Friday, April 30, 2010

Talking about sex

What is your opinion about talking about sex with friends outside of your marriage?

I find that being able to compare my experience with that of a trusted close friend helps me feel validated in ways a man simply can't. It also focuses my attention on sex with my husband, and therefore I'm much more interested in actually engaging in sexual activities. I've gotten new ideas to spice up our sex life, and have learned to look at certain issues in new ways, which has helped me relax and enjoy sex more than ever before.

My husband feels incredibly threatened by the idea that would I share info about our sex life with anyone else. He believes that our experiences together should be kept just between us.

I've tried it his way -- and having a gag order placed on me completely kills my sex drive. He is miserable if he knows I am talking to my bff about private things. This puts a serious strain on our relationship. How do we resolve this impasse? For now, we're doing things his way, but I am having a hard time being censored and our relationship is just getting worse.

What do you think? What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom? Where do you put your boundaries about what is and isn't ok to talk about outside of your marriage?


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

My husband doesn't mind if it's a girlfriend, but he is really picky about me talking about I'd with a guy friend!? :)

I think you have to definitely talk about it. If he's smart he'd understand you need that girl talk that it is your viagra ;)

I totally know what you mean though. There are things I that he would want to try and I would shut them down, until one of my girlfriends would enlighten me and I'd be like, "hey! That doesn't seem so bad"

Homer and Queen said...

I talk openly about sex because it was such a taboo subject when I was growing up. But the dirty little secrets are saved for the bff.

I'm with Shelle,it helps to find out what friends have tried and if I would be willing to do it. My hubby doesn't love the fact that I talk to friends but doesn't really complain about it because he knows it benefits him in the long run.

I love sex but too many women seriously hate it so he does appreciate that. But we are old people and he knows by now he can't shut me up!

615sWife said...

Sex is something me and my close friends always talk about all the time!! Your husband might be thinking that you are telling your friends that is not good or something on those lines. I know this may be out of line but you dont have to tell him what you and you bff talk about. I dont tell my hubby everything that me and my girls talk about ( but he also doesnt really care what we talk)
Women can talk to each other on another level about sex then you can with you hubby, you can asked your bff questions with out them thinking they are doing something wrong if that makes any sense.

Hope everyhting works out!

Southern Sage said...

I'm for it! I'm for her doing it or me and her talking about it or a whole group or whatever. If it gets me more then I am for it. Working on 21 times a week, that is my goal. If she can talk to her friends between those times and that gets her all squirmy feeling then I am for it.

You can train the fellow if you'd like. It would be very very simple.

Southern Sage said...

You could also ask him if you could set up an anonymous blog and blog it for feedback.

His problem might be with who you are telling.

Alex said...

My husband and I are ok with these things. He has no problem with me talking to my BFF (a woman) about our sex life. Just as, I have no problem with him talking to his BFF (a man) about our sex life.

If I want to talk to someone else about things, than I ask my husband if it's alright to do so. 9 times out of 10 he's ok with it. He really doesn't care. But that rare 1 time that he does mind, I don't do it. I'd rather feel "censored" then dispresct my husband's wishes.

Like Shelle said, this is something you need to discuss with him. But respect his feelings. He also needs to respect yours.

heelsnstocking said...

well if he was proud of his performance and knew were satisfied he should stand proud and be pleased you want to talk. He obviously thinks its going to be a bad talk.

Id suggest he must try harder to make sure you big him up!

BabyMan said...

Sometimes (macho sniff) I'll tease SugarAnne with "go on, tell all your friends how miserable you are that a quickie is 30 minutes" (macho sniff). ;-)

IMO, she probably doesn't talk about it with friends enough. But I would draw the line at discussing it with men.

Playfully Yours said...

I am incredibly picky about what I talk about with certain people.
I can admit that if I didn't talk about SEX or things about it I would not have learned a ton of things to share, consider, or even try. Hell haven't you watched a porn and thought damn that's hot and want to try it??? I mean its the same thing.

I think it may be who you are talking to like Sage said. Maybe he is afraid that it is all bad stuff but it boils down to communication period.

Elle said...

I'm late to this party, and I was going to suggest what Sage suggested: write an anonymous blog! It might not bother him as much, knowing no one will know who you are.

I have to admit I've never really checked with my boyfriend to see what I could talk about with my friends, but it's not really something I do much, anyway. Being into kink when most of your friends aren't, you don't really talk about the details, and that's where my blog comes in handy!

As for him, I don't really care what he talks about with his friends. I trust him to be respectful, and I tend to think that if he talks about it, it's because he needs it - like you. Besides, boys will be boys, right?