Breaking UP or Breaking Through

Have you found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt

heads with each other seems to increase by the second?

You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.

If the answer is yes, then some say you may be at what they call "the break UP point."

But I wonder, is it break UP, or break through?

Maybe you're at the place where you're finding out things about each other that you need to fix.

Maybe it's an opportunity. A critical one, but an opportunity nonetheless.

Let's say the honeymoon's over, and you start that constant UPhill drive to build a relationship. If you

start bumping heads, instead of uglies, then it might be time for a "re-group", or chat, if you will. The

first few months and even years of a realtionship are the most critical time to build that relationship. If

you stop doing the little things that make the day nice; good bye kisses, notes, texts now that we're in the

modern era, and frisky, friendly, flirting, then you're at a break UP point. It's time to be really honest with

each other and compromise, work things out. Break through, not break UP.

"My wife/husband doesn't understand me." Isn't just a line from some jerk in a bar. It might be the

truth. People come from different backgrounds, and no two homes are exactly alike. Heck, the five

children in my family could not be more different, but were raised by the same two people, and for most

of our lives, in the same house. So, blending two people into one family takes work. Understanding each

other isn't easy, and it's a constant task. People change, times change, ideas change, goals change. Make

sure you talk about the changes you are going through, and make sure you include your partner in them.

Don't break UP, break through.

If you start to punish each other, things are getting serious. I'm not talking about a little mutual friendly

S&M kids, I'm talking about passive agressive behavior. You know, "he left his clothes on the floor, so I

just won't put them in the load of laundry I'm doing even though there's room." Or "She never puts the

cap back on the toothpaste, so I'll just leave the seat UP!"

Stop it!

It's silly, and it's dangerous. Resentment can build, feelings get hurt, the game escalates, and then all hell

breaks loose!

Use it as a break through point, not a break UP point.

Have you stopped "fighting" or "arguing"? Well, that's a danger sign. Walking out of the room gets

nothing done. And even though you can't unsay things you've said, sometimes you have to say them.

(This is not permission to be a jerk, think before you speak!)

Fighting isn't a bad thing. It clears the air. I'm not saying you should start throwing pots and pans, and

no one needs a baseball bat, but talk about it. Yell if you have to. When you stop fighting at all, you've

stopped fighting for the relationship, and you've reached a break UP point. Use it as a break through.

Have you actually thought about leaving? Well, then you're at a break UP point. You need to regroup,

take a few days and think it out. Some therapists recommend leaving for a few days or a week at this

point. I'm not so sure. Maybe a weekend with the girls (if you're the girl), or a fishing trip, or camping

will do some good. But don't say, "we need some time apart". That may just be what your partner wants

to hear, and it may not be the real solution. Stick it out, but take some time. Go visit some friends or

family, or go see the Biltmore House, but spend some serious windshield time thinking just how your life

would be if you walked. You may envision something that isn't possible, and hopefully you'll realize that

you're where you need and WANT to be. Make it a break through.

Once you've thought about it, and worked it out. It's time to take a stand. A stand for the relationship

or a stand to walk away. Go back, talk, make decisions. Life is way too short to be miserable. Both of

you need to try, and both of you need to work at it. Evenly, and willingly. If you don't try, it's a break UP point. If you do, you might just break through.

UP- who also guest posted for us HERE.

Mom and Dad Like You Best!

How many of you have grown up thinking that.  Or, are YOU a parent and do YOU have a favorite?
I have raised five children.  People ask me all the time, "who is your favorite"?  "What" I reply,  "parents don't have favorites.  A parents love is all encompassing and equal."

After I had my first child and found myself pregnant with my second, I'd ask myself, how is it possible to love another child as much as this one.  We all find out love isn't like a piece of pie where you cut it up into slices, where each child gets a part.

Love is like an Ice Cream Sundae.  You just keep adding wonderful toppings till it (your family) becomes a masterpiece.

My children tell me - part teasing, and part reality in THEIR minds- that I have a favorite.  Oh, he's your favorite they say to me. I stand with my fist in the air proclaiming, I have NO favorites.  You are all loved equally.

I, myself, believe that.  However, I will admit each child has brought to my life a DIFFERENT topping for my sundae.

One, an amazing sense of humor.
One, a sense of adventure.
One, (my only daughter) .....a female bond, a strength,  daughters are different.
One a sense of peace.
One, a sense of spirituality.
(that's five right?)

See, different toppings. NOT BETTER.  The love is not different, it has been enriched with THEIR own individuality.

