I wouldn't want to be a teenager again for anything!

Shelle Edit: Vodka Logic I have known for a long time and she is absolutely one of the best people I know on the internet. Plus she twitters and facebooks and so we have many avenues to talk to each other. She always has something pretty cool to say and relevant. So go check her out after you comment here with any advice or opinions! :) Her site HERE.

Image taken from HERE

I wouldn’t want to be a teenager again for anything. Offer me life ever after and I’d turn it down. Being a teen is hard, especially these days. My experience is hands on these days. I have two daughters, one is 21 and despite a few set backs in middle school, made it through fairly easily. We’ve had our differences but for the most part it was smooth sailing. My other daughter is 16 and has struggled. Middle school was a nightmare, elementary school was difficult too now I think about it. She is angst filled and emotional.

She fights with us over every detail, regardless how small. She has caused me more grey hair and tears than I care to admit. I cry because of her and with her. I have loved her and not liked her at the same time. Does this make sense? Sure does if you have a daughter like mine.

I have taken her to therapy in the past and other than one initial woman she hasn’t really “clicked” with anyone. She has been asking to see someone again and let me say it has not been an easy task. I have left more messages at therapists offices and gotten no call backs. If I do get to speak to someone they don’t take our insurance or they don’t have appointments for months.I don’t want to wait months, I want to help my daughter. It has been very frustrating.

We have an appointment finally lined up with a woman but I have my reservations. I left messages four days in a row before I got a call back. I am not sure she called back on her own or because I asked the pediatricians office to call on my behalf. Needless to say she better impress me.

We love our kids and want to do what we can to keep them but sometimes the powers that be make it difficult. Trying to help my daughter and not over react is a fine line. I tend to be a worrier and I don't want to project this on my daughter.

My daughter has now had two sessions with her therapist. The first I sat in on with her and the therapist asked questions about what she was like as a little child, her developement, behavior etc. She asked what  we expectd from the sessions, our family history and what we could anticipate from her. Overall a good meeting.

Monday my daughter had her first session alone. I sat in the waiting room listening to my ipod and wondering what was going on inside. After they were finished I went in and made the copayment and scheduled the next appointment. The therapist suggested we go weekly for the time being. On the way home I asked my daughter how it went and she was a bit evasive at first. I told her she didn't have to tell me what they talked about just how she liked her and did she think it would help. She seemed unsure but since we have just started it is probably too early to tell. She did however open up about a few things, our parenting styles and things that bothered her that she mentioned to the therapist. I have to admit some of it was hard to hear and we both shed a few tears as I drove home. My daughter felt bad she made me cry but I said I wanted her to feel she could talk to me without worrying about my reaction.

Certainly some of what she said is true but some is also her perception of things. It doesn't make them wrong it is just her reaction to situations and admittedly I don't always have the words to explain things the way I would like. As a good friend said to me, "it will probably get worse before it gets better." True I am sure.

Certainly no one ever said raising children would be easy... seems I still have a lot to learn.

How do you balance raising a teenager today?


Vodka Logic

What For Lunch Dear?

Shelle Edit: Snooty Primadona has decided to write for the Venus side and let us learn from her 34 years of marriage! I am so excited! She writes on her OWN BLOG HERE about her husband (who sleep walks), family, and just general thoughts...so go check her out after you read her here how her and her husband found a way to keep the intimacy alive while raising their kids.

Image taken from HERE

Mr. Snoots and I have been married nearly 34 years and were married for 6 years before hearing the pitter-patter of little feet. So, as you can imagine, we had a very active marital sex life. When we were finally blessed with children, I’m pretty sure someone forgot to send us the memo about how your sex life would diminish, becoming almost non-existent until just before they thankfully enter Kindergarten.
Our son was born first (weighing in just under 10 lbs.), and he was sleeping through the night within a couple of weeks after birth. Since I’d had a c-section, it was a while before we could return to normal. Yes, we were actually convinced that we’d return to normal at that point. The first time Mr. Snoots changed our son’s diaper, he was sprayed with baby boy peepee while cleaning up a poo. Needless to say, he didn’t want to procreate for a while after that.

