Thursday, June 18, 2009

Practice makes Perfect...

as a teenager I listened to a speaker talk about dating (note, he was NOT talking about sex... just dating) and he advocated the "vanilla theory"...  saying that if we walked in Baskin Robbins and ordered Vanilla every time we'd never really learn what our favorite flavor is...  maybe we won't like butter brickle, chocolate fudge, or peppermint - but if we don't try... will we just survive the rest of our lives being just "okay" with vanilla when  we could have had an incredible undiscovered love for bubble gum ice cream lurking beneath the surface...  there are 31 flavors after all right?

I took this to heart - and I dated... a lot...  No, I wasn't slutty - I just liked to go out with different guys...  and sometimes I got a little hooked on the flavor of the month - and then realized that it left a bad aftertaste in my mouth.  

(okay - I'm going to beat this analogy to death eventually... be prepared!)

based on a recent comment (that was pointed out even MORE recently) I have to wonder...

Sexual Compatibility - is it automatic?  Does it take work?  I've been asked by friends how on earth I knew that Hub and I would "click" in that area before we got married... and I guess the answer is that we didn't know... but we did click - and the clicking just gets better over time.  

I have to say that as far as sex goes I've just had the one flavor and never even had sampler spoons of others (unless by sampler spoons you mean a good make-out session... in which case it's a different story).  I've got no major bedroom issues with my hub - it's all good there...  but it's certainly gotten better over the years.  There are some times that are better than others... based usually on my own health issues - but I don't read much into that.  One bad day (night... afternoon... whenever...) does not mean that we're incompatible...  anymore than one incredible night with a random hottie would mean that you're meant to be together forever.  So for the two of us - practice has made perfect... most of the time...
Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake
I mean really - you're a musician and you practice every day you're going to get GOOD...  it works for this too :)

I like my chosen flavor - (here's where we could but won't get into adding sprinkles and caramel sauce... I'm at the official edge of my "sexual discussion comfort zone" as it is) and I'll just have to be content with that because I'm not willing to go out sampling.
Ice-Cream Sundae
I had a friend (hey S!  I know she's watching for this...) give me a NEW analogy this morning - because I know we've all had enough ice cream for the week...  She was a delayed gratification girl also (and no, not lying about it...) and always was told "you wouldn't want a used pair of shoes would you?"...  now we DO test drive our cars, and we DO try on our shoes... but when I try on my shoes I check for fit (attraction), I give them a little round the aisles (kissing), and I might even jog a little to see if they have good support (making out)... but I don't need to run a marathon in them to know if they're okay.  I can choose to buy or not buy based on the try on... but after running the marathon - they won't take them back at the store... 

I'm not living under a rock - I do know that the prevailing "wisdom" of society is that sex is no big deal... I just don't happen to agree.  HOWEVER - I'm not here to judge anyone's Moral Standing - seriously.  I'm (obviously) not the expert here...  what's your take on it?  Is Sexual Attraction Automatic?  Worth the Work? Over-rated?  

Post by T - but today T is for Trying


Homer and Queen said...

I agree with you...that was well put! I do not have a problem talking about sex, I grew up with a mom who couldn't even say the word out loud, not to mention discuss it! Everyone has an opinion and I love hearing them, even when I don't agree.

Rachel Sue said...

I loved the way you wrote this. And I totally agree with you. I think sex, just like any other facet of a worthwhile relationship, takes work. And who doesn't want to practice when the practcing is just so much fun?

H.K. said...

What a great topic! I also dated a lot be fore I met my husband and I agree you don't have to have sex with someone to find out if your sexually compatible. If you're attracted to each other, you LOVE making out with them, and you're head over heels in love wih them, then everything else falls into least it was for me.

Cameron said...

I understand your practice idea, and applaud your ability to wait.....

however :)

I had sex with several girlfriends prior to getting married. I wouldn't necessarily describe it as 'used shoes' although that's kinda funny. ;)

In my experience, there is a fit. Certainly you can practice and get good, but there is also a fit. And by fit, I mean this -

Bodies are all physically built different. Pelvis and bone structures are different for everybody, as well as the more obvious difference in sex organs. And based on that I can tell you that sometimes there is a perfect fit between a man and a woman, physically, and sometimes not so much. Even in the not so much scenario, the sex can be great, but you might have to work at it a little more than if everything lined up and fit. Does that make sense?

val of the south said...

