Friday, December 4, 2009

Mommy is the Master of the Bathroom!

I will not share a bathroom with my husband or his offspring.

At our house we have two bathrooms. A guest bathroom and the master bathroom.

Approximately 6 years ago, after living life as the only vah-jay-jay in a house full of penises for 10 years I decided it was time for segregation! (Rosa Parks can kiss my arse, I refuse to get my butt cheeks stuck to the toilet seat whether it's at the back of the bus or right up front!)

Case in point:
I remember watching my son spin in circles while he was relieving himself, spraying into the bathtub, trash can and all over the walls. When I screamed at him he looked at me like I had lost my mind! I went in to his dad to complain and sure enough, I was met with the same expression. This is where and when I drew the line in the sand.

Mommy is the master, therefore she gets the master bathroom. Anyone with a prostate will need to make their way down the hall to the guest bathroom.thank. you. very. much.

No more toilet seat hinges, caked with brown dried urine. No more falling into the toilet in the middle of the night. Gone was the visions of enormous poops left in the toilet or better yet, giant skid marks circling the bowl. (girls don't leave skid marks, right?)

I know you are wondering how I can get away with this. Well, it has been 6 years and I can honestly say, I have only peeked in that bathroom a handful of times since... (when company comes, I like to throw a gallon of bleach in and push it around with a stick). For all I know, there are piles of excrement on the floor. Don't worry, every week I send Duke in to clean it and I have decided if it is clean enough for him, then it is OK by me. What I don't know won't hurt me and the immunity the boys are developing from the filth is something scientists would pay big bucks to get their hands on.

My family doesn't have to deal with the "girly crap" all over the bathrooms either. I have an in-home salon that holds all of my "war paint" and hair doo-dads. My feminine supplies go in the trash can in MY bathroom and my toothbrush sits alone on the counter in MY bathroom.

I feel it is the least I deserve for putting up with all of the testosterone fueled looks of confusion on a daily basis ~wink~

I would love to hear what you have to say. I will do my best to answer each one of your comments, so talk to me people!


(Hiding from the Kids)

P.S. I love having boys and I love my husband with all my black heart.  I can't imagine life any other way. (I especially can't imagine life forced to sit in urine.)


Chief said...

wupps! went to edit a spelling error and hit publish. Sorry Shelle!

Cluttered Brain said...


Especially about the part about the gallon of bleach and you pushing a stick around on the floor to clean it cause there are surely HUGE piles of excrement on the floor....
Totally get you on the falling in the toilet once. Although I have 3 girls, I do have a husband and he NEVER puts the seat back where it belongs. I mean I can't ban him from the master bathroom can I? It's in our bedroom.

And I was laughing so hard this morning I woke my honey up...(That is ok he kept me awake most of the night with his snoring.....)


Have you joined Life 2 Us website yet? Unknown Mami helps run it.
You should.

Okay sorry tangent. I would LOVE to see U guest post in there as well.

I left a caption on your contest thingy...It's not the best IMO...I love Princess of sarcasm's comment..she should really win something KEWL....:)

Evonne said...

Thanks for the reminder to look for a house with 2 bathrooms when we're able to finally move out of this box. said...

I'm right there with you. There's something pretty great about being teh only female in a house of men. Even our dog is a male. And I am the Queen :)

Chief said...

the cluttered one - YEs, you can ban him. that is what I did and no one seems to mind.

evonne - 2. bathrooms. is. a. must.

Nancy - it has its definite perks as long as you have a husband like Duke who will put up with your antics *wink*

OneZenMom said...

Oh Chief, I am still rolling on the floor laughing over here. You kill me.

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable and sane situation to me!

Homer and Queen said...

I totally agree with you! I would do it if I could. Although McFly NEVER flushes or wipes and then sayes it wasn't her!

Chief said...

Zen - I am so glad it seems sane to you because if it didn't then I would think I am a nut case!

Queen - I tell them that there is no reason anyone would want to see their excrement. why leave it for people to study?

Missty said...

Great idea. We have an all male house, the boys have a bathroom and my husband and I share our bathroom, its big and we each have our own sinks and drawers, etc. And besides who doesn't like to share a shower? I will keep him in my bathroom.

Another Suburban Mom said...

I want to be you! It is my dream to have my own bathroom, with a big soaking tub and a shower and place to keep all my girl stuff on the counter.

Live the dream baby!

Chief said...

Missty- I so wish we had a separate Shower and double sinks. I would let him in if it was a big enough bathroom

suburban mom - It has to work this way for everyone to be happy. If i did't have any options then I would have to show patience. I don't have a lot of patience

Missty said...

Chief I have to tell you, we remodeled our master bedroom/bathroom to just what we always wanted. I walked up behind the contractor one day as he was on his phone and he was telling someone he was building a "love nest" or something for this couple.

I laughed hysterical - because it is a large area, but hardly anything out of the ordinary. And the real reason I laughed - This guy has 8 kids! Umm, I think he has some sort of love nest!

But yes the bathroom is awesome.

Working Mommy said...

I absolutely LOVE this post!! I am definitely rolling around my office laughing - about to pee myself!! Thanks!


Chief said...

Missty - I so need to get the remodel started...I don't need a love nest though. I prefer the love sack.

Working Mom - Thanks for stopping by!

It's fun over here!

June said...

I made sure my boys put both seats down and flushed from the time they were old enough to start potty training.
But I know what you are talking about. After running my own cleaning service for 3 years I have seen everything!

Pinkus is so lucky he gets to share the bathroom with me. But he has been warned not to leave food in the shower anymore or he is BANNED!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Chief you never let me down!!! Never never!

Oh how I envy you... every ounce of alone bathroom do I envy you!!!


And I laughed so hard when i first read this my husband thought I was going insane!


I love your posts Chief!

Chief said...

Carol! Fo0d in the Shower?

Shelle - you make me blush?

supahmommy- somethin's wrong with that girl said...

i need me one of those

i don't know where i'd send him though
plan with me
master me
guest is girls
powder for random people

Ok. 2 flights.. he won't mind.

the bleach stick.. lmaooo
you slay me.

Unknown said...

I came over to read Chief's post and I'm your newest follower!

Kudos to you, Chief, for insisting on your own MASTER bathroom. I LOVE IT! I wish I could do the same here, but it would never fly. I get so sick of the pee everywhere.

Chief said...

supah - men will pee and poo anywhere. get him a bucket

Erin - same as Supah... get a bucket if you have to

glee said...

lol, to this post. i really agree. duh, i don't have kids yet, but i can imagine. oh, i do have a boyfriend who visits twice a year and stays with me for at least 2 weeks. so there's the clash of why not put down the toilet seat? but anyway, i guess i prefer i prefer that he puts up the toilet seat and forgets to put it back down than having me sit on the toilet seat with some urine left overs. huhu.

glee said...

btw girls, Creative Fashion is hosting a give away, a kin care worth $150 Cold Plasma. it ends on wednesday and very few people has participated yet, so there's big chance of winning. go check it out before it ends.

JennyMac said...

HAHAHA..this was the best laugh this morning. Chief = genius.

Anonymous said...

I say Good For You, Chief. Er . . . Master. Whatever . . .

In your case, I say having a bathroom to yourself is the ONLY way to go.

At my place, it's the kids/parents split. They can destroy their bathroom all they desire. Just stay out of our bathroom and we'll all get along fine . . .

CountessLaurie said...

I consider it a victory that I got him to put the seat down. But his turn will come. He is living with three girlys!!

Love the post!