Two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to elicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!
Topic: Open Marriage
She Said (Gucci Mama):
I'm a pretty smart girl. I mean, let's just face it; I'm brilliant. But, and this may surprise some of you, there are some things I just don't understand. One of those things is this concept of "open marriage". It seems there are many couples who just, ah, have sex with other people! Sometimes while everyone is right there in the room. Is it naive that this shocks me? I just have no frame of reference for this kind of thing. I can't imagine.
Maybe it's that I've been devastated in the past by infidelity. Maybe it's because it's my hopelessly romantic (in clear spite of my real world experience) belief that sex between a man and his wife is about more than physical pleasure. It's about connection and intimacy and expressing love that is saved for just one person. I don't understand, if one is in a relationship that is connected and intimate and full of love - as most people open marriages say they are - then why look elsewhere?
I have other questions. Some are just logistical, like, how does one go about finding other couples who want to participate? It seems the potential for rejection and humiliation and maybe even being ostracized is pretty significant. I wonder if anyone ever gets jealous, seeing or knowing about their spouse with another person. And then, what about the kids, if there are any? Do they know about the lifestyle and if so, what does that teach them about the value of commitment and love and the sanctity of marriage?
I just don't get it. Splain it, NV, baby.
He Said (Nolens Volens):
Not trying to be a smart-ass here, but I wanted to get the definition of what the phrase "open marriage" means so I can 'splain better.
As seen on Miriam Webster online, the definition is "a marriage in which the partners agree to let each other have sexual partners outside the marriage" and MW lists the first appearance of that phrase in print as early as 1971. That's clearly different than being a swinger - definition of "swinger" on MW is "one who engages freely in sex". That word has been around since 1543.
How is that different? The concept of open marriage is that the partners have to get approval first before having sex with someone. Swingers tend to go together and they tend to do whatever they feel comfortable doing. I'm also saying that it's not always the case with every swinger or with open marriages.
I must confess that I am not a typical swinger or participant of an open marriage. I would say that ours is more of a part-time open marriage. We do not play with others without expressed permission by either one of us. We may have people who would love to play with either me, my wife, or both of us, but we do not cross the line.
For my wife and me, this is a marriage enhancer. We've been together almost 12 years, 10 married, and we're much more physically in-tune with each other now and emotionally bonded than we were before. Would we have become so bonded without opening our marriage? Perhaps. We'll never know.
There are no feelings of jealousy or rejection because this is a mutual arrangement. We enjoy sex SO much (and my wife is bisexual) that we want to share it with others. We don't have sex with just anybody, either. She and I have developed a very long list of rules over the years for our partners and we follow them, to a T, no matter what.
As for my wife, she has told me that our intimacy is just as sacred now as it's ever been. The idea of saving yourself for just one person is still an idea we hold dear, we just chose to express it differently. My wife's not as passionate with others as she is with me, her emotions aren't the same, she's not as free with her body and her desires as she is when there are just us 2. It's the same for me. I can't ever look at or have sex with anyone else the same way as I do with my wife.
How's that as an explanation? ;)
Okay... comment away!
Showing posts with label NV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NV. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
He Said She Said: Should your Significant Other know?
Two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to elicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!
TOPIC: What my significant other doesn't know, won't hurt them. You agree with this or not? Should your significant other know?
Shelle Edit: I have needed to add this to the He Said She Said before this week, but have always forgotten for one reason or another. This blog is for ANYONE that would like to blog about their relationship(s) no matter how closed or open they would like to be. This week the He Said She Said topic was on "what they don't know won't hurt them". So I feel like I need to preface this one with a Disclaimer ;) -- The opinions expressed here are the views of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Real World Venus vs. Mars owners.
She Said: Heels N Stockings
I've been with my husband for 21 years and for most part, I have been faithful, but the intimacy in our relationship is gone despite my vast attempts to entice and encourage him. I've asked him to go to the marriage counseling and he won't. I've dressed up in lingerie to help put him in the mood and I was laughed at for the effort.
We haven't had sex for over a year now and before then, the frequency of sex was sparse and mostly one-sided; he was done and off me before I could get anything out of it. I got so tired and sick of the hurt that came from constantly having to ask for him to touch or kiss me. I gave him an ultimatum - that either he paid intimate and emotional attention to me or the marriage was over. He chose not to take me seriously.
A few years ago I had an affair. It wasn't something I had planned...but it was amazing because someone actually wanted me. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Since then, I've enjoyed other affairs.
I do not seek a new partner. I do not wish to introduce a new person to my children because their lives are at such a key stage of growing up. But I came to realization some years ago - I had lost myself. When I am with my lover, I am me. They hold me, they see me, they listen to me. It keeps me smiling and make me have a feeling of self worth. I feel whole again.
Yes, I could leave him and divorce him...but the fact is I can't afford to. I am the major earner in the house, he lost his job some time ago and has a low paying job while he is looking for something better. Separation would bring financial pain and would effect the children.
I don't tell him as I don't want the status quo for the children to change. It won't hurt the kids if he doesn't know. So, I lie to him.
He Said: Nolens Volens
My wife and I have been together almost 12 years now; married for 10 years next month. We learned from each other that it is important to each other that we make the choices together. We made a promise that we would tell each other everything. I don't mean EVERYTHING. Sure, I tell her little white lies and I am sure she has done the same to me.
What we have not done is violate that promise. When I find a woman that I would like to get to "know better", I let my wife know about her. Why do we play with others when we are deeply committed to each other? My wife dropped a bombshell on me about 11 years ago when she confessed to me that she was bi-curious (now openly bisexual). When my wife finds a woman that she would love to have in her bed, she tells me about her. We do not have an open marriage because that infers we have our "play time" with others...on our own. No, we play with others...together.
We have had sexual relations with other people since we got married and we are still faithful to each other - by that, I mean we have never had any sexual relation with another person without each other's knowledge and consent. We agreed that we would get divorced if either one of us cheated.
