The sum of the parts...

What little moments or things does your significant other do that you just love or that reminds you WHY you love them. Like do they bite their lip? Do they sing in the shower? Do they surprise you with fun notes on your trips away?

What I love quickly about the little things of hers...the way she pays attention to details. The way she holds her fork when she cuts her food. The way she smiles. The way she thinks on a difficult subject. The way she changes her mind on a Halloween costume frequently.

What I love in terms of habits is her need to sleep draped across me. Her need to fondle me every night before falling asleep. Her need to play with her rings. Her need to chew on her fingernails (now greatly reduced).

I love how she feeds her addictions. Must have a book. Must watch an indie movie. Must see a Russell Crowe movie. Must have a cup of coffee or tea.

What I love the most is her perseverance to try and actually surprise me, which is RARE. Drives her nuts when she fails to surprise me and drives her equally nuts that I can and do surprise her consistently. In fact, I surprised her in a card game called "Liars" yesterday.

Her birthday is this Thursday and I know she is gonna be VERY surprised to find out what I did to her license plate holder along with her birthday gifts. She's a Firefly diehard fan and her new license plate holder says on the top, "A leaf on the wind" and on the bottom, "Wash is my pilot".

All the little things...makes her whole as a woman whom I love very much. :)


So why don't you tell us about little things your spouse does?


Nolens Volens--"Welcome to my Secret Spot" (Not Safe For Work-NSFW-or your house if you're Shelle :)

Sometimes apologies piss me off.

When I first told Shelle that I was interested in providing a guys point of view for this blog, one reservation I expressed was that I might have to hold back a little bit when discussing certain things that directly concern Veronica and could be construed as speaking negatively about her. When she and I first started blogging, we pledged to each other that we would not air our differences or disrespect the other on our blogs. Any time I write something about her that she might perceive as negative, I’ll ask her to read it first. I hope you’ll like what I like, but not at the risk of disturbing the domestic bliss I enjoy.

I’m not saying that I’m holding back at all in addressing this topic, but since it’s my first time contributing to Real World: Venus vs. Mars, I wanted to put that out there so that you understand why I might sometimes use general examples. Okay then….

Apologies are tricky things. Given too readily and I don’t think it’s sincere, do the same ‘thing’ over and over again, apologizing each time, and it’ll just piss me off. Very rarely is Veronica reluctant to apologize and at times apologizes when one isn’t called for. A benign example that actually happens in our house might go like this:

Me: hey honey, there are no more cans soda left in the fridge
Veronica: I’m sorry, I should have noticed and put some more in
Here is how it could have gone:
Me: hey honey, there are no more cans soda left in the fridge
Veronica: Well, you’re the soda drinker and took the last can. You
should have noticed and done something about it. You dumb ass…

Sometimes, she is too freakin’ nice, and lets me get away with crap. I think she was infused with an over-abundance of good old Catholic guilt as a kid growing up in a community with a large Jewish population. If anyone knows guilt, it’s Catholics and Jews. Even worse, her mother is a Brooklyn Eye-talian who went to Catholic school
for 12 years. The woman is a master with guilt. Veronica is a peace-maker and often works to placate others in order to maintain domestic tranquility. Me? Not so much. I hold stuff in, then get pissed off and blow up. So perhaps it’s partly my fault that she apologies so readily.

On serious matters when an apology really is appropriate, she is good, very good, at letting me blow off steam, then approaching me and offering a sincere apology. I hope I do the same for her when I need to. And believe me, there are times when I need to….

So, dear readers, how about you and your spouse, what do you think?

Hubman

"I apologize"... "now do you want to get it on?"

It’s funny; the things that you think you might struggle with when you first get married. For me, I thought it would be money. Duke was a tight wad, always paid his bills months before they were due (he was a bachelor for 10 years before we met). I grew up believing that debt was just a part of grown up life and that bills would always be there whether they were paid late or on time. I braced myself early for how I would handle the arguments, took on the bills right from the beginning so that I would have some control over where the money was spent. After our first month of married life, it was clear that this was not going to be our biggest obstacle by a long shot.

I remember our first argument. We had been married about 6 weeks. We had never had an argument in our short courtship and engagement, so this was definitely new territory for us.