Once our daughter was born, the grandiose delusions of returning to normalcy were completely squashed. We suddenly realized we were never again going to have a shower together (or alone), have our morning constitutions alone, have sexual relations alone, or anything else for that matter. We had given birth to our *wonder children*! Life would never again be the same, as we struggled to afford them all of the same activities as their school friends. It was a constant parade of carpools, festivals, sporting events, amusement park trips, skiing every winter, and summers at the lake.

I remember praying (I know, don’t judge) for them to hurry and reach the age of mandatory school attendance, so we could at least see each other for a few minutes a day without the loud hustle and bustle of having children in the house or shuffling them from one activity or another. It was a 7 year wait. We were both becoming somewhat impatient. We had to go out of town to be alone together. That, or wait until the blissful 2 weeks they were at summer camp, which was really only 10 days because you had to count the day they leave, their end-of-camp activities & awards for a weekend.

Once our son was in 2nd grade & our daughter was in 1st grade, we devised an *EVILPLAN* to meet at home during the lunch hour, for what we referred to as *nooners*. Of course, since the kids were in private school I had to do a mandatory 2 lunches delivered to both kids, every week, which narrowed the time frame. But, the *nooners* were the magic glue that kept our marriage together all those years we were absorbed in child rearing. I mean, you can’t exactly have relations when your children are in the bed across from you on club soccer or basketball trips, or when they come into your room asking why Daddy is hurting Mommy, which is the stuff therapy is made of. If you dared to lock the door at night they would stand outside wanting to know why, which would spoil the mood anyway, or you could hear them vomiting all over your bedroom door as they called your name (Mommy!), to your horror. It was tough going during those years (though we giggled about some of it in secret).

Just as things are going along smoothly for a few years, they suddenly turn 16, get their license to drive, you foolishly buy them a car, and they start coming home for lunch. Every. Day. If you try making whoopee on Friday or Saturday nights when they are gone & there are no games to attend, it seems they always need to run back by the house or call for something they need. You’re looking at another 7 years until this ends. All you can do is look at one another in pain. When they finally leave for college, you make sure they go at least 500 miles away because you love them and want them to be worldly….

What has worked for you guys?  Do you agree with Snooty Primadona? Let her know in comments.


Snooty Primadona

How money affected my relationship.

Shelle Edit: So we have a new Contributor for the Mars team!!! Let him know what you think and then go visit his blog where he talks about music and happenings with him and his three girls!!! But watch out... he might challenge you to a dance off! :)

Did your parents ever teach you about money? Maybe they showed you how to fill out a check book, but what about saving or planning? Mine didn’t. They never talked about money. Maybe that was ok, in the sense that I never worried about their financial situation, but it had a big impact on my marriage.

My ex didn’t learn early on either. She had a much leaner childhood, as far as money was concerned, and with that poor real-life education and without structured education about money, that also had a big impact on our marriage.

We married in 2000. We’re separated at the moment, but expect a divorce to be finalized sometime this year. That gave us 10 years to learn things the hard way. A lot happened in those 10 years, including 2 home purchases and 3 kids. At one point I was making pretty good money; for a young family anyway. We made a bad decision with that money and got into a very ‘house poor’ situation. We sold that house 3 years ago and it’s still a problem. So much a problem that I’m planning on filing for bankruptcy.

I believe money is a catalyst. You’ve probably heard the bible verse 1 Timothy 6:10 misquoted a time or two; “Money is the root of all evil.” The correct quote is “The love of money is the root of all evil.”

Being a catalyst, something else has to be involved to create a reaction. I called this post “Money affected my relationship because...”, because in and of itself, money was not the problem. The problem was unrealistic expectation, along with misunderstanding and poor communication.

They all tie in together, but from the beginning we never discussed our expectations and thoughts about money. Well, to be honest, we didn’t discuss much about anything. (Hence the “ex.”) Starting a relationship with at least some understanding of how your partner thinks about money is very important. How each of you think about money may be very different. In her case, I believe fear played a big part in how she thought about money. Money was the difference between happiness and anger; between hungry or not. I had no idea she thought that way. As for me, money was never a big issue. That became a problem because I was lazy and had some unrealistic expectations. I figured no matter what happened, we would be fine.

