Not sure if this has been addressed much on this blog and I hope you are all up for some major openness from me. If you don't want to talk about sex do not read any further. If you are okay with discussing... read on.
You're still here? Okay, don't say I didn't warn you.
Hubby and I are coming up on anniversary #10! WOOHOO! (I'm doing the happy dance right now- it's making it hard to type). I have learned a lot about my desires vs. Hubby's desires over this time.
Since I was a virgin until my wedding night I didn't really know what to expect- other than the info I learned from those "maturation" videos in school and the REALLY awkward talks with BOTH mom and dad. Ya, Dad got in on the action too. Don't even go there!
So, since I didn't really have first-hand experience we just indulged in a lot of missionary style activities. It took a while for me to realize that there are other things to do, ways to do it and all that stuff. It has only been in about the last year that I have been very vocal with Hubby as to exactly what I like. I don't like certain parts to be neglected during sex and such. He told me openly where he likes me to kiss him (on his neck under his ear). Good things to know. I just wish we hadn't waited so long to be more open.
It has totally improved our intimacy/sex/whatever you want to call it. Do you openly ask for things? Have you always been comfortable with talking about sex with each other? I want a good discussion going here, so I am hoping to break the record for comments on this blog. Come on people. Get in on the action... I mean the discussion.
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26 comments:
I'll admit that we don't have open and frank discussions about what we want - but with 15 years of practice, we've kinda figured it out... through "non-verbal" communication :)
I am more vocal than he is. He was the less experienced one when we got together. I think being open with each other tho is key to having a fulfilling sex life, verbal or non-verbal ;). I recently told a friend to write what she wanted in lipstick on the bathroom mirror because she said she couldn't tell her husband face to face. Another suggestion I gave her was to text him. She took my advice and texted her husband something she wanted to do that they had never done before - when he came home, they seriously got down to business he was so turned on. A little note can do wonders.
We talk openly. I don't have a problem talking about sex. So many think it shouldn't be discussed its taboo, or bad, or nasty. Its none of the above. Its good, and fun and wonderful.
So many parents don't talk about it or "barely" talk about it, and make it shameful, and bad, etc. And its never discussed and it carries over to adulthood. It continues with the next generation. And that is why we can't talk about it... anywhere. Not in the Bedroom, on a message board, etc. Some have hang ups.
My husband and I talk about it, always have, before marriage and now after 26 years. What we like, what we don't. What we want to try different or new.
I am also open with our kids. If they ask questions we answer. And have always been very open about sex. Never to tell them it is bad. Nor do we just do the "talk"
And now its interesting to see my boys and there teen cousins. Who have the very standard one time talk. Those kids laugh hysterical or make fun if anything sexual is said or brought up. My kids, don't. and are more respectful, as it doesn't embaress them, and its not a shock.
As for some ideas -Pick up a few books for some ideas.
Talking is overrated. I just shove his face where I want it and he minds well. LOL
T- I know practice makes perfect, but question- hasn't some of your desires changed over time? Just curious. It's only been 10 years and I can tell you that I am VERY different in many aspects when it comes to bedroom play.
BW- That is a great idea. If I had my own master bathroom I totally would do the lipstick thing. Maybe I'll try a text or note on the bed. (I get home after he is already in bed.)
Misty- I totally agree. My parents were very private about sex (open about affection, though) until I was a teenager and learned way too much from friends and TV. Now that they are open with me sometimes it grosses me out to have them tell me stuff. I have tried to be open with my kids, but on their level, since they are still in the single-digit ages. Hopefully Hubby and I will do a good job of helping them understand what sex really is all about and that it is great!
Denise- Heehee! TMI! Funny, too! Thanks for sharing. I think that is a great idea too. Sometimes all they need is a little nudge. AND- men rarely turn down anything we are willing to try. Am I right?
Thanks everyone, so far, for your comments. I'm calling out Sage, Mr. Anon, Cameron, and GBD and all the other guys that visit. WHERE are you!?!?!? I KNOW this is something you have more than 2 cents about.
I think sex has been on youngbloods mind alot lately.