I am not making excuses for HnS, but I certainly understand why she does what she does. Would I do the same thing if I ever find myself in the same situation like HnS did? I can't say "No" without any doubt in my mind, but I think that I would tell my wife.
Do you feel that sometimes what your significant other doesn't KNOW doesn't HURT them? Or does sometimes knowing still hurt them? Should the significant other know or not?
TOPIC: What my significant other doesn't know, won't hurt them. You agree with this or not? Should your significant other know?
Shelle Edit: I have needed to add this to the He Said She Said before this week, but have always forgotten for one reason or another. This blog is for ANYONE that would like to blog about their relationship(s) no matter how closed or open they would like to be. This week the He Said She Said topic was on "what they don't know won't hurt them". So I feel like I need to preface this one with a Disclaimer ;) -- The opinions expressed here are the views of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Real World Venus vs. Mars owners.
She Said: Heels N Stockings
I've been with my husband for 21 years and for most part, I have been faithful, but the intimacy in our relationship is gone despite my vast attempts to entice and encourage him. I've asked him to go to the marriage counseling and he won't. I've dressed up in lingerie to help put him in the mood and I was laughed at for the effort.
We haven't had sex for over a year now and before then, the frequency of sex was sparse and mostly one-sided; he was done and off me before I could get anything out of it. I got so tired and sick of the hurt that came from constantly having to ask for him to touch or kiss me. I gave him an ultimatum - that either he paid intimate and emotional attention to me or the marriage was over. He chose not to take me seriously.
A few years ago I had an affair. It wasn't something I had planned...but it was amazing because someone actually wanted me. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Since then, I've enjoyed other affairs.
I do not seek a new partner. I do not wish to introduce a new person to my children because their lives are at such a key stage of growing up. But I came to realization some years ago - I had lost myself. When I am with my lover, I am me. They hold me, they see me, they listen to me. It keeps me smiling and make me have a feeling of self worth. I feel whole again.
Yes, I could leave him and divorce him...but the fact is I can't afford to. I am the major earner in the house, he lost his job some time ago and has a low paying job while he is looking for something better. Separation would bring financial pain and would effect the children.
I don't tell him as I don't want the status quo for the children to change. It won't hurt the kids if he doesn't know. So, I lie to him.
He Said: Nolens Volens
My wife and I have been together almost 12 years now; married for 10 years next month. We learned from each other that it is important to each other that we make the choices together. We made a promise that we would tell each other everything. I don't mean EVERYTHING. Sure, I tell her little white lies and I am sure she has done the same to me.
What we have not done is violate that promise. When I find a woman that I would like to get to "know better", I let my wife know about her. Why do we play with others when we are deeply committed to each other? My wife dropped a bombshell on me about 11 years ago when she confessed to me that she was bi-curious (now openly bisexual). When my wife finds a woman that she would love to have in her bed, she tells me about her. We do not have an open marriage because that infers we have our "play time" with others...on our own. No, we play with others...together.
We have had sexual relations with other people since we got married and we are still faithful to each other - by that, I mean we have never had any sexual relation with another person without each other's knowledge and consent. We agreed that we would get divorced if either one of us cheated.
I am not making excuses for HnS, but I certainly understand why she does what she does. Would I do the same thing if I ever find myself in the same situation like HnS did? I can't say "No" without any doubt in my mind, but I think that I would tell my wife.
Do you feel that sometimes what your significant other doesn't KNOW doesn't HURT them? Or does sometimes knowing still hurt them? Should the significant other know or not?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Disability & the relationships by Nolens Volens
This post is about people having successful relationships while dealing with their own disabilities. Shelle asked me to write this post because she knew that I would be the perfect guest blogger.
How can I be the perfect guest blogger? That's because I have a disability, and you wouldn't be able to tell what kind of disability I have unless I tell you or you talk to me in person. If you're smart, you'll have figured out by now that I am...deaf. Shocker, I know. LOL
People have asked either one of us how we could possibly maintain a successful relationship when it's widely known that the divorce rate for deaf/hearing spouses (my wife is hearing) is so much higher than the rate for those who are both hearing. My answer to that is "honesty and open communication".
I am pretty sure that the first thing that popped in your head upon reading the word "communication" is "How when he's deaf?" and that is quite understandable. This happens to me more often than you realize. Sure, it is very handy (if you'll pardon the pun) that my wife is fluent in sign language and is an interpreter. ;) However, that is not the point - she and I have always told each other exactly how we feel about anything without any fear or hesitation.
The second key to a successful relationship is remembering that I have been able to function in the world by myself. My wife, in the beginning, tried to "help" me by acting as my interpreter and I would gently remind her that I have coped successfully for 30 years...before meeting her. It can be too easy to rely on my wife to act as a liaison between me and the world. I only ask her for help when it is absolutely necessary.
The third key is respect. Without mutual respect for each other, we would be fighting about everything and nothing. We barely fight and when we do fight, it is always brief because we adhere to the "no kitchen sink" rule. Let me explain that rule with an example. You're arguing with your spouse about who should be doing the dishes when you bring up the chore of taking out the trash. You've violated the rule by going off the subject...which was about doing the dishes and taking out the trash has nothing to do with that. By saying "what does that have to do with what we are talking about?", you return to the subject at hand.
You know what's funny? All the key points I touched on in the post above...applies equally to every couple, even if both do not have any form of disability. This applies to friendships as well.
I love my wife very much, even if she frustrates me some of the time. Oh, I am positive that I drive her crazy too. Remembering the rules is our secret to a successful relationship. If I feel that she hasn't been listening to me, I will let her know. Relationships are just like streets - they work both ways. ;)
If you are very curious about me and you would like to learn more about me, please feel free to visit me at my new blog and ask me questions in there. My identity there will not be Nolens Volens, so I would like to ask all of you to respect my desire to keep both NV and DCHY identities separate.
