Monday, July 13, 2009

Non-existent Communication

My guy and I have the WORST communication.

It's something we and when I say we I mean I, want to work on.

But when we argue it is more like brothers and sisters who bicker at each other, but never really solving anything.

My husband is pretty chill... so he let's things build up... when he's mad and finally lets you know he slays you with WORDS attacking the juglar and no holds bar.

I was taught by example that when in an argument jump ship. Get out fast. Well, say what you have to say, put down the other, and THEN jump ship! Once you jump ship they (your spouse) will follow you and plead for you to forgive them and all will be well.

I tried that at the beginning of our marriage. The first time we fought and I was bawling and hysterical and he was a solid rock with NO emotions and a NO CARE attitude... I said the most hurtful things I could, grabbed my keys, and jumped ship.

Ya know what MSM did? He just let me.

He didn't follow, he didn't plead for my forgiveness... nothing.

I spent hours in a car, cold, and mentally weak. Analyzing and go over every word we said together... and in that state of mind I was saying things like, "It's over! I hate him! What did I get myself into!"

But it only took me one night like that to realize that jumping ship was NOT going to work on my guy.

But discussing is out of the question also. When we start to disagree over something that he knows is serious... all of a sudden he gets this overwhelming urge to sleep. He's absolutely EXHAUSTED... rolls eyes.

So we really haven't found a way to solve this issue. There are things that we don't agree on and yet we can't come to terms with agreeing to disagree because they are important issues... things that deal with family and money and careers.

So I'm excited to learn this week from the other contributors and also from you guys that comment and make this blog fun!

What's the best way for YOU guys to discuss important issues?

This commercial helped a TON... I think i might need to find away to install this contraption!




Denise said...

LMAO! That's too funny! Hard for me to be serious now, I'm still laughing...

Communication is hard sometimes, and in my previous marriage, I sought counseling b/c I was married to a brick. Stone cold, emotionless BRICK!

Apparently, I was going about "talking" to him as a "blaming" game instead of stating an issue and looking for resolution. Blame words like "you do this" or "your fault" all hurt. Instead, I was urged to say how exactly something made me feel. "When _____ happens, I feel like ______." It actually worked for us and he didn't feel attacked. Instead he turned into a big mushpot and wanted to express feelings, and felt like his feeling would actually be heard instead of the finger-pointing we had done before.

It was the best advice I had ever gotten, and I still use it today.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Denise good idea! That would work now I just need my husband to read this! Lol.

The thing is... Is my husband rarely gets mad or thinks things need to be discussed... His favorite thing to say is "if u would just listen to me and do things my way we would never have a problem"... But he knows that I am an independent woman and that I have my own thoughts and ways of doing things....hehehe and he really says that because he knows how to get under my skin. Lol.

But seriously good idea!

IWA (e - va) said...

hah.... My husband says the same thing... "if u would just listen to me and do things my way we would never have a problem"... I usually just end up laughing at him.. because we've tried his way a lot!

Love the vid.. I was laughing even before it started!

My husband and I couldnt communicate.. we eventually were sent to LDS counseling services, because too many neighbors reported our non-communicado yelling and screaming sessions to our bishop! but it helped... we were so immature when we got married, and we really learned to be straight up and truthful about every feeling towards each other without accusing and cutting down the other person!

I think its a process that you both just have to keep working on.. because there are so many times when i find my self falling into my old ways of just screaming hateful things at him instead of telling him, I am _____ (sad), because you said ____ or did ____ and it made me feel like you dont care about my feelings or what ever! but yeah... I tried it with my second child when she was learning to talk and now she can verbally express her feeling so well!

Bex said...

what a practical subject!

and i thought this time i thought hubs and i were the King and Queen of sh***y communication.

i wish i had some great advice but i'm the one who needs it.

i love this blog - although i rarely comment - i love how yall (you all) keep it real. keep it going!

Anjeny said...

The video is funny...thanks for sharing it.

As for your post...when we first got married, I usually kept things bottled up, when we were arguing, he would totally expressed himself but I just couldn't seem to voice what I wanted to say. I have loads of things I wanted to say, all swimming around in my head but when it comes to giving it voice, I just couldn't seem to get it out of my mouth. But as I get older, I don't know, things changed for me, I now can voice my thoughts and I found I can actually throw mean hurtful mean verbal punches. I think I've actually seen my hubby teared up from the hurtful things I threw at him at times..I can only say I did that in self defense.

Anyways, my hubby is the kind of guy who likes to get things off his chest and then we talked about it later after he got down on his knees and profusely apologized for his behavior. Sometimes he said he was sorry even if I was the one who started the fight, gets on my nerves sometimes.

What was trying to get at? My hubby do talk about a lot things...A LOT...we'll even sit down and write out what brought on a fight and what should we do to avoid that specific problem so I think our problem most now about our fights and arguments is that each of us has chosen to have selective hearing. I only choose what I want to hear him say, if I can tell he's going to start in on an argument, I head out the door or go to my room or any room with a lock and lock it and told him, I'll sit and talk with him after he's calmed down...and he does the same thing too. It's been working because it's helped us both to learn to control our anger and therefore not very many hurtful things have been thrown at each other. I'm not saying our marriage is perfect now or that we've mastered that communication skills yet but it's been a lot better than what it used to be. We still slip up now and then but it's something we are willing to keep working at.

You know something...I like the fact that my man is not afraid to show emotion, makes it easier for me to read him and understand him. I don't know how I'd have survive being married to him if he was one of those man who never say what bothers him and doesn't seem to care about how I feel too.

Thanks Shelle for sharing this post. For your question, maybe you could suggest having things written down, you know, if he doesn't like talking about it but it's something really important, have him write it on a piece of paper and then you can go over it. That's what we do sometimes when we just can't seem to come to an agreement or even agreeing to disagree when we are discussing something. Perspectives tend to surface when it's written can see things you weren't able to see before, kwim?

Good luck!

Anjeny said...

Oops, sorry about post long comment, go carried away.

Missty said...

My husband is a quiet one as well. But, we really don't argue at all. Nor do we "over talk" things. lol I really think some couples talk to much till there is an arguement. Well, duh, if you keep talking at me after awhile I will get upset!

I guess you could say we know what pushes each others bottons - so we don't push them. We know how much money there is to spend, so we don't over spend.

We know the chores, etc that have to be done, so we do them. Not much left to worry about or get heated about. kwim?

I am all about simplicity. Keep it simple and life is much easier!

As far as the question: I guess we don't have many important issues? Or any issues I feel are stressful? I don't know. We usually just say whatever it is.

And really like I have said before if it has to do with the house or kids I just take care of. Easier.

If it has to do with working, or the outside, he just does it.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Oh thank u u guys! I honestly know that it will get better little by little. One of these days I'm going to sign us up for one of those marriage conferences and tell him its a mountain biking expo.... Hehe.

I guess I have a hard time articulating exactly how I feel... And he's worse. So baby steps!

Iwa... Seriously thanks for sharing that... I wish my parents would have gone and got therapy... They had a few yelling escapades that I cringe at just thinking about it! Counseling can be a great thing!

Blogging is free therapy and this site is helping a lot!

Thanks again for the input... And Anjeny I love ur long comments!

Where's a Mr Anonymous when u need him... Just saying :)

Homer and Queen said...

Great commercial!!! I'm glad that we can pick our battles now, that is the good part abour aging! Life is too short!