I heard that same talk! I remember thinking - "why would anyone want vanilla when there are so many other yummy flavors?"!!

I agree about the compatibility/practice thing. Isn't most of sex learned behavior? Perfecting the skills is the fun part!

T said...

Val - do you remember who GAVE that talk? I can only remember sitting at Youth Conference in Colorado trying to look cool because the room was full of hot guys.

Cam - I'll take your word for it... :)

S said...

VERY well said! It is nice to know that “society” is not everyone out there. Your analogies are fantastic!

Youngblood4ever said...

T- I grew up in SoCal and remember that talk, too. OMHeck. I think you did a great job about it. I think Cameron gives an interesting perspective, but I have to say I am grateful that Hubby doesn't have anyone else to compare me to, and me to him. Really, it has made us work at the "fit" harder. 10 years and I think we are only getting better.

Love the shoe analogy too. Gonna have to remember that one.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Well, I am also the same as Cameron in that my spouse is not the only person I've been with sexually. I do think there is a definite good fit and bad fit in that department. It does not mean you have to try on every 'shoe' or try out every flavor, it's whatever you're comfortable with. Nothing is right for every person, waiting for marriage or not waiting.

I do not regret not waiting. It was my choice. My husband did not wait either and I think as a couple our sex life is better for it because we both brought more experience into the marriage. (And that's about as comfortable as I'm going to be talking about this ;)

T said...

...I'm still waiting for Shelle to put in her two cents... because something tells me she'll think me a wimp for not dragging the analogy out to sprinkles and whipped topping :)

T said...

and F.Y.I. - I think it will be awhile before I hear "hey, you wanna go out for ice cream" without blushing a little!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OKAY... sorry it's been a long day!

I am in the same boat as T. As I only have had ONE sexual partner. But to be honest, with how I was raised, it was hard for me to go from thinking sex was gross and dirty and bad to talk about to "HEY YOUR MARRIED" "SEX IS A BEAUTIFUL THING WITH THE RIGHT PERSON".

I had issues to get over.

But it was SUCH a great feeling to know that my husband was in the same boat.

That he wasn't comparing me to any other sexual experiences he had... I can't IMAGINE having to get over THAT and deal with the first problem I mentioned.

As T said... and to go along with the analogy I love that I get the same flavor everytime with my ice cream now... but there is NOTHING wrong with adding to that flavor!

It's like since I turned 30 the sexual drive and curiousity has been turned on... and it has been SO MUCH FUN discovering that with my husband as my partner.

There are many times we have laughed, especially in the first part of our marriage when we were figuring out things. Like I had NO IDEA girls had a G SPOT and I'm ashamed to stay a C.L.I.T. luckily my husband did...but that just tells you how COMPLETELY niave I was.

Did I date a lot before I decided to marry my husband?

you better believe it! I dated TONS... I kissed/made out probably more! So when I met my husband and those basic physical needs were met-- and on top of that he met my other qualifications in personality it was a NO BRAINER when he asked me to marry him!

So from my point of view... I didn't need to have a TEST DRIVE, by having sex before marriage.

But I also have seen the flip side. I've had friends that were NOT compatabile with their spouses when it came to sex, and it was a deal breaker... they lamented how they wish they would have been able to know that BEFORE they were married.

I guess I'm lucky.

My sex life rocks. It's been tough at different points of our marriage. I even read a book about why men NEED sex which totally helped in our marriage because at one point in my marriage I was OKAY with never having sex again, there was no drive, and it was just sad.

Because, with my guy and me, connecting itimately is EXTREMELY important for BOTH of our well beings.

I guess to everyone their own.

That's what I think and feel and I'm stickin' to it! ;)

Anjeny said...

T...another beautifully written post. I love the analogies you have on here.

Where I grow up, things are soo backwards there that SEX is kind of a taboo topic for parents to talk about with their kids. Which was kind of twisted because teens were doing it but yet nobody was talking about it.

Like you, I did believe in not having sex before marriage because I kind of like issues like Shelle...I didn't want my hubby to have to wonder everything we're having sex if I'm comparing him to a previous lover or what have ya...and I want my hubby to be the only one who knows me completely, intimately. The same goes for him.

