Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Jealous Again

Today we have another great Male Blogger!  They are just coming out of the wordwork aren't they? He goes by Daddy Geek Boy with a blog of the same name.  A husband, dad to the Bean and Sprout, he's a hard working self professed geek. Over at Daddy Geek Boy the topics are dished up with a daily dose of humor and reality.  Please leave him some comment love on his topic below and be sure to visit his own page for more insight.

When first dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, I noticed a strange pattern when it came to her male friends.  Every guy that was in her life, she had once dated.  (In order to avoid painting her as a harlot or something, it must be said that there were not a large number of guy friends in her life.)  This never bothered me.  In fact, there was something oddly amusing about it. 

We invited one of these guy friends to our wedding, but he didn’t come.  In fact, my wife hasn’t heard from him since the invitation was mailed.  A little while before, the guy had met a girl, who apparently did not like the fact that her boyfriend was still friendly with a woman he used to date.  Despite the guy’s denial about this situation, contact between he and my wife dried up.  We never even got an RSVP to our wedding.  

In a similar instance, I once found myself curiously absent from the invite list of a couple with whom I was friends.  I have no concrete reason why, but the common theory among our circle of friends is that I was shunned because of a brief fling I had with the wife years ago.  It took place long before they even met.  In fact, calling it a “brief fling” gives it more significance than it had for either of us.  Even though I have been happily married to WonderWife™ for the entire time this guy has known me, for some reason he found my very existence, and the knowledge of my past with his wife, to be threatening.  

I find this behavior very hard to understand.  

I am totally secure in my relationship.  There is deep trust between my wife and me.  I couldn’t imagine being in any kind of long-term relationship without it.  So who cares that she used to have a relationship with her best guy friend?  That was in the past.  In the present, she picked me.  She married me. (In fact, that dude is a really great guy and has become my friend also.  WW™ and I happily danced at his wedding.)  

If you’re comfortable that you’re with the person you’re supposed to be with, their past shouldn’t matter.  Now I’m not talking about unrequited love, which does exist.  But unless spending the evenings wistfully staring out the window at a moonlit night while clutching the ex’s picture, chances are they’ve moved on.  Despite this, I know men and women who just can’t get past the fact knowing somebody that their partner has been with.  

If you’re currently happy, then the past should be celebrated.  It’s what got you to where you are now.  Really, how much energy should be spent being jealous about exes?  Do they really think there’s a danger in rekindling whatever brought them together in the first place?  These are relationships that didn’t work out.  They’re probably the safest people for your partner to be around.  If I’m going to try to avoid being hit by lightening, I’m going to be close to the guy who’s already been struck, cause chances are it’s not going to happen to him twice.  

So what do you think?  Are you the jealous type?  If so, why?  

Daddy Geek Boy


K said...

My feeling has always drifted in the direction of being thankful to the people my husband and I dated before we met each other. Each person, each experience shaped us into who we were when we met and who we are today. I learned a lot from the men I dated before I met my husband, and am grateful for those experiences. I'm not jealous of the women my husband dated in the past (maybe a little angry with some who hurt him), but I am glad that the relationships didn't work out so I could snag him! If I met any of the women today I think I'd be curious more than anything.

Anonymous said...

I would like to think I am not jealous but... I don't think I could be objective. I had a great guy friend in college who was interested in more than friendship while I was not but we managed to keep to friends. When I found a boyfriend it wasn't so easy to stay friends. The boyfriend said he was very uncomfortable with the friend so after some thought I said goodbye to the friend.

A shame really he would have lasted far longer than the boyfriend did!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay I'm so right there with you on this one!!! Honestly... I always say, it's THERE loss... I'm the one that got him in the end!

My husband works with his ex-girlfriend... use to be in the same building... the one he MOURNED over for a few months.

But it doesn't phase me... sure its GREAT teasing leverage, but I'd totally hang out with her and her husband if they would hang out with us. But they won't.

Oh and my husband gets HIT on at least a few time a week and I can only verify that by when I'm with him... who knows when I'm not!!!

I'm not going to lie... I kind of like when other women appreciate the hottie I bagged! hehe! :)

Anyway...I don't get jealous... not really... I don't know why that is. I think for my marriage it is because I'm completely confident in it... I love what we have and I totally trust him!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

THEIR not THERE loss... UGH!

The Blonde Duck said...

My husband is very old-fashioned. He doesn't have close female friends and I don't have close male friends. In the past, I had all male friends. But when I became engaged, they suddenly disappeared, for it was clear they were more interested in the possible opportunity to date me than simply be a friend.

