Infidelity is an amazingly all-too-common occurrence these days.
It's almost "cliche".
I see it all around.
I hear about it.
I lived it.
And so did my current husband.
And while we both lived the same lives ironically around the exact same time, once married to people we thought we trusted, it was our spouses who were out living lives of their own. Lives that neither of us knew anything about. Until, of course, they were caught.
And let me make the important point that this post is NOT a "beat up" post on those who may have made such choices. BELIEVE me, I sure as hell am in no place to judge anyone else in this world. I've walked way too many roads in the world of marriage and divorce.
Even my therapist of years ago used to tell me all the time how unbelievable it was that I wasn't the one who went outside my marriage to find companionship and intimacy back then. My response was always, "Are you KIDDING ME? I work full time, have two kids and already have one man in my life that I can't figure out. WHO THE HELL has the TIME and ENERGY to cheat???"
And of course with infidelity there are always two sides to each and every story. I believe there is never only one person to blame in such occurrences. Not that those of us "cheated on" can take accountability for the "external" actions our spouse has taken, but there are steps and communication issues and maturity levels and personal upbringing situations that sometimes are like elephants in a room when looking at an individual marriage with a magnifying glass.
Many times we have no idea that these elephants even exist until it's too late. And sometimes you may never even know an elephant was there at all.
I've obviously had my share of elephants. And I've owned a couple of them myself, which I never knew existed until a new therapist was able to guide me through the process.
I realize it's a personal subject, however I think there are so many angles of interest in the world of infidelity. Children. Inattentive Spouses. Egos. Lack of Intimacy. Fear. Childhood. Upbringing. Careers. Narcissism. Our own Parents. Inabilities to Communicate. Needs. Desires. Time. Lack of Time.
Knowing that we've both walked a similar path and carry a similar injury from our pasts, my husband and I have always promised to be honest and respectful of one another in times of uncertainty.
Our deal is to always turn "inward" towards one another versus "outward" towards others. And when things go a few days, or a week long at most, in that so-called "un-comfort zone" between the two of us... we agree that it's then time to call it out.
And it all goes back to the notion of egos and how being human is about seeking approval. It's instinctive. We need it. And we admit to each other that if there's a period of time in our marriage where we are not making each other feel good, feel proud, feel strong, and feel beautiful then the attention could easily come from others at some point. Intentional or not.
And that's an elephant I'm not lettin' in again.
1 year ago