How can I be the perfect guest blogger? That's because I have a disability, and you wouldn't be able to tell what kind of disability I have unless I tell you or you talk to me in person. If you're smart, you'll have figured out by now that I am...deaf. Shocker, I know. LOL
People have asked either one of us how we could possibly maintain a successful relationship when it's widely known that the divorce rate for deaf/hearing spouses (my wife is hearing) is so much higher than the rate for those who are both hearing. My answer to that is "honesty and open communication".
I am pretty sure that the first thing that popped in your head upon reading the word "communication" is "How when he's deaf?" and that is quite understandable. This happens to me more often than you realize. Sure, it is very handy (if you'll pardon the pun) that my wife is fluent in sign language and is an interpreter. ;) However, that is not the point - she and I have always told each other exactly how we feel about anything without any fear or hesitation.
The second key to a successful relationship is remembering that I have been able to function in the world by myself. My wife, in the beginning, tried to "help" me by acting as my interpreter and I would gently remind her that I have coped successfully for 30 years...before meeting her. It can be too easy to rely on my wife to act as a liaison between me and the world. I only ask her for help when it is absolutely necessary.
The third key is respect. Without mutual respect for each other, we would be fighting about everything and nothing. We barely fight and when we do fight, it is always brief because we adhere to the "no kitchen sink" rule. Let me explain that rule with an example. You're arguing with your spouse about who should be doing the dishes when you bring up the chore of taking out the trash. You've violated the rule by going off the subject...which was about doing the dishes and taking out the trash has nothing to do with that. By saying "what does that have to do with what we are talking about?", you return to the subject at hand.
You know what's funny? All the key points I touched on in the post above...applies equally to every couple, even if both do not have any form of disability. This applies to friendships as well.
I love my wife very much, even if she frustrates me some of the time. Oh, I am positive that I drive her crazy too. Remembering the rules is our secret to a successful relationship. If I feel that she hasn't been listening to me, I will let her know. Relationships are just like streets - they work both ways. ;)
If you are very curious about me and you would like to learn more about me, please feel free to visit me at my new blog and ask me questions in there. My identity there will not be Nolens Volens, so I would like to ask all of you to respect my desire to keep both NV and DCHY identities separate.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Spouse: Overly positive or negative?
When I informed my wife of my impending post, she hung her head in shame.
I grinned at the act of her lowering her head because she wanted to avoid my steady and unblinking gaze. We both knew right away who was who.
My wife is the negative one. I am the positive one. We balance each other out.
There have been days where she has had a bad start in the morning. It gets hard for her. She can go into a downward spiral. Sometimes, she will crash 'n' burn and she just hates it when that happens.
When I have a bad start, I relax and focus on the positive. Sometimes, I will talk to someone and that does the job. My wife has asked me how the hell I can find my center so easily. I've told her that it comes to me naturally. Sure, I will go into a downward spiral but that is rare.
There have been times when my wife's negativity overwhelms me. No matter how hard I try to stay positive, I will lose to that once in a while. Granted, I don't like "losing" but the latest defeat is that...a temporary setback. I know she will appreciate what I tried to do for her. She has admitted that she couldn't have made it through some days without my support. We complement each other because it takes teamwork to make that happen.
I absolutely love teamwork. If you asked me to play a game with you, I will always answer with "Can we be on the same team?" You will always hear from me things like "Good job!" or "That was great!". I can engage in trash talk on a friendly term. Sometimes after my wife and I have said all the things we needed to say during a fight, I will say something out of the blue just to lighten up the mood. That always gets her and we are good once again. Nothing like teamwork.
Can a spouse be overly positive or negative? Yes. What can we do about that? We show support. What if support isn't enough? Use the teamwork - work with your spouse to find the common ground/goal. What if all of that doesn't work? You've stayed with your spouse all this time and there has to be a reason for that, so use humor and love.
Psst...did you see what I did? How I wrote this post? The style of writing? Didn't you notice that each subsequent paragraph had one sentence more than the previous one? Go ahead...scroll back and count. I won't be offended. I had an idea and I felt positive that I could do it. I achieved what I set out to do. See how positivity can prevail in the odds of adversity?
I grinned at the act of her lowering her head because she wanted to avoid my steady and unblinking gaze. We both knew right away who was who.
My wife is the negative one. I am the positive one. We balance each other out.
There have been days where she has had a bad start in the morning. It gets hard for her. She can go into a downward spiral. Sometimes, she will crash 'n' burn and she just hates it when that happens.
When I have a bad start, I relax and focus on the positive. Sometimes, I will talk to someone and that does the job. My wife has asked me how the hell I can find my center so easily. I've told her that it comes to me naturally. Sure, I will go into a downward spiral but that is rare.
There have been times when my wife's negativity overwhelms me. No matter how hard I try to stay positive, I will lose to that once in a while. Granted, I don't like "losing" but the latest defeat is that...a temporary setback. I know she will appreciate what I tried to do for her. She has admitted that she couldn't have made it through some days without my support. We complement each other because it takes teamwork to make that happen.
I absolutely love teamwork. If you asked me to play a game with you, I will always answer with "Can we be on the same team?" You will always hear from me things like "Good job!" or "That was great!". I can engage in trash talk on a friendly term. Sometimes after my wife and I have said all the things we needed to say during a fight, I will say something out of the blue just to lighten up the mood. That always gets her and we are good once again. Nothing like teamwork.
Can a spouse be overly positive or negative? Yes. What can we do about that? We show support. What if support isn't enough? Use the teamwork - work with your spouse to find the common ground/goal. What if all of that doesn't work? You've stayed with your spouse all this time and there has to be a reason for that, so use humor and love.
Psst...did you see what I did? How I wrote this post? The style of writing? Didn't you notice that each subsequent paragraph had one sentence more than the previous one? Go ahead...scroll back and count. I won't be offended. I had an idea and I felt positive that I could do it. I achieved what I set out to do. See how positivity can prevail in the odds of adversity?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Rantings of an Organizationally Starved Spouse
Domestically Disturbed took a turn at this theme of "Who loses stuff, who finds stuff" yesterday...and today, it is my turn.
