Wednesday, June 3, 2009



My husband and I were having a conversation about a friend of ours. It was pretty much about how this friend really regrets a few past relationships. I was telling my husband, I don’t regret any relationships I have had. What ever kind of relationship it was, friends, sexual, or casual acquaintances. You can always learn and grow from a past experience. However good or bad it was.

But today - I am talking about the sexual ones. My husband wasn’t my first love, but he is my last love! ;o)

I know, I know, parents and religion say we are suppose to feel all repentant, and bad, and keep ourselves for that one special person. But I digress. I don’t think so. I really think this is an area; you need to be compatible in. And what a drag, if your not! I am not saying bed everyone you know, or have one night stands. But I am thinking of long serious relationships that might turn into marriage, it’s important to be on the same page, especially this page.

I am thinking specifically about a long term boyfriend I had. Many thought we would get married someday. He was smart and charming and had a TON of money. Every girls dream, right? Not mine. Seriously – he was bad in bed! I pretty much got nothing out of it. And what little experience I had then, I could tell, this is not what I wanted! I really think, it would have been a nightmare. Not that sex is the only thing to be compatible with. But regarding this post, it was one thing. And for me, an important thing.

I have heard many people say – “Oh if you have sex it changes the relationship, or that is why you broke up.” And they might be right. Maybe sex could be the reason the relationship changed, what’s wrong with that? It should change, you are moving it to a new level. And what if after you have sex you do break up? Well, then maybe that was one of the reasons... you realize your not compatible. Are we really wanting to really find out after a long dating time or marriage, that we just don’t work together under the sheets?

Not sure how I want the comments or discussion to go… But would love to hear some of your views.

Do you think you can be compatible with someone you have never slept with? Are you in a non-compatible relationship now as a married person because you waited?

Do you wish you had waited? Or do you wish you had a little more experience under your belt, before you made a commitment? Or wish your spouse had?

Missty over at Life is Good


CaJoh said...

I must admit that my wife is my only sexual partner. I do not know if I regret waiting or not. I tend to focus on so many things in a relationship and physicality is only one part of it. If I wasn't so shy, perhaps I could have had other partners— but that was the decision I made and I'm sticking to it.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I'm like CaJoh... my guy is my ONLY partner. More out of choice then shyness though.

I had that philosphy with kissing though... not the same thing I understand... but still, a philosophy.

It's been a nice discovery together my husband and I have had figuring out how to combine our emotional connection with our physical connection. Is there a better partner out there for me in bed? Sure there probably is... but I don't know anything else and I'm completely okay with that.

My husband connect in bed REALLY well... we are both open to try whatever... and for both being virgins when we got married... we seemed to figure out how to make it work in BED pretty quickly.

ummmm... that's all I got!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I meant to say my husband and I connect in bed REALLY well.

And the better partner in bed was just meaning that there was probably someone out there REALLY experienced that might show me a greater time in bed then I've experienced physically... but they couldn't hold up to the mental and emotional connection my guy and I have...

If that doesn't confuse you I don't know WHAT will... have a good day!

I'm out!

The Blonde Duck said...

I must admit, like the first two commenters, my husband was my first and only.

Tricia said...

great topic. I wish I had realized a long time ago that without an emotional connection, that the physical business won't get you very far. in my case, it got me ten years with my soon-to-be ex-husband. I wish I had been looking for someone to connect on that level with, instead of the "feel good for the moment" kind of sex. sooooo I guess you never know until you try, is what I'm saying. and that goes against everything I've been taught. interesting.

Missty said...

Thanks for the comments. I wondered if many would respond. As it is such a personal topic, but one that can affect a relationship. Pretty interesting.

Anonymous said...

A relationship is so much more than sex, although the physical part is a very important part, as well. I am glad that I waited until marriage to have sex. I believe that there is a reason that Christianity teaches us to wait and only have sex with our spouse. That is something so private that I wouldn't have wanted to have had sex with anyone that I wasn't married to and who was committed to me in that way. And there is something beautiful about sharing that with only one person.

Mr. Anonymous said...

