Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I believe Sex can be used as a tool

Shelle Edited:  First of all... I still need more pictures of you guys and your awesome relationships!!!  If you don't know what I'm talking about click HERE.

Secondly, Chris is no stranger here... he wrote about his bout with depression right HERE.  But I still wanted to put in this edit, because he did a VLOG the other day, and well, he did some interpretive dance, and I think everyone should see it.  It's a 5 star must see.  Just make sure you don't have any liquids in your mouth before hand... Just sayin.

I was aimlessly perusing the blogosphere a few short weeks ago, trying to drum up something to write about. Since I’m not dedicated to any one particular subject, I scrolled through my list of blogs ranging on subjects from fatherhood to baseball to Kim Kardashian to movies to the highly addictive hobby of scab collecting. I came across this blog, the only one I visit regarding relationships, and was struck with excitement as Shelle was looking for contributing writers on a number of different subjects.

Since I look for as many legitimate opportunities I can to talk about sex and boobs (particularly my wife’s), I zeroed in on this subject.

By no means am I a “relationship expert” but I am a typical man full of testosterone and ready to drop everything (meaning my pants) at any moment, in any situation if it means I might be getting lucky.

So… without further adieu…

While I wish I was writing this about how, “I believe sex can be used as a tool to get what I want out of a relationship”, I’m going to be writing from the perspective of how it “can be used as a tool to get what she wants out of a relationship!”

I say this because I (and most men) cannot use sex to my advantage... that is, unless you’re Ryan Reynolds (lucky six-pack bastard). It just doesn’t work:

Me: Hey babe, can you pick me up a Red Bull on your way home from the grocery store?

My Wife: Well… I’m in a real big hurry and I don’t think I’m going to have time. I’m sorry.

Me: Okay… well… what if I let you touch my butt for a good five seconds?

My Wife: Uh… what?

Now let’s see what happens with the role reversed:

My Wife: Honey, I know we’re in the middle of a giant electrical thunderstorm but will you fix the lighting rod on top of the roof?

Me: Are you crazy? No! I could get electrocuted!

My Wife: If you go do it right now… I’ll have my naughty cop outfit on for you when you get in!

Me: Where’s my rain jacket?

Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’d be hard-pressed to think that most relationships have the “horny-male, not-as-horny-female” dynamic. From the time a guy turns thirteen, sex runs through his brain about every millisecond!

So… if you’re a woman, here’s an idea: exploit our weakness.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with using what you have to get what you want.

Now… I’m not promoting the idea of turning a relationship into a barter system 24/7 but I am saying if you want MORE of the little things done around the house (i.e. dishes, laundry, fixing the squeaky door) then they WILL get done by feeding a man’s sexual appetite.

I don’t know that I’m the only one that’s particularly privy to this information… all women are pretty familiar that a man’s brain pretty much revolves around sex all the time (and when I say “sex” I don’t just mean “the act of it”… but everything pertaining to it as well). But not many of you realize the shamelessness of using it to your advantage! Us men will shamelessly “cash that check” whenever given the opportunity!

So, if you can think of something creative… I think he’ll hang his clean laundry or take out the trash just a little bit faster than he did last week.

Papa K.


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Sorry about the late posting. I scheduled it last night, but for some reason it was in drafts when I checked it this morning!?

Anyway... As I don't agree with whitholding sex as a punishment to get what you want... I totally agree with offering sex as a tool to get what you both want.

I laughed so hard at the two scenarios!

I hope people go and watch your interpretive dance-- they need to at least hold out until you get to the part with the booty stall and then the shake... Executed perfectly of course :)

TisforTonya said...

okay, the scenarios cracked me up... because they're TRUE!

I will admit that I've maybe hinted that the sooner we get home the more time we'll have in bed when I'm sick of hiking... and that maybe I've done the dishes wearing a flimsy bathrobe to encourage him to offer a little help, which might have just become a hindrance... which maybe resulted in the dishes sitting overnight... but he DID do them for me in the morning, so it all worked out in the end right?

wendy said...

Ha Ha Ha...where is my rain jacket. That was dang funny.

I have a friend who told me that her mother used to make her father PAY for sex. That was how she got her spending money.
I was a little weirded out by that.
but whatever works eh.

I think a good negotiation can be helpful

but I am "easy".....
for you young'ins out as a senior is HOT

Anonymous said...

The dance was...different...yet hard to turn away from at the same time (quite frankly disturbing...:)

I love this post. And so incredibly true...

Steph said...

People always ask me why my husband is doing nice things for me. Buying me things. And just being awesome in general. Well it boils down to this. WE have lots and lots of sex. Not so I get stuff... but that is just a great natural consequence. Men like sex and in turn like the women that give it to them and in turn treat them like goddesses. It's pretty simple. And rewarding... and seriously ladies... (and guys too I guess) who doesn't like the big O?

Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

OK, that was good.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Stephanie-- good question... and now I must make an alter to your brilliance.

Now I have a question for PapaK... because this is what I do with my brain in my spare time... I think about posts I read.

So what about this scenario...

What if you have tickets to a Texas Rangers game... and a few days before your wife comes up to you and says there is this really important ... umm... girls night the exact same night. NO babysitters no anything... your only solution is one of you has to stay home to miss what you want to do that night...

Then... She offers you more than just one night of sex... she offers you multiple nights and multiple times for those nights...

Would you give up the Texas Rangers tickets... because let's be honest, you could easily get rid of them if you had to.

