Thursday, August 26, 2010

IS there a ONE and ONLY?


Image taken from HERE
I am a 59 year old woman, married ------three times.

It was never my intention to be married three times. I was always a believer in Happy Ever After. I was an optomistic Pollyanna. Marriage turned out to be a journey for me. I have come full circle.

At present, I am married to my First Love. The one I met 41 years ago, lost my virginity to. I was 17 and he was almost 21. He wanted to marry me, proposed when I was 18, but because of religious differences my parents strongly objected. STRONGLY. I was not particularily the rebellious type, couldn't fight that battle, so we ended up seperating.

I went away to school, found someone who I thought "fit the bill" of what my parents wanted for me and I tried to convince myself that it was right. We were engaged 2 months after having met and married 2 months after that. I really didn't even KNOW the guy. On our wedding day, just before those vulnerable moments before saying "I Do", I was sick inside. I knew I was not in love.

I was in love with WANTING to BE in love again.

During the first 4 years of our marriage, I contacted my First Love (who for the rest of this post I will refer to as F.L.). He wanted me back, but I still wasn't ready for THAT challenge. I already had a child, was still trying to hang on to the possibility of Happy Ever After. I was afraid. So, we said goodbye....again.

I stayed married to #1 for 22 years and had 5 children who I wouldn't trade for the world. It wasn't that he was particularily a bad husband. I just could not for the life of me, find a way to Fall In Love with him. I prayed: "Please Lord, help me fall in love with my husband."

I knew as the children got older that I was becoming more miserable. I did not want to be alone with him. Felt empty. To wind things up a little here, I asked for a divorce. It was painful. It was ugly. It was a collapse of my Happy Ever After.

I had met someone else. I felt connected. I felt again that rush of being in love. I really wanted him. This man was 15 years younger then me. (there are pressures to being married to someone that much younger,.....another post perhaps)

We dated for two years before getting married. He had never been married before and it was only about a year into the marriage he had reservations if it would work, and considered leaving me. He was a little overwhelmed by my Big Family. But we made it through 13 years together. I was happy.

Then out of the blue, from nowhere, my F.L. found me, contacted me. He was able to do that because after my first divorce, I kept my maiden name. I remember thinking, What is going on here. After all this time, Is it possible NOW we are actually able to be together, or is this just some sick joke God is playing on me. Now I know God doesn't play sick jokes on people folks, but that is kinda what I was thinking. It was that traumatic.

All those feelings, loss and wanting of 41 years ago came flooding back. When he first emailed me, my body went literally numb. The next few months were hell. I still loved #2, but was consumed with the possibility that I could be back with F.L.

I went to see a therapist. I needed a clear head.

Now I have to tell you that F.L.'s journey had been much the same as mine. He married a girl older then him......she already had children. They had none together. It ended badly. He had several other relationships over the years and swore he'd never marry again. He said he was never able to find what he and I had all those years ago. He tried, but couldn't find it.

I ended up telling #2 about all of this. He told me to go and meet F.L. and see how we felt about each other. He didn't want to live in someone elses shadow and have me think over the years "I wonder, what if, I should have".

He quoted to me that old saying "If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you, it was meant to be."

But I didn't....come back. A year ago June I flew up to Canada to meet F.L. We both still felt strongly towards each other. We cried. We felt like maybe NOW, fate was in our corner. We could be together.

I went home and told #2 my decision. We cried.

So here I am, in the last stages of my life, back with the man where it all began. A destiny fulfilled??

It has not been easy. There is still pain. In fact, I will always love #2, but there was something so deep within me I was compelled to make that hard decision.

So here is my question for you. IS THERE A ONE AND ONLY?

I saw on a tv show awhile ago where they were talking about re-connections, first loves, that sort of thing. They referred to it as a type of Imprinting having taken place.

It raises the question, do we have a soul mate? F.L. told me he felt within himself he could only love once, and that love had been me. He was never able to really duplicate it.