I am a creature of habit...only out of necessity. I'll readily admit that I have a touch of OCD...where I like things neat and tidy...like I'll push in all the DVDs on a bookshelf at a library so nothing juts out...or stack up the spelling blocks on my daughter's wagon...or line up the kleenex boxes at a grocery store...but...I am a creature of habit because of three concussions I've had, which has effectively turned the memory part of my brain into a swiss cheese.
With a swiss cheese for a brain, I cannot explain why I will always remember where I parked my car every time and yet not remember where I put my glasses, my pager, my shoes, my head, my socks, whatnot just a minute ago. I like being neat so I can find my things every time. To my mind, a mess of any kind is a disorganized state where things are not yet put away and that "clutters" my mind.
My wife is a slob. She trashes her side of our bedroom. She discards whatever isn't needed/used in both her car and my car instead of in a trashcan. She doesn't take time to throw things away which drives me nuts because I can't stand the sight of a mess and I keep my side of our bedroom neat...and my car tidy when she isn't using it regularly.
With that picture of we each live clearly painted in your mind, you can truly appreciate how the ultimate irony comes into play with my wife and I. I cannot remember where I put my keys if I don't put them in the same place over and over, but she expects me to know where her keys are every time she loses them. I cannot find my own ass even with the neon flashing arrows pointing right at it. She cannot find things she needs because there's too much crap all over the place for her to find it.
How do we deal with this? This is where our weaknesses and strengths compliment each other. Because of my OCD, I have an eye for details and I see things that people overlook or they don't "connect the dots". When my wife is unable to figure out the location of what she needs/wants, she comes to me for an answer based on my observation skills. Strangely, I never can find what I am looking for...even inside a fridge...and I have come to rely on my wife.
Why can't I find anything? My mind is too busy dealing with how things aren't in their places and cannot locate whatever I am looking for, even if it is right in front of me. Since she doesn't have OCD, she is able to look past the "disorganized state" and find what I cannot seem to see. You have no idea how often I have heard her say "It was right there, in front of you!"
Her mess drives me nuts...my attempts to keep things straight drives her nuts...and yet, we cannot function without each other.
I am a creature of habit...only out of necessity. I'll readily admit that I have a touch of OCD...where I like things neat and tidy...like I'll push in all the DVDs on a bookshelf at a library so nothing juts out...or stack up the spelling blocks on my daughter's wagon...or line up the kleenex boxes at a grocery store...but...I am a creature of habit because of three concussions I've had, which has effectively turned the memory part of my brain into a swiss cheese.
With a swiss cheese for a brain, I cannot explain why I will always remember where I parked my car every time and yet not remember where I put my glasses, my pager, my shoes, my head, my socks, whatnot just a minute ago. I like being neat so I can find my things every time. To my mind, a mess of any kind is a disorganized state where things are not yet put away and that "clutters" my mind.
My wife is a slob. She trashes her side of our bedroom. She discards whatever isn't needed/used in both her car and my car instead of in a trashcan. She doesn't take time to throw things away which drives me nuts because I can't stand the sight of a mess and I keep my side of our bedroom neat...and my car tidy when she isn't using it regularly.
With that picture of we each live clearly painted in your mind, you can truly appreciate how the ultimate irony comes into play with my wife and I. I cannot remember where I put my keys if I don't put them in the same place over and over, but she expects me to know where her keys are every time she loses them. I cannot find my own ass even with the neon flashing arrows pointing right at it. She cannot find things she needs because there's too much crap all over the place for her to find it.
How do we deal with this? This is where our weaknesses and strengths compliment each other. Because of my OCD, I have an eye for details and I see things that people overlook or they don't "connect the dots". When my wife is unable to figure out the location of what she needs/wants, she comes to me for an answer based on my observation skills. Strangely, I never can find what I am looking for...even inside a fridge...and I have come to rely on my wife.
Why can't I find anything? My mind is too busy dealing with how things aren't in their places and cannot locate whatever I am looking for, even if it is right in front of me. Since she doesn't have OCD, she is able to look past the "disorganized state" and find what I cannot seem to see. You have no idea how often I have heard her say "It was right there, in front of you!"
Her mess drives me nuts...my attempts to keep things straight drives her nuts...and yet, we cannot function without each other.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Growing old with your spouse
With the divorce rate hovering at 50%, it seems to me that the concept of growing old with your spouse is in danger of going the way of the dinosaurs. What is appealing about growing old with your spouse? Your spouse would:
1) know every little quirk of yours
2) tolerate them
3) know how to "take care" of your order at a restaurant when you cannot order for yourself
4) comfort you when you are sick
5) know where it feels "good" to you when touching you
6) support and/or attend your interests/hobbies
7) be in tune with you, emotionally and physically
I could go on and on but I know that you all have experienced this. Your spouse is, at the minimum, your friend. Ideally, your spouse is your best friend. You have shared your secrets and fears with your spouse and you both are still together after all that. That's what I love about my wife and I do my best to do the same things for her as she has done for me. Reviewing this list has made me realize how much I appreciate her and...
I better tell her now. :)
1) know every little quirk of yours
2) tolerate them
3) know how to "take care" of your order at a restaurant when you cannot order for yourself
4) comfort you when you are sick
5) know where it feels "good" to you when touching you
6) support and/or attend your interests/hobbies
7) be in tune with you, emotionally and physically
I could go on and on but I know that you all have experienced this. Your spouse is, at the minimum, your friend. Ideally, your spouse is your best friend. You have shared your secrets and fears with your spouse and you both are still together after all that. That's what I love about my wife and I do my best to do the same things for her as she has done for me. Reviewing this list has made me realize how much I appreciate her and...
I better tell her now. :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
My spouse is jealous of my best friend because...
...she often feels like she isn't really part of this relationship I have with my best friend. You know how that is...you met your best friend years before you met your spouse. I can tell that you're nodding at this, but my case is unique in 3 ways: 1) I met my best friend after I met my wife, 2) my best friend is female, and 3) my wife is my other best friend. When you think about it, that means my wife is jealous of herself. Hehe.
