Why in the HELK can't guys assess their feelings?
I know they have them. I KNOW they do.
They have feelings for sports, drink, sex, hobbies. Sometimes you can't shut them up with their enthusiasm on how much they LOVE that one particular thing or another.
But when it comes down to discussing something like let's say whom they are IN LOVE with, why they are in love with them, you know, where they need to be compassionate and sensitive… they tend to shut down to empty shell mode.
For example: (you knew that was coming huh?)
One of our first REALLY big up-all-night fights started with one question.
Sexy wife and mother of his children (me in case you were confused) said as we were after-the-act cuddling (I figured out fast that that is one of the best times to approach things…): "Hey Baby, why me? Why did you choose me out of all the fish in the sea? Why me?"
My Mr. Insensitive: ……… (silent deep breath which usually means he's falling asleep or faking it!!!)
Sexy wife and mother of his children : "STOP that! You are not asleep!"
My Mr. Insensitive: "I AM really tired though."
Sexy wife and mother of his children: "Answer my question. Seriously. Why me?" (I'll admit… I wanted, at that time, for him to spill out how much he loved me and couldn't live without me, and he smiles 20 random times during the day because he can't help think about something witty I said… but still)
My Mr. Insensitive: "ummm… I don't know? I just DID pick you…" and with a quirky smile he dives in for a kiss then pulls back and says, "Lucky you huh!"
Sexy wife and mother of his children: "YOU DON'T KNOW? How do you NOT know? What… what? I was convenient?"
My Mr. Insensitive: "I was ready to settle down…"
Sexy wife and mother of his children: "Are you SERIOUS right now? Completely serious? It's a simple question. I could probably write a novel of why I picked you! And you can't come up with ONE thing to tell me… ONE that's all you needed!"
It gets fuzzy after that… my allergies (that I don't have) began to kick in and my brain functions NOT-at-ALL when my eyes are leaking… it turns to mush and everything gets all tangled up!
I just don't get it though. Why is it SO hard to talk about how you feel when it is dealing with someone you are in a relationship with? It should be easy… and it's a lot easier on the relationship as a WHOLE… believe me! No guessing, no confusion, no miscommunication!
I know it's not ALL men… I know also that it is hard for some WOMEN. (so don't harp on me about exceptions to the rule)
But on average… with the typical male… this is the case. I'm just wondering why?
Why is it easy to talk about your favorite sports team (or enter whatever passion they have) and your love for them or why you CHOSE them?
Huh? Huh? Tell me… why?
My conclusion… he's was a scaredy cat!!! It's was hard for him to admit at the time that without me in his life it would be utterly and completely meaningless…
Nine years later… and upteen simple questions just like that… and let's just say-- I still love him regardless! Hehe! That's not to say sometimes he DOES surprise me though…
Love,
32 comments:
Really nice one...I really liked this point of view u shared...
Adding u in my blog list to read more from you!!!
My blog is http://rahul-bhattacharya.blogspot.com/ :)
Shelle, Shelle, Shelle... where do I begin with this one. Generally speaking, most men do not trust women with their feelings. What I mean is when a man opens up and shares his feelings with a woman, he is afraid it will be broadcasted on the 6 oclock news. Woman have a credibility issue with us men. We don't want you sharing with anyone else what we say or feel. Unless we say it is okay to do so. But, women like to share with others, cause that is how woman bonds, by sharing. Do you see the conflict there?
Plus it seems that it doesn't matter what we say, we are still in trouble, so it is better to be silent, then to say something that could be used against us. Look at your example on how your "fight" started all because you had an expectation of a specific answer from your husband and he didn't give it in a way you wanted. You had wanted a serious conversation and he didn't. So you interpreted his flippant answer as he doesn't love me, or he settled for me, or why can't he dictate off a War and Peace size novel on why he couldn't exist with out me, etc. But this all boils down to YOUR expectation... and he didn't meet it and therefore your were hurt by that.
We all have expectations of our spouses, but they are OUR expectation. Our spouses can either meet the expectation or not, we still need to own that the expectation was our own and not theres. Here is an example, I want dinner ready when I get home from work. That may not be what Mrs. Anonymous wanted. She can choose to meet MY expectation or not and whether she does or doesn't I still have to deal with it, because it is MY expectation. It is our spouses choice whether they want to do what we want them to do. We have to learn not to get upset, mad, frustrated, angery, bitter or hurt, if for whatever reason they wont or couldn't fulfill our expectation. After all it is what we wanted them to do, and not neccesarily what they wanted to do. We need to own that as individuals.
