Wednesday, July 1, 2009

"It's easier to REPENT of the deed than to ask for PERMISSION"

Huh, what was that?

This is actually a saying that my friend came up with when we both found out that our hubbies seem to have the same annoying condescending authoritative habit of telling us what we need or DO NOT need.

For example, when my hubby and I are at a store shopping and we'll be pushing our cart along and I saw something that I know either I NEEDED or the kids NEEDED....I picked up said item and asked hubby if we can buy it or if he wasn't with me when I picked out the item, his automatic reflex would usually be he grabbed the item and put it back on the shelf or took out of the cart with the response,
"sorry, WE don't need this stuff".

Me, usually thinking, "hmmmp hello, of course WE don't need it but I need it...I wouldn't have put it in there in the first place if I don't need it. Just because you don't need it doesn't mean that I don't".

Most of the time I just kept quiet about it because I sooo did not want to cause a scene so what did I do? We go home, unload our car, the next day when he goes to work, I go back to the same store and buy the item.

So then the hubby finds out later that I'd gone back and bought the item he rejected, he usually go into some ranting and raving but there's not much he could do about it since I've bought it already and there was no way I am returning said item.

Interesting thing is I found out a few of my friends have the same problem...hubbies constantly shooting down the wives' suggested needed items at the store and they ended up retaliating the same way I do.

Because this happened so many times, I've reduced to just buying whatever it is I feel I needed that I know hubby would turn down and then let him know about it later. I was talking to my friend about this one day and she started laughing because that was the same thing she is dealing with too.

That's where title of this post come in place. I know some of you may think this is underhanded of me to do this but seriously..think about it. If that was you and every time you ask your hubby or tell him that you wanted to buy something and his answers are always ALWAYS, "no, we don't need it", what would you do? I'm sorry but I don't usually shop on a whim...I know perfectly well what our finance situation is and I am very careful when it comes to spending money. So when I said I need a certain item....I MOST CERTAINLY do need that item...notice I did not say WANT but NEED. His response of WE usually means that HE doesn't need it so if he doesn't need it, I do not need it, according to his logic.

So tell me ladies...your hubbies ever done this to you or have you ever done this to your hubbies? And if your answer is yes, what do you do about it? Do you find any truth to my post TITLE or you think that's a load of crap (lol)?


Denise said...

Woah nelly! Hold the phone! Back that truck up! This whole "permission" thing stopped me in my tracks. I'm grown. I put in work, why do I need permission? I don't. Point blank. He might be my daddy behind closed doors *snicker* but he definitely isn't my daddy when it comes to running this household. I know what I need, and some things I convince myself that I need but really just want. Either way, if I'm contributing and it's not going to bounce the rent check, I'm going to get it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't just spend all the dough willy nilly. I'm careful. But I've also got 4 kids who all need things... and want things... and I'll be danged if I gotta deal with a guilt trip, permission or repentance every time I pick up a set of floaties for the 3 y/o boy or some hair grease for the teen. Pfffft!

I'm the queen of garage sales and I am hopelessly addicted to Craigslist. I use coupons and I am always looking for a good sale.

LOL With that said... last night we were in Walgreen's to pick up some Tea Tree Shampoo for the teen and Andy decided he was going to give the ENTIRE family pedicures and told me to pick out some foot-tub salt that I liked. Awww! He's so cute. So instead of getting just the salt, I had my eye on an entire pedicure kit that was twice as much. I did ASK if I could get that. He said, "Whatever you want.." so I got it. Hehe. I love being me. Then, on the way to the register, he picked out a cute color of pink for all our little toesies.

I love that man!

And just to set the record straight, I don't have to ask for permission, I simply do it for the ego-boost he needs. Duh.

valerie said...

Wow. I am a little stunned I guess. If it's more than a few hundred dollars then hubby and I talk about getting the purchase but under that? I get what I want and he gets what he wants. I'm not going to go ask him if I can buy the girl a cute little sundress just because she liked it and I'm sure he's not going to ask my permission to buy some tool to fix his cars with. We have a budget and we know what it is. We try and stay with in that and we discuss the big purchases together. Do I NEED some of the things I buy? Probably not, but I wanted them so I did.

