Guest Post-SCIFI Dad

SciFi Dad has his own blog where he talks about his two children and his wife who he calls MultiTaskingMommy or (MTM)... He's funny, witty, and sometimes downright to honest. But he's always interesting and so is his writing! I'm so happy that he decided to write a guest post on our site... we are humbled! Enjoy guys, it's a good one... it might just make you laugh! :)

This the story of the first time I stayed at my in-laws' cottage, which is also the first time I met them for more than two minutes in a doorway.

It was the August long weekend. I had met my wife the previous June, so we had been together for a couple of months. We drove up in her car since I did not know the way (and believe me, it is no easy task to find this place). This allowed me to keep a close eye on what I had believed would be my saving grace that weekend: my cell phone. You see, my wife explained to me that I could not, under any circumstances go out wandering in the bush by myself. I shrugged it off and said that I'd have my cell phone with me and if I got lost I could just call for help. For the last thirty minutes of the drive, my cell phone said two words to me, over and over, "No Signal". It was around this time I started to hear the banjos from Deliverance in my head.

We rolled down the dirt road (that was a far more of an uncomfortable slope than I was used to) and approached the building. I can call it a building because the place is bigger than the house my parents raised three kids in. I would later learn it stands as a testament to how far one man will go to convince his wife to live in the middle of nowhere for their retirement. (Aside: they are never moving up there full time.) It was beautiful. It was scenic. It was picturesque. Of course, I have to take my wife's word for all that - I was still staring at my cell phone and realizing that there was a definite chance my future FIL could kill me and dispose of the body and no one would ever know.

You have to understand something about SciFi Dad. I grew up in the city. I mean, the real city. My parents' house isn't really located in a suburb, just a residential area of a city. And we were across the border from a very big city - one that was the murder capital for a while. Going there was my idea of adventure, not running into the woods and hoping nothing ate me. Crazy people shoot at you for a reason; animals just eat you because you're fleshy and slow moving.

Once I came to terms with the fact that I was completely dependent on my wife for the weekend, and that without her I would surely die (because we both knew if I wasn't with her my inlaws would have left me out in the bush to be eaten by the fishers) we went inside.

A few events stand out from that first weekend. I'll never forget that my wife, in an effort to force us to bond, left her father and I to make up the futons for us to sleep on while she went to get ready for bed. This allowed the following to happen:

FIL: "So should I make up one bed or two?"

Me: "Uh, two, sir."

"Because I know you don't have two bedrooms at your apartment."

Silence. Awkward, painful, silence.

"So two beds then."

"Yes sir."

If my memory serves me correctly, I did not allow my wife to use the bathroom by herself the rest of the weekend.

The next wonderfully fun anecdote from that weekend came the next morning. I awoke to learn that my snoring had kept.everyone.awake. So now on top of being the asshole who was sharing a bed with their daughter, I was also the guy who kept everyone up all night. Nice. I slept the last two nights on the screened in porch on an air mattress. From the vantage point of the present, the only solace I have in looking back at that story is that now my MIL sleeps on the same air mattress in our office whenever they stay at our place.

And to put a foul smelling cherry on the whole experience, the septic tank began to leak. It wasn't full (the cottage was only a couple of years old) but something went wrong and there was a brown hole on the property with a less than amiable smell emanating from it. And since it was August and there was no a/c, the windows remained open.

To recap:

• city boy in the woods
• unflappable thoughts of Deliverance
• "One bed or two?"
• sleeping on the porch
• warm air + septic problems

and I still married her... does that give you a sense of how amazing that woman is?

What about you? How did the first time you met your future spouse's parents go? (Go ahead and say it: "Not as bad as yours." I know most (all?) of you will.)

SciFi Dad

Missy Talks About Sex part 3

Wrapping up my discussion on sex and making it work for our marriage.



Let's Talk About Sex Part 3

Starting out small

Wives-Your husband wants more sex. Chances are you want to be having more sex with your husband. What are you going to do about it? Try to take note of the things that are getting in the way of it. If you feel a headache coming after dinner, do something to ward it off. Take an aspirin, take a shower. Whatever it is that helps you.

If your children have stressed you out by dinner time, set up the hour before dinner as quiet reading time. Put your foot down, and don't take no for an answer.

Is there something your husband could do to help your mood? Tell him about it.

Truly just not feeling arousable as though nothing could get you in the mood. Figure out what will, and partake in it. Do romantic movies leave you feeling like you want to make love to your husband? Maybe some erotic stories will help. They sell them at all the book stores.

Figure out what is standing in the way of your sex life and move it!

Husbands-Your wife loves you and wants to make you happy. Take a step back and try to observe her life. Don't bring up the subject of sex in words. Take note of what is going on in your house when your wife Does want to have sex.

Did you cook on the grill and use paper plates, so that there is no mess in the kitchen? Did your kids go to bed without a fight? Are all the bills paid? Maybe it was something as simple as bringing her her favorite candy bar, telling her she is beautiful. Did she overhear you tell your buddy how great of a mother she is? Did you spend time together doing something fun?

Maybe she doesn't even realize what "puts her in the mood". Are you going to be her knight in shining armor and figure it out for yourself?

I am no expert in the subject, aside from being a wife to a husband who wants more sex. I realized that I wanted more sex with my husband, but by the time we got around to it, I didn't want it anymore. Then I decided to figure out why. Fixing the problem(s) was easy, once I knew what they were.

Some of the problems holding us back were easier to fix than others.

Getting him to stop bugging me, about the sex.

Remodeling our house so that it feels more like a home. (Still working on that, but the closer we get, the more sex I want!)

When I realized the mess in my kids room was stressing me out, I moved them around. I put their bunks back together in 1 room. Put all the toys in the other, call it a playroom and shut the door when I don't want to look at it.

The baby turned 5 this year, and will go into kindergarten in the fall. I am not nearly as stressed out and tired as I was when my kids were younger. That helps.

Doing things that I love; sewing, writing a book. I can't explain how, I just know that it helps.