Since, Mrs Anonymous and myself were both virgins as well on our wedding night, we just talked about what we liked and didn't like. We talked about how far we are willing to experiment and what is completely taboo for us. And since day one of our marriage its been fabulous in the bedroom department. Don't get me wrong, we don't always have to call the paramedics to come over and pull the sheets out of Mrs Anonymous toes. But, there are plenty of times we do *wink*. It's all because we are frank and open on sex, on what we like and don't like to do. By the way, there are only a few things in the don't category.
I am just saying
Mr Anonymous
I LOVE DENISE's comment... AMEN sista!!! Of course we have men that just want to make us happy anyway right? As long as we are happy they get want the want!!!
I was like you YoungBlood... Sex was BAD before I was married, and then the night before I get married I have everyone giving me ideas and hints and suggestions of what to try and that it is BEAUTIFUL and wonderful...
Are you kidding me? I can't just switch 20 plus years of what someone has told me is true and then just shrug and say, "Okay... lets get our inner porn on!"
It has taken me 9 years and maturing to even START to ask for what I want. It's been a long road for my husband I'm sure because he didn't have the same switch to switch... getting off was good to him from the age he knew how to. So he knew it could be wonderful...
I on the other hand was TERRIFIED!!!
Now though, now I talk about it. I have books that would make some of you blush, books on positions and how to get and where to get the best pleasure possible, we read them together, sometimes I read stuff alone so I can surprise him, either way I figure I had to get educated on other things in life that I wanted to be good at, why not sex? But those books have some INCREDIBLE information in them that has REALLY kept our sex life fun and interesting.
But I have been learning in the last year and a half that the best way to get the maximum fun and pleasure from intimacy is to just tell them what feels good or tell them what makes you curious and give it a try. Sometimes it's worth it and sometimes, well, it isn't, but we tried and now we know!
Anyway we are comfortable talking about it now, but I kinda had to grow up first and mature about the topic... which is sad.
So I hope I can be more productive in letting my kids know how much it is worth it to wait, because of my religion and morals I was raised with and want to pass down to my kids, but I also want them to know how incredible it can be with the right person and that it is nothing to be scared of.
HMMMM... maybe?
Thanks for this post. I hope more people find the time to respond. I am also curious as to what they think!
Thanks Shelle to let me know that I've been called out!
WonderWife™ and I are very good communicators...both in the bedroom and outside of it. So I never feel like telling each other what we want/don't want has been an issue.
We're at an interesting time right now because the hormones of nursing pretty much shut down her desire for sex. We're at that exhaustion stage of dealing with a troublesome 3 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. So our issue right now isn't what we do or don't want...it's how do we get ourselves back to having a regular sex life. (Thought that is another post for another time.)
hahahaha Mr. ANonymous @ not calling the paramedics!
For us though, everytime we have to call 9-1-1... they know us by name now. But at least we are being safe about it! hehehe!
Neither hubby or I were virgins so in that respect we already knew things we liked/didn't like. Sex was not discussed in my house (I actually don't think we ever had the sex talk when I was a kid) so that gave me some pretty messed up ideas maybe about feeling like sex was icky/bad rather than normal and good.
I can tell my hubby what I want (and that has changed over time, I've become more open as the years have passed all ten of them now) I still prefer to give more clues when we are in the mood physically rather than verbally (say Let's talk about sex! and I will have flaming tomato red cheeks in about 3 seconds) but he is pretty used to that by now and knows how to get me to talk about stuff.
I would say I have gotten so much more comfy with me, my body and my sexual self as I've gotten older. I'm actually more comfy telling him what I want now than I ever have been.
Mr. Anon- Is there a problem with me being obsessed with sex lately? Just wondering. I am hitting my hormone prime and LOVING it, so I like to get input whenever/wherever possible. Thanks for your thoughts. Hey, do you have 911 on your speed-dial yet? Just a thought.
