Friday, July 17, 2009

Shacking Up

Communication is key in a marriage. I think anyone married or not would agree. My marriage is no different. We have to communicate about the menu for the week, the bills, the kids but what my husband and I most recently communicated about was something else altogether.

When my hubby suggested that I take our two kids back to the US while he finished out his work contract a few months ago I think my first thought was pretty euphoric. The thought of moving home was pretty much all I was thinking about. It took me awhile to realize that if three of us left (and all the furniture with us) where would my husband sleep? And whose house would he be sleeping in?

Enter Piano Girl She has a three bedroom apartment in the city and offered to let hubby live there. With her. They also work together. They recently had to start sharing an office due to downsizing and are both in the same job just with different clients.

You should hear how their boss views this new twist to their relationship. He's befuddled by it.

Of course my hubby is a smarty pants and plays up the whole thing. He makes jokes about sharing a bottle of wine in the evening after a hard day at work. My husbands boss thankfully has come to if not love but at least understand his warped sense of humor. But it still puzzles him. I imagine rumors are flying now that I'm gone and my husband is living with another woman.

And the strangest part?

It doesn't bother me a bit. In fact I think it's kind of funny. I can just see them in the evenings - hubby will cook (she's admitted to not being domestically inclined. She told him to leave his ironing and the maid will do it for him. I'm three shades of jealous of that perk he gets to enjoy.) And they will chat about something like movies or books over the dinner table. Or work since they spend their days together as well.

I 100% trust hubby and Piano Girl. After all she and I went to Bremen together for a blog weekend and over a glass or three of wine we bonded.

If my husband and I didn't have the ability to communicate about everything and on every level there would be no way this could work out. We talked out every possibility and thought about it from every angle. In the end my husband shacking up with Piano Girl becomes a win-win for all of us. She gets to split her rent and have someone cook for her, he gets a place to live and I get to enjoy the benefits of being home six months earlier than planned.

So do I mind my hubby shacking up with Piano Girl? Not a bit.

I am looking forward to the stories that will come from it.

Would you be so casual if it was your spouse in the same situation? Can you trust your spouse implicitly? Tell me what you really think.

Venus and Mars


Missty said...

Simple this would not happen.

I would not put me, my husband and another in this situation. I have seen it a few times, and it has not been pretty. I am writing a post about this very subject!

♥ Braja said...

Er....mind if I just sit here and whistle?

JennyMac said...

While I don't foresee this situation, I learned long ago people are going to do what they are going to do. I certainly won't sign him up to live with someone else (well..sometimes that might be tempting...LOL) but we can't control other people. You are spot is all about trust. I think I am a great wife and mother, certainly not perfect, but he found someone who is a better fit for him, I can't stop that train. Hopefully, he believes this is not possible. :)

Captain Dumbass said...

That's great that you have that level of trust. Now, if the shoe was on the other foot, would he be just as understanding?

Anjeny said...

I would have to go with Missty on this one. I know you trust your husband completely but I would never put anyone in this situation.

I'm curious though, what would you do if your hubby and Piano Girl end up truly shacking up? kwim by this?

But I will wish you all the are a brave soul, indeed.

Mommies-Miracles said...

I am single but I can definitely see the downside to this. I've seen things like this and I've seen marriages come crashing down. If it were me, I wouldn't and could not do it.

valerie said...

Ok Sis you are much braver than I because I would have to say a big HELL NO for me. Do I trust my hubby, yes, but why put them in the situation? If you are comfortable with it, then that's all that really matters right?

Homer and Queen said...

Trust is one thing, standed on a desert island is another!!!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Thank you all for your responses. My husband and I have been reading the responses together (because he's here for a few weeks) and I have to say I'm sort of surprised by the responses.

I trust my husband completely and if you say you trust your spouse completely how could there be a problem? Granted we are looking at 5-8 months apart (hopefully shorter) The time frame isn't something we have control over.

For the benefit of our family (ie our kids who need some extra support) doing this was our best option.