In case you enjoy having those all night acute allergic attacks of watery eyes, I would like to make a suggestion. The next time you need to feel validation or need a verbal confirmation from your husband on how much he loves you, try this. Go up to him and say you would like to have a SERIOUS conversation with him about why he loves you, or why he chose you. I would stress that you would appreciate it if he would not joke or make light of this conversation. I would even go so far as to say that it will only take 30 minutes or perhaps 60 minutes. (And you need to keep to the minutes you picked and DO NOT go over them.) Then you need to ask him if he is willing to have that conversation with you. And then you wait for his permission. If he gives it great, if he doesn't then perhaps it is not a good time for him and suggest that you can talk tomorrow night after the kids are to bed. Either way, out of repect for our spouses we need to wait for their permission before we can proceed. This is especially true if we have something that is bothering us that our spouses did or did not do, that we want to vent to them about.
I am just saying,
Mr. Anonymous
Rahul--are you a real person??? lol.
okay, Mr. Anonymous... it looks like it is just going to be you and I today. It seems as though all of our people who follow this blog are off on vacation!!!
I get what you're saying. But you see, it's too logical! :) If I could understand logic and reason, my husband and I would NEVER argue! hehe.
Even though I admitted to expecting an answer... ANY answer would have been better than "I don't KNOW". Because he DOES know.
And he wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt while we were dating... it just seems like after we got married he thinks it's not needed.
But I think I speak for most women when I say, because we are more in tune with our feelings and emotions, we like to be validated more than NOT being validated. Plus it's just always nice to hear it!
Seriously, I'll give your suggestion a try... but I think the problem with that whole scenario... is I'm completely IMPATIENT... but I'm not going to doom it to failure yet! ;)
Come on ladies... anyone out there like me??? (I need some validation! :) )
I get where you are coming from, shelle. We men do need to be more verbal with our spouses. Men need to understand that we need to share more or talk more with our wives because that is how they bond. But realize we are not going to be like your girlfriends and become chatty Kathy's.
Now men on the other hand bond by SEX!
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
See that's the problem!!! HE always gets to bond HIS way! lol! :)
and thanks for validating what I said! ;)
I actually took away sex from him one year until he would write me a LOVE letter because I had just seen Notebook! hehehe!
It was totally logical though... because then we bonded his way AND my way... two birds with one stone is the best tactic I say!
Well maybe you two can sit down and come to an agreement where X amount of times per week you two sit down and talk and share for X amount of minutes. The X part is negotiable of course. An example could be, I get you one hour per kid we have, per week to do with you as I please. This is a great strategy for helping with chores and housework as well. It's a use them or lose them hours, you cant save them up. The hours are negotiable, but shouldn't be less than one hour though.
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
To clarify my last sentence, I meant it shouldn't be less than one hour per kid per week of servitude. :) Whether you use it as time for talking and sharing or slave labor.
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
I have totally missed out on this brilliant conversation. It took me a while to get online today.
Shelle- love what you said.
Anon- Thanks for the insight.
I think sometimes I have a harder time talking about it, but when we do, I am the one that wants the time limit. On this one point I think Hubby and I are backwards. At least some of the time.
And that is perfectly ok youngblood, you can be backwards. :)
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
Mr. Anonymous- as long as he would get an hour at least of uninterrupted no holds bar "bonding" time his way... I think that migh work! Lol!
But then... I go back to... Just tell me ONE thing and I'm off ur back... Ya know?
Youngblood... If u r not going to back a girl up ur uninvited to this convo! I kid..hehe... So tell us how u feel ;)
See Shelle now you are speaking a mans langauge.
Seriously, though how often does he get verbal with you and tell you the mushy stuff vs. how often you would like to hear it?
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
On average its about 5percent mushy stuff... The guy just doesn't like to talk about mushy stuff period!
And it not hard to speak a guys language it him speaking mine that we r discussing! :)
Yes, I do realize that, I was complementing you on a job well done for your efforts:)
I would recommend trying what I had suggested, ask for a specific time to talk and tell him what you would like to talk about.
One way that I was able to relate to it with Mrs. Anonymous was, SEX. When most men go with out sex even for a short time, we get all twisted up inside, anxious, and jittery, there is a physical need for a "release". Kinda like going through withdrawls. This I have learned is how women feel if we go for short periods of time of not being verbal with them. It was an Ah-ha moment for me, in my relationship. Perhaps you can explain it to him in that example to help him understand your need to talk is like his need to want to make love to you. Tell him you want verbal sex (and NO Im not talking about dirty talk, in this instance).
The more verbal I got with Mrs Anonymous, the more sex I got, it was a win-win.