Shelle- You rock~! It is hard to do a 180 with the idea of sex. I was 23 when I got married. I had a roommate that had sex with her boyfriend while I was in the room (that is a story for another time) and so I learned some weird stuff from her. NO, I didn't watch. She thought I was asleep- on the top bunk bed. HOW was I to sleep when she was rocking the whole thing? To this day there are Enya songs I can't listen to (she would play it loud to mask the noise- like that helped!). Oh, I strayed, sorry!
GBD- I am sad for you right now. I have been in WW's position- have 4 kids. The hormone fluctuation is crazy. Unless WW is the kind to nurse for like 5 years just remember that this is only for a short time, then her girls (heehee) will be all yours again.
Andrea- usually in the heat of the moment is not when Hubby and I talk about what we want. It is usually what gets us in the mood. If it is a new position or something a little extra we I will bring it up to him with something like- "hey, guess what I would like to do?" He loves to hear that. So far I haven't had any complaints.
I have found that during sex my speech isn't so tame. Is that TMI? Is that normal?
I don't ask, I TELL (looking around to make sure wife is nowhere near).
jk
We've done it all....we're total freaks. We should make a movie....oh wait ;) We don't ask what to do, it's more like "Don't do that anymore, I don't like you shoving things there" ;)
Cameron- ya, that's a good thing to do. I am usually "Don't do that," in the middle of it, or distract Hubby some other way then tell him later. But really- not too much that we haven't agreed on yet.
"Sex was BAD before I was married, and then the night before I get married I have everyone giving me ideas and hints and suggestions of what to try and that it is BEAUTIFUL and wonderful...
Are you kidding me? I can't just switch 20 plus years of what someone has told me is true and then just shrug and say, "Okay... lets get our inner porn on!"
"It is hard to do a 180 with the idea of sex."
BINGO!! THIS IS WHAT WAS SAID A FEW POSTS BACK. WHAT A DRAG TO HAVE TO TAKE 9 YEARS TO FIGURE IT OUT. THIS IS DUE TO THE OVER UP TIGHTNESS/RELIGIOUS ASPECTS OF SEX. TODAY - BAD. TOMORROW GET IT ON??
"Sex was not discussed in my house (I actually don't think we ever had the sex talk when I was a kid) so that gave me some pretty messed up ideas maybe about feeling like sex was icky/bad rather than normal and good."
ANOTHER BINGO. MAYBE A POST ON HOW BAD WAITING CAN MESS UP YOUR HEAD FOR YEARS?
A.T.R.
Anon- really- I don't think it is all about the uptightness of religion. Not dogging on people who don't have my same values here.
"THIS IS DUE TO THE OVER UP TIGHTNESS/RELIGIOUS ASPECTS OF SEX."
I have a lot of friends who came from similarly religious families and they were very open about sex in their families. It really just depends on the parents, don't you think?
"...HOW BAD WAITING CAN MESS UP YOUR HEAD FOR YEARS?"
I don't think my head was messed up for waiting. I had a number of experienced friends in high school and college. I am so glad that I never worried about being a pregnant teen, STD's, etc. I think there are positives to waiting and being in a stable relationship and being able to deal with all consequences of having sex such as having kids. I wouldn't have changed my experience for anything.
I am just most curious about the communication thing. I know there are people who have really screwed communication, if any, even though they have been having sex for YEARS. Are we open with our spouse/partner? HOW do you share your feelings.
Anonymous or any other contributor or reader... I also think it would be interesting to post about what Anonymous has brought to the table. Please Please go ahead and write it and send it to our email. Anonymously of course. Every side of an issue should be discussed.
I don't feel it was my religion, per say, although I'm not denying it has some affect, honestly, it was the way my parents approached me about it... the way the leaders talked about it... They are not the religion, they being uncomfortable to talk to me about it, is more the issue for me.
Of course I understand why they approached it the way they approached it, because they didn't want it to sound so awesome that I ended up having sex before marriage. Truly believing my religion and all it teaches I understand why they did what they did... but personally, I think there is a way to talk to your children about sex letting them know what to expect, not conveying that it is dirty and gross and bad, but that WITH the right person, it is incredible and can be incredible. That it isn't something to be afraid of.