Let's look at this from my perspective. Why is my best friend female (or in this case, 2 best friends)? I believe it has something to do with my upbringing in a post-divorce family. After my mom got divorced, a family moved in with us. A family of 3. It just happened that I was the only male in the house, surrounded by 5 females, 3 of which were in my age range. Because of this unique experience, my learning curve was accelerated and I believe I have a deeper understanding of the female perspective.
With this understanding, I feel I'm better in touch with my feminine side and I'm better able to relate to women. It may be because of the whole "nature vs. nurture" theory that women tend to be the caregivers and more nurturing than men. Who knows? I just know I'm better equipped at dealing with the nuances of the female psyche than the average male.
With my female friends, I know I can fully engage myself in an in-depth conversation, where both parties equally express and receive the information shared. I find it equally incongruent that there can be sexual tension or the complete lack thereof when discussing sex with a female friend. I'm not saying that I seek out discussions of a sexual nature with female friends or try to have sex with them (maybe, maybe not LOL), though I won't shy away from them, especially if they need somebody to listen to their frustrations or issues.
I find it amusing that my wife gets jealous...and it's not only because of my friends' gender, but she simply wants more time with me. It is possible that I enjoy talking to my female friends while my wife is at work because it helps fill the void of her absence. Maybe not. I've assured my wife that I'm simply enjoying time with my "girl friends". Of course, my wife looks forward to our pillow talk time. LOL
Let's look at this from my perspective. Why is my best friend female (or in this case, 2 best friends)? I believe it has something to do with my upbringing in a post-divorce family. After my mom got divorced, a family moved in with us. A family of 3. It just happened that I was the only male in the house, surrounded by 5 females, 3 of which were in my age range. Because of this unique experience, my learning curve was accelerated and I believe I have a deeper understanding of the female perspective.
With this understanding, I feel I'm better in touch with my feminine side and I'm better able to relate to women. It may be because of the whole "nature vs. nurture" theory that women tend to be the caregivers and more nurturing than men. Who knows? I just know I'm better equipped at dealing with the nuances of the female psyche than the average male.
With my female friends, I know I can fully engage myself in an in-depth conversation, where both parties equally express and receive the information shared. I find it equally incongruent that there can be sexual tension or the complete lack thereof when discussing sex with a female friend. I'm not saying that I seek out discussions of a sexual nature with female friends or try to have sex with them (maybe, maybe not LOL), though I won't shy away from them, especially if they need somebody to listen to their frustrations or issues.
I find it amusing that my wife gets jealous...and it's not only because of my friends' gender, but she simply wants more time with me. It is possible that I enjoy talking to my female friends while my wife is at work because it helps fill the void of her absence. Maybe not. I've assured my wife that I'm simply enjoying time with my "girl friends". Of course, my wife looks forward to our pillow talk time. LOL
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Group Therapy - SAHPs unite!
I have been a slacker. I have been a worker bee. I have followed. I have led. I have done what I was told to do. I have ordered people to do things against their will. I have done nothing. I have done everything. In between of all that...is me, a man who has worked and lost his job.
I have had extremely stressful jobs and I have had jobs that seemed like I was in paradise. All of that in which I experienced with previous jobs pales in comparison to my current...profession...that I am in, but I can say that what I have learned is not, and never can be, applicable to what I do now.
I am primarily responsible for just one other person for a good portion of the day - from 8 am until about 3 pm and then I am responsible an additional person...sometimes 2. That is when I pick up my older daughter from school, and sometimes I will pick up my wife's best friend's son. The person I spoke of earlier is my younger daughter.
My daughters are literally night and day in terms of personality and how they handle stress/situations. The older one is laid-back but studious and voracious with reading and TV. The younger one is strong-willed and extremely resourceful. Where my older fears to tread, my younger will jump in without any hesitation.
Why am I talking about all of this? How does all this factor into this post? Here's the salient point - what I have learned in all of the jobs I've worked, on all of the committees I've served, and with all the politics of clubs' board of directors is totally useless in the domestic management world.
I can talk about the gender switching ramifications but I'll leave that to others. I can talk about the difficult transition as a man but I'll leave that to others. I can talk about emotional conflicts but I'll leave that to others. What I want to focus on instead is the dynamics of a family with a male SAHP (Stay At Home Parent)...right down to the youngest member.
My younger has learned what "Just a minute" means and when it doesn't...and she is not even 3 years old. When she has ascertained which one I meant, she will harass me until I do what she wants. No, I am not wrapped around her finger. LOL My older has understood what has happened and she has not felt weird or uncomfortable with the change.
However, my wife has chafed at her current role as the breadwinner because she would rather be home and do occasional job assignments when needed. She had that before I lost my job. She made the transition to a full time job and I've never felt threatened or emasculated by her salary.
The dynamics has changed. I used to come home from work and unload. I used to have few hobbies/addictions. I used to do some chores around the house after coming home from work and not complain...much. I used to rely on my wife for additional data whenever my girls talked to me about their day. Not the case anymore.
How else has the dynamics changed? Now, I am happy when my wife comes home so I can shift the burden of domestic management back on her...just like she used to do to me. Naturally, this has created some tension between the two of us because she has forgotten what it was like when she was the SAHP and she just wants to see her girls. I have reminded her on numerous occasions that I used to look forward to seeing my girls when I had a full time as well so I fully understood how she feels.
I have this saying when a tough hand is dealt to someone (or even me) - "Life is a bitch...and she has sisters." ;) Well, there is another saying that fits well here - "Life is how well you play your hand as dealt to you."
I have illustrated how the dynamics has changed when people have to reverse their roles...I would like to hear from you what you think about the dynamics.
I have had extremely stressful jobs and I have had jobs that seemed like I was in paradise. All of that in which I experienced with previous jobs pales in comparison to my current...profession...that I am in, but I can say that what I have learned is not, and never can be, applicable to what I do now.
