Friday, February 4, 2011

Some things I've learned the last 11 years.

Tomorrow marks the day of my 11th Anniversary and for some of you that might not seem so long, and for others you might say to yourself, "But SHELLE! You're way too young to have been married that long" and to you I say, "Yes. Yes I am", but it's still true nonetheless, 11 YEARS! There even may be some of you that say 11 years is a long time.  Wherever you fall concerning the amount of years matters none at all because I'm going to tell you what I want to tell you regardless.

Your. Welcome.

I can honestly tell you that I love my husband, obsessively so.  I still think he's hot so I still get turned on by things that he does.  He still makes me laugh.  I still care enough about him that he can make me extremely angry and that's partly because he knows me so well that he knows what will set me off. He gave me and helped me in creating the two things that matter the most to us, our children.

So 11 years.  At times it went really really slow, but mostly it has sped by.

And I thought I'd share some things I have learned that has helped in our marriage.

1.     Go to bed angry.  Seriously. Everyone tells you to "never go to bed angry" but I say, NAY, do go to bed angry, because most of the time, if you are like me, you'll wake up and realize that whatever you were mad about really isn't that big of a deal and you are in a better place to talk about it.  More calm.  And with as much reason as I can muster, I am an emotional based person after all.  Plus, if I'm ready to start a fight with my spouse at night, it's usually, or 90 percent of the time, just because I'm tired and easily irritated.

2.     Kiss your spouse once a day.  Like REALLY kiss them.  Not just a peck you reserve for your children or friends, but a really good, get it done-down and dirty-kiss.  But not before you've brushed your teeth or popped a breath mint.  What? My nose still works no matter how excited I am for a good smooch.

3.     We shower together often.  True story.  Not everyday mind you, but often.  For us a shower together may take a little longer, but it's that time we have together that we may have intimate moments, and because clean up and smell is a lot better in there!!! Just sayin.

4.    We take vacations together.  Just him and I.  Whether it be overnight or a few days.  Just him and I.  We discover things together that we have never done and we find time to talk with each other.  That can go bad sometimes because we might choose to talk about things that make us mad at each other, but most of the time it is good, and it's memories we create together.  The more memories, the more we bond and continue to get to know each other.  Plus those times it's just him and I, we try things we haven't tried before, and YES I mean in the bedroom, no worries of kids walking in, so we like to see what might spice it up for us.  It's fun.

5.    We also find time to go out, or try, at least once a week.  For our religion, sometimes that is to the temple.  Sometimes it's for a run to get ice cream.  Most of the time it's a movie we have wanted to watch that isn't kid friendly.

6.  We try to find one thing positive everyday to say about each other that we notice. Now that doesn't always happen, but we try, which is key.

7.  We fight, BUT and this is key, we forgive.  I see he forgives me and/or is working on it and he sees the same.  We also bicker like sister and brother... not sure if that is key or not, but we do, often.

8.  He makes sure I get out with the girls and I try to shove him out the door to get together with someone that isn't me.

9.  I let him have his thing he likes to do without me and he lets me have things I do without him.  But we also find things we like to do together, like cycling or I'll try mountain biking or snowboarding or hiking.  We both continue to like the sport of sex... so that helps that we have that one thing in common. ;)

10.  Our one rule since the beginning of marriage has been, "no bringing up things from the past once we have talked about them and agreed to let them go".  However hard that has been, we have stuck with that.  Well mostly, I am female after all.

11.  The "D" word is not allowed. Divorce.  We both agreed to forever and even sometimes we make fun by saying, "well that sucks, I'm stuck having to deal with that forever!" or "that was some fine print I wish I would have known about before I signed the dotted line on FOREVER!!!" but for him and I we make it a point to not add the D word for argument's sake or dramatic effect.  We don't want to allow that seed in to begin to nourish any  kind of growth at all. So far it has worked for us.

Every relationship is different.

But these things have worked for us.

Oh and love!  Love helps alot.  Love and lust... and well I like him also.

Yes, all those things help!

And to be honest... so does a lot of s.e.x.




Holly Diane said...

I love reading about other happy couples and what works for them! I've been married 10 years this year..only we've been seperated for the last four of those years. Our paths and wants changed along the way but we are still the best of friends and it makes life so much easier "liking" your spouse!

Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

Shelle, that was an awesome post!

Congrats on the 11 years of bliss.
I agree with EVERYTHING you said.
I guess I would add one thing:
Fight Naked.