Taking back control of my household from my kids. They know if they continue to fight, they might just get put to bed early.

Then there are the problems that took honest hard work.

Fighting used to be a weekly (if not more) event for us. It took me a long time to realize the problems weren't what we were fighting about. I also realized his anger wasn't mine to fix. We were separated for a while. And while faced with loosing his wife and 2 little girls he decided to seek counseling.

We are in a much better place now. I am sorry it took so long to get here. We still fight. But I can count on 1 hand the number of fights we have in a year.

My husband and I have a great sex life. We have more sex than most couples, though he doesn't always agree. We are not the same people we were when we first got married. We have evolved into grown-ups, as scary as that sounds, and we appreciate each other.

Missy

Life in Left Field

I love to tease my man

Yesterday was all about flirting.... which I am. But I am also a tease! What is a tease, its a step above flirting, a little more provocative or risque you know to Tantalize. But only with my husband.

Why not its fun. I LOVE to tease my husband. I like to send him a little sex texting every now and then. Or maybe a provocative picture... you know the ones.

Sometimes I can be a bit risqué, but he LOVES it. What guy doesn’t want to hear that his girl is waiting for him when he gets home, or what she is going to do with him when he walks in the door? ;0) Or what she is wearing under that cute skirt?


I love to text Matt something wild.... while he is in a meeting. I always get a quick text back "are you trying to kill me." lol

Sometimes it can be hard to turn the “mommy” off and turn the sexy wife on. But it can be done. And teasing and flirting a bit during the day with a simple phone call, text or email can get things started. Nothing wrong with teasing your man a bit, he will be wild thinking about you all day. And you will be excited thinking about him, and what you just texted or emailed him.

I can tell you, your man will be home in a split second from work if he thinks you are waiting patiently for him. And are ready to do what you texted him earlier in the day. And why not give him a little “appetizer” while dinner is cooking? It’s the perfect time to sit the kids down in front of the TV with their favorite DVD. (That’s what they were invented for)

So, tell me, Do you tease? Is it something you did before you were married and now you don’t?

And don't forget, us Ladies love to have a man tease with us!

If you’re a guy - Do you dig it as much as my man does? Do you wish your wife would tease you?

So, give us some ideas of what teasing you do to get in the mood?

And guys we want some info here. Now's your chance to tell us ladies what really turns you on, and what you wish we would do? Do you dig the sexy texts, etc?

**And if you don't tease, do it RIGHT now. Seriously right now. And tell us what your spouses response was. Enquiring minds want to know.


Missty over at

Life is good

Flirt!

Do you flirt?

I think you should.

In fact, I think flirting can be good for your marriage (or other long-term relationship). No, seriously.

My favorite person to flirt with is my husband, of course. And I most definitely advocate flirting with your spouse every chance you get!

But, I also see the fun and benefits of a bit of innocent flirting with other people, as well.

Now, let me say, right up front, that there IS a line where "innocent" flirting becomes something else. And that's bad. I can't tell you where that line is - it's going to be a little different for every couple. But, I think, deep down, you know where it is, anyway.

But, for me, personally, giving myself permission to flirt again has improved my marriage and our love life.

The fabulous ZenHusband tells me and shows me all the time that I am beautiful and sexy and desired - and that is a WONDERFUL thing. But, at the same time, I know that he is my husband and, really, it's kind of his job to say and do that - to love me even when I'm not at my most attractive.

But, when someone else flirts with you, well that can be just that little bit of external validation you need to boost your confidence - and your libido.

After my sons were born, I was feeling just about as un-sexy as you can feel. I don't care how "easy" a pregnancy was, getting used to your post-partum body is not easy for anybody. Throw in a breastfeeding baby, a growing toddler, perpetual lack of sleep, and re-balancing hormones and you've got an anti-libido cocktail with a fatigue chaser that can pretty much kill even the best sex life.

But, then a funny thing happened when I went back to work after Minion 2 was born: My work brought me into occasional contact with a very handsome man who consistently flirted with me. Nothing overt or inappropriate: Just a little extended eye contact here, an extra smile there, a casual touch, a compliment, some light banter ... and that little bit of attention and attraction - from someone who was not my husband - was just the ego boost I needed to start feeling like an attractive woman again - and not just somebody's mom.

I used to flirt when I was single. But, after I got married ... if a man started flirting with me, I would feel a uncomfortable or guilty - like I must be doing something wrong to acknowledge or encourage it because OMG-I'm-married!

But, somewhere along the way, I've realized married does not equal dead ... and that flirting does not equal infidelity.

Now, when a man flirts with me, I take it as a compliment. It makes me feel attractive and appreciated. And when I flirt back, I feel confident and invigorated.

Ladies: Do you ever put on that perfect pair of jeans or wear those sexy shoes or have that great hair day, and you just walk around feeling like a million bucks all day? I think flirting is like that. It makes you feel good about yourself.

And when that bit of innocent flirting is over - I take those feelings of confidence and attractiveness home with me. To my husband. Who is also very appreciative of the resultant energy and enthusiasm.

The very important caveat is, of course, that you have to be sensitive to your partner's feelings. You have to make sure your level of flirting is within your partner's comfort zone - if your flirting is pushing buttons of jealousy or insecurity - time to stop or dial back!

And, you have to be comfortable with the quid pro quo - don't think that you get a free pass to flash some cleavage to the UPS guy and then turn around and scold your partner for winking at your local barista.

But ... if you are both secure and comfortable - go ahead and flirt a little! You might find that it's good for both of you!

But, hey, that's just my opinion. What do you think?

Are we talking sex still?

So as not to disappoint anyone I had to get in on the sex talk...again. Cuz, apparently I think about it a lot.

What do you do to prep for that special time? Shower? Put on cologne? Strip down? Suck on a .... Breath mint. (sick minds)

Well, lately Hubby has been in heaven. He knows the hormones are whacked and I'm up for anything every night. I know if he is up for me waking him up when I get home from work if I smell cologne on him when I climb into bed. Good signals going on here.

