Monday, April 13, 2009

Now we just "discuss"

I was thinking about this the other day how hubby and my fighting has changed since we were first married. 

I no longer throw forks (hee hee), and I don't yell as much. 

Um...ok I do like to yell still, but I've learned to curb my stubborness and not hold my anger forever. Hubby is a much cleaner fighter. When he's mad he just goes and chops wood for an hour. Or into his man cave (garage) to work on his cars. 

He also is almost always the first to say he is sorry. He probably takes the blame for most fights, even though I know that I was probably wrong, or just being grouchy. 

I have a hard time saying the actual words "I am sorry". I don't know why. Maybe I don't want to admit defeat? Could be. 

We are going on 13 years in July and I couldn't be happier with the choice I made. 

Sometimes things can get crazy, but at the end of the day, I know that he'll still love me and I can count on him always, for anything.


The Blonde Duck said...

You know what they say--keep the fights clean and the sex dirty!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I wish he could swallow is stubborn pride and say SORRY more...I think, sadly, most of the time it is me that is saying I'm sorry! :)

But I also can't remember to stay angry...and he goes Mountain Biking or Snowboarding to vent! :)

Missty said...

Great post Valerie. I think I have mellowed over time. lol Things that bothered me 10 or 15 years ago, really don't bother me now. And I have learned to say I am sorry faster and easier than long ago. Its not always best to win or be right. sometimes its best to just make up. kwim?

And Blonde Duck - I LOVE that saying!!!

valerie said...

Blonde Duck-lol funny saying!

Shelle-Sometimes that happens to me. The other day I really wanted to stay annoyed at him but after awhile I forgot. He did worm his way back to my good side though by going with me into the flooring store AND actually looking at stuff without acting bored.

Missty-I think I have mellowed out a lot also and have learned to pick my battles.

Unknown said...

See if you captured a guy you can throw stuff at, he's a keeper! BYW, has he learned to duck yet? :)
This is a great post about remembering that saying sorry is important. Even when you don't want to say sorry.

DGB said...

In my past relationships, I used to be a dirty fighter. Would manipulate the situation and emotions to tilt the field in my favor. However, my wife and I don't fight. We argue, but we, in 8 years of being together, have never had a drag down fight. I've found that I'm totally comfortable, willing and able to say "I'm sorry" when I'm wrong.

The only thing bad about this is that since we've never fought, we've never had made up sex.

Susan said...

My husband and I are both pretty good at apologizing... we both know when the other is pouting... and as usual, call each other out on it. Then we say sorry and make fun of each other! I'm lucky.

My ex NEVER said sorry. He'd scream, yell, slam doors, then wait an hour and THEN pretend like nothing EVER happened. It was worse than just pouting all day.

Mr. Anonymous said...

Great topic and a very vital one. Dr. Gotman form the University of Washington I believe, so don't hold me to it. Anyways, he did some research and came to the conclusion that one of the main reasons relationships fail is because people do not know how to resolve conflicts in healthy ways.

For the first part of my relationship with Mrs. Anonymous, I ended up clamming up and not talking, especially if I were upset. This would only compound the issue.

Fortunately, we were shown how to be able to resolve any issue we were having, in a healthy way and still be friends. While we were going through this learning experience it took alot of practice and PATIENCE. There was a skill to this and like any skill it takes practice. Now if either Mrs. Anonymous or myself have an issue to raise, we can come to each other and say "I have something I would like to discuss with you, is now a good time or would later be better." Then depending on the situation and what was going on at that moment, we would either discuss it now or set a time frame with in a 24 hour period to sit down and talk.

The key to that working is whoever needed to talk, had to make sure that they were in emotional control. Meaning, if I got upset over something, than I needed to wait until I was no longer upset, angry, annoyed, etc. Then we could sit down and discuss the facts of the events followed by why it was upsetting.

Now this is one particular way of resolving conflicts, I am sure there are others, but this one has worked extremely well for us.

The hard part is not allowing myself to slip back into old habits of my unproductive way of resloving conflicts.

I am just saying.....

Mr Anonymous

Melinda said...

Good topic! My husband and I don't really do the yelling/horrible fighting anymore, which is awesome! But my husband generally just gives in to what I'm saying, but I'm too stubborn to leave it at that, I have to make him open up and then we can really talk about whats wrong or whatever. Problem is, I always want to be right! ;) (No, I have no problems admitting when I'm wrong, you just have to prove me wrong! haha)

wendy said...

I love blonde duck!!! My husband and I are NOT good fighters. Neither one of us like conflict and so I guess you could say we "move into our quiet place". He is a second marriage for me (guys, you probably know this by now so why do I ALWAYS SAY IT) Anyway, I would avoid fights like the plague during the first 13 years of our marriage (which is coming up this June---) because It makes me afraid he'll leave me. Hmmmmmmm---insecurity perhaps.

valerie said...

Mr. A- Keeping what is wrong inside would have been me at the begining of our marriage and sometimes I find myself doing it at times now. I know it's important to get things out in the open when they are bothering you, but sometimes for me it can be hard. If I'm clamming up, then how can he help me solve the problem or even know that there is one? lol Maybe in the next ten years I can get it right!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I was going to make a comment but now I'm laughing too hard at what the Blonde Duck said.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

You all live in some kind of fantasy...honestly...sometimes fighting DIRTY is the ONLY way to survive!!!


Anjeny said...

I just love Blonde duck's comment....hmmmm, wonder how the guys feel about the dirty

Val, thanks for the post. It's that way in my marriage too, my hubby is the always the first one to say he's sorry even when I'm at fault, gets annoying sometimes but I'm glad he did it. Helps me get over my pride

TisforTonya said...

Shelle - I think our hubs have probably run into each other out there venting on their mountain bikes...

me, we "discussed" early on in the marriage... now we fight a little better - but only when he's wrong... :)

Pen Pen said...

:) this is interesting. I noticed that my significant other(of 8 years) and I fight differently now. I think that when we were first together, we didn't see motivations behind what we said to eachother, so we assumed that anything said was ill-intended. Now- We know the eachothers querks and can read into what is meant not just what is said.(example: He hates to have people sit next to him in a movie theatre-it's like a clausterphobia thing. At the beginning, he would say, 'I don't wanna sit there.' -and I'd be pissed cuz he never wanted to sit where I wanted-thought he was being selfish, and he didn't think to TELL me he was clausterphobic--now, I can see his face in any situation and can tell if he's feeling that way)
-and many different personalities fight in different ways--U should take the Meyers Briggs Personality test on-line- I posted a link to the test a few posts ago--It's very helpful in relationships :)