The oldest child accuses the last child of getting it all. He says the youngest has been provided with a silver spoon in his mouth and a gold brick up his butt.  Well sadly he might be accurate to a certain degree.  When a parent has their first child, you are still getting established in life, with your job/career.  You are still learning how this parenting thing works.  By the time a fifth comes along, you generally DO have more money, more resources, and the last is generally the reciprient of that.  The last is LUCKY is all, not loved more.

I am the oldest in my family. One brother and one sister.  I went through a period of feeling a little less loved and appreciated.   I have been a more challenging child than my siblings.  Their list of accomplishments are long. Mine less noteworthy.  But I know, by dang, I am loved.  I may not be the cherry on top of that sundae.  Doesn't matter. I was the nut and some people love nuts. They didn't love me less just because I'd give them an adverse reaction to the nut sometimes.

It's all about building that sundae.  Enjoying each dimension of it, savoring every flavor and texture.

So here's the questioning.  Do you have a favorite..really?  Did you think your parents played favorites?


Wendy

HSSS: Open Marriages

Two of our contributors are asked to take opposing stances on an issue and present a case for their viewpoint. Comment and tell us who you agree with or what you believe or think! The topics are suppose to elicit a response and start a conversation in comments. Enjoy!


Topic:  Open Marriage

She Said (Gucci Mama):
I'm a pretty smart girl. I mean, let's just face it; I'm brilliant. But, and this may surprise some of you, there are some things I just don't understand. One of those things is this concept of "open marriage". It seems there are many couples who just, ah, have sex with other people! Sometimes while everyone is right there in the room. Is it naive that this shocks me? I just have no frame of reference for this kind of thing. I can't imagine.

Maybe it's that I've been devastated in the past by infidelity. Maybe it's because it's my hopelessly romantic (in clear spite of my real world experience) belief that sex between a man and his wife is about more than physical pleasure. It's about connection and intimacy and expressing love that is saved for just one person. I don't understand, if one is in a relationship that is connected and intimate and full of love - as most people open marriages say they are - then why look elsewhere?

I have other questions. Some are just logistical, like, how does one go about finding other couples who want to participate? It seems the potential for rejection and humiliation and maybe even being ostracized is pretty significant. I wonder if anyone ever gets jealous, seeing or knowing about their spouse with another person. And then, what about the kids, if there are any? Do they know about the lifestyle and if so, what does that teach them about the value of commitment and love and the sanctity of marriage?

I just don't get it. Splain it, NV, baby.

He Said (Nolens Volens):
Not trying to be a smart-ass here, but I wanted to get the definition of what the phrase "open marriage" means so I can 'splain better.

As seen on Miriam Webster online, the definition is "a marriage in which the partners agree to let each other have sexual partners outside the marriage" and MW lists the first appearance of that phrase in print as early as 1971.  That's clearly different than being a swinger - definition of "swinger" on MW is "one who engages freely in sex".  That word has been around since 1543.

How is that different?  The concept of open marriage is that the partners have to get approval first before having sex with someone.  Swingers tend to go together and they tend to do whatever they feel comfortable doing. I'm also saying that it's not always the case with every swinger or with open marriages.

I must confess that I am not a typical swinger or participant of an open marriage.  I would say that ours is more of a part-time open marriage.  We do not play with others without expressed permission by either one of us.  We may have people who would love to play with either me, my wife, or both of us, but we do not cross the line.

For my wife and me, this is a marriage enhancer. We've been together almost 12 years, 10 married, and we're much more physically in-tune with each other now and emotionally bonded than we were before. Would we have become so bonded without opening our marriage? Perhaps. We'll never know.

There are no feelings of jealousy or rejection because this is a mutual arrangement. We enjoy sex SO much (and my wife is bisexual) that we want to share it with others. We don't have sex with just anybody, either. She and I have developed a very long list of rules over the years for our partners and we follow them, to a T, no matter what.

As for my wife, she has told me that our intimacy is just as sacred now as it's ever been. The idea of saving yourself for just one person is still an idea we hold dear, we just chose to express it differently. My wife's not as passionate with others as she is with me, her emotions aren't the same, she's not as free with her body and her desires as she is when there are just us 2. It's the same for me. I can't ever look at or have sex with anyone else the same way as I do with my wife.

How's that as an explanation?   ;)

Okay... comment away!