I have a sister who has a code word she and her hubby use to signal they are feeling frisky.

Some people put out the red light on their front porch saying they are open for business.

What do you do to let your significant other know the welcome mat is out?

How I Met Your Father

Isn't it funny how you always seem to find what you need just when you're not looking for it?

I'd sworn off men. Hadn't been on a date in almost a year - hadn't been physically intimate with anyone for 2 years. I was coming off of a series of "bad" relationships and I was not interested in starting a new one.

But, the universe, it seems had other ideas.

It was St. Patrick's Day. I hadn't planned on going to that local bar and grill that night. Turns out, he hadn't either. But we both ended up there anyway.

I was with my roommate. After getting a couple of girly umbrella drinks at the bar (and getting hit on by a couple of nice-but-no-thank-you guys), we took our drinks out to the patio to enjoy the unseasonably warm evening and to avoid the more meat-market feel of the bar area.

We were chatting and laughing when I heard this deep, rumbling voice behind me ask if I he could join us. So, I turned in my chair and saw ...

... a lumberjack.

Seriously. That was my first impression: This tall, broad-chested, dark-haired, red-cheeked, brown-eyed, long-lashed, baritone with a red plaid shirt, blue jeans and a friendly smile - He looked like he belonged on a package of Brawny towels.

I said yes.

For the record, my Darling Husband tells me his first impression of me was "Nice Rack."

Awww. Innit-he-sweet?

So, he and his friend (who, a few years later would serve as our Best Man) did join our table and we had a nice chat about work, beer, pets, family, our town, and so on.

That first impression stuck for a while. My roommate would tell me "your sexy lumberjack called" or ask if I was going out with "Mr. Brawny" again. Which, of course, I did.

Our first date was coffee; the second was a B.B. King Concert. Thereafter followed by the usual ... movies ... a candlelight homemade dinner (Don't worry: He cooked, not me!) ... a day hike in Yosemite ... dinner with his family ... Easter brunch with my family.

Still a bit gun-shy, I was taking things one day at a time. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I kept expecting it all to end.

But it didn't. And, before I knew it, I was agreeing to be Mrs. Lumberjack.

It's been 12 years since the night we met. And we are still working on our happily ever after one day at a time.

###

How did you meet your significant other? Did you "know" he/she was the one?

Missy Talks About Sex part 2

Continuing on our discussion of sex and making it work better for our marriage...

Let's Talk About Sex Part 2

What else is standing in the way of a great sex life?

Exhaustion? Even if the wife doesn't leave the home, she has also worked all day. If you have young kids at home, you should resign yourself to the fact that your sex life is going to change.

Stress? If there is a lot of crap going on, kids having a hard time in school, car payment is going to be late, Mother-in-law is coming for a visit, it's hard to put it out of our heads sometimes. Remember women are initially aroused in their brain, as opposed to visually, like men.

Anxiety about sex itself? Knowing that your husband/wife is expecting sex can be stressful. This is when it begins to feel like just one more thing he or she is expected to get done in a day.

Environment? I know that I am not aroused, when my house is a mess. A messy house is very stressful to me. I feel like everyone should pitch in, even if I am responsible for keeping the house nice. It makes me angry when my family makes a mess without cleaning it up. Especially when they seem to have no regard for my feelings. If I am feeling like the unappreciated maid, I won't be feeling like a lover.

Fighting? Fighting amongst yourselves is a sex killer. I have heard “The best part of fighting is making up.” But I don't believe it. In fact, I have never met one couple who ended a fight with sex.

What can be done about the things getting in the way?

Exhaustion: Even if you don't feel like your wife works, trust me-she does! Your not going to change her mind about this. The sooner your on her page, the better off you'll be. She wants to feel as though her work is recognized and appreciated. And, every now and then, she needs a break. A bubble bath is probably not the ticket, unless you can guarantee the kids won't be screaming at each other, or bothering her.

At least one day a week, I leave the house and do something, by.my.self! I am not a complicated person. Sometimes it's just grocery shopping without the kids. If my husband checks the mail and finds a flier from our local fabric store, he will give me 20 bucks and tell me to go have some 'me time'. Whats important about that is, it was his own idea. And when the kids fuss because they want to go, he explains to them that I need time away by myself. Big points for Sexy Papa. Fabric shopping by myself-very arousing. If he has put the kids to bed by the time I get home, bonus points.

Stress: Very often there isn't anything we can do to eliminate stress. Understanding when your partner is stressed out is key. Maybe instead of thinking about sex, the husband and wife talk about the stress and try to come up with a plan to battle it. There is no harm in trying. Maybe all the time spent together, talking, will lead to sex later. Maybe the problem gets solved and you have sex to celebrate.

Stress in men is often alleviated by some down time. I think it's important for my husband to have some time to himself when he gets home. So if he doesn't start talking to me right when he gets home, I don't go yack his ear off with my day to day crap, unless it's important. We'll have time to talk later when the kids go to bed. He needs to get over the stress from work before he can even hear about the stress at home.

Anxiety about sex itself: My wife should give me sex whenever I want it. Not so long ago, my husband belonged to that school of thought. Guess where that got him?
While he was feeling entitled, I was feeling like it was another chore. Chores=not fun. I resisted, he became grumpy. "I guess I'll go to bed, not like I'm getting sex anyway." I heard that a lot. Finally one day I turned to him and said "talking about all the sex your not getting is not a turn on to me." His pouting like a 2 year old before he even tried to coax me always made me go cold. The light bulb started to flicker for him.

Stop bugging your wife for sex. Matter of fact, try to go a couple of days without bringing it up. Just to see what happens. I can tell you, my husband is a much happier boy. He still pouts on occasion, but only if it's been a really long time.

While we're on the subject, a long time is MORE than 14 days. Most married people don't have sex everyday. The average amount of times married couples have sex is slightly more than once per week. Look it up!