Danielle said...

I am definiteley a car trunk shopper. Leave it in the trunk until hubby is gone and then put it away before he see's it.
I'm just sayin

Denise said...

LMAO that cracks me up Danielle! My step-mom does the same exact thing. She slides stuff in so dad won't notice. He's gonna notice, when he opens up that credit card bill though lol. She's got a trick now though. She plays scratch offs and lotto, so when she wins a little bit, she tucks it away for her secret shopping and doesn't tell anyone. Whatever works. I couldn't be married to my dad, I'd have to stab him in the eye with a hot french fry.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

HA denise HA Danielle--all I can remember is stab someone in the eye with a french fry! Crash needs French Fries cause she is always poking people in the eye and I bet it hurts her fingers...

Anyway Anjeny... NO WAY does my husband get to tell me what or what not to buy.

Okay MOSTLY because i handle the money... He earns it, I spend it and pay the bills. He just shakes his head when I buy something that was more a want then a need.

BUT my sister, she will buy something, put it in her closet for a few months then pull it out so that when she wears it she can say, and he says, "when did you get THAT" she can say with out lying, "Oh this OLD thang???"

Plus men are too logical to understand NEEDS and WANTS and the differences... so I say repent later!!! That or write it in you MARRIAGE CONTRACT that you have in your TRAPPER KEEPER!


The Blonde Duck said...


Works every time.

IWA (e - va) said...

This is the theme of my life.... haha! From a very young age this is exactly how i thought with almost everything... thats why Im always in trouble with everyone!

My husband and I play this game with each other a lot! we both spend and we both tell each other not to waste money on thing! but I buy a lot of crap and My husband is a hard core saver! He saves every last penny! It drives me crazy!

I usually end up doing exactly as shelle's sister (closet thingy) and danielle (trunk shopper)!

Anjeny said...

Denise..thanks for the comment. Yes, I do have that mentality too, I'm an adult, why should I be asking for permission but I do that out of courtesy for him...since he is the one earning the dough, I thought it only fair he knows what I'm spending the money on to begin with. I know I would want him to put in the same consideration I do him if the roles were reversed..kwim?

I haven't gotten into the Craig list thing yet, I should check that out. Oh yeah, your hubby is such a darn

Anjeny said...

My hubby saves every penny...he's always looking for ways to cut cost, he would come home for lunch so he doesn't eat out or he has me sack his lunch so I get why he's the way he is.

Over the years, he's been learning to hold back on his quick response because he knows that if he says no, I would mostly certainly disregard it and do it anyways....and like I said earlier, I ask his permission on the spending mostly out of courtesy to him as the person who earns the money.

Denise said...

Resident blogtard checking in... What is kwim?

I sure if I wasn't working I would feel differently. I wouldn't feel justified blowing money on things if I didn't really need them. Right now, I am a WAHM doing transcription and I keep a couple kids during the week too, in addition to our own four. He does earn the majority of the money, and we discuss most spending, especially if it's a doozy, out of respect for each other. Although, I refuse to let him go to the store alone or everything in my house would be the Dollar General brand lol. He doesn't understand why the DG Hand Soap bottle isn't pretty in the main bathroom.

Is it wrong to promise sexual favors for a pretty new red microwave? LOL I'm almost out of options here and I really, really want one. I'm sure he'd see it if I hid it in the closet, and my minivan doesn't have a trunk.

And craigslist, don't get me started! I'm a craigslist junkie to the core. You should totally check it out!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

HOW FUNNY Denise... I was wondering that same thing. I'm always asking what the acronyms are.

but I figured this one out all on my own.

So hopefully ANjeny doesn't care if I give it a guess:

Know What I Mean???


Anjeny said...

Danielle, trunk shopper...LOL..I love that. I do that a lot. If I buy something that wasn't usually what I budgeted for or wasn't planning on buying but then it has a great price or deal, I buy it, and keep it in the back of my van, hubby never bothers to look in I hide in the closet like Shelle's

Iwa...I knew I like you from the first time I laid eyes on your really are a rebel. I pick fights with my hubby all the time and we have a major thing we fight about so I never wanted it to be about money that's why I try to be conservative in my spending.