Group Therapy: Frustrated

Welcome To Group Therapy:

"My wife and I are great friends.  We get along really well in all aspects of our life, but one, sex.  She just doesn't enjoy it and I want it all of the time.  I always feel like I'm begging her and she always feels like I'm nagging her for it.  This is the one thing in our marriage that we can't seem to come to a compromise on and I'm all out of ideas. It's a big enough deal to me that I'm starting to be bitter about it.  Lotion, my hand, and alone time is getting old.


I was wondering if there were people out there in my same situation.  If there is, or if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears.


I love my wife.  


What should be our first step in helping this part of our lives.


Frustrated"

Okay you guys know the drill.  Please leave your advice in comments, and feel free to comment on other peoples comments.

The Many Faces of Facebook

This week has been devoted to facebook and I hope to not be redundant with this post.  As it is with all things in this world, everything can be used for good or evil.  I am going to break down my thoughts into a few catagories.  However, as a woman of my age,(59) WE are not as involved with facebook as you younger set are.  We use it, but I don't think in the same volume as you do.

My sensitive area of facebook has been my reuniting with my current husband. I don't want to go into those details as I posted about that on Real World already, and if you REALLY want to know, go back and read the post from August 26.  There have been past comments about infidelity on facebook.  It is an issue for sure, but as one person said on a comment, facebook is merely another conduit for such a thing.  A really happy, secure marriage needs to be protected and not be "toyed" with.  You don't need to even invite past boyfriends, girlfriends back into your life, not really.

However, there are some relationships that have been restored through facebook.  Sometimes the cost can be high.  Be prepared for that.  Not all re-connections are a bad thing.  Good Morning America did a piece on that saying that in some past relationships, an imprinting of a sort happened, that when that person was reunited it is pretty powerful. Be careful how you judge those.  Most I think, is frivolous flirting that can also lead to danger.

Ok........Next.  Have any of you been embarassed through facebook. Have people made a comment about you or "tagged" you in a photo you wish had not been put out there.  They didn't ask you....they just put it on their facebook.  Should you ask first?

I saw on a facebook page a young lady who was apologizing all over the place for a comment she made about her  in-laws that was NOT received well.  They were, well Pissed Off at her.

 Back in the day....my day....we used to write letters to our family and friends.  Letters take a few days or even a week before being received and then more time before you get an answer back.  Facebook and this media we have now certainly cures that, we get instant information. But....do I really need to know you have diarrhea.  I guess facebook is good for that, because if you put it in a letter what would be the point...you'd be over it by then.

Can facebook be a source for bullying.  People can be pretty hurtful.  I have a friend who is a coach and he and his staff are berated over and over through comments on facebook.  When we get angry, we can instantly facebook about it. Not always a good thing to have that access in the "heat of the moment" when maybe a little time to digest the situation is in order.

So there  you have it.  Has facebook helped you more then hurt you?  Is it taking to much of your time and energy...to respond to someones diarrhea.

Facebook is here to stay.  It is a fire we can't put out............my thought is to be careful with how we fuel it.

We can use it for GOOD or EVIL.



Wendy

P.S.--Purple Cow mentioned a GREAT topic. Anybody UP for it for the HE said SHE said... Your Kids on Facebook-- FOR or AGAINST.

Let me know. Email me or leave a comment here on this post below!

Defending Facebook

Shelle Edit: Will is new to me... and to Real World.  But the guy knows how to write and get his point across.  So do you agree with him??? Check out his personal blog when you get done reading here... it's linked at the bottom with his name!

I’ve had Facebook for a little over a year now. I was very resistant to join. I even deleted my account once because I didn’t feel comfortable with it. I joined again a week later with the decision that I would run my FB page the way I wanted to, not according to the default profiles of security, info, etc. I wouldn’t accept friend requests out of obligation, only if I wanted to. I wouldn’t list my phone number, etc.

I’ve fine-tuned my opinion of FB as time has gone on. As that has happened, I’ve found myself becoming pretty opinionated on it’s use and abuse.

So, is Facebook a good or a bad thing? I think it’s good. However, I can see the bad, the risky, the iffy, etc. That’s what I wanted to discuss for my post on FB.

First, there’s been a lot of talk about FB being responsible for divorce. My feeling, is that is ridiculous. (Then again, I’m also in the “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people” group.) I feel like personal responsibility and common sense should override any argument about FB being the cause for marital strife. If you are doing something, or saying something online that your significant other would be unhappy about - perhaps you shouldn’t be doing it! If your s/o wouldn’t want you chatting with an ex - guess what, you’re free to do it, but you know without asking how they are going to feel about it. Would you have this conversation in real life? Would you say the same things you say online to their face? In front of your spouse? If the answers are no...then maybe you shouldn’t be saying them online.