I am primarily responsible for just one other person for a good portion of the day - from 8 am until about 3 pm and then I am responsible an additional person...sometimes 2. That is when I pick up my older daughter from school, and sometimes I will pick up my wife's best friend's son. The person I spoke of earlier is my younger daughter.
My daughters are literally night and day in terms of personality and how they handle stress/situations. The older one is laid-back but studious and voracious with reading and TV. The younger one is strong-willed and extremely resourceful. Where my older fears to tread, my younger will jump in without any hesitation.
Why am I talking about all of this? How does all this factor into this post? Here's the salient point - what I have learned in all of the jobs I've worked, on all of the committees I've served, and with all the politics of clubs' board of directors is totally useless in the domestic management world.
I can talk about the gender switching ramifications but I'll leave that to others. I can talk about the difficult transition as a man but I'll leave that to others. I can talk about emotional conflicts but I'll leave that to others. What I want to focus on instead is the dynamics of a family with a male SAHP (Stay At Home Parent)...right down to the youngest member.
My younger has learned what "Just a minute" means and when it doesn't...and she is not even 3 years old. When she has ascertained which one I meant, she will harass me until I do what she wants. No, I am not wrapped around her finger. LOL My older has understood what has happened and she has not felt weird or uncomfortable with the change.
However, my wife has chafed at her current role as the breadwinner because she would rather be home and do occasional job assignments when needed. She had that before I lost my job. She made the transition to a full time job and I've never felt threatened or emasculated by her salary.
The dynamics has changed. I used to come home from work and unload. I used to have few hobbies/addictions. I used to do some chores around the house after coming home from work and not complain...much. I used to rely on my wife for additional data whenever my girls talked to me about their day. Not the case anymore.
How else has the dynamics changed? Now, I am happy when my wife comes home so I can shift the burden of domestic management back on her...just like she used to do to me. Naturally, this has created some tension between the two of us because she has forgotten what it was like when she was the SAHP and she just wants to see her girls. I have reminded her on numerous occasions that I used to look forward to seeing my girls when I had a full time as well so I fully understood how she feels.
I have this saying when a tough hand is dealt to someone (or even me) - "Life is a bitch...and she has sisters." ;) Well, there is another saying that fits well here - "Life is how well you play your hand as dealt to you."
I have illustrated how the dynamics has changed when people have to reverse their roles...I would like to hear from you what you think about the dynamics.
Also after reading this I wanted to ask you guys. How do you feel about NV unloading the "domestic management" back onto his wife? Fair or Unfair?--SHELLE
NV
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
11 years...and still nothing to that at all
It's funny how life can be...fleeting...or fickle...or temperamental...or unblinkingly brutal - and yet you'd get down on your knees, no matter how messed up they are, and thank life (or whatever you believe in) for giving you a shot at happiness.
Before I met my wife in 1998, I was never able to maintain a relationship for more than few months at any time. Why couldn't I? Nothing seemed "comfortable" to me every time I ventured out into the tricky domain of dating and relationships. After a while, I was beginning to think that maybe I was the one with commitment issues.
When I met my wife the first time, nothing happened. No lightning bolt. No magic. No love at first sight. The Earth didn't crack. She was someone's girlfriend and I wasn't the type to mess around. I didn't really get to talk to her - just the introduction and I just moved on. Came across her in a bar few months later and I found out that she was single.
I came over to her, basically ignoring her friends with nothing more than a cursory greeting to each, and introduced myself. She smiled and said, "I remember who you are." That did stop me in my tracks and she had my attention. I chatted up with her a little and found out that she lived just 5 miles from where I participate in a dart league on Wednesdays. So, I asked her out and I gave her every chance to back out because this is a dart league but she kept assuring me that she would be happy to watch me compete.
She showed up like she said she would. After chatting with her for a while, I learned that the opposing team had not shown up and had to forfeit. This meant that I had more time to talk with her and boy, did I talk and talk and talk with her. The bar owner came by our table and informed us that it was time to close. That surprised me because I had lost track of time, so I turned to her and asked "Since everything else is closed for the night, what do we do?" She suggested that we go to her house and talk some more.
I finally left her house at 6:30 am, having chatted with her 11 hours straight and we agreed that I wouldn't return tonight or the next day so we each could spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our loved ones. I came to her house at 7 pm on the 26th and left her house at 8:30 am the next day, having chatted with her for over 13 hours. That's mind-boggling 24 hours total on TWO dates.
She ended up moving in with me just 3 months later and proposed to me 2 months after that. I asked her about her "I remember you" remark few years later and she told me that when she met me the first time, she mentally took note of this tall guy with glasses because she found me to be very interesting. She had been curious about me ever since then.
We celebrate December 23rd every year as the date we started our lives together...and she is still curious about me.
Before I met my wife in 1998, I was never able to maintain a relationship for more than few months at any time. Why couldn't I? Nothing seemed "comfortable" to me every time I ventured out into the tricky domain of dating and relationships. After a while, I was beginning to think that maybe I was the one with commitment issues.
When I met my wife the first time, nothing happened. No lightning bolt. No magic. No love at first sight. The Earth didn't crack. She was someone's girlfriend and I wasn't the type to mess around. I didn't really get to talk to her - just the introduction and I just moved on. Came across her in a bar few months later and I found out that she was single.
I came over to her, basically ignoring her friends with nothing more than a cursory greeting to each, and introduced myself. She smiled and said, "I remember who you are." That did stop me in my tracks and she had my attention. I chatted up with her a little and found out that she lived just 5 miles from where I participate in a dart league on Wednesdays. So, I asked her out and I gave her every chance to back out because this is a dart league but she kept assuring me that she would be happy to watch me compete.
She showed up like she said she would. After chatting with her for a while, I learned that the opposing team had not shown up and had to forfeit. This meant that I had more time to talk with her and boy, did I talk and talk and talk with her. The bar owner came by our table and informed us that it was time to close. That surprised me because I had lost track of time, so I turned to her and asked "Since everything else is closed for the night, what do we do?" She suggested that we go to her house and talk some more.