Environment: Try pulling your weight around the house without expecting sex as a reward. No married couple should be using sex as a tool. Occasionally my husband will pitch in on a marathon cleaning session. Somehow he has figured out that if the house is clean by Sat. night, he is more likely to get Sunday morning sex. If he is home when I pull out the vacuum, he offers to do it, because he knows it hurts my knees. Those little things make a big difference to me.

Fighting: Screaming, throwing things, slamming doors. These things create a terrorizing environment. Gaven DeBecker wrote something that basically stated: Men fear that a woman will reject him. Where as a woman fears that he will kill her. We aren't so far removed from the past that we don't realize that it can happen. And if your screaming at your wife a lot, she is wondering when it will get turned up a notch. She is wondering if your going to hit her.

Think about the reason for your fighting. Determine it's weight in your relationship. Is the thing your fighting about important enough to wager your marriage on? There is a time in every relationship where the issues are important enough to fight about. That being said, fighting should not be a weekly event.

Would you scream at your boss the way your scream at each other? How about your mother, or even a stranger on the street? Doesn't the person you love deserve at least as much respect as you would show a passing stranger?

How often do problems get solved by fighting? I know I didn't feel satisfied after a good screaming match. Neither did my husband.

Whatever it is you can do to get away from this scenario, DO IT!

Missy

Life in Left Field

The Magic 8 Ball

There are times when I really wish time would stand still and I could open the big bag of Answers and pull out the one I am looking for. If I had one of those cool Magic 8 Balls I could shake it up and get what I need. In the past 7 years through multiple moves, one career change and three subsequent job changes within the same company, I’m ready for some stability in life.

The problem is that I’m not the person with the bill-paying job. While my husband certainly supports our family well with his work the past four years have been especially unstable through no fault of his own. The company has changed and reduced again and again. As in you could have a job one minute and not have one the next. I’m sure there is a lot of that in this economy and we’ve been very lucky (thus far) to have avoided most of the worst of it. He does still have a job.

Come December though, unless he finds another one, that’s it. Unemployment. Of course they call it downsizing and redundancy and end of contract but call it what it is. Unemployment. Sure, it’s unemployment with a nice package if we have even a shred of luck left but between a job and no job, I have to state my preference for having a job. Would I go out and work? Yes. Can I make as much money as he can and support our family? Not even close. Until that multi-million dollar book deal rolls around there’s not much I can do. Even basic admin work would be challenging – I haven’t worked in seven years and believe me a lot has changed.

He’s looking, his contacts are looking and offering suggestions but the knowledge that in a few short months this could be it just freaks me out. I know he will find a job. The people he knows are in high places and know a lot of other people in high comfy places with lots of help on offer.

He will find another job. Right?

The scary part for me comes in the waiting. The kind of scary that keeps you up nights and for the first time ever I’m clipping coupons ‘just in case’. I’m not looking for sympathy (but if you have chocolate let me know) but I am curious just how widespread this reality is for others. I’ve heard this is something people everywhere are facing. It puts stress on any relationship no matter how stable.

Are you dealing with (or have you dealt with) an issue like this in your own relationship? Which role is scarier to you – being the sole breadwinner or being the one serving the bread?



http://bloggingmama-andrea.blogspot.com

In Neatness and Clutter

I'm a planner, an organizer, a worrier.

My Husband is spontaneous, chilled out, laid back.

Casual acquaintances sometimes wonder aloud why we haven't killed each other yet. I usually tell them that we only put up with each other for the great sex. ;)

But the people who really know us can easily see that the truth is actually much simpler.

###

I'd like to blame my kids for my OCD tendencies.

After they were born, I had a a bad case of "Mommy Brain" - I lost or forgot things so often that I joked that the baby must have been sucking my brains out with his breakfast. I left my keys in the front door, locked them in my car, even locked them inside the house - with me on the outside. I lost count of how many times I lost my sunglasses and other accessories. Or forgot to put gas in the car. Or remembered to go to the bank but forgot the checks to deposit. Or put the milk in the pantry. I even forgot some appointments - which I never do.

I used to be able to recall exact quotes and complex figures from memory when I was a reporter. Now I can't remember that I need to buy toilet paper unless I've got a shopping list stuck to my purse. Some days, just after Minion #2 was born, I swear it was a miracle if I remembered to put all my clothes on before I left the house.

This is what you have reduced me to, my darling children.

But, honestly, I can't blame the kids for all of it. I've always had a tendency toward obsessive-compulsive organization. It's one of the things that makes me very good at my job ... and, I suspect, somewhat difficult to live with at times.

But after the kids came along, I got better and worse.

I've learned a great deal of patience from my children. I've learned to let go of a lot of control issues. And I've learned a lot about how to not sweat the petty things. (And to not pet the sweaty things, but that's a whole different kind of lesson.)

But I've also learned that when you have two kids under 5 - organization can not only make your life easier, it can save your sanity.

My husband, on the other hand ... well, if I'm: "A place for everything and everything in it's place", then he's: "Oh, I think I set it down around here somewhere."

I regularly come home to find power tools on the dining table, his shoes in the doorway, his lunch ice chest in the middle of the kitchen floor. And you don't even want to get me started on the piling system on his desk.

In his defense, it's not that he's a slob - he does laundry and dishes and vacuums and is actually pretty darn good at helping to keep things clean around here.

It's just that he doesn't at all mind the presence of my arch-enemy: Clutter. (Dun-dun-dun!)

He can walk right by some random item in the middle of the hallway floor for weeks and never even think about picking it up - unless it happens to be something he needs at that moment. Because it just doesn't bother him.

Meanwhile, I'm developing a nervous tic waiting to see how long he ignores it. (Because, apparently, I'm a masochist like that.)

Of course, when I do "commit a cleaning" as he calls it, then he notices. Because he can't find the cordless drill battery he knows he left sitting on the microwave a couple weeks ago.

o_O

And yet, somehow, we've haven't killed each other.