He came home from work (we lived in a small apartment) and I had lost my job so I was depressed and wallowed in my sorrows most days. He walked in and asked why I hadn’t cleaned the house while he was a work. I was taken back to say the least. I explained that he made the mess just as I had, and we would both be doing the housecleaning. He then proceeded to play the “I am out making the money” card and I started to spontaneous combust all over that tiny apartment. How could he say that? How could he make me feel worse about the fact that I was trying to get a good job and hadn’t found one? We screamed, I locked myself in the bathroom, and he left. When he came back a few hours later, I was ready to talk about it, say I was sorry and make up. This is when I learned that this was not the way he had learned to handle disagreements.

He was a grudge holder and did not let things roll off his back. When he feels wronged, or his feelings are hurt, or even when he knows he is the one in the wrong, he climbs inside a hole and pouts. I remember going in to the bedroom to talk to him and he would not even speak to me. I told him I was sorry for getting angry, that I was over sensitive about not having employment and he just sat there watching T.V. like I wasn’t there. To me, this was worse than the original argument and a slap in the face! How can you truly love someone and not forgive them? Who wants to harbor feelings of ill will towards their spouse? I had always worked hard in my relationships with friends and family, to mend fences as soon as possible so that we could move on and not hold feelings of discontentment. This was the first time I had dealt with someone who would not do the same. I immediately thought this meant our marriage was doomed! He must not love me the way I love him.

Since then, we have worked through these differences and while neither of us completely changed the way we handle conflict, he has slowly changed his ability to go days with the punishing silent treatment, and he is now able to say I am sorry…sort of and sometimes.

We have talked about why he is the way he is, and he admits that this was the way he was raised. His family held grudges against each other and NEVER admitted they were wrong, even though they knew deep down that they were. He has extended family that, to this day haven’t spoken for 20 years and they don’t even remember what the original argument was over. My family was just the opposite. We were taught to “fake it until you make it” everything is fine even if it isn’t, just to keep the peace (this creates different problems and therefore, isn't perfect either).

For years, I would just say I was sorry, even though I knew I had done nothing wrong, just so we wouldn’t argue. After a few years of that, I had had enough and was ready for him to grow up a bit and take his licks like a man. I decided to play the game he had taught me, where I gave him the silent treatment until he finally gave in and asked what I wanted to do to fix the problem. At times he would even dare ask if I was ready to apologize! This would open dialogue for me to at least start to show him how much better it feels to forgive and forget. Sometimes, after an argument, I still actually walk him through an apology. It is like a painful thing for him to say the words “I am sorry.” I think it takes a bit of his soul every time he says it (or at least he acts like it does). I am also trying to show him that it is very easy to detect an empty apology, or just someone who is going through the motions in order to gain something (like sex for instance). This is a total no, no, and gets you nowhere.

We’ve been married over 16 years and while it certainly isn’t our only issue, it has been definitely one of our biggest hurdles in keeping our marriage happy and healthy.

Are you and your spouse different when it comes to how and when you like to “kiss and make up”? Or are you lucky enough not to have this as one of your ‘marital obstacles’?

Chief

Come see me at (Hiding from the Kids) where you will read first hand, our other bits of craziness and how we cope with them.

Group Therapy - My spouse is addicted to W.O.W.

Welcome to Group Therapy.

Some advice is needed.

"Hello. I have a spouse that is addicted to World Of Warcraft, or WOW. If you don't know what that is, it is a computer game where you make your own world, build up your players, get into groups, play online with these groups, then fight to defend your world? Or something similar to that, I'm not really quite sure. He has to pay a subscription to be a part of it all online and he does. He stays up for HOURS playing this video game. It's insane to me.

We have only been married for a few years, and have no children. He's great about giving me time at night, most of the time. We do stuff around the house, watch tv together or go out to dinner or hang with friends, but as soon as it is time to go to bed he leaves me in the bedroom and he goes off into the computer room to play this GAME!

At first I use to sit and watch him play for a little bit. He made me a player, but I just don't get it or can't get into it.