I finally left her house at 6:30 am, having chatted with her 11 hours straight and we agreed that I wouldn't return tonight or the next day so we each could spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our loved ones. I came to her house at 7 pm on the 26th and left her house at 8:30 am the next day, having chatted with her for over 13 hours. That's mind-boggling 24 hours total on TWO dates.
She ended up moving in with me just 3 months later and proposed to me 2 months after that. I asked her about her "I remember you" remark few years later and she told me that when she met me the first time, she mentally took note of this tall guy with glasses because she found me to be very interesting. She had been curious about me ever since then.
We celebrate December 23rd every year as the date we started our lives together...and she is still curious about me.
Nolens Volens he also writes on his personal blog Welcome to My Secret Spot (Not Safe For Work)
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Eating healthy when your partner doesn't want to...
I remember the reaction on my wife's face when I told her of my decision regarding the eating habits 7 years ago. Shock and surprise...maybe even amazement. After the shock wore off, she asked me the big question.
Why? I was what you would call a steak and potato man. Literally. I would eat a plate of a 16 oz steak with a heap of potatoes and still ask for more. What did it? I had read somewhere in Reader's Digest that it was not beneficial to eat red meat all the time and I was getting desperate about my ever-expanding waistline.
I despise the idea of diets because the people who went on diets had wildly varying degrees of success and failure. People would lose 5, 20, 100 lbs and gain some of the weight back or all of that weight loss...or even gain back more than was originally lost. She asked the next big question.
How? I had a radical thought - why not call it "lifestyle change" instead of "going on a diet"? To me, the "diet" phrase meant a temporary measure to lose weight...and maybe gain all that back or more. By calling it a lifestyle change, you are committing to making the way you eat as part of your life.
My wife was intrigued by that concept, BUT...
She felt that it was too much to ask of her to commit to this change and did not want to make that jump with me. I told her that I understood and hoped that she would make SMALL changes to help me ease into this radical idea. She asked what I meant about the small changes and I said "we eat food with low or no fat and drink skim milk".
She did make the small adjustments necessary to help me with the transition, but she didn't really commit to my concept until she saw that I had lost 20 pounds without ever visiting the gym and I kept that off for 1.5 years without any effort. No gym, no daily exercise regiment, nothing. I even found myself waking up with more energy than before.
There is that weird side effect of not eating meat anymore...I discovered that my body couldn't handle much of meat anymore...not even at 6 oz. The meat would sit heavily in my stomach for hours and I found out that by walking for 30+ minutes, that helped alleviate the unpleasant feeling. I even was surprised to learn that by drinking water on scheduled intervals, that had effectively put an end to my ice cube habit...my body used to CRAVE for water and I associated that craving with the need to eat ice cubes.
With all the profound changes that were making a visible and positive impact on me, my wife realized this would not only benefit her but our family as well if we all committed to this lifestyle change. Our girls do not consume soda beverages or junk food on a daily basis. They wake up full of energy...sometimes too early in the morning. Hehe.
Sometimes, it's a good idea to incorporate the small changes in how you eat and drink if you want to make a major lifestyle change. What do you think when you hear "lifestyle change" instead of "diet"?
Why? I was what you would call a steak and potato man. Literally. I would eat a plate of a 16 oz steak with a heap of potatoes and still ask for more. What did it? I had read somewhere in Reader's Digest that it was not beneficial to eat red meat all the time and I was getting desperate about my ever-expanding waistline.
I despise the idea of diets because the people who went on diets had wildly varying degrees of success and failure. People would lose 5, 20, 100 lbs and gain some of the weight back or all of that weight loss...or even gain back more than was originally lost. She asked the next big question.
How? I had a radical thought - why not call it "lifestyle change" instead of "going on a diet"? To me, the "diet" phrase meant a temporary measure to lose weight...and maybe gain all that back or more. By calling it a lifestyle change, you are committing to making the way you eat as part of your life.
My wife was intrigued by that concept, BUT...
She felt that it was too much to ask of her to commit to this change and did not want to make that jump with me. I told her that I understood and hoped that she would make SMALL changes to help me ease into this radical idea. She asked what I meant about the small changes and I said "we eat food with low or no fat and drink skim milk".
She did make the small adjustments necessary to help me with the transition, but she didn't really commit to my concept until she saw that I had lost 20 pounds without ever visiting the gym and I kept that off for 1.5 years without any effort. No gym, no daily exercise regiment, nothing. I even found myself waking up with more energy than before.
There is that weird side effect of not eating meat anymore...I discovered that my body couldn't handle much of meat anymore...not even at 6 oz. The meat would sit heavily in my stomach for hours and I found out that by walking for 30+ minutes, that helped alleviate the unpleasant feeling. I even was surprised to learn that by drinking water on scheduled intervals, that had effectively put an end to my ice cube habit...my body used to CRAVE for water and I associated that craving with the need to eat ice cubes.
With all the profound changes that were making a visible and positive impact on me, my wife realized this would not only benefit her but our family as well if we all committed to this lifestyle change. Our girls do not consume soda beverages or junk food on a daily basis. They wake up full of energy...sometimes too early in the morning. Hehe.
Sometimes, it's a good idea to incorporate the small changes in how you eat and drink if you want to make a major lifestyle change. What do you think when you hear "lifestyle change" instead of "diet"?
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Creativity in a pinch...
My wife and I had been debating about what to wear at a convention's Halloween party in a hotel 3 hours from home. We had forgotten to bring our costumes and neither one of us were happy about it. No point in driving home to get it, let alone visit Wal-Mart because we both knew that all the costumes were sold.
She suddenly had an idea and asked me how to turn that idea into reality. I listened to her carefully, interrupting occasionally to clarify what she meant...before I started brainstorming. I knew that despite the remote location of the hotel, I was bound to find something. I went off to look for a box big enough to fit me. Alas, it had rained all week here and all the boxes were wet & useless.