It probably helps that we each knew what we were getting into before we shacked up. In fact, I had one "condition" for agreeing to marry him: I had to be in charge of the "the books". I don't mean in charge of spending decisions; we make those together - I mean in charge of the actual bookkeeping: Paying the bills, balancing the accounts, etc. Because, pre-marriage, my husband's idea of balancing his checkbook was keeping it all "in his head" with an occasional call to the phone-teller to check his balance.

I know. I was horrified, too.

But, the thing is: He was perfectly happy with his "system" before I came along. But - and this is the real key to our "success" in this area, I think - he's also perfectly happy with "my" way.

Because that "it's-all-good" personality that gives the ZenHusband his chill attitude about clutter is the same trait that lets him put up with my obsessive-compulsive control-freakiness.

On the other hand, it's my uber-organized control-freakiness that keeps the lights on around here. ;)

So, yeah:

I'm a planner, an organizer, a worrier.

My husband is spontaneous, chilled out, laid back.

He's the Oscar to my Felix, the Ernie to my Bert, the Yin to my Yang.

But, while we might look like incompatible opposites from a distance, the truth is that we're actually complementary - each supplying something the other would otherwise lack.

Yes, we sometimes clash. But, overall, I think we balance each other pretty well. Maybe even make each other better. :)

Do you and you significant others have issues like these?

pleasing the man...

Okay - so here's the deal. I have a head full of fairly thick, fairly unmanageable hair... and I'm a fairly busy person. I decided about... oh, a year ago that I needed to get a REAL hairstyle because ponytails just REALLY aren't that sexy.

Or are they?

You see, I went short - pretty DANG short. Actually a little shorter than I'd planned - but I LOVED it! It was flirty and sexy and FUN. Oh, and ManOfTheHouse (M.O.T.H.) didn't say much... I mean - I think he enjoyed it for a few days and all... but... he didn't say much which I took to mean "hey it's YOUR head, it's YOUR hair - who am I to say what it should look like?" I took it to mean that because we'd discussed hair and hair length ad infinitum and that's what his answer always was....

but now... after having the hair short for a year - attempting to grow it out once and failing miserably (but OH so cutely) it is once again at THAT length...

cut or grow? I ask myself that daily as I am getting ready for work/church/sitting in front of the computer screen...

and apparently M.O.T.H. has an opinion now because he apparently likes that it's growing out. I should be thrilled that he's giving me feedback...

except that - guess WHAT? I liked HIS hair longer too... of course, he can't much control that issue... and at least he's done me the favor of not completely shaving himself to the Mr. Clean stage... SO, I guess I can leave my hair at this awkward stage for however long it takes before I can get a ponytail out of it...



hmmm... maybe I'll dye it red again...

Missy Talks About Sex part 1

See, I got you interested in the s e x with my title. No it's not that kind of post.
Just my opinions on some things I have figured out. But thinking about these things has helped me, so I want to share.

Let's Talk About Sex part 1

I am of the opinion that the battle of sex, in a marriage, comes down to a simple old phrase:

Wife: Whats mine is mine and whats his is mine.
Husband: Translation--She gets sex whenever she wants it. I get sex, only when she wants it.

Now, I realize that not all long term relationships are defined in that way. Everyone is different, if even just a little bit. But I bet, if you asked 100 husbands, the majority of them, would identify with the previous statement.

Lately, I can't get enough of Sexy Papa (my hubby). Maybe I am hitting my "prime"? That seems odd to me, as I am still 29 and holding, but whatever.
Suddenly it doesn't sound fair; that Sexy Papa doesn't get it whenever he wants it and I do.
Since the days of the submissive wife have long since passed, men are left pondering..."I thought once I got married, I would get laid all the time. What the hell happened?"

I have been thinking about this situation for a long time now. Trying to figure things out, in order to better make our marriage work. I want to have more sex with my husband, I really do. But it seemed as though some unknown force was standing in the way. I have come to understand some things that I am eager to share with the rest of the married world.

First, and most important, in my opinion, is honesty. I think it's high time we, as a demographic, got over the Junior High giggles, when it comes to talking about sensitive issues. Women, this is especially important for us.

Second, we have to get over our own selfish needs and be able to listen, hear and ponder the honesty which we are about to receive. Guys this one is especially important to you.

There are many things that can and will go wrong, making it impossible for a woman to want sex.

What if the wife has gas? It happens right? But do we tell our husbands? Nope. We just shrug off his advances, leaving him to believe 'She just doesn't want to have sex with me.'
Why can't the wife be honest with the husband? Maybe she is afraid he will tease her. Maybe she is still holding out hope that he believes her to be the perfect human being, who doesn't produce any bodily functions, which might offend someone. News flash ladies... Your husband has figured it out. Your only human. Get over it.

The honesty part is a whole lot easier, when we know that our husband is listening to us. It's hard to spell it out for men sometimes, so let me try to do it now.

Question: Why can't a woman want sex when she has gas?
Answer: Because she wants to relax and enjoy herself with you. It's hard to do when your concentrating on not farting on your husband. Do you have kids? Have you ever noticed your wife cross her legs before she sneezes? She does that so she doesn't pee on herself. Her abdominal muscles don't work as well as they used to, on their own. You want your wife to enjoy herself don't you? She is not going to relax enough to have an orgasm if she holding back gas!

What about those of us who feel a little less than beautiful? Maybe we are having issues with our weight? This also happens, frequently.
The husband wants to see his wife naked. The wife wants to keep the lights out and her shirt on. The truth about this situation is:
Your husband thinks your beautiful. He especially likes it when your naked. He loves all of your part, perfect or not. They make you who you are.
AND
Your wife is much more relaxed when she feels comfortable. She might even be willing to try something new in bed, if she felt sure you weren't going to try and relieve her of her shirt.

What if the wife was honest, and told her husband "I feel much more comfortable during sex with my shirt on."?
What if the husband pondered the honesty and then said "I love it when your naked. Your perfect to me. But if you feel better with a shirt on, I can accept that." And then don't try to take her shirt off.