He will play well into the night and often I will wake up in the early early morning and roll over to see that he is still up. He doesn't get a lot of sleep. And I'm worried someday that he's going to crack or something. Also I have noticed that lately it is earlier and earlier that he is wanting to play AND he's gotten to, I guess, a level where one night I suggested we go to a movie and he wanted to post pone it for another night because he HAD to get online because him and his group had planned some kind of battle or something?

You have to know that my husband is a sports guy really. He plays all of them and watches all of them. A few of his poker friends introduced him to this game and the more he gets into it the more I'm being put on the back burner.

I feel like it is a problem in our marriage right now, I've tried to talk to him about it but he compares it to me blogging or watching television, as just being an activity for him something HE would rather be doing. We are trying to have kids and I don't want this to be an issue when the time comes where we do have children.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm over reacting and just being to needy. I have read online that this game has caused people to get a divorce! I can truly see that and it scares me.

Any advice for me would be appreciated." -- Frustrated W.O.W. Wife

Okay everyone. I decided to link up to the World of Warcraft community and the definition from Wiki about it HERE.

Discuss in comments and give your advice, WOW Wife will be reading your comments and maybe piping in. If you search the internet, like I did, you will realize this is actually really an issue for a lot of people! W.O.W is quite the big deal! And feel free to comment anonymously.

Can I twist your definition of Romance???

Romance: How important is it? Do you hate that you have to make an effort to be romantic? Does your spouse expect too much? Do you not get enough romance in your marriage... is your significant other romantically retarded?

Alright these are the questions posed to me by Shelle. I am to write the female perspective on this topic. My perspective has drastically changed on this topic. It has changed because I took the time to figure out the male perspective (I know.... I'm ducking) Ok, so here is what I used to think: He doesn't care enough to take the time to be romantic toward me. IF he truly cared he would plan from the sitter to the activity to the fabulous gift of xyz (fill in your dream item here).

The one truly classic, text book "romantic" thing my dear husband does for me is this- every Valentine's Day he gives me the same thing. It costs him no money, only a bit of time and a piece of paper. He has been doing this for over 12 years now. He makes a top 10 list of the reasons he loves me. It is a perfect gift and one I look forward to. I love looking back on these lists because they serve as a history, a passing of time, a tale of what was going on that year in our lives.

Past that, by definition of "classic romance" my husband is indeed a dud! But, this may shock you. I don't care. It does not bother me. Because I (like other things in my life) have bucked the system and I no longer believe in the "classic" definition of romance. Here is why:

My understanding of romance drastically changed after I read this book. I was floored by what I read and I asked my husband and several other men it this information was true ... come to find out the information in this book is indeed accurate - it states this: "men are unromantic clods" the general summary is this: "Actually most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic- but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed." It goes on to say in this book that a man's idea of romance is far far different from a woman's idea. Where a woman's idea is candlelight, music, dinner, one on one time etc. a man's idea could be fishing.

Women out there hold your tongues, do not close your minds quite yet. Think about it. A man wants you around and wants to do what he likes. How hard is that to consider. Women are the ones who are being clods if we think men are digging the $50 a piece meal (when all our man is doing is adding up how many hours they had to work to pay for it) then truly it is our faults! Men consider spending time with their mates to be a form of romance. It does not matter if it is hunting, fishing, shoveling dirt, playing a video game, or eating at the top of the Stratosphere in Vegas - spending time doing what they enjoy - that is a definition of romance.

I will leave you with one example: October 3rd was my hubby's birthday. I surprised him by bringing all four kids to my parent's house for the evening (a rare thing around here). We spent the evening geo-caching in the rain and the mud. I wore jeans and a sweatshirt, boots a work coat and a stocking hat. This activity requires lots of back road driving around here so we had time to talk and listen to the radio and relax in general. At a few of the stops to find the "geocaches" I had a beer and by the last stop (which was a public lake access) I was dancing on the dock with the radio blaring while he tromped through the woods looking for the treasure. From there we went to a back woods bar and had supper - prime rib and baked potatoes - a very manly meal but drop dead delicious! We then went home and finished celebrating his bday (*wink wink, nudge) and went to bed by 9:30pm. He said it was the best date ever. Why? because we did what he enjoyed and had fun doing it. We only spent $35 for supper, I brought beer from home that I threw in a cooler in the back, and probably about $10 in gas.