Personally, I am “FB Friends” with a couple of ex-girlfriends. My wife knows them, or at least knows their stories. She is on my page, listed as my wife. So she can see the things that I’m saying, or if I’m commenting on their pages, etc. I don’t hide that. I don’t hide the fact that I’ve reconnected. That being said - I have also chosen to ignore a couple requests from exes that I know my wife is uncomfortable with. I don’t have to be friends with anyone. If a certain action on FB is going to cause drama in my life, I just don’t do it. Simple.

Now, does FB make flirting easier? Of course. It can definitely be tempting. Give me a minute to edit my thoughts, and I turn into Rico Suave. I say alllllll the right things. In real life, not so much. So online, it’s easier to say the witty, the funny, the flirty. And it feels good to get your ego boosted. Online flirting can do that quite easily. So, take some responsibility. If you wouldn’t say it in front of your spouse...take a second and think before you post.

I think that if FB has facilitated flirting, meeting up, infidelity in your life...then you were probably headed down that road anyways. It may have made it easier for you - but you are still to blame.

So can Facebook be used for evil? Sure. Can it be used for good? Pointless fun? Brand advertising? News updates? Connecting with sports teams, bands, actors, etc? It does all of that to.

It just matters how you use it.

- Will

We're BACK!!! And so we must talk about FaceBook

Ah... Facebook. A love-hate relationship for many.  I felt we needed a few days to talk about Facebook and I thought there wasn’t a better topic to start our site back up on.  So... before I begin with my introduction to this week’s Topic... I need to say...

WELCOME BACK!

That’s mainly for me... but also filters out to you guys who have us on Reader and have decided to stick around.  Me loves YOU! :)

Image taken from here.

Okay... Topic.  Now, we’ve never really had a TOPIC for a week, but I thought it was fitting.  We had many people interested in writing their take down about Facebook and relationships and how they are effected... so I decided to throw them all together in one week.  So... this may blow up in my face and every post may seem repetitive... or this might actually have a fun twist with all the different perspectives on it!  Now, not every post will be on Facebook because the contributors have the agency to change their minds on what they want to write about.

But either way... let’s go ready for some interesting takes and opinions this week... let’s get back into the swing of things around here!

So let’s just jump in... Feet first.

I’m first.  Your. Welcome. :)

My BIL’s favorite saying since Facebook came about, “Facebook is of the devil”.  At first, I admittedly scoffed when he said that, chalking it up to him not understanding Facebook... or the technology world in general.  But now?  Now I believe he may have some kind of freaky intuition.

Image taken from here

You see.  The last two friends who have gotten divorced that I know of... BOTH because of Facebook infidelity.  I’m not even fibbing.  That doesn’t count the ones before that.  But the last two which have been in the last two months... Facebook has been a contributor.  People spending hours and hours on Facebook with games and updates statuses... neglecting family and responsibilities, an Internet addiction of another kind.

Image taken from here

Now... to oppose that.  I have also found out about people connecting with family that they haven’t seen or known in years.  Happy happy reunions.  Single friends meeting old friends and connecting and starting fantastic relationships.  Also Facebook has brought about some great things, such as, helping spread the word about different causes or helping one promote and help their business succeed. Things that are REALLY good. In fact, because of Facebook I found out about friends from High School who have this incredible story about their children who have this really rare genetic disease and someone put together this benefit concert to help raise money for them.  Something I wouldn’t necessarily have known about had I not been “invited” to the event via Facebook.  My family that lives out East... I’d never know what they were doing if it weren’t for Facebook.

So.  Love and Hate.

The one thing I wanted you guys to maybe think about to start things off... does Facebook--or social media like it... prove that love maybe doesn’t die for people?  A lot of what is happening is people are re-connecting with old friends and loves on Facebook.  From that reconnection old feelings arise and then one things leads to another... so to speak.

So can one really just forget about somebody and love dies???  Or does it just simmer...ready to resurface at anytime if triggered by memory, voice, or... Facebook reconnection? I know those relationships where strong feelings were present, the easiest way for me to “get over” those people were to separate myself from them, and then life moved on.  If I were to reconnect with them on Facebook, which I haven’t, would I just be opening a can of trouble emotionally for me?  I actually think... yes. I don’t think feelings for someone really die--I think they just get pushed down or back.  But that is just my opinion...

I just wonder what you guys think.  Are you black and white on this topic... you either Love or Hate it... or are you more gray?

Let’s Discuss... oh! and BTW... it's good to be back :)

Shelle