Third, but still important is compromise. Don't forget that you decided to spend the rest of your life with this person. Your a team, and it takes work. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to.

My husband and I are working on these daily. For instance, when I tell him I have gas, he understands. Because I am able to be honest with him, he doesn't feel abandoned. He makes a fart sound with his mouth, we both have a laugh, and no ones feelings are hurt. It's important for both of us that he knows: It's not that I don't want to have sex with him, it's something else, that neither of us can control, and life goes on.
We compromise about my shirt too. I usually wear something that he thinks is sexy, like a white tank top. If I am feeling up to it, I will wear a sexy camisole or short nightie. He understands that I am more comfortable, and that the sex is more important than the naked.

Missy
Life In Left Field

VIDEO: My first REAL date with MSM!

Dates for me always ended up with us laughing at something stupid I did. It's just how it was... I caught onto that at an early age, well you know after I was 16, and just accepted it!

Since this blog is about REAL relationships... I thought it would be fun to introduce myself via VIDEO... well to those of you that are NEW... everyone else you have either seen me on my OTHER blog or you saw the interview my guy and I did for this blog!

So here I am, in all my dorky glory, to tell you about my first REAL date with MountainSport Man... I'm so glad he could overlook my total geekiness! :)

It's time you can never get back... so watch at your OWN risk!

And all of you that have seen my other videos on my blog I put the sheet up so you can't see my MESSY catch all room any longer!!!

You're. Welcome!

So... go ahead, make me feel better, someone out there must have vomited from nerves instead of some good excuse like getting SMASHED/DRUNK/PISSED...

Anybody?

This thing on?

Love,

Scars

ZenMom is kinda new to me but I have fallen in love with her writing. She is a Mom of two boys and as she says, "madly in love with my husband". I'm excited for her fresh look on her life and her relationships!!! Click here to learn more about ZenMom... and Welcome!

I have a fabulous marriage. But, like everybody else, I had "failed" relationships before I made the right match.

Except they weren't "failures". Not at all.

They all ended, yes. And some ended badly. But that doesn't mean they were failures. And it doesn't mean they were wastes of time. Just the opposite, in fact. If it were not for those early relationships, I would not be who I am or where I am today.

I learned a lot about life and love and ME from those "failures".

Some of those lessons were beautiful - little whispers of happy wisdom laid gently into my psyche. And some tore my heart open, leaving scar tissue that changed my whole perception of life and love.

But I'm thankful for both kinds.

I'm thankful for the high school crush who was my first experience with that heart-racing rush of infatuation. He left me breathless and taught me that boys that age are fun, but irresponsible. And that girls that age are over-dramatic. And that love is not really about breathlessness and drama.

I'm so thankful for my first "real" love, who was - before, during and after our brief romance - a true friend. He taught me that love should be playful and tender. And that, when romantic loves ends, it is possible for it to evolve into something even better.

I'm thankful for the college lover who taught me so much about passion ... including the painful lesson that passion alone is not enough to sustain a relationship.

I'm thankful for the ones who showed me my own boundaries - the places I would and would not go for love.

I'm thankful for my platonic men friends. They taught me that not every relationship with the opposite sex has to be about sex or romance. I especially appreciate the few men friends I have with whom I can joke and flirt and be myself without worrying they might take things the wrong way.

I'm thankful for the ones who taught me that sometimes men can be sweet and charming and nice ... and still break your heart.

That's a tough lesson to learn: That not everyone who hurts you is evil. Sometimes there is no "bad guy" ... just very bad decisions.

I think I might be most thankful for the men who hurt me. Who used me. Who lied to me. Who cheated on me. Who betrayed my trust. They helped me realize some of the most valuable lessons of all.

Between them, all of these men taught me balance. The balance between protecting your heart and opening your heart to the possibilities of love. And they taught me to recognize what love IS and what love ISN'T.

And those lessons paid off for me: I am now married to the love of my life and I couldn't be happier.

I could have walked away from these "failed" relationships learning nothing ... or learning the wrong things. I could have become jaded. I could have fostered hatred in my heart. I could have given in to despair or anger. I could look back with regret.

But I chose - and continue to choose - to see the good. To be thankful.

Even for the scars.

What about you? Do have lessons learned from past loves?

About Women...

George Carlin said:

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her crap, you will receive more shit
than any one human being can handle.

Sage on Finances

I was going to give Sage an introduction, but it looks like he covered that as well! :) So read on.

Hello all, this is my first post here so be gentle. I am Southern Sage. If you want to know about me you can do that on my 100 things.
I also post every day in Sageville NSFW on Sundays, politics on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
Independent Thinkers Lounge, Post on Tuesday and Saturday and sometimes in between, politics and current events only.
And Hotdads with other guys.

Well I have been following y'all here with money struggles. I saw Youngblood post about making ends meet and Shelle a little bit tongue and cheek about her fella and her discussing sweetly I'm sure her guys buying being big things and hers being small things. Some posts on the topic as well as one from another blog.

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

I know some of you would be what folks would classify as religious, here is some biblical reference.

Luke 16:11

Proverbs 13:22

Proverbs 22:7

(ok those of you who don't know me, I will run a rabbit in my posts, like this!)

~~ 22:7 is the main reason I hate debt. Y'all that know me know I don't usually walk the line or follow or do what everyone else does. I do my thing, stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours and we'll be good. The borrower is servant to the lender.....
Why in the name of all things good would someone choose this? Most things, hell everything other than your house can be purchased without being the banks or the credit card companies servant. I'd be lying if I said that this verse turned a light on for me and thats why I see it the way I do, it's just always how I have rolled. Think about that. Why would you intentionally be a servant to anyone? Why put yourself into slavery? Would you intentionally lock yourself in jail?~~

Onward

It seems to me that in my marriage, even with a contact :-) most of the arguments we have ever had were because of three things. Money, child rearing technique and insurance (I know that prolly ain't on the top 10 reasons list but I hate it second only to taxes so I b*tch about it!). Especially in these times with the economy down and the huge strain of uncertainty of what this run-away government is doing, right now is by far the worst financial time of my life for the average family. As you will see if you read this entire saga here it is my belief that the main problem with couples and finances is they don't talk about it BEFORE there is a problem and they don't make and follow a plan (budget) when they do discuss it.

