Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Affairs

Affairs!

That got your attentions didn’t it! LOL. It has been an interesting topic of discussion lately with my husband and me. We have been talking about a few people we have known that have had them, or one we suspect, or it very much looks that way. I always wonder what got them to that point. Why not leave the marriage first?

One guy we know had an affair. He and his wife had not had sex for a good 6-8 years; she always belittled him, etc. And I think he just found someone else that was nice to him. Kwim? He is still married to his wife, but not after being hugely embarrassed, as she told EVERYONE about his affair. I have always felt sorry for that guy – he should have just divorced the witch.


Another married friend, told me about an affair she had with married man. I was shocked! I never in my wildest dreams thought this would be someone who would do such a thing. I knew she had been miserable for a few years with her own marriage. And I had worried about her. She had talked about leaving, but that’s easier said than done, when you have kids, a house, etc. Her and the other man confessed to each of their spouses, got divorces and are now together.

Though I don’t condone what they did. Is it “The heart knows what the heart wants” And you just can’t stop feelings? Is it easier for us to be judgmental, as we haven’t went through such things?

Bottom line is I want her to be happy. With who ever she is with. She is a great lady and has a lot to offer a person. And would she of had the courage to just up and leave without this affair happening??


The other person I want to bring up is a guy who we know, married with 4 kids, very prominent position in his church and community. He had a single woman assistant who helped him in our remodel. At one time I walked into our house from being gone for a few hours, and they both bolted away from each other… as if they were very close to each other. Another time one of my sons saw the two of them kissing by the mans work truck, through his bedroom window, and I saw the very same thing as I pulled into my driveway one day. Again they bolted from each other, but I know what I saw. It has always bothered me. We said nothing to him or his wife, who we know very well. Maybe she already knows? Maybe not? Maybe it was just an oops moment? (Is there even such a thing) Maybe almost getting caught was enough for him to be faithful? If this was an affair it would cause embarrassment to him and his wife in his church and community that he is very active in.

I have a very happy and fulfilling marriage. But I find it so interesting - what makes other people tick. How do people get to this point?

Have you been through an affair and would like to share your point of view? Have you been like us - maybe know something isn’t right, yet said nothing? And even more, would you want to be told about your spouse if someone knew something?






Missty over at Life is Good






11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like this subject, as bad as it is. I hope there are responses. As I think their might be a possiblility my husband might of had an affair a long time ago with a co worker. But how do I know for sure, when I have asked and he has said no? I love him, so I don't want to move on. But I wish I knew for sure.

Any ideas to help me?

Danielle said...

I have been around "cheating" my whole life and it has affected me in very different and profound ways. It is a sad thing no matter what side of the coin you are on. I am 38 years old and am still battleling (sp) old ghosts.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Cheating is hard. I definitely have seen friends and other family go through this and it has always been hard for me to understand.

I am like you... why not just leave your spouse first?

But obviously it isn't what we think.

I think a lot of people are surprised that they BECOME that person... the one that cheats... It think most times it happens little by little until they are so caught up in it they don't know a way out. Most times they still love their spouse but they don't want to give up their NEW relationship.

I don't speak by experience, but for a school paper I had to write about it and I interviewed a few people who had been through it, on both ends. And in the majority of people that I talked to... that is what they said.

I don't know about telling the other person, from what I could gather a lot of the suspected but didn't really WANT to know until they were READY, does that make sense???

Cheating is a hard thing and not always easy to define. It sucks and ruins not just the couples lives that is involved, but people that love them are also effected.

I'm kind of in and out with this blog for a bit, but read this and wanted to comment.

Thanks guys.

Amber Lynae said...

I don't know if I would want to know. I would never be able to complete heal. I know how I can be. I think I would end up hurting the relationship more. Well that is assuming I found out and he wanted to stay. I guess if it was truly over for my husband than I would want to know so I could move on. But if we were staying together, then I don't know if I could move past it. I think it would end up over before long after finding out.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

This is a great topic. I think this sort of thing happens a lot more than people think.
I greatly suspected my ex-fiance of cheating on me. In fact its why we broke up. He never admitted to anything but the late nights online while I was in the bedroom trying to sleep, closing the screen when I entered the room and lots of late nights "studying".
In the end we were just in differnet places in life. I was already working full time and he was still in school and wanted to go to law school afterwards.
I think people just stop talking to each other (that's what happened to us) and rarely is it all one persons fault. I know if I had tried harder to talk to him things may not have happened. But who knows.