Because of what we learned the hard way, I’ve made a personal vow to make sure my kids understand how money works and how to properly handle it. My dad never taught me. I don’t think because he couldn’t or didn’t want to, but I think he assumed school took care of it. If it did, I must have missed that class. But then again, where would I be now if I hadn’t learned the hard way?

I’m not entirely sure how I would handle it in the future, if I married again. Friends of ours have some of the same issues my ex and I had, like conflicting money management styles, but they make it work somehow. A lot of it is extreme patience and an understanding that there is more than one way to do it. I have a cousin who is a stay at home mom and gets an allowance from her husband. She likes it because she doesn’t have to do any of the bookkeeping. Some people keep their finances totally separate. Each has an income, separate checking accounts, and split the financial responsibilities.

I still believe that my girls and I will be fine, no matter what happens, but now understand how important proper communication about money is. It’s important for maintaining a strong relationship through understanding and realistic expectations, as well as reducing the potential for bad money decisions sabotaging a relationship.

How has money affected your relationships? How do you and your partner handle money? If you don’t like how it’s handled now, how would you rather do it and what are you going to do to change it? Who wants to join me in reviving the barter system?

3GirlKnight

Some things I've learned the last 11 years.

Tomorrow marks the day of my 11th Anniversary and for some of you that might not seem so long, and for others you might say to yourself, "But SHELLE! You're way too young to have been married that long" and to you I say, "Yes. Yes I am", but it's still true nonetheless, 11 YEARS! There even may be some of you that say 11 years is a long time.  Wherever you fall concerning the amount of years matters none at all because I'm going to tell you what I want to tell you regardless.

Your. Welcome.

I can honestly tell you that I love my husband, obsessively so.  I still think he's hot so I still get turned on by things that he does.  He still makes me laugh.  I still care enough about him that he can make me extremely angry and that's partly because he knows me so well that he knows what will set me off. He gave me and helped me in creating the two things that matter the most to us, our children.

So 11 years.  At times it went really really slow, but mostly it has sped by.

And I thought I'd share some things I have learned that has helped in our marriage.

1.     Go to bed angry.  Seriously. Everyone tells you to "never go to bed angry" but I say, NAY, do go to bed angry, because most of the time, if you are like me, you'll wake up and realize that whatever you were mad about really isn't that big of a deal and you are in a better place to talk about it.  More calm.  And with as much reason as I can muster, I am an emotional based person after all.  Plus, if I'm ready to start a fight with my spouse at night, it's usually, or 90 percent of the time, just because I'm tired and easily irritated.

2.     Kiss your spouse once a day.  Like REALLY kiss them.  Not just a peck you reserve for your children or friends, but a really good, get it done-down and dirty-kiss.  But not before you've brushed your teeth or popped a breath mint.  What? My nose still works no matter how excited I am for a good smooch.

3.     We shower together often.  True story.  Not everyday mind you, but often.  For us a shower together may take a little longer, but it's that time we have together that we may have intimate moments, and because clean up and smell is a lot better in there!!! Just sayin.

4.    We take vacations together.  Just him and I.  Whether it be overnight or a few days.  Just him and I.  We discover things together that we have never done and we find time to talk with each other.  That can go bad sometimes because we might choose to talk about things that make us mad at each other, but most of the time it is good, and it's memories we create together.  The more memories, the more we bond and continue to get to know each other.  Plus those times it's just him and I, we try things we haven't tried before, and YES I mean in the bedroom, no worries of kids walking in, so we like to see what might spice it up for us.  It's fun.

5.    We also find time to go out, or try, at least once a week.  For our religion, sometimes that is to the temple.  Sometimes it's for a run to get ice cream.  Most of the time it's a movie we have wanted to watch that isn't kid friendly.

6.  We try to find one thing positive everyday to say about each other that we notice. Now that doesn't always happen, but we try, which is key.

7.  We fight, BUT and this is key, we forgive.  I see he forgives me and/or is working on it and he sees the same.  We also bicker like sister and brother... not sure if that is key or not, but we do, often.

8.  He makes sure I get out with the girls and I try to shove him out the door to get together with someone that isn't me.