To answer the question of would he be so understanding - I don't know, I would like to think he would grant me the same trust. But I do understand men/woman think a bit differently.
If he shacked up truly with Piano Girl - well, then that would be his loss. However I trust both of them completely and if I didn't have the trust on BOTH sides, this would never work. I know Piano Girl and she is our friend and has been for over 18 months. I would trust her with my kids without question.

My situation isn't for everyone but the only thing about it that gave me pause was if they could live together and not kill each other :)

G in Berlin said...

I trust my husband completely and he trusts me and in fact I (not he) have shared a hotel room (while travelling) with a friend of the opposite sex. But that's a friend for 20 years and for a short trip to Paris to live a dream of his dead wife's. Otherwise, no. And certainly not for 6 months. Especially if they share a bottle of wine. I think people are strong and decent but that's a really long time to set people up to be very close together, particularly if they get along well. Regrettable things can occur, and I just think it's not sensible.
Different if she were a very old friend, or your very dear friend, or if she is in a strong relationship. Any of those true?

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

My first knee jerk reaction was a resounding NO...but then, really, I do trust my husband and if the situation were similar (knowing the person he's going to be roommates with temporarily) and trusting that person too does make a difference. Communication is still the key for all aspects - to keep that trust alive. :) Though G in Berlin does have some valid questions... :)

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I would be curious to know how WonderWife™ would react if this were us. I know that I can be trusted, as I'm loyal as a bloodhound.

Amber Lynae said...

I would have a hard time agreeing to that situation.

kyooty said...

I'm too possessive for this to work for me.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

I would only have a problem with it if Piano girl was obviously better looking then me...

April said...

My husband and I have an awesome relationship. We trust each other implicitly. There is however, a difference between trusting each other and putting yourself into a situation that could in a moment of weakness cause one to faulter.

You will be separated for a long period of time. I have had friends for over 20 years that made decisions that made my head spin! I have had close friends who felt that they trusted their spouses wholly and their spouse "out of the blue" made a decision that changed the course of their marriage.

As a result, my husband and I have learned from these people and decided NEVER to put ourselves in a situation that would compromise our relationship. That does not equate not trusting each other. To us it is common sense. To us it is dealing with the laws of nature, the laws of attraction.

Rachel Sue said...

I think that while trust is a huge issue, creating such a situation would never, ever happen. For one major reason.

About a year ago my best friend was caught cheating with her next door neighbor. ie her husband's best friend,and her best friend's husband. Someone that both of them trusted. Someone that they went on vacation with more than once. And do you know how it happened? Not overnight. Nope. Over the course of a year they were thrown together, alone, a lot. They started to confide in each other, trust each other. They weren't necessarily going through a hard time in their own marriage, but a busy time. Their needs (physical and emotional) were not being met and they kind of fell into each other.

And that, that is why it will never happen to us. I trust my husband. I do. But I plan to never give him the chance to be around another woman long enough to fall for her. (Not that it will happen to you. Just saying.)

Kimberly said...

My first thought after reading your post was "your husband will probably come away from all of this feeling very grateful to be married to you" b/c if I were in your husband's shoes every moment spent with someone else would not be as great as it would be with my spouse. I think b/c there is such trust and communication between you two that this time apart will only strengthen that.

I also think that it is difficult to say if I would be okay with my hubby living in the same situation, b/c every person, every circumstance is different. I do know that it would be easiest on both of us emotionally if we lived alone rather than with someone of the opposite sex; however, if the situation came about and the roommate was a good fit (trustworthy, mature, etc) then we might decide to go the route you two did, but it is hard to know for sure unless I'm in that type of circumstance.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Actually I am the same way as Andrea. I could easily let my husband do that. If u knew him u would understand why. Its his person...his character...he wouldn't do anything to lose his family...of course u can be a skeptic and say "that's what she said" but I just know.

So I'm saying I understand! :)

SciFi Dad said...

As much as I trust my spouse, I don't think I could trust another person - "friend" or not - that much.

Eva Gallant said...

I'm with April on this one! Common sense dictates to me that you just don't create that type of situation.