If God or some Mythical Marriage Magi were to give me another chance.....another opportunity for a choice. You may pick either #1, #2 or get one more chance.

I would pick #3......F.L. I am still going through stages of emotionally releasing myself from #2.

I believe there are different depths of love.

Is everything perfect. No. But we are blissfully in love. I think I did have a ONE AND ONLY.

What do you think? Do you believe there is just a one and only for everyone? Tell us your opinion.



Elaina said...

No, I don't think that there's such a thing as a one and only. I think that there are many potential "the ones" out there.

And, I don't at all want to be judgmental or rude, but I feel that you may have been unfair to your second husband. Why not contact your teenage boyfriend after the first divorce? Again, I am trying very hard not to be judgmental, but I feel as though you perhaps treated your second marriage rather cavalierly, when it seems that the experience of your first marriage should have matured you to a point where you realized the seriousness of the commitment of marriage. My apologies if I'm overstepping my bounds here.

However, I am truly happy to hear that you are happy, and have found love.

Anonymous said...

Hmm . . .

One True Love.

I don't think so. So many lives. So many possibilities. And we do our part to make each one what we want it to be. Some click, and others fall short, because once you add a second, unpredictable party to the mix, then chaos generally ensues. And what glorious chaos it is, no?

But memory can trick us. First love has a strong hold, and it is oftentimes unrelenting.

Interesting food for thought today. Glad you are here and started the conversation . . .

Anonymous said...

That's wonderful to hear that you are finally truly happy, in love and able to be with that specific person.

I believe, and have for some time now, that people can love more than one person at a time. There are people who disagree with me, and I believe they just haven't met that other person yet (and may never meet them).

Good post Wendy.

nitebyrd said...

Maybe for some there is a "one and only" but not for me. I just don't believe that one person can fill another's every desire.

I agree with you that there are different levels of love. I think that we are capable of loving more that one person in equal yet different ways.

It's really wonderful that you found your FL and that the feelings were still there. That's a beautiful thing!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Alex!!! I love your new avatar! Cute Cute!

One and Only?

I know I found someone that is my One and Only... but I chose him. I keep him in my heart that way. But it was a choice.

If I would have chosen someone else, I would have committed that person to being my One and Only.

I work every day to make him stay that person in my life.

But do I believe that if I hadn't found HIM that I wouldn't have found love? Or found someone that I felt was destined for me?


For me, it's all in the choice.

Like Wendy said, especially with the religion she mentions. It's hard, and their are expectations, and she made the choice that many do--there is pressure. But she wasn't committed to him in her heart--she married for other people and not for herself.

As she said with the second marriage... it was a mutual decision to go and meet her F.L.--and that was a big step made by him and a selfless step... but like HIM, why would you want to live with someone who put you second, knowing they are putting you second? It would have been more unfair that way, in my Humble Opinion.

Wendy was open and honest with #2--and although they ended up separating and her connecting with her F.L. to marry me it seems it was hard on them both, but a decision they both agreed was best.

I'm happy for you Wendy. I'm glad you got to have back what a lot of people never find in their whole life.

Love ya girl!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Next time I should just write a book and publish it... holy heck... what is it with me and long comments lately?

Elaina said...

I think a lot of people may still be carrying a small torch for a former love, but I think that part of being married is accepting that it won't happen, that you are committed to the person that you married.

Having said that, though, I've never been in a situation like that. I dated before I met my husband, but he was my first love, so this isn't something that I'm familiar with.

wendy said... worries, I don't hold your comments as judgmental. I think the purpose of this blog site is to try and understand all the complex feelings and opinions out there.

sometimes it is hard....on many understand anothers view point as we havent' "walked in their shoes" as the saying goes.

I certainly did not mean to treat #2 cavalierly....I think, after he and I have kept in contact a little this past year.....we were bonded as deep friends, more then deep spousal love....that was what he said to me. We were so comfortable with each other that it fell "good enough".

the reason I did not contact F.L. after my first divorce was I had 5 kids, and felt he was LONG gone. I didn't want to know that HE was happily married.