And I also love the fact that since we both waited, we are both learning together in that department and have fun discovering ways of giving each other pleasure. And we feel perfectly comfortable talking about what works and what doesn't as far as our sexual relationship goes.

I understand where you're coming from Cameron and Blogging Mama...everyone has their own way of doing things and whatever is comfortable for the individual totally up to them.

All the comments are well thought out and very insightful.

Missty said...

Shelle - thats the bad part - so many people especially women think growing up, sex is bad, dirty or whatever, till the minute the ring is on thier finger.
Its not bad or gross. And many people have hang ups over such stuff. And can't get past it, and the marriage suffers.

I am with exactly right on with Andrea's statement. But anyone who has read this blog already knows that about me. ;o)

Cookie Crums said...

I've only "wore" one shoe..... my husband is the only person I've had sex with..... I think you have a spark with someone and know it prior to having sex. I enjoyed dating different guys but honestly he's the only one that I just wanted, and still do, to jump him! :) I never had this feeling with anyone else. We had sex before we were married.... so I guess you can say I tried him on for size. He he.

To answer another question... I do think though you have to work at it at times. Keep things interesting and add some spice. We're both open for new things. And have no problem asking each other for what we want.

I have a question though.... is the 7 year itch a real thing??? I'm just wondering.

Youngblood4ever said...

I'm wondering where Sage is in all this. I am sure he would have some interesting things to add to this discussion!

Anonymous said...

you called?

Well I would think that provided neither party was frigid then the sex would be good. I mean how can sex be bad? Provided a partner was willing and enthusiastic I always found it delightful be it a one shot deal or a long term deal. I like the analogy about the ice cream and have used it as well as others many times. It would make sense to think one would be a better ice cream eater and could better discern between good and bad ice cream as well as know how to serve it so the experience was as good as possible if they sampled many other kinds.

All that being said the bride has only ever participated in one flavor, or so she claims! I have no problems at all with indulging in the ice cream, and enjoying every mouthful there of.

I also think this, and I know I know this is crazy but I think that if you only ever had vanilla then you wouldn't know if the other flavors were better, so it wouldn't matter one lick to you, or the ice cream!

The additin of sprinkles and sauces definately helps as well.

My biggest belief is that one thing that happens to relationships is that after extended periods of same flavor tasting, even with nuts, sprinkles, etc etc etc eventually the ONLY thing that can be done to improve the flavor is either adding a different flavor to the mix (swirl) or changing flavors all together. I also think that sampling a different flavor every now and then, probably makes the chosen flavor a little sweeter, or at least appreciated for its reliability. Also the chosen flavor will probably appreciate the subtle changes in how it is eaten should you eat another flavor every now and then, without the chosen flavors knowledge of course.

Of course for fat people who enjoy over indulging an orgy of ice cream flavors would be divine!

Anonymoose said...

I'm afraid I need a little clarification on Sage's last paragraph.

Are you saying that after awhile one person gets boring and the only help for it is to look around for someone else?

If so, I vigorously disagree.

Anonymous said...

No ma'am. I don't think thats what I'm saying anyway.

What I am saying is that when IT gets boring and same ole same, and everything that either partner will do has been done then either you settle for the same ole same or the bodies change. That could be a replacement body or and additional body. Either way.

Thats the only possible resolution. Love the vigor tho!

Anonymous said...

that should be an* additional body (or 2 or 7)

Or 7 and a #3 washtub of lime jello, 16 cans of redi whoop, 2 quarts of 40 weight oil and a crash helmet in case someone gets throwed off!!!

T said...

I had some thoughts last night - of course SS has just thrown me for a LOOP - but I'm not going THERE! Call me a prude, but I'm a single scoop girl, thanks.

Sometimes the term "sexuality compatibility" isn't about the physicality of the act - but the emotional compatibility of the participants... because a disagreement about frequency, force, toys, etc... can be solved... I'm sure that physical incompatibility does happen, (tiny Japanese girls marrying huge Tongan men?) but I'm doubtful that it's the only reason - if it was ALL about the physical... maybe... but Sex has an emotional aspect, no matter how much some might deny it.

Youngblood4ever said...

I'm slow at checking back in, but I knew Sage would have quite the interesting input. THANKS for stopping by.

IWA (e - va) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IWA (e - va) said...

BTW... T I thoroughly enjoyed this post!