Really, if I think about it, I had more fun doing that than I would have at a classy restaurant, in uncomfortable clothing, spending more money than we could afford to all in the name of romance. Who sets what is romantic anyway? Why does it have to be wine and candles? (I hate wine and scented candles make me gag)

After learning what men consider romantic, that part of our relationship has been better. If I want dinner, movie, music, kids gone, hotel, hot "cuddling" under the sheet, etc then I had best plan it. He goes along with it and we have fun. But, if I want him to plan a date, I need to be willing to accept his definition of fun and romance.

Well what do you think? Always happy to talk about it in comments!











Picture of Dearest and Youngest geocaching

Son of a Romantic

“Let’s get your mom some flowers.” It was this simple sentence, uttered by my dad, that began my informal education in romance. I was nine years old, and we were on our way home from an afternoon of errands. My dad stopped at a roadside flower stand, picked out a bunch and delivered them home to my mom. There were big smiles and generous hugs for the both of us.

Over the years, my dad taught me a lot about romance. Besides the valuable lesson in floriography, he instructed me to open car doors for dates, always pay the check and not to be shy about giving them my arm anywhere we walked. I witnessed my dad stop at the roadside flower stand many times. He would send my mom love notes. In both direct and indirect ways, my dad taught me how valuable a spontaneous romantic gesture could be.

A lot of my father’s playful, romantic side has been sewn into the fabric of my marriage. One of the first impressions that WonderWife™ says I made on her was the fact that I showed up at her door for our first date carrying a big bouquet of sunflowers. I try not to let too much time go by without a love note here or a text message there. With WonderWife™ it’s easy.

I can’t imagine being with somebody that didn’t stir my inner romantic side. Being romantic shouldn’t be a chore. Nor does it have to be done with big sweeping gestures. This is where TV and movies have steered us wrong. A room lit by 100 candles may be romantic, but, as I found out one night, it requires a lot of work to set them up and light them. Not to mention the time it took to blow them out later. Yes, candles are nice, but a simple note hidden in a conspicuous place can work just as well. The one that I left for WW™ in our kitchen pantry is still hanging there three years after I wrote it.

Romance is about surprise. It’s turning off the lights and throwing in a CD one evening. It’s having a picnic on the front lawn every once in a while, instead of dinner in front of the tube. Romance is most powerful when it’s unexpected. The best flowers you can give are on a random Tuesday, to let your partner know you’re thinking about them even during the ordinary, mundane times.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m Casanova. Nor am I implying that I am the most innovative romantic out there. There are sometimes long stretches that go by where the romance is pushed to the back by dirty diapers, doing the dishes or a new episode of Lost. But I’m wired in a way where if I can’t remember the last romantic gesture I’ve made, something in me clicks and puts a new one into motion. And there are some simple, proven gestures that always go over well.

To the ladies out there: romance doesn’t just fall to the guys. The same lessons apply. The fellas like a little attention as well. Everyone in a relationship should realize that romance doesn’t take a lot of effort, just a little bit of thought and planning.


I’m lucky to be the son of a romantic. The lessons from my dad have made a strong impact on me and helped me get the most out of my relationships. So when I’m out with the Bean doing errands, every once in a while I will lean over and say to him, “Let’s get your mom some flowers.”

I NEED YOU!!!

NEED YOUR IDEAS.

Hey everyone. Now that you kinda see what we have been doing new over here at Real World. I'm reaching out to YOU guys to help me with topics.

What do you want to read about???

Do you have questions for Group Therapy?

Do you have topics you'd like to see two perspectives on?

Leave them here in comments or email them to me at blokthoughts @ gmail dot com.

Thank you for all of you that have emailed me so far with topics and questions. It has been so great.

ALSO... If you have a HALLOWEEN story funny, sad, scary, embarrassing, or cute and romantic we want to HEAR about it. The week of Halloween is going to be all about the STORIES!!! :) So email me! :)

Thanks,

Shelle-Blokthoughts

P.S. If you are a male, and know how to spin some words into a post... we need more contributors for team Mars, I'm kinda feelin bad for them ;)