To think about it, no where does it tell me in the gospel, that I follow and believe, that sex is bad. In fact it promotes sex... telling us to procreate, as long as we are in the bonds of marriage, it's not uptight, well not to me.
I said it took me 9 years to be able to feel comfortable just talking about it. But the sex wasn't bad, not in the least, our sex life has been GREAT. Of course like any couple we progress and learn as we get to know each other and our bodies... but believe me when I say, doing it missionary style or with me on top for many years did not, in the least, hurt our sex life.
Just as I have grown older and have gained a different perspective on sex and educating myself and reading up on other ways to get pleasure we have enjoyed progressing that way, together.
You're right, if I didn't have my religion in my life I would have probably started having sex a lot earlier, I would have tried out different partners and figured out earlier what I liked and didn't like during sex.
But that is not the way my life went.
I do think back and wish that someone would have talked to me about sex in more of an open minded kind of way. So that it wasn't one day it was NO and the next day it was YES... I wish I would have been more excited to try sex. But honestly, and remember I was married young, besides the honeymoon stage of marriage (the first year or so) when we were doing it like rabbits... most of those years my DESIRE to have sex wasn't there. In fact, it sucked.
But... since my last birthday, maybe a little before that, something changed in my body... and I'm like a teenage boy. I want sex all.the.time! So I am way more open to talk about it because it's all I think about, okay, not ALL i think about... but more so than I ever did. Just being honest here folks.
So maybe if I had felt this way during the early years in our marriage it would have been a whole different ball game... I probably would have been curious a lot earlier and would have talked about it more to my husband about my wants and needs and stuff.
But it didn't happen that way... and I can't say I regret it because it just keeps getting better and better!!! :)
Wait Cameron... does that statement "We don't ask what to do, it's more like "Don't do that anymore, I don't like you shoving things there" ;)" go both ways??? hehe
Cameron - Way funny! lol
Shelle - I get what your saying. And I think its normal that sex gets better. Sex is much better in my 40's than my 30's, and in my 30's it was much better than my 20's. When you are younger, you have little children and life is exhausting. It just gets better as the kids get older! lol
Anon - I get what your saying the up tight and religion aspect of it. I think it gets confused with being "sacred" and dirty so we don't talk about it. kwim? And the fear of if we say how good it is our kids will want to do it, so we say nothing at all or we say "DON"T you dare do it till you are married" and put the fear of God in them. Which isn't right either.
Because we have always been open to our kids, I do know they probably have had sex (they are mid 20's) And sorry but I really won't expect them to not be, sorry but I think it is just wierd stiffling all those feelings. Along with talking about sex, is also protection, birth control, etc.
Well now! We get to something I think I know something about. Since I was a virgin on my wedding night, well my wedding night minus 2 years, 10 years hell 12 years I will opine.
I always tell her what her what I want, exactly. Sometimes she asks will that work? And I say I dunno lets try it and she says no but hey you gotta try right?
I don't think she tells me what she likes, which sucks. When I ask she says just do what you do etc etc.
I think everyone has something they want to do/try.
Until I started reading blogs I had a skewed idea of what went on in most peoples bedrooms, well a skewed idea of how most men acted. I will do, have done and want to do/try anything she thinks might please her more/better or whatever. I am absolutely game. It seems there are actually men out there that turn down sex, that say no to new ideas. That is utter insanity.
I can think of nothing short of blood letting and a couple other things I wouldn't do with a single partner. But the hang up comes when desire is not communicated. I mean if I come through the window with a lone ranger mask and cape on and she isn't for role play then that isn't a good thing. But if she says hey I always had this fantasy about the Lone ranger then its game on. If you think I wouldn't take my fat azz right on down to costumes r us and leave there with fake 6 guns by my side you are saddddddddddly mistaken.
It seems idiotic to sit around there wanting to do/try something, some new position, orifice, location or otherwise and not say it!
That is crazzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyy
So SAYYYY ITTTTTT.
Now I have requested 3 strippers, a #3 washtub filled with lime jello, a case of beer, 2 quarts of 40 weight oil and a 24 pack of that spray redi-whoop and she turned that down.
Can you imagine her turning that down?!