I do think there are many many forms of love. I sometimes wonder at my deep obsession with F.L......perhaps I needed more therapy then I think (tee,hee)

BUT, life throws us many curve balls. I am just so envious of those of you who found the ONE your first time around....whether you thought He/She was the ONE or not, if your still together....treat it as so,
like Shelle said

UP said...

My parents have been married for 71 years next month...they found their one and only...everyone can!


wendy said...

My parents have just celebrated UP, 71. amazing.
I would have loved that. But I would have wanted it to be because I really loved and cherished that person.
or......maybe good ol' commitment is just as it should be.
another you stick it out no matter what.
there are good reasons to do that

but I couldn't
(do any of you know a good therapist , tee,hee)
I. am. happy.
I am hoping for at least 20 years together....hubby is 62 right now.

Becky Andrews said...

Wendy - how fun to read your post here. I know that I am married to what seems like my one and only for the past 26 years and look forward to forever. My life is complete with him. If I wasn't in that position, I may feel differently. Maybe sappy but, I wish for everyone to be in a happy relationship.

Meeko Fabulous said...

I don't believe in a "one". Anyone can be the "one". You just have to work toward it. :)

Becky Andrews said...

Meeko - interesting comment. I must say I respectfully disagree that anyone can be the 'one'.

Elaina said...

Yeah, I don't think that literally just anyone could be "the one", but I do think that that many, many people could be.

When we are born, we all have the potential to be many things. It is our circumstances and our choices that shape who we will become, and a large part of who we fall in love with is who we are ourselves. Since the personality that we could develop is limitless, so is the potential pool of people we could fall in love with.

Elaina said...

Yeah, I don't think that literally just anyone could be "the one", but I do think that that many, many people could be.

When we are born, we all have the potential to be many things. It is our circumstances and our choices that shape who we will become, and a large part of who we fall in love with is who we are ourselves. Since the personality that we could develop is limitless, so is the potential pool of people we could fall in love with.

wendy said...

Hmmm, good thoughts. We do grow and change over the years. Sometimes we learn to "become" what our circumstance NEED us to become.
sometimes it is survival skills
sometimes it is just learning to be happy with the situation is because we just dont' have the strength to make those changes and suffer the consequences that go with it

Love carefuly and then fully

Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

Wendy, you told me your story over a year ago and it still makes me happy and shivery for you still.

One and only? Mmmmm, not sure. I feel that I have my one and only and that we were meant to be together, but I think you always ALWAYS have to work at it.
We've had ups and downs and it's been worth it.

I know so many dear friends that live lives of quiet desparation and exist together.
I'm grateful every day it's not that way for me OR you.

Jack Steiner said...

Reminds me a bit of a post I wrote called Dancing in the Fire. Anyway, I think that there has to be more than one person we can truly love in the manner you describe.

Sometimes circumstances get in the way.

TisforTonya said...

a one and only... hmmm... I just don't buy it for me... maybe that IS how it works for other people, but I have to believe that our choices and our determination to make something work affect the outcome.

I heard growing up that any two people who were committed to making it work COULD make it work... I'm not sure I'd go that far, but there is some truth in it...

~DokterKenny said...

I am bothered by the fact that F.L. is in Canada and could actually be Canadian. It is well know fact that most Canadians will prey on well meaning Americans in order to gain citizenship, and once that is done your body will be replaced with a Canadian that resembles you in every way.

it starts out innocent enough with conversations that all end in the word "eh" enjoyed over a cold Mooshead beer and a game of hockey. The next thing you know you are all excited about socialized medicine and memorizing the lyrics to Au Canada. When that happens its all over.

So when your body is some deflated skin suit on the basement floor and your replacement is being birthed from a pod in your bathroom, don't say you weren't warned!

Anonymous said...

I loved reading this. your blog is amazing!