We have never said the "D" word either. EVER.
We have had friends that would say that in casual conversation. "ya, we were gonna divorce over who drank the last gallon of milk" ....silly? Yes.
Divorced a few years later? Yes.

Happy Anniversary. You are a HAWT looking couple!

DCHY said...

I told my wife to never say the D word seriously unless she wants it. I said I would grant her the divorce on the spot even if she said it in the heat of an argument.

I have one rule for all special occasions (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.) - Be NICE, no bickering/sniping/arguing allowed.

Vodka Logic said...

Sounds like a great list. One change is I go on my own vacations from time to time.. very refreshing.

I definitely like the kissing.. thats a must.

You two are so cute.

Unknown said...

HA! You had me for a minute there. But then I read your last line and realized you guys aren't really married! Married 11 years and still have a lot of s.e.x. Whatever! :)

tiki_lady said...

Love it all. Way to keep it real

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Holly Diane--Welcome!!! So good to see a new face around here! See I love that you have remained best of friends... through the separation... and liking your significant other helps a bunch! lol

GOE_I seriously ALWAYS love your comments, I look forward to reading them each and every time! True story. Anyway... fighting naked... I'm going to have to start doing that. Our fights wouldn't last all that long--HEY! Now I see why that works!

DCHY--See that's good... it means the "d" word won't be thrown out there just for dramatic effect! Good rule on special occasions... we also try that, but we are human and sometimes my expectations turn out different than his and then it's on... but hasn't happened all that often...I'm just being real.

Vodka Logic--I've never been on a vacation ALL by myself, but I have gone on plenty without my guy. Do you go all by yourself? Maybe I should try that? Just even an overnight stay at a hotel or something?

Que--wait... isn't ANY sex, aLOT of sex in a marriage??? lol. Maybe we don't have tons of rabbit like sex, but we are normal I'd say... at least 5 times a week?

Is that TMI? Sorry.

Anyway... you made me spit out my granola bar with that comment!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Mother goose! You could totally write one of these... I know you and your man have awesome ideas on how to keep it spicy in a relationship!

GoodWill said...

That's SO awesome Chelle...congrats to you guys, and I hope my wife and I find that sort of balance and happiness as our life progresses as well!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Good Will-It's not a perfect system... but so far it has worked for us. I think being best friends helps a lot also!

3GKnight said...

Color me jealous. You two are lucky to have each other.

I'd like to emphasize #10. That's freakin' huge if you can pull it off. Guys are fairly good at the forgetting part of forgiving, and it irked me to no end that stuff I did wrong 4 years earlier always reared it's ugly head in our arguments.

Congrats Shelle! Here's to 60 or more blissful years for you and yours.

TisforTonya said...

awesome... we have a lot of the same rules - although I am too easily annoyed by small things and should probably work on that :)

if you've got a good thing goin' by all means don't mess with the status quo!

Snooty Primadona said...

I TOTALLY agree with going to bed angry. I tried the other way for years & it only made things worse, especially when all the hubby wanted to do was go to sleep. Glad I learned that lesson...

Every couple should have a *date night* even if you have small children. It's important to be able to speak adult language at least once a week.

All very great points & an excellent post!

wendy said...

I'd say you've learned some great things over the past 11 years.....should be enough to carry you over for the next 11....then you'll have learned more things....and that'll take you to the next 11 (you see where I am going with this)

showers together are great long as I get to be the one under the warm water.

Mindy said...

I finally caught up on blog had me laughing and remembering that first hilarious GNO! LOL Miss you :)

Becky Andrews said...

This is such an awesome list! Love it. We are at 26 + and think baths together are great fun, too :).

Vodka Logic said...

The vacations I took myself were just the traveling bit. I met up with gfs at the destination.

To go alone and be alone would be fine but not for an extended period

nitebyrd said...

Actually liking each other is good, too.

The list is too late for me but you've got some excellent points for those who do still like/love each other and want to keep it together.

April said...

What a great list, Shelle. You know, you're so right about going to bed angry. I told my fiance before I moved in that we could never go to bed angry. Coincidentally, on the rare occasion that we argue at night, and I go to bed angry, it's all forgotten about in the morning. And you're right, it's usually because I'm tired and cranky.

Two things to add to your list that I find to be necessities are trust and not being jealous.

Papa K said...

We're currently in the market for a new house.

One thing we're looking for: a bigger shower.

~j. said...

Yay! Great post, Shelle! And happy anniversary!