SciFi Dad said...

Dude, my wedding guest list featured not one, not two, but THREE ex boyfriends. (Sure, one of them became a family friend after their summer fling, and one was married to a female friend, and the third was engaged to a dorm mate from college, but still: THREE!)

At least one of us had the sense to leave a path of destruction in their relationship wake.

All kidding aside, we live near where she went to high school, and her circle of friends was one of those incestuous dating circles where everyone dated everyone (think 90210 north). So, whenever "the old gang" gets together, there are at least two or three men there whose lips she touched for extended periods of time.

Does it bother me? Nope. She had my kids. (Well arguably... with near-black hair and eyes, someone needs to 'splain why both kids are blonde/blue.)

Anonymous said...

I'm in a relationship where we tell each other anything and it's fabulous. I can be sitting at a bar with friends and the boyfriend and any crazy story about my past may come up and if he doesnt already know about it, he'll laugh alongside my friends and I. The most common situation though is, "oh lord. I've heard this one before" I love it. No awkward moments, not weird "we-can't-talk-about-that-when-the-boyfriend's-here" hand signals necessary!

He is a confident man sure of his relationship. We can even go out dancing and when I dance with another guy (with respect of course, no booty grinding or any of that) I can come back and tell him any silly line the guy tried on me and we can laugh about that too.

I'm dating my best friend. My best friend and I play naked together. What could be better than that? ;0)

TisforTonya said...

I'm not jealous at ALL of exes... we ran into one of his exes while we were dating and if anything I just felt sorry for her... at least that kept me from going all nanny nanny boo boo on her there in front of the Gap right?

Pretty sure the ManOfTheHouse doesn't have ex-jealousy issues... he certainly has no reason to - hello, found the best, and the others... well, some have remained friends, some I would rather they just stay FAR away, some have decided they're gay, and thanks to facebook I get presented with this lovely information all the time :)

Steph said...

Isn't it awesome to be with someone who you love and trust?

We live in the same town where my husband I grew up, and like SciFi Dad, my husband's crowd was a southern version of 90210 at times. We cannot go anywhere without him knowing someone, most times a girl, and although we tease each other at times, we don't care about who we were with in the past because it's the here and now that we're interested in.

TentCamper said...

I agree with you...for the most part. I would not be jealous of an ex relationship at all...the only thing that I'd be wary of would be one of those no strings, casual, FB (not face book) people...but then again it would depend.

I know that we are both happily together and that neither one of us would stray...unless the relationship were falling apart ...or over. (or, unless we strayed together!!)

All-in-all, I don't feel that I am the jealous type and would not have any issue with her being friends with any guys...as long as it is all out in the open and he is not hidden from me.

Cameron said...

Bravo!! Well written, Daddy Geek Boy. Jealousy takes way too much energy, and I need that energy to someday rule the world [insert maniacal laughter here].

MakingChanges said...

I had a really hard time right after Hubby and I got married because we lived in the town he grew up in. We ran into old girlfriends OFTEN. He was quite the dating-man in his day! I would look at the drop-dead gorgeous ladies and wonder WHY DID HE CHOOSE ME??? Well, I am jealous, often, but I did come to the conclusion- HE CHOSE ME! Really, he did. There was no blackmail, no threatening of bodily harm, nothing but his own choice and he did choose me. So, I have tried to let that go- hold onto the one that decided to be mine.

Love the post!

DGB said...

Bravo to the other non-jealous souls out there!

My wife is dying to run into one of my exes. "The Ex"...my former fiancee. Though she lives cross country and it's unlikely it'll happen.

wendy said...

Good artical ---I think it is cool if you can still be friends. My son had a girlfriend all through high school, and she and he were "tight"---but my son ended up marrying someone else and ironically son's wife and this girlfriend "hang out together". they are fine ---both happy with their new lives.

Jodie said...

Honestly, the only person that I am jealous of (maybe insecure is a better word) is my husbands ex-wife. And I think the only reason I am insecure when it comes to her, is that they have a child together and she was his first wife. Now one of my husbands ex girlfriends actually married his cousin. So, we see her all the time at family functions and there is no jealousy there. Although, it is always nice to tease him about it.!

BonBon Rose Girls Kristin said...

I was jealous with my ex because he gave me reason to be. The hubs makes me feel secure and loved every day and I've never been jealous for a moment with him! Well maybe for a teeny weeny moment when I saw a pic of his drop dead gorgeous ex. Ha ha.

DGB said...

Jodie..I don't blame you about being jealous of that ex.

Kristin...Doesn't matter what his ex looks like, you won!