9.  I let him have his thing he likes to do without me and he lets me have things I do without him.  But we also find things we like to do together, like cycling or I'll try mountain biking or snowboarding or hiking.  We both continue to like the sport of sex... so that helps that we have that one thing in common. ;)

10.  Our one rule since the beginning of marriage has been, "no bringing up things from the past once we have talked about them and agreed to let them go".  However hard that has been, we have stuck with that.  Well mostly, I am female after all.

11.  The "D" word is not allowed. Divorce.  We both agreed to forever and even sometimes we make fun by saying, "well that sucks, I'm stuck having to deal with that forever!" or "that was some fine print I wish I would have known about before I signed the dotted line on FOREVER!!!" but for him and I we make it a point to not add the D word for argument's sake or dramatic effect.  We don't want to allow that seed in to begin to nourish any  kind of growth at all. So far it has worked for us.

Every relationship is different.

But these things have worked for us.

Oh and love!  Love helps alot.  Love and lust... and well I like him also.

Yes, all those things help!

And to be honest... so does a lot of s.e.x.

Love,

Shelle

The only folks we really wound, are those we love the best

The Quote/poem today to discuss is this:

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox


It makes you sit back and kind of cast your eyes down, or drop your head in a bit of shame, because it is so true.


"And deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best."


We are always so worried about how others perceive us that we try so hard to please and do for those that probably and most likely know us the least, but for those that love us the most, accepting us in our faults and in our strengths, tend to get the worst of us most times, while the world outside of our loved ones circle gets the best of us, or what we show them is the best of us.

Let's discuss on why you think that is?  How do we change that? Is it important to change it?  How do we recognize if we are one of those that give the "thoughtless blows to those who love us best", because I bet you could think of people off hand who do this to you, but are you also one who does this to those closest to you?


Love,


Shelle

Stay Flexible in your Approach

So I'm in the process of scheduling a bunch of guest contributors and the start of our New Regular Contributors along with fun games and other things to schedule with the blog.

In the meantime, this week will be all me.

I know... you're totally excited.

I'm a quote snob.  Love them.

So each post will be short, hopefully, and based off of a quote I found and thought would be fun to talk about with you guys.

Today's quote:

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”--Tom Robbins

How can that not be more true then in a relationship?

Image taken from HERE

You commit yourself to one person... for some, until death do you part, for others, forever, and the rest, you have committed in your heart and mind and soul.  You made a decision that the person you want to spend everyday with and share your most important moments with is that person you have committed yourself to.

But any relationship requires flexibility, does it not?  You go into any relationship, and especially it seems, marriage, with certain expectations.  You made your decision and you have these ideas of how things are going to be.  But any relationship takes at least two different ideas and perspectives... so without flexibility to compromise or change or adjust those expectations or ideas--that relationship will likely fail or be terribly rigid with that feeling of being closed in and stuck.

That is when people want out.  That is when people can't do it anymore. 

When someone made their decision but either they or the other party in the relationship wasn't flexible in their approach.

What do you guys say???  Do you agree?  Do you have anything to add?  Do you think I'm nuts?

Love,
Shelle

What Would you Rather Episode: 14

First day of February... and first of the Real World coming back to life!!!

Or so I hope.

If you volunteered to post... THANK YOU THANK YOU!  We are still looking for more posters and guest posters so keep them coming!

If you follow me on facebook at all you will have already seen this picture, but here is an example that I will take whatever picture that you want to send in to add to our header!!!  Can't you see the love emanating from my guy??? hehehe Yes, my camera lens on my phone is diiirrrrtttyyy!!! Makes me look angelic though, don't you think?

Also, in the next few weeks I will be redoing the header with pictures of couples (sisters, child/parent, married or dating couples, etc) sent in by YOU guys.  I still have those that sent me them the last time I asked for them but if you'd like to be on our header then send your pictures to blokthoughts@gmail.com!

Let's play a game of What Would You Rather to start this awesome month of February off--

1.  Would you rather your able to talk and communicate or connect through rare bonding moments?

2. Would you rather your significant other tell you they love you with words or never saying it but showing it with their actions?

3.  Would you rather be surprised or do you hate surprises? and why?

Okay answer one or the other and if you can explain why you chose that answer!!!  Follow comments so you can comment on other peoples comments!  We are all about discussion around here!

Love,

Shelle