Now I am no financial genius but I thought I'd post on the topic anyway. The problem is that people don't really WANT to be out of debt, or financially secure. It is EXACTLY the same as weight loss. When one finally decides they don't WANT to be over weight anymore or they NEED to lose weight for quality of life reasons then they will do what needs to be done to accomplish their goals. Most people just keep on keeping on though and 1-2-3 years from now will be sitting in the same place they are right now. I submit to you that if you DECIDE to get right with your money then in 1 year you will be in a much much better place. There are many reasons people aren't where they want to be financially. One thing that happens to folks is they get poor advice from people and they have poor role models (Like Youngbloods parents). The terrible foundation young people get in the form of advice is detrimental to them and has long term negative effects. It seems the advice every young person gets is "You have to build your credit" (Insert GONGGGGG sound here) WRONG! You do not need credit, if you want to build something then build your assets. Build your savings. Build your investments. Build your income. It is never to late though. The number one thing everyone should be trying to do is to get out of debt. Debt is what will kill you. They have never repossessed or foreclosed on ANYTHING that was paid for. This is the same as losing weight. You didn't gain it all in one day and you can't lose it all in one day. You didn't get this far in debt in one day and without some windfall you ain't gonna get out in one day either. There is one thing you can do today though, you can decide to never go into debt again. The only way to climb to the top of a mountain is one small step at a time. Do you want to be debt free? Do you want to be more secure financially? Well here is my take on these things. The VERY VERY VERY first thing you (you right there reading this) need to do is have a written budget every single month of the rest of your life. If you have a spouse then you need to turn off the idiot box, shut down your communicators turn off the internet and give the kids benedryl something to do. ----->This WILL NOT work if it is a one sided effort. People (me included) think that they can outearn their spending or they will skimp on something else to make their spending work out. It is my thought that if your spouse is not on board with a budget/plan then the problems in your relationship are worse than just financal.

If you read the Marriage Contract then you know I believe a marriage is NO DIFFERENT than any business agreement, and if it is seen as a business agreement then it will work better. Would you be in a business with a partner and no budget? No plan? Get your trapper keepers out and do it. I even looked up and linked an example of a budget HERE

Write down all of your bills. Most bills are exactly the same every month, most pay checks are the same every period also. Lights and bills that fluctuate some can be approximated.

Mortgage/rent
food
electric
(those 3 are to be paid first)
transportation
and on and on and on until you list EVERYTHING you pay every month.

Then write down your income. Most folks have a set income. They make X amount a week/month whatever. Then you apply that money BEFORE you make it. You work hard for that money don't let it run you, you have to run it. You tell it what to do. You will actually be surprised at how much money you SHOULD have over and above what it takes to pay your bills.

This is a good start. This MUST be done. You won't do it though, its too elementary for you. You can handle it without a silly written budget. When you have had enough though hit back on this post and then do the budget. If you will get pissed off and do it it will work for you. Microsoft has a written budget, Chevron has a written budget, it seems profitable successful companies have one, the US government though evidently does not have a written budget.

Adopt this creed:
If it isn't written down and budgeted then I don't spent it, ever.

In Shelle's situation they should put a personal allowance for each of them on the budget. Then if MSM wants to save his allowance for 10 years and buy a yacht then so be it, if Shelle wants to buy lipstick every week with her allowance and never save any then so be it.

A few things smart people do that are stupid.

*Finance a brand new vehicle.
*Buy outright a brand new vehicle
*Loan money.
*Own credit cards.
*Borrow money.

Why is it you think they make getting a credit card so easy?
Why will they finance almost anyone for a car?
Why is it easy to borrow money?

Some easy tips.

1. Take only the money budgeted to spend to the store for groceries, clothes, school supplies, etc. This keeps impulse purchases down. Take CASH, yes stores still accept this form of payment. This makes you VERY aware of exactly what items cost.
2. Start today cutting expenses. This year since everything was so strained I decided to do at home what I always attempt to do in business, cut expenses 10%. I cut the cable/satellite bill down to basics. Stopped caller ID and voice mail and bought a $20.00 answering machine with a tape in it, cut cell phone minutes in half. Turned off the light on the pole in the yard ($20.00/month) , incessantly turn off house lights, etc.

3. See your purchases is hours worked and not in money, and NEVER consider the payments, if you have to make payments then you can't afford it. If you make say $10.00/hr (for easy math purposes) and the new item you want is $250.00 that is 25 hours of work. If you were not going to get a paycheck for working 25 hours but instead they were going to give you that item would you think differently about it?


4. Can you imagine how much money you would save per year if you (and your spouse)took your lunch to work everyday?

See the reason people have to get fed up is because EVERYONE else lives differently than this post suggests and the peer pressure to have items, to "do" lunch, to have an equal vehicle to have nice clothes etc is stronger than most peoples desire to be debt free and financially secure. It is a choice people.

You choose.

Do the budget then once you get that done we can get you out of debt!! I'll splain more about how to do that once we get the budget done, if anyone cares to read it anyway.

Then we have to save and invest which I will also opine on if you would like.

I'll also give my take on most anything if anyone so desires so say it and I'll post on it.

Thanks ladies for letting me play with y'all!

Discuss.

Real Life V. Fantasy

Did your parents read you fairy tales as a child? Did those fairy tales help to mold the way you thought about relationships? I think I was somewhat disillusioned as a child. I think subconsciously I let those fairy tales influence how I viewed the men in my life.

It took me far to long to figure out that having sex with a man didn't mean he was my knight in shinning armor. Far to long to realize that the fairy tales were full of fluffy crap that had no basis in reality.