Anjeny said...

Sorry Denise..I thought everyone knows that one. Yes Shelle, that's what it means.

Yes I babysit sometimes..not full time so that money, I spend without any remorse...I call that my play money. And sometimes I do airport run, I drive people to the airport or pick them and they pay me...that money also is my play money..hubby has no say in what I do with it.

It's the money that he earns since it's family money, he does have a major say on where it's going and I'm ok with that...I only get mad at him and get back at him when he does what I wrote in the post.

Missty said...

A BIG FAT NO here. My husband has NEVER told me I don't need something or put that back, etc. Nor have I EVER thought I needed to ask him. Nor have I EVER done that to him. Not EVER! We are both adults. My husband brings home all the money as well, it still would not happen.

And really I would be DAM mad, if I put something in the cart, and he took it out and told me like a child we didn't need it.

We both save and spend as needed... or not needed. lol We both know the money, and know the bills. Its pretty simple here - if it is in the checkbook, it is there to spend. All important - savings, etc. is taken out automatically.

It would have to be a big purchase, maybe up over $500.00 to be asked about. But he has purchased a few vehicles without me. lol I did know we were going to be looking at a new one, for him. He happen to see it, so he got it, he did call me from the dealership. I said if you like it get it, your driving it.

Also with all the above said - I have never done the "keep it in the trunk, or in the closet" stuff.

Just not into the games couples play, this is a big one. Control issues.

And if I was you , I would get out Sages trapper Keeper and this would be something I would write down. This day forward, I do not have to ask for permission OR make up excuses for things I buy! I am an equal adult in the marriage.

Anjeny said...

Oh Denise, you're tempting Mostly my spending goes to buying StampinUp stuff, if I get on the Craig list, our house will start littering with little knick knacks.

Anjeny said...

I like that idea Missty..take out a Sage trapper Keeper.

He's learned over the years that his condescending attitude is not giving him the results he wanted...actually I've told him one time when he did what I wrote in the post about the fact that the only reason I ask his permission in the first place was I was being courteous and respectful to him but if he was going to keep shooting me down like that, I wasn't going to ask him anymore...I will just do it.

And I did one time...I was at the end of my ropes the last time he did it and I just went back to the store and not only did I buy what I asked him about, but I came back with a cart full of stuff I did not even he's learned to lighten up a bit.

I thought I'd post about this because just recently I found out a friend of mine was having this problem and there were other friends of mine whose in this situation too...I suppose I thought this might be NORM, I dunno.

I ♥ you ladies...I ♥ all your response. At least now I know that if I ever get into a little bit of a selfish mode(lol) I know I'm not alone? LOL

Danielle said...

Oh, I am so going to get busted for admiting this, but I have two things going for me on
"He's gonna notice, when he opens up that credit card bill though lol."
1st, I pay the bills so that helps, but I also have the benifit of a husband that does not listen to me, EVAH!!!
So when he asks what something is for, I just tell him "Ohh, that was when you told me to just put the groceries on my credit card and I could transfer the money to pay it off." I can use this over and over again because he DOESN"T LISTEN...

Anjeny said...

Oh Danielle, you sneaky thing you!! Aren't you worried he might catch on soon? Then again, I guess if he doesn't listen, you're lucky then.

Missty said...

Anjeny - See I really don't see it as courteous and respectful. I see it as a control thing. You ask, he denys. Or you ask and he is the ever loving saint because you got to buy what you needed or wanted. Not respectful at all in my eyes, but controlling and superior?

Umm, you might not get paid for all you do at home... thats because he could NEVER afford all the stuff you have to do!! LOL So, he is dam lucky to have you just doing a Target run every now and then!! LOL

And does he ask you for every purchase he makes? Or is it because he brings home the bacon so he doesn't have to?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Can I just say I really love this little blog community. l love reading all the comments.

High Five Anjeny. My hub is the King of rolling his eyes and saying we don't NEED this. I have gone through this stage of hiding things and telling little white lies about what I buy.

It's way better now but my MIL still does this. When she comes to visit we go shopping and she buys books or old vases or other things her hub says she doesn't need. She comes home and says Look, Honey. Look what Debbie bought.