Anonymous said...

I think it "just happens" slowly. Your friends, then your a little attracted and then there is an affair. And really if you were complete in your marriage then you wouldn't need to look elsewhere for a friend...

Would I tell someone I suspected thier spouse was having an affair - only if it was a super close friend.

Would I want to know - yes.

KLM

The Nice One said...

Something I've been trying to blog about lately. Hard to "write" about when it's such a sensitive topic for so many.
I would say that 99% of the time I do not believe that it "just happens" I think that most people know they are going down that road and have ample opportunities to stop, turn around, and get it back together.
I don't buy the "I don't know what happened..." line. It's a choice, and a bad one.

Missty said...

Anon - Sorry you suspect your husband, I hope you can find the answers you are looking for.

Danielle - I have had extended family members cheat, and yes it does affect everyone around them.

Shelle - I think you are right on with your thoughts.

Amber, yeah not sure I would want to know or not.


Andrea - I am with you - it is never one sided. Somehow both parties created a problem in the relationship for it to have cracks in it that lead to cheating and an affair.

Anon - I think it could just happen as well. I really believe my friend when she told me its not what she had planned. I know she was unhappy with her marriage, but I still don't think she "planned" the affair. I think it started as a good friendship and went from there.

Nice one - Yeah I think they could turn around or maybe stop. And I think many do. Thats why they are still married to the spouse. Or many realize what is happening and continue, knowing they wanted out from the beginning, and this is there way out?

Interesting comments. Not a pleasant subject. Lots of hurt and wounds involved. BUt still interesting.

Anonymous said...

Long ago I was interested in a single guy. My husband knew he was a "good friend" I wondered if it would go farther, but it never did more than a friendship. Sometimes I wanted it to, and maybe it would of, if I had pushed it.

I was unhappy, my husband was unhappy. Both of us werebusy with our own lives, and work,etc.

This guy started to date a lady, and we remained good friends, and then I decided to make my husband importnt again. It worked. we are close and happy again.

Maybe if you find a friend while a relationship is a little rocky things can happen. Everyone has those ups and downs. We just have to make sure another person doesn't come into the picture during a down moment.

good blog topic.

Tricia said...

well, i'm going out on a limb here, but i was the cheater in my marriage. i never in my life thought i would be saying that about myself. in fact, it was the thing i said i would NEVER do, because i saw so much trauma and drama from my own parents' situation.

i will say it was not planned. i was in a very comfortable financial situation, just bought a home, no debt, all of my "ducks were in a row". except one thing. i was absolutely miserable in my marriage, and had been for a long time.

we tried therapy both individual, and couples, and while i feel like it helped in some ways, it also made me realize that i was trapped. so i stayed. for the children.

it was the biggest mistake i could have made, because instead of leaving like i wanted to, and making a "cleaner" break, i cheated.

and it's messy. and painful, even though i'm happier in my personal relationship (yes, with the man i cheated with). i don't recommend going about things this way.

i'm trying to sort it all out, but my advice, is if you're unhappy, either make the decision to stay and get really happy with your spouse, or muster up the guts to leave BEFORE you do the damage to people you care about. I wish i had. Things would have been much more peaceful, and I could at least have left the marriage knowing i was not the one who put the last straw on the camel's back.

mother goose said...

cheating starts in the mind first and then in the heart. there is no excuse for it, bottom line.

so your husband is mean etc or your wife gives you no attention. HELLO respect them enough to leave them. SELFISH is what affair spells.

I see how an affair can get kindled quickly. But, it is control. STop your mind from entertaining any possiblilities and avoid situations that will put you there but of course people are flattered when another finds them attractive.

I knew something was up with our 2 couple friends. things were different. I dropped in on our female couple friend and another of our male couple friend were over their with his children. Normally, not a big deal, but this was very very odd feeling as if I broke up something. STRANGE

finally, they tore apart 4 good couple friends because of their affair.
she confided in me. I was also good friends with his wife. WE WERE ALL best of friends. where did my loyalties fall? Finally, I said, I have to tell my other friend, because I am a friend to her and I would want to be told if my husband were cheating on me.
I went to my bishop and my bishop said the husband was telling her the next day.

Sad thing is, we are no longer couple friends. WE aren't friends with any of them. and the friend who I WAS GOING to tell, doesn't like me because I didn't ever tell her. NICE!! WE didn't do anything wrong and I feel like we loss the best of friends.

WE BELONG