I had an eureka moment and I went to a gift shop. Sure enough, the shop had large blank posters for sale and I bought 4 of them along with certain markers and some glue. I went back to the room (my wife had left to attend more of the seminars at the convention) and I went to work. I googled for an image of a certain product and left the image up on my pager while I went to work.
Not an artist...or even somewhere in the neighborhood of having an ability to draw something more than stick figures, I decided that I would draw that image "upside down". I had read somewhere that when you draw something upside down, the logic part of your brain will give up and switch over to the creative part of your brain. Here goes nothing. I got the size of that canister down just right. I went to work on the girl in a raincoat, spilling something....and I got the rough look down...but how to do the spilling salt? You guessed it right...I was drawing Morton's Salt. I settled for dotting all along the spill path of the salt. Drew a little pile of salt. Done.
Then I went to work on my poster. Mine was far simpler...draw one line across the short side, about 2/3 of the way up, that's it...and color the bottom portion of the poster 2/3 black...and top portion 1/3 copper/light brown. Yep, I just made a poster for Duracell battery. What was the meaning of those two posters when pairing Morton's Salt and Duracell battery together? It took some people several minutes to figure it out while others got it right away. To help drive the point home, my wife's front poster showed a HUGE single letter of "A", paired with Morton's Salt poster on her back and I drew an ampersand on my front poster to go with the poster of Duracell battery on my back.
We won 1st prize for the most creative costume at the party, spelling out "Assault & Battery". ;)
She suddenly had an idea and asked me how to turn that idea into reality. I listened to her carefully, interrupting occasionally to clarify what she meant...before I started brainstorming. I knew that despite the remote location of the hotel, I was bound to find something. I went off to look for a box big enough to fit me. Alas, it had rained all week here and all the boxes were wet & useless.
I had an eureka moment and I went to a gift shop. Sure enough, the shop had large blank posters for sale and I bought 4 of them along with certain markers and some glue. I went back to the room (my wife had left to attend more of the seminars at the convention) and I went to work. I googled for an image of a certain product and left the image up on my pager while I went to work.
Not an artist...or even somewhere in the neighborhood of having an ability to draw something more than stick figures, I decided that I would draw that image "upside down". I had read somewhere that when you draw something upside down, the logic part of your brain will give up and switch over to the creative part of your brain. Here goes nothing. I got the size of that canister down just right. I went to work on the girl in a raincoat, spilling something....and I got the rough look down...but how to do the spilling salt? You guessed it right...I was drawing Morton's Salt. I settled for dotting all along the spill path of the salt. Drew a little pile of salt. Done.
Then I went to work on my poster. Mine was far simpler...draw one line across the short side, about 2/3 of the way up, that's it...and color the bottom portion of the poster 2/3 black...and top portion 1/3 copper/light brown. Yep, I just made a poster for Duracell battery. What was the meaning of those two posters when pairing Morton's Salt and Duracell battery together? It took some people several minutes to figure it out while others got it right away. To help drive the point home, my wife's front poster showed a HUGE single letter of "A", paired with Morton's Salt poster on her back and I drew an ampersand on my front poster to go with the poster of Duracell battery on my back.
We won 1st prize for the most creative costume at the party, spelling out "Assault & Battery". ;)
Nolens Volens (NSFW)
Monday, October 19, 2009
The sum of the parts...
What little moments or things does your significant other do that you just love or that reminds you WHY you love them. Like do they bite their lip? Do they sing in the shower? Do they surprise you with fun notes on your trips away?
What I love quickly about the little things of hers...the way she pays attention to details. The way she holds her fork when she cuts her food. The way she smiles. The way she thinks on a difficult subject. The way she changes her mind on a Halloween costume frequently.
What I love in terms of habits is her need to sleep draped across me. Her need to fondle me every night before falling asleep. Her need to play with her rings. Her need to chew on her fingernails (now greatly reduced).
I love how she feeds her addictions. Must have a book. Must watch an indie movie. Must see a Russell Crowe movie. Must have a cup of coffee or tea.
What I love the most is her perseverance to try and actually surprise me, which is RARE. Drives her nuts when she fails to surprise me and drives her equally nuts that I can and do surprise her consistently. In fact, I surprised her in a card game called "Liars" yesterday.
Her birthday is this Thursday and I know she is gonna be VERY surprised to find out what I did to her license plate holder along with her birthday gifts. She's a Firefly diehard fan and her new license plate holder says on the top, "A leaf on the wind" and on the bottom, "Wash is my pilot".
All the little things...makes her whole as a woman whom I love very much. :)
So why don't you tell us about little things your spouse does?
Nolens Volens--"Welcome to my Secret Spot" (Not Safe For Work-NSFW-or your house if you're Shelle :)
What I love quickly about the little things of hers...the way she pays attention to details. The way she holds her fork when she cuts her food. The way she smiles. The way she thinks on a difficult subject. The way she changes her mind on a Halloween costume frequently.
What I love in terms of habits is her need to sleep draped across me. Her need to fondle me every night before falling asleep. Her need to play with her rings. Her need to chew on her fingernails (now greatly reduced).
I love how she feeds her addictions. Must have a book. Must watch an indie movie. Must see a Russell Crowe movie. Must have a cup of coffee or tea.
What I love the most is her perseverance to try and actually surprise me, which is RARE. Drives her nuts when she fails to surprise me and drives her equally nuts that I can and do surprise her consistently. In fact, I surprised her in a card game called "Liars" yesterday.
Her birthday is this Thursday and I know she is gonna be VERY surprised to find out what I did to her license plate holder along with her birthday gifts. She's a Firefly diehard fan and her new license plate holder says on the top, "A leaf on the wind" and on the bottom, "Wash is my pilot".
All the little things...makes her whole as a woman whom I love very much. :)
So why don't you tell us about little things your spouse does?
Nolens Volens--"Welcome to my Secret Spot" (Not Safe For Work-NSFW-or your house if you're Shelle :)
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