Okay and go...

and Andrea... it's true, his dancing is like watching a Train Wreck... :) hehehe

Steph said...

You are too sweet!

I want to take a stab at that question for PapaK. In that particular scenario I would tell my wife (remember I am a guy for a minute)that she can go to a GNO next time. Mostly because it sounds like she is bribing me. Maybe if she was giving it up freely before hand I would automatically cancel my plans. But if she has to bring up future sex plans that isn't the case. And she is a jerk. ;-)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Wait but wasn't she bribing him when she was asking him to get electrocuted???


I wonder how easy PapaK really is... the Texas Rangers is his little bit of an obsession :)

Nicole said...

I guess I'm the example of the gender role reversal. I'm the raging hormones, sex-on-the-brain spouse, with the husband that rarely initiates and often gives the "I have a headache" excuse. He's a pilot, and therefore gone over half the month. He is more likely to use sex as an incentive for me, to get what he wants done around the house; when I try he looks at me in exasperation. I try to remind myself that I'm lucky for his lower sex drive...I honestly know he'd never cheat on me with a flirty flight attendant. He'd much rather go to his hotel room, relax and watch tv...rarely ever does he go out with his crew. He knows he can get whatever he wants when he gets home. I just need to figure out what to do to keep my hormones in check. My OBGYN laughed in my face when I went in to talk to him...."You've got a really lucky husband."

Papa K said...

Okay... so my dancing is disturbing and a trainwreck, eh? Harumph. See if I try to make anyone laugh every again! :)

Alright. I WOULD DEF give up some Ranger tickets if we could negotiate what you mentioned. I might request some other things to happen during those trysts but overall... the order of things I love are: (1) Boobs (2) Pizooki desert from BJ's restaurant (3) baseball so the natural order of things would push be to spending a few nights in the sack with my wife as opposed to sitting at a baseball game.

Can you believe that!?

Although... if the tickets I had happened to be to a PLAYOFF or WORLD SERIES GAME... then there would have to be a WHOLE YEAR of sex at the drop of a hat (and my pants).

TisforTonya said...

sounds like Mama K gets anything she wants if she serves up Pizooki while wearing something scanty.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Nicole!!! You're so scandalous! That's why we get a long though. :)

PapaK- I had a feeling you would swing that way. But I had to ask. And let's be honest, your wife is hot so her combined with your love of boobs should have been my answer... But you'll soon learn I like to ask the obvious.

Now your dancing. If we were both single and at a dance club, let's say I would notice you--so train wreck is a total compliment. Well depending on where you stand. Because if I was ever at a club and there was music, all I focused on was myself, if I'm being completely honest. So club dancing was not a good way to pick up on guys for me, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed your awesome moves-the butt slap being my favorite!

Papa K said...

Wow. Pizooki ON MY WIFE!! Now if I could just get her to wear a sexy baseball girl outfit my head just might as well explode from overstimulation.

You know... my wife says I'm a great dancer! I don't really dance like that in "real life" and really don't dance that much period! I get a little embarressed in public situations. It's strange because I'm not all that up to dancing clubs or public situations but I will record it and post it on the World Wide Web for everyone and their dog to be able to view it!

Geez I'm fucked up.

Elaina said...

In my marriage, it's pretty equal. Sometimes I'm begging for it and he's too tired (he's in the Army. I'd be tired too if I had PT at 0500, so it's hard to blame him). Other times, if I've been folding clothes and chasing toddlers all day, he may be begging for it, and I'm pretty much "THERE IS NO WAY". But neither one of us withhold sex as a punishment, per se, we just want to make sure that we are both in the mood. It's hard to enjoy it if I'm just "doing it for him", and my knowledge of male biology tells me that his participation is required, so....he kinda has to be in the mood.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

PapaK- you could totally tell you were goof ballin which is why I had to link to it, because it was so funny.

I have no doubt you are an excellent dancer... But bedroom dancing doesn't count here :)

My life is more complete after viewing that video... Don't you think it isn't!

wendy said...

Well....spoken from once who doesn't have an ounce of rythm....awesome on the dance.

as good as some of those who tried out for So You Think You Can Dance.

Maybe more effective wearing a speedo????

Papa K said...

Hmmmmmmmm... a speedo... now there's an idea Wendy....

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Wendy! You would bring up the banana hammock!

Since your considering it, may I suggest the song, "I'm too sexy"?

If you don't like that song I can think of more.

Then we can submit it to Thunder Down Under... Can you do an Australian accent?

Big Fat Gini said...

Okay, first of all, any woman who denies herself or her husband baseball tickets (but specifically Rangers tickets!) automatically goes on my People to Hate List. I'd give my husband four BJ's in a single day for good seats to a Rangers game!

Now that that's out of the way...

Chris, so true. In this house, things go my way because like Steph, we have lots of sex. There's nothing wrong with flashing some T & A here and there or negotiating to get what you want. If both people are happy, I think it's great!

GoodWill said...

GREAT post, and I couldn't agree more.

In that 2nd scenario, I wouldn't have even stopped to get a raincoat...just straight up to the roof in the pouring rain w/o a thought.

And in reply to Gini (the post above mine)...4 BJ's in one day? Speaking for men everywhere, we should all chip in just so your husband could get that. I'm sure we can get you some great seats so he can get in on that deal!! lol...

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

GoodWill- hahahahahahaha welcome!

Hey so do you think we should add a donate button for Gini's hubs? Maybe a massage also for her mouth after that... Cause owie... Just sayin.