This can be a rather complicated subject to discuss. Especially when it comes to our personnel views/beliefs on the matter. So, i wont delve into that areana, and I will simply answer the questions you asked.

"Do you think you can be compatible with someone you have never slept with?"

Absolutely, as with some of the others who have commented here, Mrs. Anonymous and myself waited until we were married, before we got physical.

"Are you in a non-compatible relationship now as a married person because you waited?"

Absolutely NOT. For us, that is what was great, (since neither of us knew what we were doing, other than this goes here,etc.) learning together and growing closer due to all the new experiences.

"Do you think you can be compatible with someone you have never slept with?"

Absolutely, I think any two heterosexual people can be sexually compatable. But, they have to communicate with each other. In our case, we simply taught the other what we liked and disliked in the sack. Believe me, there wasn't to much that wasn't liked.

"Are you in a non-compatible relationship now as a married person because you waited?"


"Do you wish you had waited?"

As briefed before we did wait, and there is no regrets.

"Or do you wish you had a little more experience under your belt, before you made a commitment? Or wish your spouse had?"

Nope and Nope.

As time has gone on in our marriage we have only gotten better at giving ourselves to each other. In fact just the other night we had to call the paramedics over to pull the sheets out of Mrs. Anonymous toes because the sex was sooooo good.

I am just saying,

Mr Anonymous

BeautifulWreck said...

Could not have married a bad lover. I know that is awful, goes against all my upbringing but sex just means too much to me.

Anonymous said...

You are right on girl! Being compatable sexually is a top priority for most marriages. And if your not, it can be a BIG problem in a marriage. Why do you think there are many couples in counseling, or divorices. Its not the only reason why they are, but there are a good many people who aren't sexually compatable, then the uncompatablility moves to other areas of the marriage.

you test drive cars, and other major purchases why not your partner for life.

I guess you can make your first ride in a car - special. Why try it out.

Those people who say they waited, half are probably lying. And those who didn't respond are afraid to put their real feelings out there. For fear of being judged, etc. Or maybe a partner might read this and realize they thought they were a virgin.

Yes most grow up with the "wait" morals. Of course. But reality isn't that way.

This could of been a great discussion for a blog like this. To bad it didn't. It does set the tone for how this blog could go - tip toe around issues. Not really the good the bad and the ugly. shame.


Anonymous said...

Hey SS--

Thank you SO much for writing.

This is the thing. We can't help what people comment. But I am like you... I would have LOVED to see more discussion on this!

I think you are right and that people feel like they have to tip toe around an issue like this. but that is completely untrue as far as WE as creators think.

i just ask that all comments are kept classy... I don't think we need to talk like a porn site to get acrossed what we want.

But I DO think that it is okay to openly discuss something like this.

I think I will write a post and put your comment in it. i think you have a valid point... and it's one that Andrea and I have been trying to figure out!

We DO want it to be the GOOD, BAD, and sometimes down right UGLY!

We want people to feel comfortable to talk about whatever!

I do know a few people personally that comment on this site and are HIGHLY religious... so they are going to be a little more tight lip when discussing... but then I'm sure there are those out there like me who are very religious but don't mind to say what they think on almost ANY subject... it's what we are comfortable with!

As far as waiting for marriage to have sex... I DID do that. I know most of my friends also were the same... so in my world and where I live it pretty much IS reality...

But I did however test drive the chemistry I had with men... made out a lot... a lot a lot... but never sex.

But I do know also friends that have that felt the same as you and Missty... and I get it... I was one of the lucky ones who waited and I have a FANTASTIC sex life...

But I do know friends that HATE sex and it is a big problem in their marriage... and the reason they hate sex is because them and their spouse are totally incompatible in bed.

Thank you for writing this comment.

I will have a post about this to discuss further and HOPEFULLY people will comment more. I don't know where everyone is???

Maybe it's because of vacations... maybe more people would have commented but they just weren't around their computers???

I don't know!

Hope you have a good weekend!


Missty said...

Thanks for all the comments. I so agree there are many different parts of a relationship. Many "besides" sex. Just thought I would put this topic out there.

After reading SS comments I started to think. When we talk about money, we don't say... well there are other parts of a relationship. When we talk about who fixes breakfast, we don't say. well there are other parts of a relationship. When we talk about nagging we don't say well, a relationship is more than nagging.

