Friday, May 29, 2009

Back to the Future

I know I am not the only one, so I better get some serious great (and LOTS of) comments for this one. Unless, of course, I am the only one, in which case I'm retarded...

I was sitting thinking tonight, which is always dangerous, about my relationship with Hubby. After reading Crash's posting last week about going green I had to stop and take stock of my marriage. Really, it was a great post about jealousy.

Thought my few moments of deep reflection (because I don't like to delve too deep in an endless abyss of depression and memories) I realize one of the main reasons why I have a hard time with trust.

Growing up (well, really I am talking more my teen years to early 20's I dated. I was not a dating hussy, but I did date quite a few guys. Well, let me rephrase. I dated more than most of my siblings. But, I did like to get into a little more of a relationship every so often so I could really connect with someone. And by connect I mean having someone to make-out with seriously! More often than not the relationship would end by the guy finding someone else a little more interesting. Sad thing is that most of those times it was with my friends. Yup, the guy would dump me for one of MY friends that I introduced him to. Nice, eh?

In particular, there was one guy, in my early 20's- the college years. I was actually engaged to the guy for about 6 months. That is considered like 10 years at the college I attended. Anyhow, I found out, by chance, that he was dating another girl that I knew, on the sly. Yup, nice commitment-phobic SOB! I left him that night (after finding out) and considered up over. He showed up a few days later thinking he had made a bad mistake and wanting to get back together. Ummm, the smart girl in my head said RUN! The dummy that I am actually accepted this as an apology (although the words "I'm Sorry" were NEVER said). A few more months and he was off to serve a religious mission for 2 years. Then, the strangest thing happened... NOTHING. Nothing happened. No letters, packages, emails, NOTHING. When he finally returned home it was with another girlfriend- whom he had met in South America. Nice, don't you think. And, now he is married to her with at least 2 kids (that's all I know since I don't keep in touch with his family anymore).

Now here is why this relationship (and a few others) ruined me. I don't trust men. I try, or at least I think I do. But I am always afraid there is going to be some monster jumping out of the closet in the form of some drop-dead-gorgeous hussy that is going to take Hubby away from me. I know I need to trust him. He and I have talked about this. He knows, but I feel bad that he has to reassure me that he is not going anywhere.

Do you have relationships that tainted the way you feel about your current relationship? Is this most often in women or do men have this happen too? How am I going to get over this?

Julie at Youngblood4Ever


Missy said...

I actually had a hussy try to steal my hubby (before we were married) away from me. She was a serious ho. We all worked together, and she would elude to how much she liked to give hummers. I mean serious ho!
Luckily for me, she was dumb as a box of rocks, and hubby was able to steer clear of her. But I do worry, that someone younger, and prettier, with no kids, who has more time and energy for sex, will try to snap him up.
I have caught many a man in a lie, but that is not skews my view on relationships. It's other women. As much as I hate to admit it, other women can be brutal.

Unknown said...

I was previously engaged for 6 months as well. I found out he preferred partying it up with his college friends (I worked 50 hours a week) and incidentally other girls.

I dated one guy whose last girlfriend left him so broken he was in therapy and on meds (found that out after a month, lol), I dated a guy 9 years older than me who was embarrassed to introduce me to his friends because of our age difference.

No, I've got no trust issues at all!

I trust my hubby even though he's about to spend the next 5 months living here (sharing a place with his female co-worker and our friend) while the kids and are living in Philly. But I trust him. I (jokingly) say if I caught him cheating he'd get the kids in the divorce. That keeps him committed! lol!

TisforTonya said...

It took me awhile after "The Tainting" to trust guys... luckily my hub came along and taught me that not all guys are compulsive liars who think that 3 or 4 girlfriends at the same time is a good idea...

If I could go back in time and change it all... I probably would - but since that whole space time continuum thing (sci-fi geek alert) I have to just think that I am more grateful for my wonderful man than I would have been otherwise. Not enough to send a thank you card to the jerk... but I'l take what I can get!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

YOu know what? I don't think guys get that as bad as women do... and I say that because guys don't base anything on emotion.

We remember what it FEELS like...

We fear that feeling... the remorse and destitution that comes with realizing that you weren't good enough for HIM...

Only that isn't really the case...

Some guys and girls just aren't satisfied with ONE person... so they jump around, it's never usually anything you can control

I say... the guy or guys that cheated on you just prepared you to see the signs of what that personality is and you probably avoided it in the future... which is why you should trust that your MAN won't cheat on you... cause you have to trust yourself that you chose right.

I had a guy cheat on me... I told him as soon as I found out that I never wanted him calling me or contacting me again... he chose this not me.

He called and came over... and I wouldn't see him... as hard as it was, time heals everything! He was extremely hot looks and personality... so I couldn't have contact with him or I would have budged.

BUT... after that, if a guy was remotely similar in the way he talked to me or tried to charm me... I would steer away from them. My husband is a charmer... but in a totally that-is-just-who-he-is sort of way.

I promise... you just have to let go and trust... you may get hurt, but unfortunately that is'll live a less burdened life if you just let life take its course.

SOrry for the novel!

MakingChanges said...

Missy- I totally agree. There is a friend of Hubby's from HS that was totally in love with him back then, but he only felt friendship. At his 10 year reunion she followed him around and tried to hook up with him (even though she was married too). We have had to nix that friendship because I couldn't handle how she looked at him IN MY HOUSE! Seriously, girls need to get a clue!

Andrea- Threatening with him having the kids wouldn't really do it for me. Although I do think that is a fabulous idea. He is a great guy, and I just have to trust him, I KNOW!

T- I have not read "The Tainting" story. Oh, do tell. I didn't go into great detail about my issues in this post, but there is so much more that happened with this guy. Oh, and I was totally following you on the space time continuum (we watched Back to the Future yesterday).

Shelle- thanks for the novel. No prob there. That is one of the reasons I love this blog. So many people to give help in relationships for good or funny. It really is helpful. Yes, I chose Hubby, and he really is nothing my ex. But I worry if I am going to be enough for him because I have never been enough for anyone else. I am working on it, though.

Missty said...

Previous relationships of mine haven't created problems of trust for me. But a lady that use to work for my husband created some problems. UGH! She adored my husband and always let me know, by saying things like if he was single... Or he is my best friend. Or to bad he is married. Or how incredible it was that he went out and bought HER an ice cream. Deal was she didn't mention he bought all the girls ice creams one day when the a/c was off in July.
He has about 15 girls that work for him, I have never had issues with any of them, but this one. I just didn't trust her. Trusted my husband, but not her, does that make sense?? lol

Unfortunatly Matt is the one who has had to feel the pain of my jealous feeling about her. Thank goodness she is now gone from the company!! If anything is good about a slow economy it was laying her off!!! LOL ;o)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Youngblood, I was tainted too. You are not alone. I already had trust issues because of my dad, but then there was a previous girlfriend of my hubs that gave me so much grief. I had dreams that I was beating her and my hub up for years, even after we got married. It took me so long to get over the same issues you described. I'm not innocent either. We are all fragile and have to constantly look to our relationships. Nurture nurture nurture.

Thanks for being so honest.

Susan said...

I totally could write an essay in this, but won't! You are so not alone.

My solution and only way I escaped the worst of it: my amazing therapist... Seriously. It's worth the $20 copay.

And by the way, as wonderful it is being in a safe, healthy relationship, it's only normal for your feelings of trust (or distrust for that matter) to creep back in.