Sage, oh Sage- thanks for stopping by. I think you are right. At least talk about it. If the other isn't up for it then ask what he/she IS up for. Maybe even talk it through and find out what part is not to his/her liking.
Also- I was a little defensive earlier- sorry. I just have had a number of people blame my craziness on my religion. Ya, that might have somewhat to do with it since I do live my religion. However- I am ME. I don't think my religion had as much to do with my naivete (is that how you spell it?) as much as it had to do with my parents. My dad was not raise religiously. He was, however, raised in a strict English house where everything said and done was said and done PROPERLY.
I don't think it's all about religion. I know a lot of couples who don't communicate well day to day. I'm not saying that if you don't talk about sex, you don't talk to each other...but so many people think that sex isn't something that needs to be discussed. That's just not true.
Mr. Anon, you're right, SEX is all Julie thinks about..lol.
Julie...this is a very interesting topic and the comments have doubly interesting. Like Shelle, I would love to hear/read a post that covers Anon's comment {MAYBE A POST ON HOW BAD WAITING CAN MESS UP YOUR HEAD FOR YEARS?}
And Julie, I don't think you were defensive at all in your response to Anon's comment. I don't know why others like to take what a person said/wrote and twist it around to make it comes out all wrong.
So onto your topic...from day one, my hubby and I always about sex, what works, what each of like, and different position. But that didn't mean that sex for me was super duper awesome..I mean it was good but taking care of babies all day does wear a person out and most of the time I just prefer we prefer we get it over with so I can catch a few minutes of sleep before the baby wakes up or so, know what I mean?
But now that the kids are older, I find I am constantly thinking about sex and can't wait for hubby to come home from work so we can try something new or get some fun action in bed. I think talking about sex with one's partner is one of the best tools a couple can use to help strengthen their relationship.
Anjeny- thanks for stopping by. Loved your thoughts. You totally rock. Sex does get better as you get older and the kids don't bug you as much. I am sure the fear of the chillins walking in on us lessens too. I guess some people think that is exciting, but not for me- since I have had said chillin walk in on us a few times.
Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Way interesting!
I'm covering my eyes and ears right now at some of your TMI. And I'm laughing myself silly too.
Love reading all the comments.
I kinda agree with ANON about waiting messing you up. But I think NOT waiting can totally mess you up too. Where's the balance?
I am a little shy to discuss what I like/want with my hub. I used to be NOT shy, but he was shy. So I got shy and not he want NOT to be shy. It's such a process and cycle and evolution. I'm with Denise. A little less conversation, a little more action. hee hee
I had a few traumatic experiences before I got married where I overheard my hub's parents. That kinda messed me up. I promised myself I would never let anyone hear me, if you know what I mean.
Kinda embarrassing to tell you guys this. But Julie, you're probably right. Opening the lines and maybe talkin' dirty a bit probably would spice things up.
Crash- are we soul mates? Thanks for getting in on the action.
ok, i am really late on this but I had clicked on all the posts by youngblood and read them. so here is my comment.
I was raised to believe that sex was always a beautiful thing but only when married.
MR. I and I tinkered around the plumbing prior. WE had some petting issues to resolve prior to temple.
Sex has always been wonderful but what did I know. I was 19! I was ready at the mere thought of dropping drawers. WE didnt have to talk about anything, we were just two horn dogs.
I swear we tried every position and furniture and place possible. I thought we invented positions and acts. Years, later I found I was sadly mistaken.
WE have always been open to any type of intimacy. Our bishop said as long as it was ok between the two of us it was a go. OBVIOUSLY bringing in a third party would never be ok.
I have always been a giver and a pleaser. I didn't completely express what I wanted or how I wanted to be touched. But, it wouldn't be hard to figure out by my reaction if he was there.
DENISE!!! I had a hard belly laugh!!
My friends and I were talking about different ways to change up oral sex.
I'm not a fan of it, I don't mind giving but receiving wasn't all that great.
She gave me this very clean website, it is utah based on many different ways to perform oral on him but also ways to perform oral on her and guess what??? I absolutely like to recieve now.
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