect that request, but when you're in a serious committed relationship with someone, shouldn't honesty be one of the most important things?
Social media is a slippery slope in my house. We both are on Facebook all of the time. I blog, she sporadically blogs. I'm on Twitter, she is not. But we always have our noses in our laptops. Sometimes I think more so than with each other.
noticed your snazzy (oh soooo becoming my mother) button on Vodka Logic's site.
BLOGGING keeps us closer - physically. When he's watching SPORTS (golf, basketball, baseball, race cars, downhill, bike racing ...etc) I'm blogging. but we're next to each other in the bed, so its easy to remind him when my cocktail is empty.
HE's a NON communicator - thanks to my blogging community he's completely OFF THE HOOK. I talk/type to YOU now, he's become my piece of meat and cocktail pourer and yes, he brings home his share of bacon and walks the dog...
(hey, does "classy" mean we shouldn't say bad words?)
noticed your snazzy (oh soooo becoming my mother) button on Vodka Logic's site.
BLOGGING keeps us closer - physically. When he's watching SPORTS (golf, basketball, baseball, race cars, downhill, bike racing ...etc) I'm blogging. but we're next to each other in the bed, so its easy to remind him when my cocktail is empty.
HE's a NON communicator - thanks to my blogging community he's completely OFF THE HOOK. I talk/type to YOU now, he's become my piece of meat and cocktail pourer and yes, he brings home his share of bacon and walks the dog...
(hey, does "classy" mean we shouldn't say bad words?)
I'm not hiding that I have a blog, it just hasn't come up. If he knew I had one, he might read it, and then he'd know I have mutinous thoughts when he's busy, lol.
But I can certainly see how some people would be uncomfortable having that part of themselves hidden from their significant other. Perhaps I'll feel that way when PT becomes more significant.
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