Sorta nausiating.

April said...

Early in our marriage we would go shopping. I would ask my hubby what he thought (more of a second opinion-definitely NOT for permission). He always said "yes". Our funniest story that he tells is that he said "no" to me once. "Just to see how it felt".

I don't usually buy something we don't need, and he understands that I won't buy something we don't need. It's called trust.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

If it makes you feel any better, I'm usually the one saying "I want I want" and have to put things back on the shelf. Usually this is in Costco, where the conversation goes like this:

ME: Ooooh peanut butter.
WW™: Um, we don't need a five gallon drum so soon after buying the five gallon drum last week. But thanks for playing.

Seriously, I understand saving some ducats, but if there are things you need, you need 'em. In order to get around this, make a budget. Get that amount and spend it as you see fit.

Anjeny said...

Thanks guys for the comment. Love them all.

DGB..I now have my own checking account where he direct deposit a certain amount I can do whatever I want for myself...he actually came out and said it has be spent on MYSELF not him or the kids so if I ended up spending it on anyone else and have none left over for myself, I have to wait til the next deposit so it's all kewl.

April..I am soo happy to see you in here, thanks for the input.

Crash, high five right back at ya girl. I'm still trying to visualize ur Al rolling his eyes at you. And that was very underhanded of your MIL, I'd be nauseated too if I were

Missty...I never thought about it that way, the controlling part that is. But yeah when he does spend money, he asks me about it too but unlike him, I don't give him the same response he gives me.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I wanted second Crash's sentiment... I've been loving the camaraderie with all the comments!

Mike said...

Wow, I'm a guy and I can't imagine my girlfriend or boyfriend to ask me about everything to purchase. those of you that do need to have a chat with your significant other and have a heart to heart about trust and respect. I stay home mom is the hardest job out there. You deserve the most respect of any career. Don't devalue that because you think you don't "earn the dough" you're wrong. stand up and demand respect.


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

HEY I LIKE Mike! Welcome Welcome! Do come back and spread you knowledge daily!

Thanks for coming by!

So what do you have to say about what he says Anjeny??? hmmm...

Denise said...

You can never have too much peanut butter. I love peanut butter.

Anjeny said...

Yes Shelle...I like MIKE too. What a guy!!

Mike, thank you for the advice.

Missty said...

I asked my husband about this. He said it would drive him up the wall, if I asked him for every little thing. "Just get what we need and be done with it." LOL

That got me thinking, does he do all the shopping with you? Or is this situation just when you are out and about together.
If it was just together, then I would for darn sure, shop while he was gone.

Anjeny said...

Missty, I can see how that would be exhausting for your hubby but no, I don't ask him for every little thing we buy.

We shop together sometimes, other times he does the shopping and the other times I do the shopping. It's those times when we are shopping together and I just happen to see something I need that I asked about.

I think he's programmed himself to say that to see what I would do...and he's learning now. He start to see that if he actually want to save money, to not give me that kind of response or I ended up retaliating and spending more that the item asked for, kwim?

I appreciate you checking back and all your great comments.

G in Berlin said...

I agree with a lot of the above posters. I am actually shocked at the concept that I would ask my husband's permission for anything that did not threaten our family (like sky diving) or require him to be without me for a significant time (like a weekend away without the family). The second is a courtesy, so we can see if it works with everyone's plans.
I SAHM, after many years in the workforce, I control all the finances and moneyflow, and if my husband thought to control or second guess my expenditures, I would have not SAH. What a disrespectful attitude. My husband is darned glad I'm home and if he devalued me in that way, he would lose my respect. I don't say that I would immediately look to WOHM, but it would have an impact on our marriage that would require counselling.The worst aspect of this article was whe you said he took things you had chosen and returned them. Wow.

Cookie Crums said...

The word permission made me cringe!!!

My man has no clue what I buy. I have to say though.....I have a couple of items I splurge on on and bags (And I may or may not put them away and bring them about slowly and with some inbetween time. I don't need to justify them. I just don't want to hear him witch about them). But this is one of the reasons why he has his money and I have mine.