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
Whoa!! I totally miss out on this great conversation, Shelle and Mr. Anon. I saw this post earlier but had to run off and support my son graduation so when I got back, your session is all over..lol. You two had a very interesting/intense ping bong convo..I feel like I was sitting between you two and had to turn back and forth between you two when you're putting in your views..lol.
So Shelle, I totally understand where you're coming from and I will completely validate all that you're saying. I've been told numerous times that men have a lot limited words that they use a day than women. Once they use up a certain amount that they have for the day, you couldn't get them to spill their guts even if their very lives depend on it. See, I'm the kind of gal when I heard someone present theory esp. about relationship, I immediately would rush home and experiment it on both myself and my hubby depending on the view. So, I've actually tried out that theory about man's word limit for the day and I find that to be very true.
My hubby when he gets excited about a topic, I couldn't get him to shut the heck up and once he's done, no amount of begging, bribing, even blackmailing will get him to open his mouth again..lol.
So my thing about what you're saying is...the guy when trying to get the girl would spew a whole bunch of mushy crap..even quote Shakespeare if that would get him to get the girl...I used to get all kinds of love notes when we were dating...then when the guy gets the girl or marries the girl, it's as though his mouth has been taped shut with super glue.
Mr. Anon, you said something about men don't like their feelings or what they said about their feelings been broadcast or shared with the spouse's friends or whoever...well, why the heck not? Let me use me as an example real quick. When I was dating my husband, I share information about him with my friends, (it's how we're genetically made) so when we get married, sharing information with my friends is not going to vanish..he knows that when we were dating so he should know that when we get married that that's how it's going to be, so why hold back now? I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
I'm sure Shelle would like to hear those words that her hubby used when they're dating to capture her heart or what have you, so why wouldn't he just tell her that? Esp. if it's right after some great cuddling? Women needs words of assurance that we are the most important thing in a man's life to feel the love while men, as Mr. Anon said, need sex to feel that..so it shouldn't be a hard thing to just give the woman what she wants, right?
Ok ok, I need to get off my soap box and go feed my kids...lol.
Anjenny, I totally get where you all are coming from. Just because you shared everything with your girlfriends before you were married, still does not mean he liked it. But, when couples date they are on their best or at least better behaviors. As time goes on and couples marry, the real world settles in. I am not saying that it is right, just that is how it seems to be. I've also said men need to step up and do more in the verbal department as well (that also includes the continued courting and romancing of the wives). And as you know a man can only handle 1/3 of the communications styles that a woman can do.
I would suggest that you try the advice I gave Shelle...
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
Ummm, Shelle I think you are like three comments behind.
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
YEA ANJENY!!! ALOHA girl!
Take that Mr. Anon... hehehe just kidding!
Anjeny you are right! They must only have a capacity of so many words... and my Man is a man of not many words... he must have a small capacity!
And it's so true about dating and then getting married... my arms are raised and I give you an AMEN!
We are STILL in this conversation so come back!
HAHA I just saw in my email that Mr. anon as posted like a couple of more times!
Anjeny... don't listen to him... you and me are on the right track!
lol just kidding!
And you are right Mr. Anonymous I am behind two but this counts as like 3!!!
Mr. Anon... you must be like a 1000 year old soul to be SOOOOO wise! Seriously... the comment about girls need VERBAL sex and your A HA moment!
Can we patent that???
If this is going to turn into a gang up on poor defensless Mr Anonymous, I may have to call in some reinforcements.....j/k.
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
P.S. Shelle Mrs. Anonymous would say something like "Do you know how many beatings it took me to get him this wise!!"
Does your wife give classes on these special beatings? And if she does... does she charge? And if she does... how much?
And YES... it's GANG up on Mr. Anonymous cause you left us HIGH and DRY for a few weeks...
Just saying
Shelle! :)
Well if you knew who she was, I suppose you could ask her, and probably due to some sister code or for the sake of humanity, I am sure she would do the classes for free. She would see it as her duty to help a fellow sister out.
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
LOL...
Ahem...does a man really pay attention to anything at all to begin with? I read your suggestion again Mr. Anon and I would say that that is a very good suggestion only there might be a little bit of a flaw in that. Aside from you I'm thinking, men tend to have such a short attention span and along with selective hearing, we can discuss this and that and in a couple day's time, when the same scenario present itself, the same frustration Shelle wrote about will come up again. I know, I've tried that already...not that I'm going to stop trying altogether, just thought I'd point that out.
You, Mr. Anon, must be a marriage counselor or therapist because you seem to know relationship really well either that or you're already way matured in your relationship and I have to tell you, it's really wonderful to hear a man's view on relationship topic who knows that he's talking about.