Don't we want to guide our children through the tough reality of “life ain't fair”? I wonder if we read more fairy princess stories to little boys, would they try to be more like the handsome prince? Of course not. Because those stories set the bar to high, there are no perfect people.

So why then, do us girls let ourselves believe in the magic? Even still, why do we continue to entertain little girls with these fables? Is it really fair to them to emphasize the best thing that could happen to a princess is to meet prince charming and fall in love, living happily ever after.

This whole thing seems to me like old wives tales or urban legends. Once we figure out that those things are not fact, we tend not to continue passing them on.

As much as it's no fun for us girls, it's also not fair to the men in our lives. If we have high expectations that no man can live up to, they have no choice but to fail. They were doomed from the start.

Could this explain some of the problems long term relationships have? Can we better prepare the next generation by post scripting those stories with a bit of the truth?

Left Field Missy

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years... as long as you count the 1 ½ years we were separated. Now I know what people say about abusive relationships: If you keep going back, he is not going to change.


Let me be clear. My husband never hit me. I have very strong feelings about physical violence that I won't get into here. But when my husband was mad, the whole world was going to know about it.


After about a year of weekly screaming matches I'd had enough and kicked him out. At that point in our relationship, we were 2 different people, with very different views on how life was supposed to be lived.


I was very serious about this. I went to court, got custody of the kids and restraining orders. I took him to court for child support. We mediated about visitation. And he, grudgingly, went to anger management therapy.


Some other significant things also happened. He lived on his own for the first time in his life. He was responsible for his own bills, and getting them paid on time. He made friends outside of our relationship, and interacted with their families. It was during our separation that he began to understand that the only person accountable for what happened to him, was him.


A lot changed in that year and a half. I found the no nonsense, not taking anyone's crap, girl I used to be. He saw that I didn't need him to provide for me. Finishing his anger management along with some other changes made him a much calmer person.


I had the opportunity to see him change. Not for me, but for himself. Because I had made it plainly clear, I was not going back to him.


Through all that, I never stopped loving him. And there came a point where we were friends again. Our relationship grew without the expectations of getting back together.


We started living together again almost 2 years ago. As a married couple. I can probably count on 1 hand the number of fights we have had in that time. We just deal with things differently now.


Our separation was painful and stressful for everyone involved. It was an uphill battle that, for us, proved to be worth the work in the end.


What do you think? Can separation be good for a failing relationship?



Missy
http://left-field-missy.blogspot.com/

Sleeping Arrangements

When it comes to sleeping I am totally in love. I heart my bed. It is pretty dang comfy. Especially on my side. Which brings up a funny in my mind. How did it become "my side?"

How do you pick your side of the bed?

Since we got married, "my side" had changed with just about every place we have lived. It all depends on how the bed is positioned in the room. I have to sleep on the side closest to the door. Weird reason, too. You would think as a mom I would want to be on the side that is hardest for my kids to get to, making Hubby be the one to deal with all of the offspring issues. But, I learned early on that he is too heavy of a sleeper and I would end up awake anyway.

My sister has to sleep on the side that is closest to the door so she can use the facilities in the middle of the night without stubbing her toe on the end of the bed.

My Brother-in-law sleeps on the side closest to the door so he can "protect" his family.

The funny thing about this is that it really does effect how we complete the deed. Hubby and I were talking about this the other day. I am really a physically needy person. I love the rubbing, touching, massaging and stuff. It is a little awkward for him (or at least it was at first) when I would sleep on side right side of the bed (right side when you are in bed, left when you are looking at the bed). This means that his left hand does most of the work because his right hand is too close to my body to really be doing any of the work/play. The one good thing that has come from this (beside many fun/pleasurable nights) is that he is ambidextrous in bed. WOOHOO!

Which side do you sleep on and why?

Make Up Sex

I think Make Up Sex is a HOAX!

I don't believe in it... not one bit!

And I don't count regular sex after you've made up from an arguement.

Because I have been led to believe that Make-Up sex is hot, sticky, and unbridled!

An OUTER BODY experience... some friends have even went so far as to tell me that it is some of the best SEX they have ever had!!!

PPPFFFTTT! Lies!

See... we fight, disagree, argue... make-up, hug, kiss... smile.

Then eventually comes the inevitable sex... but nothing out of the ordinary. Not to say that it isn't good or fantastic or great... because I mean it usually is all of that.

But I was expecting that after we made up he would get hot and jump my bones and we would fall to the ground in a tangle of sloppy kisses and discarded clothing... ya know?

So tell me... all lies? Or are we just not making up right??? Any pointers if that is the case?

love,


P.S. We are looking for a couple of new contributors to get some fresh thoughts on THEIR real relationships married OR single (we need more singles blood around here though). So email Andrea (bloggingmamaandrea@gmail.com) or Me(blokthoughts@gmail.com) and let us know. We will come visit your blog and read some of your stuff. We only need a couple so we will look at them at a first come first serve basis. Thanks!

My Mom Once Told Me...

There are a lot of us I'm sure who can say that our parents have told us things, things often called advice, in regards to our lives. Don't run with scissors! Take your vitamins! Wear fresh underwear everyday! Those three examples are ones I try to follow. Well two out of three isn't bad since I'm not really into vitamins.

But the advice I get from my mom these days is about my marriage. Mostly I nod politely and file it into the Ain't Gonna Happen category like most of us do. There is one piece of advice I'd like to hear your opinions on though.

My mom once told me to great my husband at the door in nice clothes (dress or skirt), with make-up on, hair brushed, kids clean and orderly and to have dinner ready.

I usually make maybe one or two of those by 6 o'clock. And it's usually not the dress or orderly kids either. I settle for having brushed my hair at some point during the day and showering instead.

What I want to know is how many of you have heard and followed advice like the one my mom gave me? Do you greet your spouse at the door like Mrs/Mr June Cleaver? What stock do you put in your parents relationship advice?