BUT when we mention sex... oh my, we now have to put the disclaimer out there, that there is more to a relationship than sex. Well of course there is. lol

Melinda said...

I think so few people commented because 1) there are so many different opinions, where a lot of people don't agree with eachother; and 2) its hard to write about something so loaded in a comment box. It would take me a long time to write out my whole answer and all my feelings on it. Besides the fact that its intimidating to put such a personal subject out in front of perfect strangers.

These are some of my thoughts: I was a virgin when I got married (no lie! haha And I think you're hearing a lot of that here because a lot of these commenters are Mormon, just what I'm thinking), so basically I could be compatible with anyone in that way since I don't know anything different. How would I know if it were bad or not? How would I know if that was as good as it got? I don't, so it doesn't really matter. And its not like the first time you do it, is the only way its going to go, you know you can both work on making it better.

Here's where I get touchy with people probably. I think we as people are selfish. If we can't learn how to work with our spouse just in the physical way, how are we going to have a good marriage at all? The sex part is easy, there's really not much to it if ya know what I mean, its one of the easy things to work on, if you're willing to actually work on it. The emotional things are a lot harder to work through (not that sex isn't emotional, just the physics of it all aren't that complicated on how to make it better). We want people to please us, do things for us, we only think about what we get and how we feel. It's natural, but your marriage and your life will be a lot better if you stop thinking about yourself and start giving. I know we want to think that then we lose ourself and we won't be happy, but it just isn't true. The happiest people are the unselfish people. Try it out, you'll also find out that the more you give, the more you get (and not in that selfish way! haha).

I could keep going, but there's so much in my head and I've probably irritated enough people already.

All in all, in a very classy way, I'm saying I disagree with having to sleep with someone to know if you'll be happy together. :)

Just Visiting said...

I like a lot of the comments on here. We shouldn't have to feel like this is such a touchy subject, our opinion is our opinion, and it's a part of life. I had this conversation with someone about 7 years ago. He didn't understand why I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. I think his exact words were, "How do you know you will be good together? What if it's terrible?"

First off, if you are a virgin, how will you know any different, and so what! The first time IS a little awkward and weird (does not mean unenjoyable)! Are you going to tell me that you don't love this person enough to work on it and make it better? That's what I think Melinda is also saying in her comment, is that when you LOVE someone you are going to work on things to make it better...including sex:) Hence the giving and unselfish part.

val of the south said...

I totally agree with Melinda. I think she's got something with the unselfish part and sexual techniques being something that can be learned.

I've only ever had sex with my husband. But he'd had a bunch of partners before me. It was really hard for me because I felt like I was being compared to previous partners (not that he ever even hinted at such a thing - my own hang up).

Sex is important, but it's only one part of a relationship - and I think if the love and spark are there - some communication, some sex books or a visit to could help in the compatibility department!

Just a note: If neither of you has ever test driven a car, you're probably going to be pretty happy that you even have a car to drive!!

Homer and Queen said...

OK now me!!! See Melinda...I AM selfish!!! I did wait until I was married to have sex, we both did and NO, I'm not lying. For H*ll sakes! We could still be doing it wrong and not even know it,(maybe that is why we spewed out rotten kids!), but we have fun, communicate well in bed, and we are both on the same page as far as where and how far we go with sex.

We have the same goals in life and what we want for ourselves. I strongly feel like sex is just sex, you can do that with anyone and it could probably be good, but I think the intimacy is what makes for a great partner.

We are old poops and we still enjoy a vigorous sex life (gee, you needed to know that huh!)I love that old car and will keep fixing it up...I didn't take it for a test drive, I didn't need to. It was brand new and unused and I just know I could break it in!

If that ol' boy kicks over before me, I'll find me used one and make it work for me!

Anonymous said...

My husband is not my first and I do actually regret that he wasn't my first. I do however think you can tell if someone is sexually combatible with you when you're making out or kissing them. If they don't light your fire when you kiss them, well then the sex won't be so great either. And I have kissed some handsome princes that kissed like frogs, yuck!