{P.S. Shelle Mrs. Anonymous would say something like "Do you know how many beatings it took me to get him this wise!!"....Your wife sounds like a very very wise woman indeed...I would totally join Shelle in getting some great tips and advice from Mrs. Anon.
Great topic Shelle..thank you and Mr. Anon for keeping it interesting and lively.
Anjeny!!! You are so right, I didn't even THINK of that. The Attention span. Dang it..
Mr. Anon, it's true... I don't know if I can keep his attention span for that long... even after we have just "bonded"!!!
CRAP!
Okay OKay... deep breaths, I thought we had a solution.
Ok, wow....
You've JUST enjoyed a toss in the sack, and you ask your man about feelings? You're setting yourself up for disaster.
I'll bet he feels...satisfied and pretty much nothing more at that particular moment in time. :)
K Cameron... I just emailed this to you... but everyone should know what I wrote.
"LOL... true, very very true... but he actually gives in to anything I want when we have just "enjoyed a toss in the sack"... so see, I THINK that is very logical when it comes to someone who bases everything off EMOTION!"
WoW!! I read the post then read all the comments. I'm still trying to process it all. The one thing that stuck with me though...Mr Anon said about men still courting their wives even after they're married. This is something that my hubby and I deal with on occasion. I kid him that now that he has me and gets all the sex he wants....he doesn't have to "be sweet and charming" like he was while we were dating. THen I admit I'm not totally like I was then either. so that's something we work on on a regular basis. I normally takes me to "breakdown" and then my husband will talk emotions. It's almost like I have to "bribe" him into it. I think sometimes men just dont' get it; the same with women though.....I dont' always get him. It's a never ending journey!! Some days it's fabulous...some days not so much.
That was an easy one!
I would have said (and this is true) because she had the best azz in the skool!
This is where that great attribute of Christ comes in......Long Suffering....ie. patience. Unfortunately, Anjeny you're right, this will be a topic that will be discussed many times over with your spouse. Be patient and loving with him. I love what Dr Lund says, "You either married your greatest challenge or you gave birth to it. And some of you are lucky and got both." Mrs Anonymous would say she got both.
I remember when Mrs A and myself had to do this project where we would write down behaviors we wish the other would change. I came up with literally half-a-page and was able to stretch it out to three-quaters of a page by writing bigger. She handed me TEN pages, yes thats right TEN pages...I commented to her, really TEN pages?? And she said "Thats just the table of contents!"
I think if Mrs Anonymous were to tell you anything it would probably be "Do you think he came this way??" and then laugh hysterically.
I am just saying,
Mr Anonymous
In defense of men the world over: I would like to say that I can appreciate your husband's less than adequte response to your question. We have always placed the value of deeds higher than that of words. OK, I will try to put myself in his place, and express what he may well have been saying to you at that moment:
Look, I have just exhausted myself totally, and in my estimation provided quite a good justification for hooking up with you: my having sex with you (as opposed to someone else) means you continually excite and arouse me. I chose you back then because I could already sense that life with you would be an adventure with many happy moments, and for these I was ready and willing to accept those moments that were less stellar (like the time you refused sex because I wouldn't write you a love letter, for Chrissake).
You were, are, and forever will be sexy and --as an added bonus-- you have given me lovely children to carry on the family dynasty and push our wheelchairs around when the time comes.
You know all this and I know all this, so let me rest now for a little while so I can enjoy the pleasant afterglow and I will promise that I dream of you even now, when you are beside me and everything is still warm.
Cookie Crums... it's SOOOOO true! I don't get my man all.the.time... which is why I needed to write this post. Maybe get a different look on it from others point of view!
That's like me... I nearly have to break down to get what I want. But I also am not perfect.
Southern Sage--See... a GREAT answer... I would have taken that! :)
Mr. Anonymous--LOVE that quote... I got BOTH also! It sounds like me and Mrs. Anonymous would get along famously! LOL@ 10 pages... my husband refuses to do that exercise... I told him that I watched a video in one of my Marriage Therapy classes that it helped a couple open more to communication... but he REFUSES! lol
You're right... it will take a while... luckily I have FOREVER... so no pressure here!
Vailian--To many words for my husband! lol! No really... GREAT answer! i loved that-- totally made me smile!
Seriously very good answer--I'm sure he was thinking EXACTLY that! :)
I'm late to the party but I'd say it was probably the timing of the question. I'll say that any conversations like that have to come before the lovey dovey around here. About 4.2 minutes afterwards, my hubs is snoring.
I don't know that I have actually ever asked that question of my guy though. It's funny, I'm the one who hates talking mushy lovey stuff, he has no problem with it.
Andrea--LOL@the 4.2 minutes afterward he is snoring! hehe
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